SCORE!
By Friends, it pleases me to no end to announce that as this fundraiser is wrapping up, I have scored a place at TPUSA, in its journalism division. As such I immediately scored an interview with our president, where we discussed everything from ballrooms to drone ports to gold curtains. Please enjoy!
Me: Sir, it’s a pleasure to be interviewing you.
President Trump: Yes, it is.
Me: Sir, I want to begin with the topic of the affordability.
President Trump: Listen I already told you: the ballroom is affordable. The most affordable ballroom drone port hospital of all time. It will be paid for by donors. And the taxpayers. But also donors. But also taxpayers.
Me: I see. Mr. President, the ballroom is clearly a national need. But beyond that I was wondering if you had anything to say to voters who are worried about gas or grocery prices.
President Trump: Watch me do this imitation of a woman competing against a trans athlete.
Me: O-ok.
President Trump: *Grunts, groans, grunts, groans* “BOOM!“
Me: Masterful, Sir. I like the part where you imply that no cis woman could ever compete a trans woman or cis man, ever, in any sport. It’s incredibly funny. You’re really looking for women athletes, aren’t you? That said, what do you say to people who are feeling the pinch of inflation?
President Trump: *LOUD FART*
Me: Wow, Sir…it’s like a bouquet of roses and marigolds. How do you do it?
President Trump: I love McFishy sandwiches. You know the word “sandwich” is interesting, because there’s no “t” in the “witch.” It’s not like a witch made of sand. Most people don’t know that.
Me: Very true, Sir. Very smart. I can see why you aced those three cognitive tests.
President Trump: Four. It’s four now. When I pass the fifth one, I get a free McFishy.
Me: Congratulations, Mr. President. It will have been well-earned. Now, I was wondering if we could pivot to the handling of the Epstein fi–
[It was at this point the President shat himself and promptly fell asleep, though I can’t tell if he was just blinking really slowly or not. Regardless, the interview had ended, and I was ushered out of the room.]
Now I’m sure that some of you will have qualms about my doing business with TPUSA, but I hope that you value hard-hitting journalism enough to put your prejudices aside and support my work by bidding on the following piece. I’m offering this and not a bespoke piece, because I never feel custom pieces are my best pieces. I always feel as if they’re subpar. And I want to offer you my best.
“Death Coquette”