Catching Up on Links, Catching Up with GamerGate and a Fool-Proof Plan to Drain the North Sea

I’ve been out of commission for awhile, but y’all have still been sending links. Thank you!

“I meant to do that.”—Pee Wee Herman https://t.co/IhXruPVbgy

— bspencer (@vacuumslayer) January 14, 2015

• Admitted rapist Roosh accidentally publishes a Birch manifesto on his manly beer boobs testicles penis boner semen gaming site, Reaxxion. LULZ are to be had. Keks, even, I am told by people are not 80 million years old like me.
• While I was sick (I’m actually still sick, just slowly getting better) I had a little time to get horizontal and just read and lurk. Since I can’t seem to quit GamerGate, I had to find a way to filter its awfulness for the sake of my mental health. So I started getting my GG fix here. It’s GamerGhazi, reddit’s premiere anti-GamerGate circlejerk. Check it out.
• If there’s anything I like more than the florid, melodramatic movie-villian-speak GGer’s use ALL. THE. TIME. it’s the way that they are so susceptible to epic trolling. Sometimes it almost makes me feel sorry for them. Then I remember they are SWATing, doxxing, harrassing, buttboils and my sympathy disappears.
• Dr. Bimler would like you to know that robots are no longer considered dangerous. Although mine keeps giving me the stinkeye while dragging his robot finger across his neck, so I remain unconvinced.
• Dr. Bimler would also like you know about this One Weird Trick to increase land mass in Europe. Sea-dwelling animals hate it!
• In other news, I was worrying about analingus on television before worrying about analingus on television was cool. Because SATC did an episode broaching the subject over a decade ago.

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A simpler more innocent time

JFK campaigning in 1960.

The kid with the gun looks very bored.

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Tanned, Rested, Ready, and Obscenely Wealthy: A Guest Post By Mitt “Mitt” Romney

Lawyers, Guns and Money is proud to interrupt your usual string of lazy link with one-liner posts insightful longform essays with an impassioned missive from someone back in the news, an alleged former governor of Massachusetts and professional fundraiser and robotic talking-points spouter. Enjoy!

Gosh, my friends, it sure seems like only yesterday when we were on our way to a crushing victory over the, ah, dark forces of Barack Obama, under whose leadership America’s once-bright future has, um, dimmed, leaving us staring into a bla–

Uh, well, you understand where I’m coming from. “Ann” and I to this day often sit down with our five boys — Tagg, Fritz, Spork, Clog, and (annoyed grunt) — and ask ourselves what happened. They’re growing boys, as you know, and they’ll often scarf down one of “Ann’s” special treats, like unflavored pudding or mayonnaise on white bread. Clog likes his bread toasted, but “Ann” says the shards of toast “feel like machetes” when she tries to swallow it, so it’s plain white bread for us.

I can assure you that our internal campaign figures and computer numbers and whatnot guaranteed a “Mitt” Romney victory — my top advisers assured me of such every time their direct deposit payments hit their checking accounts, and I’m sure they were right on the money. But I suppose some things will have to remain a mystery, like, for example, the exact percentage of our income that “Ann” and I have paid in taxes over the past several years. Only God and Saul, our Israelite accountant, will ever know for sure.

At any rate, while “Ann” and I have made no final decisions about what would be my first real attempt at winning election to the presidency (my first race was merely dabbling, and you’ll recall that my last attempt at the office was undertaken largely against my will, so these should not be counted), I can assure you that we will not be swayed by the opinions of Jennifer Robins at the Washington Post. I plan spend the next few months asking ordinary Americans what I can do to help make their lives better. I’ll go from corporate boardroom to corporate boardroom, from country club to $50,000 a plate gala dinner, to hear from regular folks.

“Regular folks.” Ha! They’re adorable! Many of them, I would imagine, don’t even have elevators for their cars! I guess you’re taking the stairs, Mr. Aston Martin! Oh, gosh, I’m almost giddy today!

These are people who realize that, under a “Mitt” Romney presidency, there would be no ISIS, and Vladimir Putin would know his place. People would be more physically appealing, cancer would surrender to our doctors, and everyone would win the Powerball. That’s the kind of leadership you’ll see from President “Mitt” Romney, and it would be unfair to the American people to deprive them of my own gifts simply because Robert Jefferson at the Washington Post has some problem with me attempting what, again, would really be my first run for the presidency, or political office of any kind, really.

Rest assured that once I have interacted with other human beings in regards to my future plans, I will inform you of same in a timely fashion. Thank you my friends, and God Bless the United States of America!

Mitt “Mitt” Romney

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“Sure, Lucy Didn’t Even Bring Her Football Onto the Field. But, Trust Me, It Will Be There.”

Matt Lewis insults your intelligence:

If Obama were really concerned about bridging the gap, he wouldn’t reflexively promise to veto the first piece of legislation presented to him by this new Congress. Doing so doesn’t exactly demonstrate that he heard the message voters sent him in November when, yes, his policies were on the ballot, and yes, they were rejected. But perhaps more importantly, passing Keystone would be a gesture of goodwill to a new Congress. It might actually restore some small modicum of hope in the American people that their government can get something done — that we aren’t predestined to suffer gridlock and obstructionism.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Right, Obama refusing to veto Keystone would surely produce an era of bipartisan comity. And If Obama were to veto 3 whole bills in 6 years, this could clearly be identified as the primary source of gridlock on Washington. And Ryan Lindley will be the NFL MVP next year. Scout’s honor!

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Republicans v. Science

This is the kind of trolling I can strongly approve of.

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Arbitrary Detention Cannot Fail, It Can Only Be Failed

Shorter John McCain, Richard Burr, Lindsey Graham, and Kelly Ayotte: “We can’t possibly release prisoners from Gitmo now. How else could the terrorist attacks in France have not been prevented?”

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Empowerment Fail

If you’re not me and you don’t live in a cave– unaware that World War II has ended– you’ve probably heard the Meghan Trainor song “All about that Bass.” If you have, perhaps you thought yourself, “Well, that’s refreshing and empowering song about ‘people of size’.” Because at first listen, it is. But listen more closely. The appeals to the male gaze are not empowering:

“Boys like a little more booty to hold at night”

“‘Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase”

And I don’t like referring to thin women as “skinny bitches.”

“I’m bringing booty back
Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that”

Nope. I don’t like it. Women who are thinner than I am are not my enemy; they’re just women who are thinner than I am. That’s it. Women of all sizes should band together to fight body-shaming.

So, sorry, Meghan. Your song is super-catchy, but it’s not the empowering anthem you think it is. You squandered the opportunity to do something incredibly positive and joyful. Try to do better next time; I know you can.

That being said, the video is a sweet, funny, candy-colored treat.

In other news, I’ve just discovered the Sia video for “Chandelier.” (I’m barely kidding about that cave thing; I am *so* out of the pop culture loop these days.) Please watch it right away: the sets and cinematography are gorgeous and so is the choreography. This video haunts me.

What songs/videos are in heavy rotation for you these days?

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Jen Hearts Mittens Jeb

You heard about how the guy with the Romney face tattoo is no longer backing Romney? That’s nothing!

It’s to a post by WaPo’s Republican blogger Jennifer Rubin, that thoroughly mocks and trashes the idea of Mitt ‘16.

I’m not sure which analogy most aptly describes how shocking this is. Peter’s three-fold denial of Christ? The time Colonel Sanders went off on the quality of KFC’s food? Eldridge Cleaver’s conversion to born-again Christianity? Rubin’s commentary on the 2012 campaign—both the primary and general election phases—was such an endless paen to Mitt Romney that it became a significant sub-topic of campaign journalism (check out this massive Conor Friedersdorf description of her Mitt-o-rific writing). Now her dismissal of Romney ‘16 is as cold and nasty as a Bain firing notice. And it’s not really mitigated by her pretence that Mitt’s interest in running is a fabrication of his former campaign consultants.

In addition to the shift in hack allegiances, I enjoyed this from another Rubin anti-Romney post:

And finally, Romney, it is reported, is talking about adhering to the same anti-immigration-reform, self-deportation stance that led him to win only 27 percent of the Hispanic vote. This is back to the future for the GOP, reverting to a message directed at an electorate (old, white, male) that is shrinking. If he also is going to run against gay marriage, he can forget the millennial vote as well. Romney represents precisely the model that has led the GOP to defeat.

So, what makes Romney unelectable in 2016 are…some of the positions that will be necessary for any candidate to be minimally acceptable to the Republican primary electorate? I can’t wait for the series of blog posts in which Rubin argues in which the Republican candidates opposition to same-sex marriage is a brilliant ploy to stand up against the urban hipster elite.

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