JD Vance May Not Be the Only Disturbing Organism Oozing From Ohio
By 
A ship that docked in Cleveland last summer harbored what scientists believe was a previously unknown form of life.
The revelation occurred after the research vessel Blue Heron, which was monitoring harmful algal blooms in Lake Erie, began having mechanical issues.
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Lee noticed a tar-like substance oozing from the rudder post, a normally hidden component of the ship’s steering apparatus that was exposed during maintenance.
He had never seen anything like it during previous dry dock inspections of the ship, a former fishing boat acquired by the University of Minnesota Duluth to conduct research.
Curious, Lee took a glop of the goo and plopped it in water to see if it left a sheen. It didn’t. Then he turned a blowtorch on the slimy substance to see if it would burn. It didn’t do that either.
Baffled, he had experts at the University of Minnesota Duluth investigate.
“Hey, we work for a science lab,” he said. “We have people who do things.”
That’s when Doug Ricketts, marine superintendent for the Blue Heron, came into the picture. During one of his trips to Cleveland to check on the progress of repairs, he put a half cup of the goo into a sample bag and carted it back to Duluth.
Once there, he handed it over to Cody Sheik, an associate professor at the university and an expert in microbial ecology.
Sheik’s interest was immediately piqued. The goo looked like something his former graduate school associates at University of Oklahoma plucked from oil reservoirs to examine for organisms. As for the substance found on the Blue Heron, he thought, “maybe there might be something in there hanging out.”
To learn more, Sheik used chemicals to crack open the cells of the goo and expose their microscopic inner workings. In doing so, he discovered about 20 DNA sequences, or genomes, and ran them through a worldwide computer database.
Most of the sequences matched known genomes found elsewhere in the world, he said, but a few were less identifiable, including one that was completely novel. It’s now known, at least temporarily, as ShipGoo001.
ShipGoo001 is believed to be a single cell organism, but its appearance is not yet evident. It could be thread-like, spherical or even twisty, Sheik said.
Maybe this first reached Ohio about 45 years ago and eventually solidifies as a fake Appalachian fascist who becomes VP.