Folks, folks…what is with this movie, “Parasite?’ Some Korean job? It’s about some family of slobs that moves into this ugly house and murders some other slobs? I tell ya, those Koreans don’t know anything about making good movies.
*crowd boos…Koreans? the film? the director?…who knows*
I mean what was with that house? Yer telling me rich people live there? Where’s the gold? Where’s the statues? Where’s the RENOIR?! *smirks, happy he remembered “Renoir,” now serving as Only Artist He Knows*
*crowd laughs uproariously*
Folks, I gotta tell you I don’t get this movie. I mean, where is the glamour? I remember the days when movies had glamour, stars like Suzanne Sommers and Burt Reynolds. This picture? I don’t know, I tell ya…
*crowd laughs excitedly, confusedly, hornily*
And this political correctness–NOT ONE white face on that screen. Not one. For two hours– I tell you what– it’s BULLSHIT!
*crowd boos, extremely upset Dear Leader had to look at non-white and possibly non-hot faces for awhile*
I tell ya what, the world’s gone crazy–people are saying the rich people aren’t the heroes. WHAT. MOVIE. ARE. THESE. PEOPLE. WATCHING, I ASK YOU! “Rich” *finger quotes* man is right outta central casting–radio voice, doesn’t let people cross the line and he’s got a nice pretty wife and what have these people done wrong? Nothing. NOT A DAMN THING. Try to plan a nice party, that’s it.
Folks, I gotta tell you I liked the husband, I liked the husband. Had a nice pretty wife, didn’t let people cross the line.
*crowd cheers for non-line-crossing, presumably*
But those POOR people, I tell ya. Did NOT have their shit together. What clowns, clowns and babies, those people. And they repay the man with murder and mayhem? Clowns and babies, ALL OF THEM!
*crowd looks around frantically for poor Korean people to beat up*
And to add consult to injury these poor bastards talk bad about my tremendously good friend, Kim Jong-Un, a tremendous leader, a strong, tremendous leader. It’s PC CRAP. All of it!
Hollywood needs to make a good–hey folks…what about a movie about the Trump family? *zones out while pupils dilate suspiciously* Who are they gonna get to play Trump? Not Alec Baldwin, I can tell you that.
*crowd begins burning Alec Baldwin in effigy*
Richard Gere, maybe?
*crowd laughs approvingly. Trump is good, kind, handsome, wants to free Tibet…wait…suddenly crowd becomes confused…Richard Gere BAD. LIBERAL. Confusion overwhelms. Trump good but Gere bad can bad Gere play good Trump? Crowd begins screaming, every person in extreme pain as heads begin literally exploding*
It’s a crazy thought, right? *Trump doesn’t noticed a stadium full of a people with exploding heads as he dreams of Hollywood finally recognizing his stature and genius*