“I enjoy the sexual interplay between the sexes” is something I, a human, like to say

Ah, god. This article at The Federalist is bonkers. I mean, yes, it’s bonkers because it tries to conflate things like awkward passes and mutual attraction with serial predation, but also it’s bonkers because it’s full of bizarre phrasing and a middle school understanding human sexuality. In other words, I love it so hard and I’m gonna hold it close to my heart for a long time, because it is so hilarious.

French laments this basic fact of life, saying men don’t need to give over to their natural impulses this way. Instead, they need to overcome them. “Sexual temptation is so powerful and omnipresent that no human society will ever be free of sexual scandal, but there are moral systems that — if applied — can mitigate original sin.”

Good advice, of course, and I have no problem with the basic points of French’s article, but I do take issue with the assumption that women are passive and innocent in this sexual interplay between the sexes. This might not have been his intention, since he was focusing on men, but we can’t let these conversations remain fixed only on men, as if they alone exploit. We can’t always assume women are hapless damsels in distress horrified by how they’re objectified.

Here’s a little secret we have to say out loud: Women love the sexual interplay they experience with men, and they relish men desiring their beauty. Why? Because it is part of their nature.

Women want to be desired by men, to attract them, to be the only woman in the world for that man. Their beauty is an essential part of their allure, especially when men and women first meet. They have little else to go on because they don’t know each other, and beauty serves as a guidepost to greater interest.

All women are alike, all desire the same things…and none of them are lesbians! Whoa, mind blown. But I don’t know–maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe enjoying being desired by men is really only a shade a two different from Harvey Weinstein masturbating into a plant in front of you. I mean, it sounds spectacularly gross and creepy to me, but perhaps he’s just enjoying the sexual interplay between himself potted plants and I should be more understanding.

Outside of a woman looking for a mate, her beauty is a source of power because men and other women value it. This is why married women still want to be beautiful. It’s an expression of their femininity, which doesn’t disappear at the altar.

We don’t need studies to bear this out, though we do have them. A recent Pew Research study says society values physical attractiveness in women the most. Nurturing and empathy are second. The top traits most valued in men are morality and professional success. In other words, men want women who are attractive and emotionally connective, and women want good men who are financially successful.

And, folks, this is why no people who are not movie star-attractive never marry. NOW YOU KNOW.

Feminists will say this is a social construct from the Victorian era that has yet to be cleansed from our society. I say this is human nature. So do history, religion, and millennia of myths, legends, and literature. Humanity’s stories are filled with the most competent man winning the most beautiful woman. Men are drawn to beauty like moths to a flame, and women want to be the flame.

Sounds like someone’s forgetting the timeless love story of Melania and Donald! I know the first thing that springs to mind people hear “Donald Trump” is “competence,” and not “fucking moron.” And I’ll grant you men would slay dragons for Melania’s dead-faced, squinty stare.

Speaking of breasts, you can’t pick up a magazine, turn on a website, or watch television without seeing boobs. They’re everywhere. From selfies to profile pics to advertisements—they’re on full display. Why do you think that is? It’s because a man is drawn to a woman’s feminine beauty, and a woman wants to lure him in with her most sexual traits.

My most sexual trait is my brain but when I post pictures of it I get ZERO response. At the most I’ll get an “OMG, why is there a huge hole in your head? Why can I see your brain?!! Holy shit, go to a hospital!” This article is bullshit.

Women, of course, aren’t always doing this consciously, and not all women focus on their beauty in the same way. Some don’t even think about it and are probably appalled by what I’m writing, but most do.

That awkward moment when you find out the whole premise of your article is bullshit so you gotta Goldberg your way out of it…

When men are being their sexual selves, drawn to a woman’s beauty, they’re not exploiting women. They’re responding to them. The women are the fire, drawing a man toward their feminine heat.

*throwing up sound*

This is true even for all those beautiful women who hook up with rich, powerful men—the “arm candy.” I was watching a Premier League soccer match the other day, and the camera focused on one of the rich owners and his wife. He was short, old, and terribly unattractive. She was a foot taller than him, with long blond hair and legs for miles. She was dressed in a fur, and diamonds graced her fingers. She didn’t look miserable at all. In fact, she looked like the cat who ate the canary. One has to ask, who here is actually exploiting whom?

Um, both of them are exploiting each other? And, uh, how does this relate to Matt Lauer having an evil boner button on his desk?

Please, gentlemen, when you are writing diatribes on the depravities of your own sex, don’t paint women as pure and innocent. They’re not. They can twist and distort their natural impulses and desires just as a man can—and they do.

Women have their natures and their sin.

How many women try to attract men in the office, media, entertainment industry, and politics to taste the power, to reap the rewards, whatever those might be? Are they really in a position to complain when a man responds? I don’t think so. The honest ones know exactly what they’re doing and accept the bumps that come from riding down that particular road.

This does not mean I am condoning violence toward women, criminal behavior, actual exploitation, sexual abuse, or workplace harassment.

But but but you literally just said you DO condone it in the paragraph above.

It would help if we assumed the best of each other instead of the worst. Let men love a woman’s beauty, and let a woman delight in a man’s competence and success.

That’s right folks: appreciate men for their good thinkin’ brains and like women for that sweet sweet ass. And don’t you ever MIX THOSE TWO THINGS UP; it is an abomination unto the lord.

But they are not the most important, and they can’t be acted on unchecked. We are not animals, ruled by appetites.

But but but…you literally just spent the entire article saying the opposite. This is sloppy even by Goldbergian standards. Jesus.