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The Earl of Hotdog

[ 389 ] May 18, 2017 |
Pictured: A sandwich

Pictured: A sandwich

Sandwich Recognition Disorder or SRD is a serious personality disorder recognized by the American Medical Association. Its symptoms include:

  • Inability to decipher between sandwiches and other foodstuffs
  • The desire to describe all foodstuffs as sandwiches
  • A tendency to describe food items like Spaghetti and Marinara as “deconstructed sandwiches.”
  • A libertine, anything-goes attitude toward sandwiches and other foodstuffs

To be clear, a sandwich is is a flat or flat-ish conveyance for meats, veggies, fruits, condiments, and cheeses. These items must be…sandwiched between two bready substances.

Things that are not sandwiches:

  • Pizza
  • Hot dogs
  • Pho
  • Spaghetti
  • Erotic doodles of America’s sweetheart, Jennifer Anniston, lovingly caressing a carousel horse
  • Marble obelisks
  • The delicious skin-plumping tears of white people

If you recognize the symptoms of SRD in you or someone you love, please get professional help immediately.

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…Until the Next Thing Jonah Goldberg Writes

[ 95 ] May 10, 2017 |

“My Cheeto farts are this big.”

 

Via alicublog, here’s Jonah Goldberg claiming the real problem with our politics today is…Stephen Colbert’s potty-mouth.

Suffice it to say that if you want to condemn a president for his incivility, you squander some credibility when you describe the president of the United States in a lewd act with a foreign dictator.

As I said at alicublog, this argument is off-the-charts disingenuous because I don’t want to criticize Trump for his incivility. I want to criticize him for being a misogynist, racist, xenophobic, stupid, incurious, petty, egotistical toddler-monster who poses an existential threat to democracy.

Again and again I’m reminded that we are living in a post-parody age.

Comey Has Been Fired

[ 236 ] May 9, 2017 |

Read here.

Why Am I Obsessed with this Building for Billionaires?

[ 134 ] May 9, 2017 |

A link to a New York Magazine entered my twitter timeline today and articles about real estate for the 1 percent (especially in New York) are like catnip to me for reasons I’m not entirely clear on, so I read it. It’s an amusing enough article about the cloistered nature of luxury condo living but for some reason I can’t stop thinking about 56 Leonard.

I’m frankly not sure what to think about the exterior. I don’t love it but I don’t hate it either. But earlier I was dying to get a gander at the building’s interior so I did some googling. And I have questions:

  1. What am I looking at here? Is this a communal space or the largest apartment in existence?
  2. Are those sheep sculptures?
  3. Why are there sheep sculptures?
  4. Why so many goddamn sheep?
  5. Is there a monkey in the corner?
  6. Is that…Jack Skellington in the background? Slenderman? Do I need to alert the police? WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS ENORMOUS ROOM?
  7. Did everyone sign a pact promising upon pain of death to never use color in their decor?
  8. Did you know there is more than one magazine in existence called “Billionaire?”
  9. There are magazines for billionaires. This isn’t a question, I’m just still mulling it over.
  10. What is wrong with me? Why am I fixating on this?

Links: NRO Writers Won’t Let Empathy Cloud Their Judgement Edition

[ 121 ] May 8, 2017 |

Wherein the Word “Sexy” Does a Lot of Work: Music Thread

[ 214 ] May 5, 2017 |

 

Piggybacking off Christa’s earlier thread (Read it! And also…wow…memories, am I right?) I wanted to do a sexy music thread. Wherein “sexy” means sexy or lovey-dovey or romantic or anguished or, well…you know what I mean!

What are your favorite sexy songs?

Here are some of mine in no particular order:

  • Love Song for a Vampire–Annie Lennox
  • Slave to Love–Bryan Ferry
  • All Night--Beyonce
  • The Sensual World–Kate Bush
  • Woman in Chains–Tears for Fears
  • Don’t Stop the Dance–Bryan Ferry
  • You’re the One–Kate Bush
  • Feelin’ Love–Paula Cole
  • Work Song–Hozier

I know I’m forgetting a couple, so check back for updates. (I know you’ll be waiting breathlessly for them!)

A Hilarious River of Blood

[ 50 ] May 3, 2017 |

I know it’s been said many times before, but I’ll continue saying it so long as it’s relevant: If you wrote a story a about Trump’s campaign and presidency people would say it was too silly and over-the-top. Here’s Exhibit 50 billion proving this axiom.

Apparently there’s monument at one of Trump’s golf courses that memorializes a battle that never happened. You can’t make this stuff up. I mean, you can, but at this point why would you bother? We’re living in a world where parody can no longer exist.

The whole article is Trumpian in its unintentional hilarity but my favorite thing about it is the actual quote on the plaque, which reads:

 

“Many great American soldiers, both of the North and South, died at this spot. The casualties were so great that the water would turn red and thus became known as ‘The River of Blood.’ It is my great honor to have preserved this important section of the Potomac River!”

The Times checked with various historians in the area who had trouble tying the site of Trump’s course to any such event.

Oh dear.

Hold up. Did I say that plaque quote was the best part? I meant this Trump quote:

Trump, who is a leading Republican candidate for President, questioned how historians could dispute the battle. “How would they know,” he told the Times. “Were they there?”

Indeed.

 

UPDATE: Well, this will teach me to scroll through the first couple of pages before I post my hot takes. Dammit. OK, well, this is the story so stupid nice you had to snark twice.

Lifehack: Turn Your Piehole into an Eggplant/Chicken/Mozarrella Stack-hole

[ 46 ] May 2, 2017 |

C-yJL6LVoAAtfX_.jpg_largePut this in your mouth now:

  • 1 big fat eggplant, the bigger and fatter the better, cut into 3/4 inch rounds
  • a few tablespoons of olive oil mixed with a teaspoon or two of balsamic vinegar
  • a cup or 2 of your favorite homemade or bottled marinara sauce
  • 2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese (I imagine slices of fresh would work amazingly as well. I used Tillamook farmhouse-cut and–wow.)
  • 1 cup (or more) shredded leftover or rotisserie chicken
  • a generous handful (or two!) of fresh torn or chopped basil
  • Italian seasoning (Penzeys is a good brand), salt and pepper
  1. Preheat your broiler to High. Brush each eggplant steak generously with the oil-balsamic mixture, season each side generously as well. Broil on each side for at least 6 minutes.
  2. Remove eggplant slices from oven and top with a generous dollop of the marinara, followed by the chicken, cheese and Italian seasoning. Finally top everything with the fresh basil.
  3. Pop under the broiler again for 3-5 minutes, until cheese is gooey and browning. Drizzle with a bit of olive oil.
  4. Have an orgasm. (Optional.)

OK, so this is my very gently modified version of a Rachael Ray recipe. It calls for Parm as well as mozzarella, but frankly the rounds are already so rich and delicious, you’ll really just be gilding the, uh, eggplant.

Vegetarian? I had a few bites of this with no chicken and it was still sinfully delicious. Just leave the chicken out.

Vegan? May God have mercy on your soul.

But seriously guys, try this. It’s kinda like getting the feel of an eggplant Parm but in a quarter of the time and with much less hassle, mess and fat.

Messin’ with Nazquatch: A Play in Four Acts

[ 103 ] April 30, 2017 |

Hi. I–a grown woman–did this today:

“De-politicizing Art”

[ 185 ] April 28, 2017 |
No comment

No comment

 

I’m gonna be honest with you: this is s a long, hard slog. I found big chunks of it incomprehensible.

When I was young my dad–mostly–made a living writing and often hammered home the charms of concision. These charms have yet to be discovered by any Federalist writer and this screed is no exception. Even the passages she quotes are nearly unreadable.

So I’m gonna squint my way through this, tilting my head like a confused dog, and try to tell you what I think she’s getting at.

  1. Art should be apolitical. I don’t know why or if it even can be. We imbue nearly everything with politics. Even food is political, for crying out loud. How, exactly, does one extract politics from art, and why would you want to?
  2. Art is currently dominated by women, which is bad for reasons.
  3. People of Arab descent cannot make art criticizing the West because Americans made Photoshop…or something.
  4. Women don’t like logic.
  5. Modern art is silly.

Anyway, that was my takeaway, but I’m gonna leave you with a couple of quotes, because this woman sure does have a way with words…

Also an overwhelmingly female one. At SVA, seven of this year’s eight graduate projects are curated by women. One is a collaborative effort by eight women. The sex imbalance tallies with a 2012 survey by Bard’s Center for Curatorial Studies citing a preponderance of young women entering the field. That ratio brings with it a bent toward performance art—feminist panty raids on patriarchal culture and its categories.

I’m gonna be thinking about “feminist panty raids on patriarchal culture” for a long time, not gonna lie.

In sum, ending the endowments will not relieve us of art that prefers social practice and intellectual pretension to the cultivation of excellence. Truth and beauty are outcasts among creatures of the academic brain. They will remain in exile without the NEA. And art will remain an artifact of ideology so long as the academy keeps its grip on artists’ training.

I…um…well…ok. Is this truthful and beautiful enough for you?

Why ARE Conservative Women So Pretty?

[ 207 ] April 27, 2017 |

Henry Scanlon of–guess!…Oh, ok, The Federalist–attempts to answer the question. I was going to include this in a links post, but the title alone is so special I had to make this the focus of its own entry.

I realize the genre of fiction called “Lib Women Are Uggos” is a popular one, but this is a rather cheerful, good-natured spin on it, so let’s all enjoy!

 

The young women who attend CPAC are spectacular. No kidding: What’s up with this concentration of incredibly attractive young, conservative women? It’s noticeable and remarkable. They are beautiful and stylish in the way French women often are

Imma not let you finish because…NO.

I sought counsel from my wife. She is European.

I love visiting the country of Europe. So sophisticated, so lovely.

I told her that the young women of CPAC reminded me of the women you see on the boulevards of Paris, and I asked her why women over there were so famously stylish.

Women of great traditional beauty, but also those who would not be described that way, all had the ability to move through the world with manifest and undeniable élan, self-confidence, and personal style, some of the ingredients of a world-renowned attractiveness, so much so that it has been remarked upon for centuries. Her answer was immediate, as if it was obvious, or should be. “It’s because they enjoy being a woman. And they’re glad they’re not men.”

Oh. Maybe it’s that simple.

Well, then let’s call it a day! Oh no, wait. There’s more.

 

The women of the Right are allowed to believe things that the women of the Left are not. They are allowed to believe there is a difference between women and men, female and male, and that those differences are real, not a false cultural construct imposed by a self-interested, manipulative patriarchy. Unlike Gloria Steinem, they can express their femininity in any way they choose to, without fear of being accused of a calumnization of the sisterhood.

Ah yes, that stodgy old Steinem, who was so conventionally attractive she convincingly posed as a Playboy bunny. Good example.

Even more, women of the Right are allowed to accept obvious things rather than engage in exhausting psychic gymnastics to get to a place that is politically correct, while preposterous. If a thug murders a pregnant woman, he should be charged with two murders, not just one, and women of the Right feel no compulsion to weary themselves by filing amicus briefs on behalf of the murderer to nullify the second killing because the unborn baby does not qualify as human life.

That’s right, pondering things deeply is not gonna give our girls ugly thinkin’ lines.

They are allowed to go through life treating people—all people—with dignity, respect, and friendship, and not be concerned about being called racist, even if they are called racist, because they know they are not.

They know it.

Maybe it is for these reasons and many similar ones that the women of CPAC walk with a bounce in their step and a light in their eyes, and maybe that is the engine of their attractiveness, the source of their ability to light up the room. They don’t mind being—no, they revel in being—attractive and stylish and a woman in any way they choose to do that, and they make short, confident work of the notion that they ought to, instead, get hip to the struggle and head for gender studies class.

They don’t mind being—no, they revel in being—attractive and stylish and a woman in any way they choose.

Whatever it is, it is real, and when you get down to it, what it looks like is redemption. Check it out: It will make you feel good about America.

Make you feel good about America IN YOUR PANTS.

Put another way, maybe what I’m noticing is simply women who have been liberated by their worldview to be who they are, uniquely and confidently, unabashedly and apologetically, unencumbered by the politically correct constraints imposed on women of the Left, and the result is a kind of essential womanhood that, far from being oppressive, as the Left would have it, is instead, miraculous and quintessential, and, you could say, God-given.

Ah, so it was God who gave Ivanka her second face. Dude’s an incredible surgeon on top of everything else.

Famous for 12 Hours: Friday Art Break

[ 29 ] April 21, 2017 |

Hey, folks. DeviantArt has honored me today with my seventh? eighth? Daily Deviation. It’s nice getting this recognition because it gets lots of peepers on my gallery, I get new followers, plus it’s just a neat, fun thing in general. Hop on over to see my “Favorites” total go up.

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