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Summer States

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Mostly I can’t disagree with this ranking of which states are the worst to spend summer. Washington is named the best state and while it might be a touch chilly at times, sure. Then it’s Minnesota. My one experience with a Minnesota summer is being 11, going to a family reunion at Leech Lake, which my brother discovered earned its name, feeling humidity for the first time, and being feasted upon my mosquitoes. I guess compared to every other time in Minnesota, this is pleasant. Rhode Island is third, and while I can’t accept that any place with a high level of humidity is better than Oregon, Rhode Island is very pleasant in the summer. I should however say that in 6 years of living in Rhode Island, I have spent precisely 0 days at the beach in that state. I think I spent one at Cape Cod a couple of years ago; it was fine because my brother-in-law had a little kayak and I tooled around on the pond on the other side of the road. Then we have Oregon, which is of course objectively the best state in everything except for cheese and Wisconsin helped elect Donald Trump so bite me Sconnies.

Anyway, I mention all of this because the list has one grave error. As you get closer to #1, the states get worse and worse. And I certainly get making grand statements about parts of the country made mostly just to irritate readers, trust me. But the ranking of New Mexico I cannot abide.

9. New Mexico

It’s tough to escape the desert heat when even the water supply has state-mandated thresholds of green chile. Somewhere south of Santa Fe there’s a gila monster pricing flights to Seattle at a public library before realizing he has no source of income and deciding to peruse some NSFW lizard websites instead, really creeping everyone out in the process.

No, no, no. Look, if you are in Las Cruces summer may suck. But who does that except for the poor bastards living there? If you are Albuquerque or north, it’s not bad to pretty bloody awesome. There’s a reason 50% of the vehicles in New Mexico in the summer are trucks with Texas plates. I think Texas actually enforces its fantasy 1836 map on the state between June and August; certainly places such as Red River and Eagle Nest feel like Dallas except not ugly and the worst place on Earth. Basically, there’s no comparison between New Mexico and the other far southern states in the summer because you are at 5000 feet or higher. And that elevation makes all the difference. June can be pretty rough, yes. Then the monsoons come and those are awesome. By August, when the eastern half of the nation is sitting under 90 degree temperatures and 72 degree dewpoints, it may well be 90 in Albuquerque, but it is dry yet just enough moisture to take the edge off and maybe you get a thunderstorm in the afternoon. In Santa Fe or Taos, it’s basically paradise, or at least it would be if you could get rid of the millionaires from New York playing cowboy and wearing bolo ties and hoop skirts while staying at $350 hotels. Outside of June, there really isn’t a terrible time to be in New Mexico, which says a lot more for it than most of the country.

In conclusion Go Lobos. Also, fuck Texas.

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