Salon started a new “Look Again” feature, in which staff take another look at all the photographs that fly across the wires daily. I’m going to be a Friday contributor, and here’s my first go at it.
Well, some of it, at least. Y’all know me — I don’t know when to shut up. The complete blather I wrote to accompany my photograph is below the fold. (I’d include the photograph itself, but we don’t have that subscription and Farley would kill me if I got us sued by Reuters.)
OLDMAN MUND: I SO FUCKING BUFF I DO CROSSFOOT
SEK: You mean CrossFit?
OLDMAN MUND: CROSSFOOT MAKE ME SO FUCKING BUFF
SEK: You don’t do CrossFit — but you’re annoying as people who do, so there’s that.
OLDMAN MUND: FUCK YEAH I DO CROSSFOOT I DO IT RIGHT NOW
SEK: That’s not CrossFit — that’s you crossing your feet.
OLDMAN MUND: FUCK YEAH I CROSSFOOT
SEK: Why do you even —
OLDMAN MUND: I SO FUCKING BUFF
SEK: No, you’re old and feeble, so you cross your feet when you walk and —
OLDMAN MUND: CROSSFOOT MOTHERFUCKER SO FUCKING BUFF
SEK: I’m gonna let you have this.
OLDMAN MUND: LIKE YOU HAVE CHOICE I WILL CROSSFUCK YOU UP
SEK: That’s not even a —
OLDMAN MUND: YOU SHUT UP NOW I GO BE FUCKING BUFF OVER HERE
The complete OLDMAN CAT is available here. I’ll try to be better about cross-posting them, lest someone crossfuck me up.
Since this is the Land of All Internet Traditions and it’s possible y’all need this as much as I do, here is your morning inspirational:
Now go out there and dominate All The Things, you beautiful fools.
…stop what you’re doing and do so. See that hoodie he’s got on? It’s not a coincidence.
Also, expect more posts from me soon, as I adjust to my new role in the culture department and Internet curation business. And more OLDMAN CAT — because people tolerate me, but love my elderly kittens.
Apparently, the answer is “I do!” — with a very welcome assist from the inestimable Adam Roberts, who I compliment in the hope that one day he’ll stop killing me in his novels. (He’s already informed me I die again in his next.)
My job description shifted a little in the past week — no more waking up at 3 a.m. and watching Fox News for eight hours — and so now I’ll be writing more like this.
I’d include the image I’m breaking down, but Erik used it below and it’d look a little odd to have it crop up twice in two hours on the front-page.
(EDITED: I stole it from Erik now. Actual credit goes to Jonathan Bachman/Reuters.)
Please just stop. It’s abundantly clear where my sympathies rest on this issue, but everyone needs to stop scrutinizing low-quality cell-phone videos and determining, definitively-to-their-mind, whether Alton Sterling did or did not have a gun.
The problems are larger than this incident and whether he had a gun or was only thought to by the officers — the problems are systemic. If he turns out to have had a gun, conservatives will crow about “the convicted sex offender who resisted arrest while armed and got what he deserved,” and dismiss the need for any larger issue to be addressed.
And then we lose.
So stop playing Internet Detective with insufficient evidence and base your argument on the fact that because Sterling was SUSPECTED of having a gun, he was slammed to the ground, held down, and shot dead — whereas Dylann Roof, the Charleston church shooter, was KNOWN to have murdered multiple innocent parishioners and pulled over, escorted to Burger King in a bullet-proof vest, and is currently receiving the due process supposedly guaranteed to every American.
Happy birthday! Now act your fucking age and stop flirting with fascists.