The Warriors are Back in Town
By By Pete Hegseth (not really, please don’t ship me to Cecot)
For years, the military languished under the leadership of Joe Biden. He wasn’t fit to be Commander-in-Chief. He was too old, too out of touch, and a slave to DEI initiatives that harmed unit cohesion.
When you serve, you have to have a warfighter mentality. That means no fear–no fear of service, of hard work, of battle. What you can fear is women, gay and trans people, though. Those people are terrifying. It’s why I’m meeting recruitment goals by unceremoniously kicking them all out of the military.
What people don’t understand about serving is that your the mission has to come before any weird quirk you might have, like, say, having a vagina, being trans, or not being white. It’s the kind of thing I learned about while navigating the mean streets of the FOX News studio. There I had to sit on different couches, some of which were uncomfortable. I also had to refrain from drinking for minutes at a time. What’s more, sometimes I had to sit next to Brian Kilmeade. This is the kind of thing that made me into war machiner I am today.
Being a warrior princess takes discipline. It’s not for everyone. For example, I can do 50 pushups, I can do 25 pull-ups, and I can almost cut off a man’s hand when I’m not paying attention to where I’m throwing an axe. I’m also proud to be on duty-24-7. At any given time, you can find me making jaunty videos for the troops or texting war plans to journalists. This is the kind of juice it takes to be a man ‘o war.
Finally, it’s critical that people who represent the military lend dignity and credibility to the five branches of service. As we all know, LGBTQ people and women are biologically lacking in these things. It’s science. And that’s ok. Not everyone can be like me, a thrice-married, credibly accused sexual assaulter, and showy queen who hydrates with vodka and liberal tears.
Semper Fi, warfightwarriordoers!
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(I have told the commenters on this thread I will create an original work of art for any raffle/bidder winner)