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A new hero is born

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SEK is at Home Depot. He sees two scrawny WHITE GUYS pass a WOMAN who is admittedly very BUTCH.

WHITE GUY #1: Check it out.

WHITE GUY #2: Bet that dyke bitch loves her some pu —

BUTCH WOMAN: I will fuck you up.

WHITE GUY #2: Are you talking to–

BUTCH WOMAN: I, will fuck, you up.

WHITE GUY #1: Big talk from —

The WOMAN who is admittedly very BUTCH shrugs with menace.

WHITE GUY #2: She ain’t worth the — let’s roll! C’mon!

SEK: I was about to jump in there, defend your honor and shit.

BUTCH WOMAN: (laughs, nods, stoically ambles off into sunset)

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  • Dirk Gently

    Your response to a tense public situation is too smooth and perfectly stated. I don’t believe you.

    • SEK

      You don’t believe that I start babbling and cursing when I’m nervous. It’s like you don’t even know me!

      • Anonymous

        BUTCH WOMAN: (chuckling) Sure you were. (mumbling as she stoically ambles off into sunset) Another white knighting ass.

        • SEK

          Except for the part where I clearly was acknowledging that she could handle the situation all on her lonesome, yes, exactly.

          • joe from Lowell

            It’s difficult to detect irony when your greatest joy in life is shouting A-HA! at someone.

        • Yes, SEK was trying to White Knight a woman he thought was a lesbian and knew didn’t back off from a fight. He likes a challenge. And emergency dental work.

        • ADHDJ

          “Another white knighting ass.”

          If there’s one thing lesbians are known for, it’s for using the exact same inane nomenclature as neckbeard internet trolls. “Dude, Ani DiFranco totally crushed that song, brah! Let’s hop in the Subie and go neg some bitches! Don’t be a womangina, take the red pill and let’s go run some game!”

          If there are two things lesbians are known for, it’s that and enjoying vagina.

    • SEK

      You don’t believe that I start babbling and cursing when I’m nervous. It’s like you don’t even know me!

      • Now, you’re stuttering!!!

      • Dirk Gently

        Cursing, yes. But man, if that’s your babbling, I would like to acquaint you with my version, which is more like an American-accented Hugh Grant, sputtering and blinking while I utter words in the wrong order. I am incapable of wording such responses in real time.

        • asmallweasel

          I’m always more charmingly clumsy in my mind than in real life

        • ChrisTS

          Yes; I would have been more like “Oh, wow, jeezus, um, well, that was .. “

        • SEK

          But man, if that’s your babbling…

          Have you not listened to any of my podcasts? It’s all that, plus cursing.

    • Calming Influence

      “(laughs, nods, stoically ambles off into sunset)” “And what you lookin’ at, punk?!?”

      Fixed.

  • One time, a crazy aunt of mine threatened my mother that she would poke her eyes out. Mom responded: “I’ll poke your eyes out through your asshole.”

    • Dirk Gently

      Ah, a multi-opti-pupiloptomy.

      • Warren Terra

        Recommended in cases of rectal-cranial inversion.

    • rm

      Disturbed man on the streets of Louisville: I’m gonna pluck you eyeballs right out you head.

  • Aimai

    Absolutely fantastic. Made my day.

    • Yeah, mine too!

      Big talk starting from 2 scrawny white guys, turns into scrawny white guy flight!!!

  • Pat

    Ah, the South. Where so many issues are addressed by expressing the willingness to do something very nasty very shortly.

  • KmCO

    Clearly, the South will rise again.

    • asmallweasel

      Man, we will, its just, yanno, this race is this weekend and I’ve got to kill this case of natty light…

      • DrS

        Hey, weren’t you a moose?

        Speciesfraud!

        • asmallweasel

          lol, i wanted to be a weasel from the start but i was worried people might think it was a dick joke.

          • Aimai

            Go back to being a moose, its way cuter.

            • asmallmoose

              The people have spoken

              • DrS

                Yay! And I agree with Aimai, there’s something about a small moose that totes adorbs.

                • Chocolate Covered Cotton

                  A small moose once bit my little sister.

                • Michael

                  A small moose once bit my little sister.

                  …and Whitey’s on the Moon…

              • As mall moose what?

                • asmallmoose

                  Asmall moose, one of the lesser Kings of Hell

      • Warren Terra

        I thought those folks valued tradition. Don’t they know the traditional caption is “Hang In There” or even “Hang In There Baby”, not “Hang On”?

      • Sly

        That’s actually pleasantly surprising. I can imagine a far worse, yet historically appropriate, Neo-Confederate variation of “Hang in there, baby.”

    • efgoldman

      Clearly, the South will rise again.

      Better tell BillO in the Beyonce thread below.

    • joe from Lowell
      • asmallmoose

        lol, that’s one of my favorites

  • dp

    Literally, LOL.

  • jon

    Pics or it didn’t happen. Also, totally sexist against scrawny white guys everywhere.

    • buskertype

      scrawny white guys are the gays of liberal fascism.

      • Warren Terra

        Scrawny white Jews are the gays of Louisiana Butchism?

  • Hodor

    Stoic ambling is the new power move.

    • Dirk Gently

      Coming from someone who goes by Hodor, I question your use of “new”.

    • Chocolate Covered Cotton

      I’m still trying to picture how someone, anyone, shrugs with menace.

      • Phoenix Rising

        That’s the shrug that says, Okay, player, it’s your dental work/funeral.

        Sometimes I find it useful to verbalize the first part, but mostly scrawny loudmouth white dudes who wish they got laid as often as I do have an amazing capacity to understand the threat of the calm before this becomes Not Such A Funny Story Imma Tell The Boys At Work.

        Noted, I am not personally the Will Fuck Up Scrawny Meth Freaks In Home Depot dyke in this story, but i know this only because I have never been to Louisiana. And honestly SEK’s anecdotes don’t inspire me to change that.

        • Sargasso Sink

          Yes, I think it’s “your funeral,” with a subtext of “bring it on”

      • I think I know what he means, but I picture it as a roll of the shoulders that may include the neck. I don’t know why it indicates “And now I shall break my foot off in your ass,” but it does.

  • Warren Terra

    Needs a name. “Butch Woman” seems derogatory. I propose “Will-fnck-you-up Woman”.

    • Scott P.

      Brienne of Tarth?

      • rm

        Brienne of the Bayou

      • JHG

        That’s exactly who I was picturing as I read this!!

    • SamInMpls

      I, for one, am happy to use the preferred nomenclature and in my experience “butch” very much is.

  • Uncle Ebeneezer

    Ooh, I can only imagine the lasers that came out of her eyes! What a great story.

  • brandon

    You know what they say, SEK, with great power comes great responsibility

    • asmallweasel

      Fuck that noise, if I ever get great power I’m going full Luthor.

      • Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.

        Luthor is way to restrained.

      • Power corrupts, and absolute power would be pretty awesome.

        • brandon

          The best way I’ve heard that phrased is “Absolute power rocks absolutely.”

          • ADHDJ

            …followed by playing a riff from the Internationale on air guitar and exclaiming, “Wyld Stalins rule!”

      • Halloween Jack
  • Your life is much more interesting than mine. I did once find a raccoon in the back of my truck when I came out of Home Depot, but that’s it.

    • Gregor Sansa

      I played Zork once.

      • The prophet Nostradumbass

        You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.

        • LittlePig

          No school like old school.

        • I was eaten by a grue.

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