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Here is the SEK you know and love and is still alive (barely)

[ 71 ] March 24, 2016 |

[I found this in my Gmail “Drafts” folder after my appendectomy. Yes, right, by the by — I had an appendectomy. Anyway, I have no memory of writing it, but it damn sure sounds like me. In my defense, you wake up in pain, afraid, and alone, and you’d likely be a bit ornery too.]

DOCTOR: How would you rate your pain on a scale of —

SEK: ELEVEN BILLION

DOCTOR: On a scale of one to —

SEK: CHESTBURSTER

DOCTOR: One to ten.

SEK: ELEVEN BILLION AND CHESTBURSTER

DOCTOR: That’s not a number.

SEK: YOU’RE NOT A NUMBER

DOCTOR: So it hurts?

SEK: IT JOHN HURTS MOTHERFUCKER

DOCTOR: We’re going to take care of you.

SEK: NOT IF I TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST

DOCTOR: You came through with flying —

SEK: YOU CAME THROUGH WITH FLYING —

DOCTOR: Are you just going to repeat what I say now?

SEK: AM I JUST GOING TO —

DOCTOR: [STARES]

SEK: [sheepishly] I HURT ELEVEN BILLION AND CHESTBURSTER

DOCTOR: I’ll forgive you — this time.

SEK: I’LL FORGIVE YOU —

DOCTOR: [GLOWERS]

SEK: THANK YOU KIND WOMAN [hesitates] HERE IS MY “MUST ALWAYS RESUSCITATE” ORDER

DOCTOR: This is a napkin.

SEK: TURN IT OVER

DOCTOR: “We’ll do whatever it takes, God damn it, I won’t let him die on my table.” Cute.

SEK: NOT CUTE TRUTH

DOCTOR: You do realize we already did the surgery, right? You’re post-op.

SEK: OF COURSE

DOCTOR: We’re just monitoring you now.

SEK: I KNOW THAT

DOCTOR: Of course you do.

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My reaction to learning of Zack Snyder’s love of “The Fountainhead”?

[ 94 ] March 18, 2016 |

Thrilled and shocked, I tell you.

Thrilled and shocked.

Excerpt:

Zack Snyder’s announcement on Thursday that he has “been working on [Ayn Rand’s] ‘The Fountainhead,’” because he’s always “felt like ‘The Fountainhead’ was such a thesis on the creative process and what it is to create something” only surprised those who haven’t been paying attention to Snyder’s particular brand of formally derivative, philosophically empty film-making, in which rich comic-book tapestries are ripped from their panels and transformed into pointless spectacles of sex and violence…

In retrospect, I should’ve turned this into a real-life Marx Bros. routine

[ 43 ] March 16, 2016 |

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY FRONT DOOR: Hello? Hello? Are you in there?

SEK: I am — hold on, let me secure the cats.

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY FRONT DOOR: Sorry, I’m looking for the other one. Are you watching Supergirl?

SEK: No, election results — but I do watch Supergirl, why do you ask?

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY FRONT DOOR: No reason, I was looking for the other one anyway.

SEK: OK, hope you find it. (closes front door)

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY OFFICE DOOR: Hello? Hello? Are you in there?

SEK: (opens front door) That’s me too.

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY OFFICE DOOR: No, I’m looking for the one that’s here.

SEK: That’s my office. Hold on. (closes front door, walks to office, opens office door) See? This one is also me.

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY OFFICE DOOR: What happened to the other one?

SEK: I just moved in, I’m not sure.

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY OFFICE DOOR: Maybe the other man knows.

SEK: (to self) She’s not going to do it, she’s not going to do it, she’s not going to…

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY FRONT DOOR AGAIN: Hello? Hello? Are you in there?

SEK: (closes office door, walks to living room, opens front door) Still me!

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY FRONT DOOR: Where’s the other one?

God damn it, you people…

[ 44 ] March 16, 2016 |

valleywind
I have work to do this morning and the UPS man just delivered a package containing this and a note:

Here’s a housewarming gift from your friends in the LGM comment section. Enjoy!

P.S. Feel free to write a series of posts, preferably in chronological order, breaking down the development of his signature style.

I’m supposed to be working here, not on the verge of tears. Y’all are the best.

No need to debate who won the Internet today…

[ 29 ] March 11, 2016 |

wieners circle
it’s the Wiener’s Circle.

(And yes — some days puns do indeed matter.)

BATTLE STATIONS BATTLE STATIONS NEVER MIND RETREAT RETREAT

[ 19 ] March 8, 2016 |
"Portrait of a Chickenshit as an OLDMAN" by Megan Nowell Photography (2016)

“Portrait of a Chickenshit as an OLDMAN CAT” by Megan Nowell Photography (2016)

OLDMAN VIRGIL: DO YOU HEAR THAT

SEK: Hear what?

OLDMAN VIRGIL: THE SKITTERING

SEK: I do not.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: IT IS COMING FROM THE PORCH

SEK: I’ll investigate. You’re safe, nerds, it’s just a tiny —

OLDMAN MUND: HOLY FUCK IT’S A MOUSE RUN AWAY RUN AWAY

SEK: You did not just say that.

OLDMAN MUND: BATTLE STATIONS BATTLE STATIONS NEVER MIND RETREAT RETREAT

SEK: Are you serious?

OLDMAN MUND: ALL CATS COMMENCE SIDEWAYS HOPPING

OLDMAN VIRGIL: I WOULD BUT I’M TIRED GOOD NIGHT

SEK: What is wrong with you two?

OLDMAN MUND: TO THE HALLWAY IF YOU WANT TO LIVE

SEK: Do you even know what you are?

OLDMAN VIRGIL: NOT ASLEEP YET SHUT UP YOU TWO

OLDMAN MUND: THIS IS IT

SEK: It really isn’t.

OLDMAN MUND: TELL THE OTHER MOMMA I LOVE HER WAIT WHERE DID THE MOUSE GO

SEK: I closed the door.

OLDMAN MUND: SO WHERE IS IT

SEK: Still outside, where it’s always been.

OLDMAN MUND: WELL I SHOWED IT

SEK: Your true colors, you little chickenshit.

Dinesh D’Souza just tried to refute my beatdown of his new trailer by…

[ 95 ] March 7, 2016 |

referencing, well, a book with which I’m intimately familiar.

Here’s my take on his new trailer — which is far more subtle than the trailer itself, I should add — and here’s my response to his attempt to use Jonah against me.

Seriously, people, don’t make it so easy for me to beat you down, because the Goddamn Batman is in a mood, and well that pretty much sums it up.

WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY

[ 36 ] March 7, 2016 |

OLDMAN CAT: WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY

SEK: Good question. Why is this table sticky?

OLDMAN CAT: ASKED YOU FIRST

SEK: I’m not the one who made it sticky.

OLDMAN CAT: ME NEITHER ALL I DID WAS

SEK: All you did was what?

OLDMAN CAT: NOTHING

SEK: What did you do?

OLDMAN CAT: FINE I DRANK FROM YOUR WATER BOWL AFTER YOU FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH

SEK: My water bowl? You mean my coffee cup?

OLDMAN CAT: THE ONE THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE MY WATER BOWL

SEK: That’s because we just moved and they’re the only damn cups I can find at the moment.

OLDMAN CAT: GOOD WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE

SEK: No, we’re not. I don’t always put water in my water bowl.

OLDMAN CAT: YOU ARE NOT KIDDING

SEK: Why would I kid about that?

OLDMAN CAT: THAT BILGE YOU HAD IN THERE LAST NIGHT PISSED ME OFF

SEK: It was warm ginger ale and vodka.

OLDMAN CAT: IT PISSED ME OFF

SEK: So let me guess, you stuck your paw in it, banged it around, made the splashy noise?

OLDMAN CAT: DAMN RIGHT I DID

SEK: And your original question was?

OLDMAN CAT: WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY

I get mail — and sometimes I even respond to it

[ 19 ] March 4, 2016 |

I have lots of news, much of it of the HUGE variety, but until I’m more settled in, you’ll have to settle for this and a bunch of OLDMAN CAT posts:

HATE-MAILER: You’re no objective journalist the way you treat Trump, you clearly have a dog in this race.

SEK: I’m a cat person.

HATE-MAILER: IT’S AN EXPRESSION

SEK: What’s an expression?

HATE-MAILER: HAVING A DOG IN A RACE

SEK: I told you, I’m a cat person.

HATE-MAILER: DO YOU EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH

SEK: Why, do you want to build a wall to keep cat-people out?

HATE-MAILER: I THINK YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN AND ARE MESSING WITH ME

SEK: You think?

Developing SEK situation…

[ 187 ] February 24, 2016 |

For those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook but have always wanted to get in on the ground of an SEK-level event, my Facebook feed is visible to the public and things are about to get very, very hilarious.

FOLLOW OLDMAN CAT ON FACEBOOK

[ 19 ] January 4, 2016 |

themund

This may be of interest to some of you. I only post the OLDMAN CAT posts that aren’t too self-referential or self-involved here, but 100 percent of all OLDMAN CAT posts will be on his new Facebook page, which in the two days since I put it up have given me new insight as to how Marshall Mathers must feel about “Eminem.”

On another note, a certain artistically talented person who posts here is collaborating with a certain elderly feline on a project. GET EXCITED PEOPLE 2016 IS THE YEAR OF OLDMAN CAT.

Here’s a sample of what you’ve been missing.

Far be it for me to ask you to read something about Donald Trump, however!

[ 15 ] January 1, 2016 |

I’m inordinately proud of what I can accomplish when I have more than 10 minutes to collect my thoughts — or in this case, the Donald’s — and do something like this to them.

Remember when that’s what blogging was like? We are so old, and so broken now.

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