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The Republican War Against Plumbing

Unsplash. Hee hee.

In common with all white supremacists, Republicans love to make up things to get mad about. Usually they make up things about various groups or individual people and use their lies to justify violence against the group or person. But Mike Shirkey serves as a reminder that they’re flexible enough to get very mad about inanimate objects, too.

For example, indoor plumbing.

2013 – mop sink or Muslim plot?

Tennessee legislators were worried that the new porcelain fixture in a corner of a remodeled Capitol restroom might splash Sharia Law all over them, but building managers were quick to reassure them that it was merely a mop sink. As we all know, Muslim footbaths threaten America’s social fabric (actual headline), so you just can’t be too careful about these things!

As some of you will recall the suspicious object was a mop sink. And not a mop sink that someone snuck in and placed against a random wall. It was a mop sink built in place of an old utility sink in one of the restrooms.

Even a Republican could have worked out that the thing was still for janitors. And hey, now the janitors won’t have to strain to lift a mop or mop bucket into the sink that was here before.

But that would require a basic understanding of what it is that janitors do, which would mean taking an interest in the lives of people who tend to be Black or brown and working class and expose them to the risk of being grateful to people who make their lives better. Just as importantly it would have meant passing up on a chance to piss their pants about creeping Sharia. Remember that?

And for all I know the sadistic weirdos were angry because janitors wouldn’t have to hoist buckets and heavy, wet mops any more.

2019-2020 five-minute dishwashers and 10-flush toilets.

“Remember the dishwasher, you’d press it. Boom — there’d be like an explosion. Five minutes later, you open it up, the steam pours out,” Trump said reminiscing about dishwashers that used more energy and water to wash and dry dishes. “Now you press it 12 times. The women tell me, again. They give you like four drops of water.”

Ah yes, who could forget the heady days of the exploding, scalding steam belching dishwasher that cleaned dishes, pots and utensils in five minutes?

No one except the rich, spoiled POS who never ran a dishwasher in his entire pathetic excuse for a life. Sad.

Pantomiming a flushing motion, Trump brought his frustrations with low-flow toilets to life. “Ten times right, 10 times. Bah bah,” Trump said, before pointing at some poor soul in the crowd and accusing him of requiring a lot of flushes. “Not me, of course. Not me. But you. Him.”

First of all, you know lie is fucking moronic when the fucking moron in chief realizes mid-rant that it might make him look like he regularly drops big toilet-choking logs, so he reduces the very true and very widespread problem he’s been ranting about to the problem of one man and his colon.

Second, fuck that “poor soul” for attending the rally. Public humiliation is the very least everyone who willingly associates with the mean tangerine deserves.

2022 – Feelin’ hot, hot, hot [water in a toilet]

The outgoing Senate leader told a series of stories during his speech, including one about reaching his hand into a Senate toilet to test the water temperature after noticing warmth in the bathroom.

It is well known that bathrooms melt if they aren’t kept below room temperature. It’s all that tile, you see.

“I put my hand in it, and it was hot water,” Shirkey said. “So I went back to the office and said, ‘Please, get a hold of maintenance staff around here and ask them why taxpayers are paying for hot water in our toilets.”

IANAP (I am not a plumber) but I believe that hot water in unexpected places is a sign that something has gone wrong. Especially enough hot water to raise a room’s temperature. A normal person who encountered unexpected hot water would call an expert and ask them to check it out.

Without sticking their hands in the water.

A normal person would not stick their hands in the water and then think “J’accuse! I will have my staff launch an inquiry into this waste of taxpayer money!”

And I don’t know Shirkey’s normal speech patterns but “… get a hold of maintenance staff around here and ask them … ” is the sort of verbal infilling I associate with a practiced lie. Which is a normal speech pattern for a Republican. So never mind.

No word on whether Republicans have reached the stage where they’re physically attacking bathroom fixtures, appliances or plumbing. Or doing that weird thing where they waste money to own the libs. Use the dishwasher to clean plates, pans and utensils, one item at a time! Take laxatives, poop more and flush lots! Leave the shower running all night!

But semi-coherent yelling about indoor plumbing and freedom is great for justifying behavior that fucks up the environment.

People who post off-topic comments drink deep Mike Shirkey’s unflushed toilet.

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