Icing Down their Fears
By 
As a reporter, it’s my duty to talk to voters about the issues that drive their votes. I was curious about the recent upset election of Glenn Youngkin and wanted to talk to some suburban moms in Fairfax County, VA about what made them swing to Youngkin. The answer I got may surprise you. They are, to a person, extremely upset about the explosive resurgence of Rob Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice.
It’s easy to scoff at this answer. Sure, Vanilla Ice is at best a D-list celebrity who appears exclusively on novelty shows on novelty networks. But these Cheddar Jack Cheezit-ass moms are dead serious about Vanilla Ice appearing in Oscar-nominated films like “Cool As Ice (1991)” and how this media takeover is influencing their kids.
Take Karen Beckee, for instance. A longtime local Republican operative I MEAN swing voter, she says she’s deeply concerned about her son’s education. I pressed her on what she meant by “education” and she said, “My son is is coming home with nothing but Vanilla Ice lyrics on his lips. He thinks he doesn’t need an education. He thinks he can craft one banger of a rap song that’s easily digestible to white people and coast on that for 30 years. It’s disgusting.”
Karen went to say she was frustrated by her inability to combat Vanilla Ice’s animal magnetism and that his winning People’s “Sexiest Man Alive 2021” award hadn’t helped. When I pointed out that Paul Rudd had, in fact, won this year, she punched me in the face. And I thanked her, because I realized I needed to approach her fears with an attitude of understanding and humility.
Elites of all stripes, but especially the kind that are upper-middle-class academic types, dismiss these issues at their own peril. Sure, this is a completely made-up, weirdo, bullshit, astroturf campaign, but these moron moms must be appeased. Don’t wanna? LOL, have fun losing elections.