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The Earl of Hotdog

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Pictured: A sandwich
Pictured: A sandwich

Sandwich Recognition Disorder or SRD is a serious personality disorder recognized by the American Medical Association. Its symptoms include:

  • Inability to decipher between sandwiches and other foodstuffs
  • The desire to describe all foodstuffs as sandwiches
  • A tendency to describe food items like Spaghetti and Marinara as “deconstructed sandwiches.”
  • A libertine, anything-goes attitude toward sandwiches and other foodstuffs

To be clear, a sandwich is is a flat or flat-ish conveyance for meats, veggies, fruits, condiments, and cheeses. These items must be…sandwiched between two bready substances.

Things that are not sandwiches:

  • Pizza
  • Hot dogs
  • Pho
  • Spaghetti
  • Erotic doodles of America’s sweetheart, Jennifer Anniston, lovingly caressing a carousel horse
  • Marble obelisks
  • The delicious skin-plumping tears of white people

If you recognize the symptoms of SRD in you or someone you love, please get professional help immediately.

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  • rea

    Hot dogs–dubious sausages served on a bun–are at least quasi-Sandwiches

    • MPAVictoria

      Hot dogs are 100% a type of sandwich

      • njorl

        Take 2 hot dogs, slice them lengthwise, fry them, lay the 4 pieces on a piece of bread, add desired condiments, add another piece of bread.

        That’s a hot dog sandwich.
        Putting a hotdog on a bun is not.

        • efgoldman

          That’s a hot dog sandwich.
          Putting a hotdog on a bun is not.

          Schrodinger’s sausage!

      • kped

        Hot dogs are most certainly not a sandwich. Hell, if a hot dog is a sandwich, then is a lobster roll?

        Madness!

        • MPAVictoria

          Yes. Of course a lobster roll is a sandwich!

          • kped

            And you wonder why people are hostile to you here!

            Also, while we are talking hot dogs, if Chicago wants to continue giving me a hot dog boiled in dick water, it cannot tell me how to eat it. Grill it like a fucking real city, and then maybe I won’t roll my eyes when you tell me what condiments to use.

            • Rudolph Schnaubelt

              Step off and soak your head in ketchup.

          • searcher
        • Of course a lobster roll is a sandwich. It’s basically a tuna fish sandwich made with lobster.

          • MPAVictoria

            Exactly!

          • Pseudonym

            Isn’t a <whatever> <encasing bread product> basically a tuna fish sandwich made with <whatever>?

            • Downpuppy

              Now you’ve got Wilbur Weston rattling his chains in my basement, dammit.

              • Judas Peckerwood

                So that’s where he’s actually been. The official story was that he was off on some global disaster tourism thing, but I never bought the idea that he would travel for anything but sandwiches.

                • Downpuppy

                  That December night in Antarctica wasn’t real convincing, was it?
                  Oh, well.
                  I was tired of him, anyhow.

              • Isn’t he due to come back pretty soon and find out that his girlfriend was schtupping a co-ed?

              • Pseudonym

                I’m sure I’d be highly offended by this statement if I knew what it meant.

            • What I mean is that it’s a tuna fish sandwich with lobster replacing the tuna fish.

              Now I want a tuna fish sandwich.

        • Manny Kant

          What on earth are you talking about? Of course both hot dogs and lobster rolls are sandwiches. The idea that calling them sandwiches is on par with calling pizza, pho, and spaghetti sandwiches is outrageous.

          • marduk

            Often both items are served on stale or otherwise structurally unsound buns that, while eating, divide into two entirely separate pieces of bread. Often.

            The logic is inescapable. Sandwich.

            • N__B

              structurally unsound buns

              I could tell you how to fix that problem, but I bill at $300/hour.

              • Pseudonym

                Is this the part where I get to offer my services in evaluating the structural soundness of any females' buns?

              • tsam

                I just removed this beam from mine eye. Not going on my sandwich that’s gross

          • Now, spaghetti sandwiches are a whole nother question.

  • You want to know something that is total bullshit? Open-faced sandwiches. It’s not a sandwich if it’s not enclosed!

    • Dennis Orphen

      Free your sandwich and your condiments will follow.

    • janitor_of_lunacy

      It’s not a sandwich if it’s not enclosed!

      Except in Scandinavia.

      Also, I think that one can have a sandwich with one piece of bread as long as it is folded over.

      And my favorite snack around Passover time is the cognitive dissonance sandwich — ham and swiss on matzoh.

      • Dennis Orphen

        Except in Scandanavia is to objective reality what Christ what an asshole is to uncaptioned New Yorker cartoons, except in Scandanavia.

      • HenryW

        You don’t know how hard it can be to fold it over: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypcSHTLlK8E.

      • Lurker

        This is mainly because of the translation convention. The Swedish word is smörgås, with cognates in other Scandinavian languages. It is usually translated as “sandwich”. However, in the understanding of the Swedish language community, a smörgås is, at its most basic level, a piece of bread with butter on it. It may have other toppings also, but the bread and butter (or cheese or margarine) are the essential elements.

        So, the translation convention is not really accurate.

    • Justin Runia

      There’s a simple test: can you still pick up the food and convey it to your mouth without the use of utensils? If so, it’s still a sandwich, if not, it’s fugazi. Outside of this, there are various foods that are good foods, but bad sandwiches; the Double Down, Mission-style burritos, ridiculously large hamburgers, etc.

      • Dennis Orphen

        You’re a minor threat to the consensus on the definition of a sandwich.

        • Booger

          One would have to have Bad Brains to think such a thing.

          • John Revolta

            But there’s always room for Jello!

            • Are you thinking of bad-brains smeared with Jell-O™ and placed between two slices of bread, or of Jell-O™ spread on one slice of bad-brain and covered with a second?

            • Woodrowfan

              especially if you slip a knockout drug in it….

      • njorl

        By that definition, a small rock is a sandwich.

      • ringtail

        What an odd bit of synchronicity, re “fugazi”. I’d never even heard that word before today, saw it as an episode title then dialogue on Bosch, googled it and now see it here.

        • njorl

          Then you need to watch Donnie Brasco.

          • Jordan

            Or listen to Fugazi!

      • bender

        Pita felafel is not a sandwich.

        Burritos of any sort are wraps. A wrap is not a sandwich.

        • Woodrowfan

          but a manwhich is a meal!

          • N__B

            Long pork has always had its fans.

    • ASV

      Most open-faced sandwiches are total nonsense, but pizza is the exception.

      • nixnutz

        A pizza is more sandwich than a Croque Monsieur? I much prefer one that isn’t open-faced but they come both ways.

      • keta

        Chopped fresh prawns mixed with a little mayo and chopped green onion, lathered on a fresh bun and topped with old cheddar, under the broiler until the cheese is gooey.

        If that’s nonsense then I live in Llareggub.

        • Mona Williams

          But without the lather.

      • Pseudonym

        What, you prefer your sandwiches emotionally distant and detached?

        • tsam

          Do YOU LIKE TO GET ATTACHED TO THNGS BEFORE YOU EAT THEM YOU MONSTER?

    • Rudolph Schnaubelt

      My German relatives would disagree.

    • Michael Cain

      Rigorous definition of “enclosed”, please. Should be invariant under homeomorphic mappings.

      • N__B

        Rigorous definition of “enclosed”, please.

        Contained within a #10 envelope.

    • Donalbain

      Oh. So now you know better than Homer J Simpson? Screw you! Open faced club sandwich is definitely a sandwich!

  • MPAVictoria

    Oh Spencer, Spencer, Spencer… It is time you embraced radical freedom and accepted that the word “Sandwich” has a broad definition.
    – Hot dog? Sandwich
    -Taco? Sandwich
    -Ravioli? Sandwich
    -Pizza? Open faced sandwich
    – Lasagna? You better believe its a sandwich!

    Basically anything with a carb shell and some sort of topping or filling is a sandwich. And there is nothing you can do about it!

    • MPAVictoria

      Also I predict this is gonna go to AT LEAST 500 comments.

      • Dennis Orphen

        And as long as the first comment is a good one, and the last one is too, it doesn’t matter what comes in between them.

        • rea

          Lots of meaty comments between two white bread comments. . .

        • Pseudonym

          +🥪

          (or +🍔 for us mere mortals)

      • efgoldman

        I predict this is gonna go to AT LEAST 500 comments.

        Depends on how long it takes to start arguing about condiments.

        • Dennis Orphen

          I didn’t get the memo that we ever stopped. But we do, it must be initialed in blood catsup.

        • cleek

          mayo sucks

          • Banned!

            • SECONDED

            • Pseudonym
              • rea

                Mayonnaise was confined to a small island (Minorca, capital: Port Mahon–hence the name) until the French defeated a British fleet, captured the island, and unleashed this condiment upon the world. The British admiral responsible was executed by shooting, “pour encourager les autres”. No British admiral has been a party to such a culinary atrocity since.

                • keta

                  I see someone else is a fan of Patrick O’Brian, specifically The Miracle Whip of Consolation.

                • DaftPunk

                  Thank you.

                  It was always obvious where Dijonais came from, but I never new where Mayon was.

          • Malaclypse

            Mayo is not food.

            • kenjob
              • rea

                I have definitely heard of it being used as a field expedient, but I disclaim any personal knowledge of the matter.

            • Mona Williams

              Yes it is if you take some of the mayo out of the jar, put in pickle relish, mustard, ketchup, hot sauce, green onions and parsley, shake it up and pour it over fried vegan fish. Now that is food.

              • Pseudonym

                vegan fish

                No.

                Well, do you mean the fish are vegan or the fish are vegans?

                • Mona Williams

                  I mean it’s made of something you never even heard of, but it tastes pretty good if you fry it. And there is no fish involved.

          • janitor_of_lunacy

            Mayo in a jar sucks. Homemade mayo, made with real eggs, a mix of olive and neutral oil, a dollop of Dijon mustard, some finely chopped garlic, and a few drops of a good vinegar, is divine. And a good reason to make potato salad.

      • Malaclypse

        I think my two original twitter posts are over a hundred between them

      • Warren Terra

        To steal Xargs!’s joke from one of the Twitter threads, this has the potential to become the single greatest ‘wich hunt in American history.

    • Adding to your list of sandwiches:

      – burritos
      – quesadillas
      – gyros
      – eggs benedict

      • MPAVictoria

        Agreed!

      • djw

        1/4, I’ll give you gyros

        • MPAVictoria

          How can a gyros be a sandwich and not a burrito?

          • tsam

            If your other definitions are applied here, both are sandwiches. All gyros are sandwiches, but not all sandwiches are gyros.

            • Exactly! It’s not complicated. Sandwich is a phylum of victual, not a species.

      • Mona Williams

        Have we forgotten sandwich cookies?

    • SatanicPanic

      A taco is not a sandwich. There’s a Mexican sandwich it’s called a torta. Sheesh.

      EDIT- this place is crazier than the GOS

      • tsam

        Right! Can you believe these plebs?

        • SatanicPanic

          I don’t know what is true anymore.

      • MPAVictoria

        It is a carb with some sort of filling. Hence a sandwich.

        • BobOso

          Don’t even start me on Wraps!

        • SatanicPanic

          *backs away slowly*

        • Juicy_Joel

          So fried chicken is a sandwich then?

          • MPAVictoria

            100% yes.

          • tsam

            My answer is your avatar

          • wca

            So fried chicken is a sandwich then?

            What if fried chicken is the bread?

        • Mona Williams

          My grandmother used to make us banana and mayonnaise sandwiches. Is that relevant?

      • CaptainBringdown

        Cemitas are also sammiches, tambien.

      • rea

        A taco is not a sandwich. There’s a Mexican sandwich it’s called a torta.

        But tacos are on tortillas, and “tortilla” means “little torta”.

        • So what about a sope?

          • rea

            A sopaipa?

          • rea

            Oh, New Mexican boy that I am, I’m more familiar with sopaipas and sopaipillas than I am with the more southen sopes

    • Nobdy

      The carb and filling combo predates bread and filling (the platonic form of sandwich) and a place called Sandwich let alone that place’s card-loving Earl.

      Before there was a word sandwich or a Platonic sandwich were these things still “deconstruct3f” sandwiches? If so, how. If not, how did “not a sandwich” become a deconstructed sandwich?

      • njorl

        I agree.
        Any carbohydrate wrapped food existing prior to the Earl of Sandwich can not be a sandwich, otherwise his patent would be nullified, and the use of the word would be invalidated. All of these things MAVictoria wants to call sandwiches should be called dumplings instead – because Chinese dumpling houses were the first authenicated mass use of carbohydrate wrapped foods.

        • because Chinese dumpling houses were the first authenicated mass use of carbohydrate wrapped foods.

          Mammoth-meat pelmenyi!!!

    • Justin Runia

      Ravioli isn’t a sandwich, as it requires cooking and fails the hand-functionality test. Likewise, lasagna is a casserole.

      • MPAVictoria

        A grilled cheese is a sandwich and it requires cooking. And you can eat Ravioli with your hands if you want to!

        • Dennis Orphen

          Shutdown!!!

        • Justin Runia

          An un-grilled grilled-cheese sandwich is still edible, if pointless. An uncooked ravioli is garbage. I’m not even going to touch the image of you shoveling pasta into your mouth with your hands, like a goddamned ape.

          • Dennis Orphen

            Apes don’t eat pasta.

            Yes they do Otto. They just don’t use utensils.

        • Jim in Baltimore

          Not if you want to play at cards at the same time.

        • A grilled cheese sandwich is a grilled (cheese sandwich), not a (grilled cheese) sandwich, as Alton Brown has bemoaned. It’s a sandwich before it’s cooked, thus cooking is not necessary to make it a sandwich.

          • It’s a sandwich before it’s cooked

            Ah, but is it still a sandwich after it’s cooked?

            • IS

              Yes, see freaking reubens.

      • Randy

        A hot turkey sandwich is comprised of cooked ingredients, and it fails the hand-functionality test.

    • CornFed

      The one requirement for “sandwich” that clears up all the controversy, and yet is always forgotten, is the ability to be eaten out of hand. Hence, hot dog – yes, taco – yes, ravioli – fried only, pizza – folded only, lasagna – no unless you’re a toddler.

      • wjts

        The Francesinha cannot be eaten by hand, but I suspect most people who favor a narrow construction of the sandwich taxon would consider it a sandwich.

        • Jim in Baltimore

          That is not a sandwich. I think it may be an especially thick stew.

          • Justin Runia

            Yeah, that started out as a sandwich, like a hamburger starts out as a ground beef steak, but then you dump a bunch of gravy on top of it, and it stops being a sandwich.

            CASE CLOSED.

      • rea

        The Sand Witch–Title for new Vacuumslayer art piece?

    • Manny Kant

      Jesus, people. Everyone’s a fucking extremist here. On the one hand, ridiculous “hot dogs and lobster rolls are not sandwiches” people, and then on the other hand, ridiculous “if you can imagine it, it is a sandwich” people. This isn’t actually hard.

  • Dennis Orphen

    Lunchmeataphobia: The fear of being eaten by a sandwich.

    Think. It ain’t illegal yet.

  • Malaclypse

    As I correctly noted in the original link, if Ibn Rushd taught us nothing else, it is that the outward form of, say, pizza is a mere accident that does not detract from the essence of its sandwichness. Both you and my beloved are in the wrong here.

  • Free your mind! Everything is a sandwich.

    • efgoldman

      Everything is a sandwich.

      Which should be a Shrewsbury, after the Earl of.

    • tsam

      Take the red pill.

    • Malaclypse

      I am a sandwich. Thou art a sandwich. All that groks, groks sandwiches.

    • addicted44

      Is Trump a sandwich? Because that would explain a lot.

      • Pseudonym

        No. There actually has to be something between the two slices of bread, sides of the skull, etc.

      • He’s a sh*t sandwich and we all have to take a bite unfortunately.

    • wca

      If everything is a sandwich, then nothing is.

    • My sandwich koan, “everything is a sandwich,” is the result of an epiphany from a couple of years ago. Quite on his own, having no prejudices clouding his mind, and without any prompting, my 2-1/2 year old started asking for a “burrito sandwich,” a “hot dog sandwich,” and a “cheeseburger sandwich.” The scales fell from my eyes: HE IS RIGHT. Who was I to argue?

      Having a broad definition of a sandwich also allows you to easily answer the age-old, essential question: “if you could have only one food the rest of your life, what would it be?”

      A SANDWICH, PEOPLE!

      • Pseudonym

        I humbly submit that in general, with certain notable exceptions, perhaps if one can make an [x] sandwich and one’s innocent child is requesting such then [x] alone is not a sandwich.

  • Hamburgers are not sandwiches. Patty melts are. Calzones are not. Neither are wraps (too bad for you, Bobby Valentine). For some reason sausage and peppers on a torpedo roll is a sandwich, but a bratwurst on the exact same roll is not.

    Also not sandwich: Cornish pasty.

    • tsam

      Hamburgers are not sandwiches

      How are they not a sandwich?

      • Juicy_Joel

        Hamburgers are absolutely a sandwich.

        • rea

          Was Georg Philipp Telemann, noted Hamburger, a sandwich?

      • Justin Runia

        There is a school of thought, known as Burger Supremacy, that holds the hamburger separate from its sandwich cousins, mainly on specious basis like the fact that many restaurants have separate sections for hamburgers in their menus. The pernicious preciousness of Burger Supremacists can be quickly refuted using the Chicken Sandwich corollary.

        • BobOso

          Can we at least agree that sandwiches and hamburgers had a common ancestor many millennia ago?

          • efgoldman

            Can we at least agree that sandwiches and hamburgers had a common ancestor many millennia ago?

            Brontosaurus burgers?

          • tsam

            THEN WHY ARE THE OLD TYPE SANDWICHES STILL AROUND?

    • Aaron Morrow

      Traditionally, Italian sausages make sandwiches, while German sausages do not. Hot dogs, also known as franks or frankfurters, are a type of German sausage.

      Clearly a commission must be formed to tackle this issue.

      • tsam

        Get Rosenstein on the line! These sandwich deniers are going to jail.

      • DrS

        The history is pretty clear. They outlawed sandwiches in Germany in the late 19th century.

      • Manny Kant

        “German sausages do not [make sandwiches]” in the sense that in Germany you get a sausage and a piece of bread and some mustard all separate and kind of eat it however you like. If you put that German sausage in a bun it is absolutely a sandwich.

        • Aaron Morrow

          Down with the traditionalist anti-German bias! It’s heritage AND hate! You’ve got my vote.

    • You’ll take my char-grilled hamburger sandwich with french fried potatoes garnish from my cold, dead hands.

    • Bloix

      “Hamburger” is ground beef. “A hamburger” is a ground beef patty. The dish is a “hamburger sandwich.” Dropping the “sandwich” is a modern innovation. Do an ngram and you’ll see what I mean.

    • Pseudonym

      If the Cornish pasty only sticks to the stripper’s nipples for a brief period of time then I am reluctantly compelled to consider it a sandwich.

    • Manny Kant

      Hamburgers are not sandwiches?!

  • rea

    There are some islands (Kenyan territory) called Sandwiches

    • kped

      I hope they are the first to sink during the great global warming floods. This is madness!

      Next you’ll say people are sandwiches (i guess in certain types of 3 or more people sex acts they can be…)

      • Indeed, the French purportedly have (or had) the phrase en sandwich à la Colette because of her (purported) enthusiasm for one such (MFM) sex act.

        On the other hand, Edna St. Vincent Millay’s First Fig, viz.,

        My candle burns at both ends;
        It will not last the night;
        But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
        It gives a lovely light!

        although it (purportedly) refers to a different (MFM) sex-act (one instance of which James Atlas has recounted) much favored by Ms. Millay, I have never heard nor read that that act (or its obvious differently gendered variants) called a sandwich.

    • Bloix

      The Sandwich Islands are Hawaii.

      • rea

        Yes, which our president has told us, are Kenyan territory.

  • DrS

    Pizza, especially as practiced in NY where a slice is typically folded, is absolutely a sandwich.

    You’d know this if you weren’t such a coastal elitist.

    • Peterr

      Pizza, if you can fold it, it isn’t truly a pizza. Just ask anyone from Chicago.

      • DrS

        Don’t get me started on those perverts and their pizza influenced casserole.

        • Peterr

          Don’t get Chicagoans started on those cardboard-worshiping idiots on the east coast.

          • DrS

            At least it’s not that St. Louis trash.

            If you put two ‘hunks’* of Chicago style pizza face to face, now that my friends is a sandwich.

            * I think that’s what they’re called. They ain’t slices.

            • John Revolta

              It’s a piece. A piece a pizza. Whaddelse?

              • janitor_of_lunacy

                For me, I don’t care if it is deep dish, thin crust, thick crust or whatever. I just want my damn pizza to have a crust that is tasty with a good texture and not floppy and soggy. Fortunately for my waistline, this is something which is impossible to find in my county, so I am safe from the temptation of this non-sandwich comestible.

          • Q.E.Dumbass

            I’m personally the partisan of the ultra-flaccid flapjack East Coast variant, neither the fucking cardboard variant nor the glorified pseudo-Southern(?) cracker. And I’m personally fine with either the flaccid flapjack or the perfect-for-drowning-a-baby-in Chicagonese cassarole.

          • Manny Kant

            Look, no reasonable person has a problem if you enjoy your pizza-like casserole and think it is better than actual pizza. But the false equivalency here, where “New York” and “Chicago” just have irreconcilable ideas about what pizza is that cannot be resolved is ridiculous. “New York” pizza is actually “pizza everywhere except Chicago”.

            • SIS1

              Yes – simplest test – is your dough leavened and does it rise, or is it a pie crust – if the later, its not real pizza.

        • John Revolta

          I WILL FIGHT YOU

          • DrS

            BRING IT, FLYOVER

            • John Revolta

              Well ya doesn’t have ta get all personal.

      • nixnutz

        I’ve only had Pizzeria Uno, are they like Domino’s-level bad compared to the real thing?

        • John Revolta

          Not quite Domino’s. Let’s say Pizza Hut level.

          I mean, I grew up eating the stuff in Chicago but naturally when they went national things went downhill fast. If you get one at the original location they might still be good (I moved away years ago). I believe the oven itself was an ingredient- you could tell the difference between an Uno’s and a Due’s pie although they were the same management and just a block apart.

          • nixnutz

            I will say I liked Uno’s a lot when I first tried it and eventually got sick of it. Look forward to trying a better version someday.

            • John Revolta

              Well, there’s Lou Malnati’s, who’s the son of the guy who allegedly invented the Uno’s-style pie. Gino’s East is also good. Lately though whenever I’m back in Chi. I usually go to the Home Run Inn which has pizza that’s not as thick as these others but thicker than the NY style stuff. In other words, more like your standard Chicago pizza only top of the line.

      • Pseudonym

        I tried a slice of Chicago-style pizza once, and I’m still vainly attempting to lose those extra pounds.

    • Justin Runia

      Pizza, first and foremost, is a bread. You could make a sandwich from pizza, but the fact that pizza itself requires cooking disqualifies it from being a sandwich.

      • Manny Kant

        Pizza is not a sandwich, agreed. There’s a lot of insanity on both sides in this discussion. Only my calm, sensible middle position is correct.

        • Linnaeus

          If I say 2+2=4, and you say 2+2=6, then surely an Englishman will deduce that 2+2=5.

    • Mona Williams

      Joan Rivers said folded pizza has only half the calories. The body doesn’t know.

  • Warren Terra

    This has to do with an extended series of debates on Twitter, in which VS is a sandwich purist, MPAVictoria is a sandwich vandal anarchist (insisting that anything involving carbs and a topping is a sandwich), and other people some of whom you might recognize from the comments here have adopted various positions inbetween.

    My favorite contribution (of my own) so far was, when the Great Sandwich Wars were mentioned (originally having to do with a rather depressing inter-blog contretemps 15 years ago), to suggest that a future history will report that the Sandwich Wars started when an assertion that Poutine is a Sandwich caused Quebec to unleash the Canadian Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve.

    (yes, there really is a Canadian Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve, and it is in Quebec).

    • efgoldman

      there really is a Canadian Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve, and it is in Quebec

      Did they ever find the part that was stolen, and who did it?

    • dmsilev

      I assume the unleashing of the CSMSR would look similar to Boston’s Great Molasses Flood?

      Sticky.

    • The Dark God of Time

      The Chinese government keeps a strategic pork reserve.

      • John Revolta

        Why…………………don’t you?

      • efgoldman

        The Chinese government keeps a strategic pork reserve

        We call it “the freezer.”.

    • Pseudonym

      And once the CSMSR flowed between two pancakes, it constituted a sandwich.

    • Mona Williams

      If you’re going to talk about poutine I’m going to stop reading.

  • Nobdy

    What about the feeling of melancholy you get on a truly beautiful day watching an azure sea and the little white boats bobbing in it like the reflections of puffy white clouds in the sky above, and you realize that all this is temporary, that you will die, that everyone you love and everyone they love will die, that the seas will become polluted and brown, thick with sludge and empty of fish, and then eventually boil off when the sun expands and everything you know will be unrecognizable. The things we hold dear are just grains of sand slipping through our hands onto an endless beach and then the beach will be first flooded and then scorched with flame and it will not matter that we ever lived. Then you put that out of your mind and go back to enjoying the gorgeous day.

    Is that a sandwich?

    The beautiful day is the bread. The melancholy is the meat. The existential dread is the condiment.

    I feel like it is at least sandwich adjacent.

    • efgoldman

      The existential dread is the condiment.

      Sandwiches can be and are a lot of things, but existential isn’t one of them.

      • tsam

        Are you suggesting that sandwich doesn’t ponder it’s mortality when you stab the toothpick through it?

        • efgoldman

          that sandwich doesn’t ponder it’s mortality when you stab the toothpick through it?

          If I do that, I inevitably poke myself in the eye with said toothpick.

          • tsam

            TRICKED BY THE SANDWICH AGAIN!

        • All Sisyphus’ silent joy is contained therein. His sandwich belongs to him. His sandwich is a thing.

    • Dennis Orphen

      There was one moment I remember when I felt like that. It was in August of 1995 and I was looking at the full moon over the raised garden beds, Italian plum and Asian pear trees in my backyard on Lake Whatcom. The house was empty, my car was packed up, and I was moving back to Seattle with no idea whatsoever what I was going to do, and no place stay except a friend’s (who was away for months captaining a boat to Hawaii) custom van, parked in Kirkland. I was also pushing 30, and this was back before 50 was the new 30. A month later I got a phone call from an old college friend, who was living in Portland, telling me he had just gotten divorced, was renting a big house in NE, had a lot of empty bedrooms, and I should move in with him. 24 hours later, I was there, stayed in Portland 20 years, and saw it become Seattle times xthousand (which I knew was going to happen from the get-go).

      I still get those feelings on the very rare occasion, but I don’t sweat them anymore.

      • Nobdy

        That you for describing that sandwich.

        • Dennis Orphen

          Really? No ‘cool story bro’? Thanks for making me remember that moonlight night two or three relative lifetimes ago. Not that I have ever forgotten, but still…..

          And as far as this Russpublican Trumped Down BS goes:

          First I was afraid

          I was petrified……..

      • Pseudonym

        Ugh. Cool story bro and all, but when it comes to sandwich condiments, sweat trails even mayonnaise (albeit only slightly).

    • Mona Williams

      That did bring tears to my eyes.

  • dmsilev

    Does a pizza become a sandwich if you fold the slice before eating it?

    • Juicy_Joel

      No. If you put the pizza between two slices of bread, yes.

      • Manny Kant

        What about the “South Street Taco”, known outside Philly, apparently, as the “Philly Taco” – a slice of cheese pizza from Lorenzo’s wrapped around a cheese steak from Jim’s?

    • Warren Terra

      We covered exactly this ground on Twitter last week; my take was:

      If can turn it into a sandwich with one whack of a knife – thus removing the fold – it was a sandwich the whole time. Possibly in disguise.

      • John Revolta

        “Don’t cut it! If you cut ’em they lose all their flavor!”

        -Lucy van Pelt

      • Pseudonym

        How big of a knife and who does the whacking?

  • tsam

    Well, is a calzone a sandwich then?

    • Malaclypse

      Obviously.

  • Peterr

    A sandwich has to at least entertain the possibility that you can pick it up and eat it. Sure, things may fall out (especially with certain ingredients or quantities), but the whole point of a sandwich is that you pick it up and eat it.

    Sorry, Mal, but Chicken Pot Pie is not a sandwich. It may be delicious. It may be fantastic. It may be absolutely wonderful. But that doesn’t make it a sandwich.

    I am not a doctor, but I would suggest that anyone who believes they may have SRD go down to a deli every day for a month and watch the creators of sandwiches at work. Each day, spend 30 minutes just watching. Take note of the various breads – white, wheat, rye, sourdough, etc. Take note of the various spreads – mayo, of course, or hundreds of variations on mustard. Consider the various meats available. Ponder the possible cheeses. Meditate on the pros and cons of different meat/cheese combinations. Think about the different veggies available – tomatoes, pickles, sauerkraut, lettuce, peppers, . . . Then, after 30 minutes of watching the masters at work behind the counter and the satisfied people who receive their hand-made masterpieces over the counter, advance to the counter yourself and order a sandwich of your own — a different one each day.

    It could be a Jewish deli in NY. It could be a deli at a suburban grocery store. It could be a hole-in-the-wall college town sandwich shop. It could be an artisanal vegan sandwich emporium powered by solar energy in northern California. It could be a carnivore’s delight of a BBQ joint in Kansas City. It could be a Cuban deli in south Florida. Take your pick — just find one in your neighborhood and spend a month immersing yourself in what true Sandwichhood is all about.

    Save the pot pie for dinner.

    • dogboy

      Or maybe go to London and test the limits of the form.

    • The Temporary Name

      A sandwich has to at least entertain the possibility that you can pick it up and eat it.

      Only a monster eats a sentient sandwich.

      • Justin Runia

        mayor_mccheese.gif

  • I’m going to need to see at least four or five of item 5 on the bullet point list just so I can make my own determination.

  • McAllen

    – A sandwich is anything enclosed by two pieces of bread.
    – Since the Earth is a sphere, for any object on Earth you can draw a line between two pieces of bread that intersects it.

    Therefore:

    – Everything on Earth is a sandwich

  • Stag Party Palin

    I dated a sand witch once. She sang me an old blues tune, “I want a hot dog for my roll.”

  • tsam

    SINCE FUCKING WHEN IS PHO NOT A SAMMICH?

    • MPAVictoria

      Pho is a deconstruced sandwich!

      • DrS

        It’s kinda like a french dip where you just soak everything in the au jus.

      • tsam

        Unreconstructed sandwich. Once it gets over it’s prejudice toward bread, all will be well.

    • dmsilev

      Only when it’s served in a bread baguette bowl.

  • DrS

    So, we’re all just waiting around for the 6 PM ET news dump, correct?

    I feel like a rat who has learned to push the cocaine lever.

    • Dennis Orphen

      It’s Trumpthirty somewhere.

    • Right?

  • tonycpsu
    • Further on the chart.

      And is The Chickle a sandwich?

      • Justin Runia

        *books ticket to Fresno

    • NonyNony

      I was just scanning the comments to see if anyone had posted this yet. I’m fascinated by the Sandwich Debate, but I’m much more interested in classifying people than defining what a sammich is.

      (I am a radical sammich anarchist, myself. If you want to call a pop tart a sandwich knock yourself out. I had never thought to consider pizza as an open-faced sandwich before, but bspencer’s post has opened my eyes to more sammich anarchy!)

      • MPAVictoria

        A pop tart HAS to be a sandwich. What else could it be?

        • Jim in Baltimore

          Roofing material?

        • tonycpsu

          Some people make the “not fully enclosed” argument — that the stuff inside has to be visible. Anything like a Pop Tart where the bread completely encloses the contents is more like a dumpling than a sandwich.

          And then I ask them what peanut butter between two Pop Tarts is, and their HEAD A SPLODE.

          • Peanut butter between two pop tarts is a sandwich, of course.

            • Pseudonym

              Peanut butter between two pop tarts is a sandsandsandwichwich.

            • NonyNony

              Peanut butter between two pop tarts is one of the many options on the “Type-2 diabetes breakfast sandwich” menu.

        • It’s a pastry.

        • NonyNony

          I consider it a terrible calzone.

          Of course, a calzone is a sandwich.

          Therefore by the transitive property of sandwichness….

      • Goddammit.

        • NonyNony

          I’ll think of you every time I order an open faced pepperoni sandwich on flatbread at my local pizza joint :)

    • heckblazer

      For no good reason, I am compelled to add the Burger Alignment Chart.

  • Without getting into the thorny issue of what is or is not a sandwich, allow me to present this thought experiment/personality test/zen koan to which some friends of mine like to subject unsuspecting strangers. Say that you prepare a sandwich (for the purposes of this argument, two slices of bread with a filling between them). Then you slice that sandwich in half, either lengthwise or diagonally, as you prefer. Do you now have one sandwich, or two?

    • DrS

      You have two half sandwiches.

      • bender

        If you cut off the crusts and then cut each half in half, you have four tea sandwiches.

    • tsam

      Both. If they go to separate destinations, each is considered one sandwich, though someone has ruined your life by bringing you a sandwich that is missing half. If you present the sandwich on one plate, like any decent American would do because you’re not a commie, you still have one sandwich, halved.

      Is this a Schrodinger/Einstein type thought experiment? Because I hate those.

    • MPAVictoria

      I am stealing this question for my nightly twitter poll. #CowboysQuestions runs every night with a new poll for all who are interested.

    • sibusisodan

      Wait. Are we adopting the axiom of choice, or not?

      • I believe (without bothering to check the details) that the modest amount of topology and analysis used to prove the Ham Sandwich theorem for compact sandwiches can be developed without Choice. The more general theorem, for measurable sandwiches, probably gets entangled with choice, as so much measure theory does.

        • Pseudonym

          That’s fine and all if you don’t mind hairy balls in your sandwich.

    • cleek

      true sandwiches are capable of mitosis, in which a single sandwich may divide into two pieces which are functional clones of the parent sandwich.

    • Pseudonym

      Depends on how many hands you use to pick it/them up.

    • N__B

      Then you slice that sandwich in half, either lengthwise or diagonally, as you prefer.

      If I slice the sandwich in-plane, twice, I have two pieces of bread and a sandwich, even though I made the sandwich by using two pieces of bread. I have created matter from nothing! I AM LIKE A GOD!

      • Only you would have come up with that answer, and I say that as the highest compliment.

        • Pseudonym

          I’d think of all the people here you’d be the expert at slicing sandwiches in-plane.

      • Linnaeus

        Sandwiches are conserved. They can neither be created nor destroyed.

        • rea

          They can, however, be eaten.

      • tsam

        Conservation of matter = FAKE NEWS

  • This is an excellent post. The best post. And I fully endorse it.

    • MPAVictoria

      Barry….

  • jeffreyw

    A hotdog is, absolutely, a sandwich. A hotdog with ketchup is an Abominable Sandwich, aka a Yetchy.

  • wjts

    The problem here – which no one is discussing – is that the definition of “sandwich” most people use in this debate is either paraphyletic (for the “hamburgers are not sandwiches” crowd) or polyphyletic (for the “everything is a sandwich” crowd). So arguing about what “really” constitutes the taxon is almost certainly pointless from the get-go.

    • Wow, I thought I was going to be the only person to make a reference to cladistics in this thread. You beat me to it.

      • wjts

        It was the seemingly autapomorphic nature of the hamburger that got me thinking about it.

        • For a while I thought that the answer to the hamburger-hotdog exclusion was that both of them primarily feature a single piece of hot, cooked meat, but then I realized that also is true of fish sandwiches and chicken sandwiches.

          • wjts

            The hot dog can, I think, be excluded on the basis of the highly-derived bread. My initial thoughts on the burger was that cooking the meat separately and specifically immediately before placing it in the bread would exclude it, but that trait is arguably synapomorphic with both fried fish and chicken sandwiches (unless it’s homoplastic). Perhaps the ground nature of the filling is autapomorphic for burgers?

            • nixnutz

              When I used to eat hot dogs I never bought buns, my preferred preparation was to butter and grill one side of a piece of white bread and wrap that around the hot dog, approximating the New England-style hot dog bun. Would that then be a sandwich? I consider a hot dog a sandwich in the traditional American version but when you get into German giant-wurst-tiny-roll situations it gets tenuous fast.

            • A burger’s primary ingredient is one or more patties of minced or ground protein, optionally mixed with other ingredients, homogeneous in texture. That gets you normal hamburgers, turkey burgers, buffalo burgers, and veggie burgers. You also probably have to figure out some way to include the bun in that analysis or else the Sausage McMuffin is a hamburger.

      • kenjob

        Embracing the paraphyly feels dirty anti-Hennigian.

        • wjts

          Reread Phylogenetic Systematics, say 20 “Hail Willis”, and go and sin no more, my child.

    • Pointless yet hilarious and fun!

    • So arguing about what “really” constitutes the taxon is almost certainly pointless from the get-go.

      The various commentators have certainly not avoided a taxon each other.

    • Pseudonym

      It’s peanut butter and jelly, not peanut butter and almond butter carob!

    • paul1970

      whereas a prophylactic sandwich is a piece of meat encased by rubber.

  • Justin Runia

    On the one hand, it is distressing to see so much sandwich ignorance on display, doubly so that my insecurity prevents me from walking away from all these arguments without setting the record straight. On the other hand, this may be my true purpose in life, setting the record straight as a sandwich evangelist.

    So let’s get it out there; a sandwich is created when you use a food to grip another food in order to eat it without utensils. At some point, the starchy foods like bread and tortillas that accompanied our meals as eating implements subsumed the meals, becoming a food in of themselves.
    Therefore, the gripping food in a sandwich must be a finished foodstuff–pies, topped breads (including pizza), dumplings and stuffed pastas fail this test because they must be cooked in order to consumed. Geometry isn’t important, consistency of the gripping food isn’t important, outside of the fact that it must be edible by itself–lettuce wraps and Double Downs are sandwiches, despite not having any starch. That said, there are many bad sandwiches, sandwiches that fail their basic purpose of conveying food to your mouth, like the aforementioned Double Down, the Mission-style burritos of Chipotle, or meatball subs that have either too much sauce, or meatballs that are too big.

    • DetroitRex

      a sandwich is created when you use a food to grip another food in order to eat it without utensils

      I was all set to wholeheartedly endorse this definition as, well, definitive, but then I had a terrible thought:

      when I use my corn chip to facilitate salsa intake, have I made a sandwich?

      • Bloix

        A knish is not a sandwich.

      • Pseudonym

        I was going to endorse this definition too, but then I wondered what if I fried my cat along with his chicken-based cat food?

        I think I win when it comes to terrible.

      • Justin Runia

        No, you have not. The key difference is in the dip vs. the grip.

        I feel like I should start some sort of e-learning grift, or at least set up a class in the Learning Annex.

    • djw

      a sandwich is created when you use a food to grip another food in order to eat it without utensils.

      This seems just as made as the postmodernists and the purists above. That would make every damn thing on my veggie combo at the Ethiopian place a sandwich? or is each and every bite–each scoop of lentils with a small piece of torn off injera–a sandwich unto itself?

    • N__B

      a sandwich is created when you use a food to grip another food in order to eat it without utensils.

      Now I want to make a rock-candy flask for my rum.

    • PohranicniStraze

      So let’s get it out there; a sandwich is created when you use a food to grip another food in order to eat it without utensils.

      So, when I eat egg rolls in the Vietnamese style (which is to say, wrapped in lettuce to facilitate gripping the roll without burning the fingers), have I created a sandwich?

      • Justin Runia

        Basically. But the key turn here is when the food-consumption accessory becomes an essential part of the bite; a pollo asado plate served with some tortillas isn’t necessarily a sandwich, as you can eat the chicken without use of the tortilla, but becomes a sandwich when offered as chicken tacos.

  • To be clear, a sandwich is is a flat or flat-ish conveyance for meats, veggies, fruits, condiments, and cheeses that must be…sandwiched between two breadlike foodstuffs.

    By this measure, a hoagie isn’t a sandwich, nor is a lobster roll, nor is an italian beef sandwich, nor many french dips. There are businesses called “sandwich shops” which sell no products that match your definition here. This is an extremely radical position.

    Trying to find an a priori definition of a sandwich is a fool’s errand. Sandwiches are a paraphyletic clade. The only reliable definition of a sandwich is “a foodstuff that a statistical majority of English speakers accept as a sandwich.”

    • njorl

      There are businesses called “sandwich shops” which sell no products that match your definition here.

      There’s nothing wrong with that. Think of it as a car dealer who only sells SUVs.

      • Yes, and SUVs are cars.

        • Warren Terra

          SUVs, as I’m sure you’re aware, are classified as Light Trucks.

          • Light trucks are cars, too. If someone could say “can I borrow your car” or “I need a place to park my car” or “bring your car around to the side” about the vehicle, it’s a car.

            • Pseudonym

              I think “would you like to deduct it as a business expense for a light truck or pay the taxes you owe for it as the personal car you’re using it as, shitbag” is the relevant question here.

              • Warren Terra

                That may be a factor. Originally it was a fuel efficiency and/or emissions thing: cars had to (and I think still must) meet more stringent standards than trucks, so rather than make more efficient cars automakers chose to sell more “trucks”. This was later (at least in part) addressed by imposing fleetwide standards on the automakers’ production. So, the “trucks” could still be inefficient, but only if the automakers sold enough cars that were even more efficient than they had to be. The result was a lot of cheap and nasty small cars sold at no profit in order to maintain the legality of making a lot of profit on wasteful road-hogging SUVs.

    • wjts

      The other acceptable definition (which I am sympathetic to, but it does have problems) is a hypothetical monophyletic culinary group demonstrably derived from from 18th-century British practice of putting meat between two slices of bread.

      • I actually think that’s the strongest argument against the hot dog as a sandwich — sausage in a bun is older than that lineage and comes from elsewhere in the world — but it’s hard to argue that a hamburger isn’t a sandwich by that definition, and most anti-hotdoggers are also anti-hamburglars.

        • Q.E.Dumbass

          White Castle burgers definitely aren’t sandwiches, but only because they barely qualify as “food” in the first place. (To be clear, i’m in the “burgers are sandwiches” camp).

    • Malaclypse

      Trying to find an a priori definition of a sandwich is a fool’s errand.

      Wittgenstein has already been dealt with and dismissed in the first twitter thread.

      • petesh

        As I understand it, Wittgenstein would not have been particularly interested in a sandwich whose filling included Jennifer Aniston, but Bertie Russell might have had more inclusive tastes.

    • That’s why I said “flat-ish.” I definitely consider heroes and hoagies sammiches.

      • I don’t see that those sandwiches are any flatter than a hot dog, unless you’re talking about the literal shape of the filling.

    • Downpuppy

      Close, but not quite the pure Prymaat definition:
      Organically-enacted meat or vegetable matter between two starch planes.

      • N__B

        My father wearing one of his dress shirts meets that definition.

      • Mona Williams

        I want an ice-cream sandwich made with vegan fish.

    • Linnaeus

      Sandwiches are a paraphyletic clade.

      Potentially erroneous pedantry: IIRC, a clade cannot be paraphyletic, because a clade includes a common ancestor and all of its descendants, whereas a paraphyletic group does not.

      • Yes, I believe you’re correct. A clade is monophyletic by definition. I meant ‘taxa’. It’s been over a decade since my last biology class, unfortunately.

        • Linnaeus

          Oh, I understand. It’s been even longer for me.

        • Pseudonym

          If you're going to be pedantic, which I believe is a characteristic of your clade, it's taxon.

      • Pseudonym

        For that pedantry I’m voting you off the clade.

  • kped

    A Jamaican beef pattie is not a sandwich, but my brother turns it into one by slapping it in between 2 slices of bread, adding Mayo and lettuce and BBQ sauce. I’ve alerted the police to this monstrosity.

  • Earl of

    whatever.., Bet!

  • Phil Koop

    Today I Learned that “never read the comments” applies to the hermeneutics of sandwiches.

    • Daglock

      +1

  • kenjob

    Any operational definition of a sandwich must respect the essential innovation of the original. The sandwich was not introduced as a way to establish some arbitrary carb:filling ratio. The point of a sandwich is to dislocate the meal from the ceremony of dining. Sandwiches are those foodstuffs which effect this dislocation by increasing the number of distinct meal components that can be simultaneously manipulated via the trophic apparatus without rescaling the relative size of distinct meal components. Note that this increase is diagnostic only in contrast to some more ceremonial but otherwise equivalent meal.

    If consumption of a foodstuff is tractable without a plate and that foodstuff comprises two or more components that a more ceremonial context would preclude manipulating simultaneously, it’s probably a sandwich.

  • Jordan

    https://xkcd.com/1835/

    We have 7 years more of this, y’all.

    • MJSS

      But it’s not nearly as trochaic as any of the earlier trends. Surely that means the extrapolation is invalid…

    • Vance Maverick

      https://xkcd.com/149/

      Obviously using sudo we can enact any definition we want.

      • Pseudonym

        Robot monkey sandwiches are not sandwiches.

        • Jordan

          … yet

    • Justin Runia

      I have like a 4-year head start on this, clashing with Burger Supremacists in the great Is a Hamburger a Sandwich debates of 2013. I have been sharpening my rhetoric to a razor-point in the convening years.

      • Jordan

        not the hero we need, but the hero we deserve

  • MPAVictoria

    People my definition avoids all of these thorny philosophical issues and debates…. A sandwich is a carb with any type of filling or topping. Simple, straightforward and correct.

    • kenjob

      This definition is imprecise; a caramel apple is not a sandwich.

      • MPAVictoria

        But what if…. it were?

        • kenjob

          If we’re going to assert that all verb-ed words categorically diagnose noun-ed words, we are going to need a lot more words.

          You are confusing two things that have been sandwiched e.g. carb and filling with a sandwich.

    • BTW, I hope you know I’m just joking with all this. While your definition of sandwiches is objectively bonkers, I’m totally just teasing you.

      • MPAVictoria

        Of course BSpencer. All in good fun!

        /Though I am 100% correct and 0% wrong. ;-)

        • Pseudonym

          𝓓𝓔𝓛𝓔𝓣𝓔 𝓨𝓞𝓤𝓡 𝓐𝓒𝓒𝓞𝓤𝓝𝓣𝓢

    • Warren Terra

      A sandwich is a carb with any type of filling or topping. Simple, straightforward and correct.

      “For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.” – H. L. Mencken

    • As much as I enjoy sandwiches, I don’t think it’s productive to redefine virtually every dish humans have ever eaten as a sandwich.

    • A sandwich is a carb with any type of filling or topping

      Sooooo red beans and rice?

      • MPAVictoria

        Yes now you are getting it!

  • Jake the antisoshul soshulist

    Hot Brown, mofos!!!

    • Bloix

      A hot brown is not a sandwich.

      • Dennis Orphen

        The urban dictionary supports your assertion.

  • Jim in Baltimore

    I will go out on a limb and say that a crabcake eaten between two saltines (with mustard, of course, what am I, a beast?) is a sandwich.

  • Jordan

    The current sandwhich that I often make for myself is two pieces of toasted bread, with peanut butter on both. On one I put a bunch of relish. On that same one I squirt some deli spicy/brown mustard.

    My partner thinks this is incredibly gross. In fact, everyone I tell this about thinks its incredibly gross. And, well, it is unduly salty. But I don’t care, I like it.

    • I don’t think I like sandwiches anymore. You have ruined sandwiches for me.

      • Dennis Orphen

        You still have conveyor belt sushi.

      • Jordan

        :(

        Hey, whatabout getting some pita and throwing stuff in the middle? Thats definitely a sandwich, and maybe (maybe) far enough away from my contamination?

    • nixnutz

      As a kid I liked peanut butter, mayo and relish so I guess I’m biased but I find that far less weird than the fact that Europeans think PB&J is gross.

    • Dennis Orphen

      I’ve used almond butter as a meat substitute in savory sandwiches, with better than satisfactory results.

      • Jordan

        hmm, good suggestion, will try.

    • Are you pregnant?

      • Pseudonym

        I’m all for choice, but nothing can justify this abortion of a sandwich.

      • Jordan

        hehehe

        But no.

    • wjts

      Cold mashed potatoes and anchovies make a pretty good sandwich.

      • Jordan

        will try

    • tsam

      I’ll stick with my tire rims and anthrax, k?

      • Jordan

        hmm, will not try.

  • Incontinentia Buttocks

    I hope this means that you’ll be covering the ongoing “is cereal-and-milk a soup?” controversy! (Hint: it isn’t.)

    • N__B

      (Hint: it isn’t.)

      Of course not. Cereal-and-milk is biscuits and gravy.

    • Cereal and milk is a grotesque combination. It’s no wonder this nation voted Donald Trump as president, what with foods like this.

      • Jordan

        thank you

  • jpgray

    The only correct position is that of the nominalist. Sandwiches are whatever are commonly called sandwiches.

    Don’t be the pedantic unhuman idealist who asks to borrow a bicycle and rides off in a Harley. A burrito is not a sandwich.

    • Linnaeus

      All classification systems are artificial to some degree.

      • jpgray

        Username checks out.

  • yenwoda

    I’m no sandwich purist, but a burrito is a poor (if delicious) relative at best. A sandwich needs bread, the filling needs to be exposed and the starch-to-filling ratio needs to fall within a sensible range. Burritos are 0 for 3 here. What’s next, goddamn dumplings?

    • MPAVictoria

      Dumplings are a sandwich

  • N__B

    Mallomars are sandwiches.

    There. I said it.

    • jpgray

      We must live in the real world and resist the press of unsinewing abstractions on language.

      We must live in the real world, the living world of humans and speech, where ice cream sandwiches are sandwiches, and the Oreo yet remains a cookie.

      Drown with me in this ocean of unreasoning colloquialisms – let us go down to its bottom, settle on its abyssal plains, and be happy.

      • N__B

        let us go down to its bottom, settle on its abyssal plains, and be happy.

        The happiness presumes the presence of mallomars.

      • The Oreo is a sandwich cookie, not a mere cookie.

  • Linnaeus

    Apparently, folks haven’t read my sandwich appendix in Systema Naturae.

    • N__B

      How many levels of taxonomy did you create?

      • Linnaeus

        Well, you need to count the number of stamens and pistils, first.

        • N__B

          Don’t you start any preversion in there.

  • MPAVictoria

    Guys once you accept that like… 70% of food is some form of sandwich life becomes soooo much better.

  • N__B
    • Dennis Orphen

      Saw them on a double bill with The Dirtbombs way back when.

  • Dr. Ronnie James, DO

    THEY: Hey, I’m picking up lunch. Want anything?
    YOU: Yeah…just get me a sandwich, I guess.
    [THEY leave. time passes]

    ALTERNATE ENDING 1
    THEY: Here’s a hot dog. sorry I couldn’t get you a sandwich.
    YOU: that’s OK. Thanks anyway – this’ll do.

    ALTERNATE ENDING 2
    THEY: Here’s your sandwich!
    [hands you a hot dog/ pizza/ pho/ white hot branding iron]
    YOU: [beat them mercilessly]

    I consider this matter settled.

    • N__B

      Add some bread to your soup and you’ve got a pho-boy sandwich.

      • Dr. Ronnie James, DO

        +1 …and after all, if we’re categorically open to open-faced types and half sandwiches, then the classic French onion soup is just an inverted open faced vegetarian French dip, n’est-ce p…..
        [chokes to death on own preciousness]

    • tsam

      Don’t be ridiculous. You got handed food. No beating people until you eat.

  • Donalbain

    I honestly can’t imagine what it would be like to be THIS wrong, and then to top it off by pointing out how wrong you are in the very title of your own piece of spectacular wrongitude!

    The Earl of Sandwich completely definitely invented the sandwich when he asked for meat encased in bread so that he would not get his hands greasy when playing cards. A hot dog is meat encased in bread that one can eat without getting one’s hands greasy while playing cards. It is not just a sandwich, it is a sandwich in an almost Platonic sense.

    • Dr. Ronnie James, DO

      YOU: Sure, I’d love a hot dog!
      [time passes]
      THEY: Here you go!
      [hand you a hot dog sandwich aka a hot dog encased in actual bread]
      ALTERNATE ENDING 2

    • Daglock

      Originalist bias. The founding father, the good Earl, lived before the concoction of peanut butter. Does not the definition evolve to adapt to changes in technology and cultural norms?

  • petemack

    Not only does the tweet mis-identify chicken pot pie as a sandwich, but it shows a home made pot pie WITHOUT A MASHED POTATO ‘CRUST’. The horror, the horror.

  • N__B

    This entire discussion is all about ethics in sandwich journalism.

  • rea

    I have the definitive answer–I consulted George of local restaurant, “Burger George” (last night in bed). He tells me burgers aren’t sandwiches. Subs are sandwiches. Things on buns can be sandwiches, but it depends on the kind of bun. Vox burger, vox dei

    • jpgray

      “Ground Beef Sandwich George” = lunacy

    • Aaron Morrow

      You put that patty in between buns, and quite possibly pickles, lettuce, cheese. Ergo a sandwich.

      Cyborg >>> George

      • rea

        He would say that it’s not a sandwich because you put it on a hamburger bun

        And if there is one thing I’ve learned living with the guy for 25 years, it’s that he’s infallible on restaurant-related matters(just ask him).

  • bender

    Nowhere near 500 comments yet.

    Consider the large sheet of lavash spread with fillings, rolled up and sliced into segments.

    It is functionally a sandwich, and consists of ordinary sandwich ingredients, but structurally it is a roulade.

    No other kind of roulade is a sandwich. Therefore I’m going to classify lavash roll-ups as a subcategory of wraps.

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