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SEK IS LIAR WHO LIES WITH HIS LIES

[ 8 ] September 29, 2016 |

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ALL WORDS COURTESY OF OLDMAN CAT FACEBOOK PAGE BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE WE LIVE

OLDMAN MUND: WHAT HAPPENED HERE

SEK: Bunch of fleas died.

OLDMAN MUND: WHO KILLED THEM

SEK: You did.

OLDMAN MUND: DID NOT THEY WERE MY FRIENDS

SEK: No, they weren’t.

OLDMAN MUND: NOW THEY ARE DEAD

SEK: The horror, the horror —

OLDMAN MUND: HOW THEY DIE FOR REAL

SEK: You killed them, for real.

OLDMAN MUND: LIAR WHO LIES WITH LIES

SEK: Do you feel itchy anymore?

OLDMAN MUND: NO

SEK: That’s because I put the flea medication on you.

OLDMAN MUND: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE THEM BETTER

SEK: No, it was supposed to kill them.

OLDMAN MUND: I AM A MONSTER

SEK: No argument here.

OLDMAN MUND: LETHAL KILLING MACHINE KILLING MY FRIENDS

SEK: They weren’t your friends, they were —

OLDMAN MUND: I AM NO BETTER THAN YOU

SEK: Hold on a minute, now —

OLDMAN MUND: WHAT YOU DO TO DREAMS I DO TO FRIENDS

SEK: What dreams?

OLDMAN MUND: GIVE ME A TREAT I AM DESPONDENT

SEK: I just gave you a treat five minutes ago, you don’t need —

OLDMAN MUND: DREAM KILLER

ALL WORDS COURTESY OF OLDMAN CAT FACEBOOK PAGE BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE WE LIVE

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The Ballad of OLDMAN CAT versus the CANDIED INSECTS

[ 13 ] September 28, 2016 |

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Part One

1. I take a nice long bubble bath in an apartment empty but for me and the OLDMEN CATS

2. I sleep for eight hours alone but for me and the OLDMEN CATS

3. I awake to find half my house covered in tiny black insects carrying eggs that are neither ants nor fleas nor anything else about which the Internet knows

4. This place is weird

5. And hopefully they disappear as quickly and magically as they appeared

UPDATE: There were half as many invading insects early this morning and about a third of half by noon, so if my math’s correct they should all have un-infested my house by day’s end

Part Two

OLDMAN CAT: WANT CANDY DAMN IT

SEK: No, you don’t.

OLDMAN CAT: WANT CANDY DAMN IT

SEK: Repetition isn’t argument.

OLDMAN CAT: WANT CANDY DAMN IT

SEK: I’ll bite. What’s candy?

OLDMAN CAT: WANT CANDY DAMN IT

SEK: What KIND of candy?

OLDMAN CAT: CANDIED CEILING FANS GEOCITIES RECENTLY DRIED PAINT TURKEY

SEK: I could have sworn I was awake.

OLDMAN CAT: WANT CANDY DAMN IT

SEK: Or maybe you’re just weird.

OLDMAN CAT: CANDIED HERRING PIE SOLAR POWER SEAT RAIL THOSE INSECTS ALL OVER ALL THE WALLS

SEK: Definitely asleep — wait, what insects all over all the walls?

OLDMAN CAT: CANDIED ONES DAMN IT

SEK: Have I lost my mind, am I still asleep, or are you saying you want actual insects made of actual candy?

OLDMAN CAT: WANT CANDY DAMN IT

ALL LINKS RESOLVE AT MY FACEBOOK PAGE OR OLDMEN CATS’

In light of today’s weak jobs report, a taco-based stimulus package

[ 156 ] September 2, 2016 |

foodtrucks

Trump’s “taco truck on every corner” spokesperson actually provided a sound economic reason to vote against him, in addition to the obvious gustatory one — namely, think of the job creation!

I don’t know how many “corners” there are in the United States, but let’s round it off to “A SHIT-TON.” Now, if you have one taco truck on each and every corner, and each truck employs three people — cook, cashier, barker — that’s A SHIT-TON TIMES THREE number of jobs a Trump defeat

Moreover, there’s the ancillary services that each of those trucks requires — construction, repairs, food suppliers, etc. — and assuming each of those tasks is carried out by at least one other person, that’s a SHIT-TON TIMES SIX jobs created.

I’m 100 percent behind this “taco truck on every corner” job stimulus package — so do your part on Election Day and vote against Trump and for delicious, lime-infused prosperity.

OLDMAN CAT NEED FOOD DONATE TO OLDMAN CAT

[ 22 ] September 1, 2016 |

oldmancatcold.fw

As I peek through my fingers at my bank account at month’s end, it occurs to me it might be time for another OLDMAN CAT fundraiser, because I am broke. As in, broker than broke, can’t afford to go to the laundromat broke, eating even cheaper Ramen noodles broke. It’s not their fault that they’re old and their food and medicine are expensive, but they are and it is.

So, if you have some spare change around and want to keep OLDMAN CAT spry, profane, and perpetually annoying, I have a Pay Pal account through which you can do so.

This isn’t a GoFundMe, but I thought I’d offer incentives anyway:

  • For $5, OLDMAN VIRGIL will annoy me
  • For $10, OLDMAN MUND will join in
  • For $50, I will record what happens when dinner is 3 minutes late
  • For $75, I will stop recording what happens when dinner is 3 minutes late
  • For $500, I will give the OLDMAN of your choice a bath
  • For $750, I will do so without wearing a full suit of armor
  • For $1,500, I will dress them in sweater vests and take pictures of them telling you to “FUCK OFF”
  • For $5,000, I will teach them an aria from favorite opera, which they will refuse to learn
  • For $10,000, they will crack the unsolved mathematical theorem of your choice, then refuse to share the answer

Thanks in advance for any and all donations, I really appreciate it.

One day, I’d love to be paid to stare at stuff and have opinions about it again

[ 14 ] August 26, 2016 |

Salon started a new “Look Again” feature, in which staff take another look at all the photographs that fly across the wires daily. I’m going to be a Friday contributor, and here’s my first go at it.

Well, some of it, at least. Y’all know me — I don’t know when to shut up. The complete blather I wrote to accompany my photograph is below the fold. (I’d include the photograph itself, but we don’t have that subscription and Farley would kill me if I got us sued by Reuters.)

Read more…

OLDMAN MUND IS SO [BLEEPING] BUFF

[ 7 ] August 24, 2016 |

OLDMAN MUND: I SO FUCKING BUFF I DO CROSSFOOT

SEK: You mean CrossFit?

OLDMAN MUND: CROSSFOOT MAKE ME SO FUCKING BUFF

SEK: You don’t do CrossFit — but you’re annoying as people who do, so there’s that.

OLDMAN MUND: FUCK YEAH I DO CROSSFOOT I DO IT RIGHT NOW

SEK: That’s not CrossFit — that’s you crossing your feet.

OLDMAN MUND: FUCK YEAH I CROSSFOOT

SEK: Why do you even —

OLDMAN MUND: I SO FUCKING BUFF

SEK: No, you’re old and feeble, so you cross your feet when you walk and —

OLDMAN MUND: CROSSFOOT MOTHERFUCKER SO FUCKING BUFF

SEK: I’m gonna let you have this.

OLDMAN MUND: LIKE YOU HAVE CHOICE I WILL CROSSFUCK YOU UP

SEK: That’s not even a —

OLDMAN MUND: YOU SHUT UP NOW I GO BE FUCKING BUFF OVER HERE

The complete OLDMAN CAT is available here. I’ll try to be better about cross-posting them, lest someone crossfuck me up.

Inspiration is inspiring and inspirational

[ 47 ] August 24, 2016 |

Since this is the Land of All Internet Traditions and it’s possible y’all need this as much as I do, here is your morning inspirational:

LEMONS

Now go out there and dominate All The Things, you beautiful fools.

If you haven’t watched the first full-length “Luke Cage” trailer…

[ 38 ] August 9, 2016 |

luke cage
stop what you’re doing and do so. See that hoodie he’s got on? It’s not a coincidence.

Also, expect more posts from me soon, as I adjust to my new role in the culture department and Internet curation business. And more OLDMAN CAT — because people tolerate me, but love my elderly kittens.

If you watch Mr. Robot, you’re about as empowered as this baby

[ 5 ] August 3, 2016 |

mr04

At least according to me.

Who wants to pick a fight with George Takei over the future of queerness in science fiction?

[ 137 ] July 13, 2016 |

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Apparently, the answer is “I do!” — with a very welcome assist from the inestimable Adam Roberts, who I compliment in the hope that one day he’ll stop killing me in his novels. (He’s already informed me I die again in his next.)

Anatomy of an iconic image — or, SEK’s doing visual rhetoric again

[ 55 ] July 11, 2016 |

usa-police-protests

My job description shifted a little in the past week — no more waking up at 3 a.m. and watching Fox News for eight hours — and so now I’ll be writing more like this.

I’d include the image I’m breaking down, but Erik used it below and it’d look a little odd to have it crop up twice in two hours on the front-page.

(EDITED: I stole it from Erik now. Actual credit goes to Jonathan Bachman/Reuters.)

THE MOFONGO INCIDENT

[ 13 ] July 8, 2016 |

OLDMAN VIRGIL: FINALLY YOU MAKE ME MY MOFONGO

SEK: I’m making me mofongo.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: I AM PUERTO RICAN GIVE ME MY MOFONGO

SEK: You’re from Mississippi, you’re not —

OLDMAN VIRGIL: PUT SHRIMP IN MY MOFONGO

SEK: Get out of the kitchen.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: PUT PIG IN MY MOFONGO

SEK: Knock it off.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: PUT MORE PIG IN MY MOFONGO

SEK: Do not hop on the counter.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: [hops on counter] I AM PUERTO RICAN GIVE ME MY MOFONGO

SEK: [tosses OLDMAN VIRGIL out of the kitchen]

OLDMAN VIRGIL: [from the library] I AM PUERTO RICAN GIVE ME MY MOFONGO

SEK: Shut up!

OLDMAN VIRGIL: I AM PUERTO RICAN GIVE ME MY MOFONGO

SEK: [hears crashing in the library]

OLDMAN VIRGIL: WHAT I DON’T KNOW BEATS ME I DIDN’T DO IT

SEK: I didn’t say anything. I think I preferred it when you couldn’t jump quite so

OLDMAN VIRGIL: TAKE THAT BACK YOU DON’T MEAN IT

SEK: You’re right, I’m sorry, that was awful of me to even —

OLDMAN VIRGIL: STOP YOUR WORDS APOLOGIZE WITH MY MOFONGO

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