Jurassic Turd

The following is my review for “Jurassic World, ” which I will do in the voice of the film’s director, Colin Trevorrow. I like to think my impersonation is spot-on.

• Bryce, Chris, I saw you both acting like characters for a fleeting moment. Cut that shit out. Is this your movie or mine? I said be caricatures, one-dimensional caricatures, not characters. Learn the fucking difference, plebes.
• Dominus Rex, be an enormous asshole. I DON’T KNOW WHY–FOR SCIENCE REASONS!
• Vincent, act like you’re walking around with a sign above you head that says “I’m gonna die ugly.”
• B.D., no, no, not like that–pretend you’re stroking a white cat as you say all your lines.

So, yes, “Jurassic World” was pretty bad. It was comprised entirely of caricatures which is bad enough; but what what really stuck with me is how flat the film was. How flat and sad and cynical the whole exercise was.