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I’m just glad he gave me permission to live in my house

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SEK’S NEIGHBOR: I heard you talking on the phone about some “doctor” you think is all-powerful.

SEK: What?

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: On your phone, you were telling someone about this “doctor” you found, could do all these — come back from the dead.

SEK: Wouldn’t surprise me.

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: Is his name “Jesus”?

SEK: Nope.

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: What’s his name?

SEK: I don’t actually know.

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: Yet you said you’d trust him.

SEK: Sounds like me.

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: I can tell you his name.

SEK: No, really, it’s fine —

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: I know his name. He whispered it in my ear every night until —

SEK: No, really, you don’t understand —

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: His name is —

SEK: “SATAN,” I know, his name is “SATAN.”

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: “SATAN.”

SEK: I know.

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: As in, “THE SATAN.”

SEK: I’ve had this conversation before, quite a few times, in many a context.

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: “LUCIFER.”

SEK: Please, I know what you’re gonna —

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: “BEEZLE THE BUB.”

SEK: I think you mean “BEEZLE OF THE BUB.”

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: You would know better than me.

SEK: Because I’m a Jew?

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: And yet you live right next door.

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  • Manny Kant

    Okay, this isn’t real, right?

    • SEK

      It is. Not in real time, mind you, but this is a conversation I had today.

      • SEK

        If y’all pay for it, I will carry around an iPhone and record all this for you. (Also, I’ll have scored an iPhone, so it’s a win-win proposition for me.)

        • slightly_peeved

          surely some sort of hat-mounted camera would do a better job?

          • Danny

            +1

          • medrawt

            I believe SEK’s interlocutor is already on record being agitated about the hat. I can’t imagine the state of mind into which he would be driven by a hat-mounted camera.

            • Darek

              As long as the hat is a fez? I’d subscribe to a youtube channel featuring a first person POV of SEK’s adventures.

            • Barry Freed

              Maybe he thinks the hat is hiding SEK’s horns?

            • karl

              He might not mind the hat if it’s made of tin foil.

      • Neighbor: His name is Doctor who?

        SEK: Yes.

        Neighbor: What?

        SEK: Who.

        Neighbor: That is what I am asking.

        SEK: I just told you Who.

        Neighbor: No. You didn’t. Tell me who this doctor is?

        SEK: Who.

        Neighbor: THE DOCTOR

        SEK: Yes.

        I hope someone didn’t type this bit down thread because it really is amazing.

        • Kurzleg

          Delightful!

        • John Protevi

          excellent

        • Mark D’ski

          “and he’s on first…”

      • BruceJ

        Oh man, you missed a chance to turn that into a Who’s on first routine…:-)

        • SEK

          Proof that I don’t make this shit up, I think. I mean, if I did, I’d certainly have been clever enough to come up with that the first time.

          • Dan Staley

            I realize I’m late to the party, but you really do need to get a GoPro and record this stuff. You’ll be glad of the expenditure when you go big time with this guy.

            Happy Thanksgivvikah.

    • Pat

      So, what did you think of the Dr. Who anniversary special?

      • Myself, I’m quite pleased!

        And my neighbors are boring.

        • SEK

          I’ll be posting on it after Thanksgiving, have no fear.

          • I liked the AV Club review, except I am worried that the reviewer gave it more heart than Moffat and putting in depth that maybe wasn’t there. I can’t tell. I just read the review and decided I wanted what was there to be the case with the special, but was mixed on whether I was convinced. I can’t say I complete enjoyed it (only because the Primetime repeat on BBC America had so many commercials that even being able to fast forward was maddening). I felt it was only 5/6th baked, but I think it was well done and likely pretty inclusive to a wide audience. They put a lot of effort into it I think.

  • Malaclypse

    He whispered it in my ear every night

    This is the part that is perhaps not funny.

    • SEK

      That’s actually boilerplate Southern Baptist-speak for life-before-finding-the-Lord. Hence, my reaction to it.

      • JMP

        Haven’t most of them been raised as Christians their whole lives? How is there a life before finding the lord when the religion has always been part of them?

        • rm

          That’s how evangelical churches rack up huge numbers of “souls brought to the Lord” without ever growing the total size of their congregations. You don’t get to heaven by having always been in the denomination — though, let me tell you, in most churches that’s actually their unspoken bottom line requirement for social acceptance — you have to have a personal encounter with Jesus which is dramatic and changes your life and which you can specify to the day. If you can’t say which exact day your life changed from 100% complete depravity and darkness to 100% complete rectitude and happiness, then they are suspicious that you might not really have been saved. So you respond to the altar call and have another conversion experience.

          • JMP

            OK, and here as a former Catholic I thought that church was weird. I guess I should feel lucky that the only evangelical types I’ve ever encountered have been Jehovah’s Witnesses; and they usually go away as soon as I say, “I’m an atheist”, in a way that makes it seems they think atheism is contagious.

          • Ken

            “And even without an invitation
            There were at least five hundred rededications
            And we all got rebaptized whether we needed it or not.”

      • Wrye

        Ahhhhhh….I see.

  • Mike Schilling

    What’s his name?

    Who.

    The doctor.

    Who.

    The doctor! What’s the name of the doctor?

    No, what’s the name of the man who invented the steam engine.

    I don’t know.

    Third base!

    • Damn you Mike Schilling. You got there first. I mean “Who got there first.”

      • Uncle Ebeneezer

        I assumed this was headed towards Dr. Who.

        • SEK

          I assumed y’all would get that joke. I knew it was lost on him.

        • Danny

          Come on, he’s not some hack who’s obsessed with the “He’s the Doctor.” “Doctor Who?” joke.

          • NonyNony

            My six year old thinks the “He’s the Doctor.” “Doctor Who?” joke is funny every time it happens. Every. Time.

            I take this as a piece of evidence against the theory that Moffat is writing the show for the hardcore fans and isn’t aiming it at children anymore.

            • njorl

              My son works him into “The Wickersham Brothers” song from Horton Hears a Who.

              Dr. Who, not Satan.

              “There’ll be no more Dr. Whoooooooooooo’s
              Who are not.”

              • njorl

                I suppose he could work Satan into Green Eggs and Ham,

                I am Sam
                Sam-a=el

                But he doesn’t. At least not when I’m listening.

                • Warren Terra

                  Does your son perhaps have a creepy governess who might be instructing him when to and not to invoke Sam-a-el? Is a big black dog hanging about?

          • Manny Kant

            It’s not like Moffat came up with it:

            BARBARA: Oh, look, I don’t understand it any more than you do. The inside of the ship, suddenly finding ourselves here. Even some of the things Doctor Foreman says
            IAN: That’s not his name. Who is he? Doctor who? Perhaps if we knew his name we might have a clue to all this.

            • Danny

              True, and I like the joke every now and then, but I just feel like Moffat is overly amused by it. I mean, the sixth season ended with a character shouting “Doctor Who?” over and over again.

    • Sly
      • LittlePig

        Ahhh. Didn’t even need to click it.

  • Uncle Ebeneezer

    Oy vey.

    On the upside you must be a very important person indeed, to have access to THE Satan. I get stuck with merely A Satan. Though perhaps my atheism qualifies me for an upgrade in the near-future.

    • Lurker

      Depends on your level of dualism. Generally, I think most people who believe in the actual existing Satan believe that he is personally tempting them, just like Jesus is personally calling them.

      On the other hand, if you go for a more mystic vibe, you start believing in demonology, and then, you start getting different levels of devils who are harassing you. In my view, it’s a way to madness, but evangelical types seem to like medieval demonology. A friend in high school who became one demonstrated his new Christian belief by starting to lecture me in detail about different levels of demons and angels. After this, I started to strongly fear that he was losing his mind. This, I think, happened. He went on to study astronomy and dropped out. I don’t know what became of him.

      At least here in Finland, the Lutheran dean of Nokia got in serious trouble exactly for this. He was involved in the American “God’s generals” movement, and his attempts to conduct miracles were based on somewhat too detailed ideas about different light and dark angels. He was actually accused of witchcraft and heresy and condemned by the diocesan chapter (to a temporary loss of clerical character and episcopal guidance). He went on to found his own church, which later dismissed him after he was found to have sexually abused male congregation members. Later the man was convicted of one count of sexual abuse and sentenced to a three months in jail, with the sentence suspended.

  • Philip

    Just be glad he didn’t realize that it was a foreign Satan.

    • Warren Terra

      Here in the good ol USA we get the Great Satan, as some have noted. Nothing but the biggest and best for us.

      • BruceJ

        Well, if you want to get specific Satan’s name is actually Lucy.

        • a Mr. Deity fan!

        • John Protevi

          It’s Nick Satan, actually.

        • Barry Freed

          I thought that was his daughter’s name.

  • Lee Rudolph

    “Get behind me, The Satan!”?

    • anthrofred

      Commas, the world’s greatest punctuation marks.

  • Like a Beezle to the Bub,
    A Bub to the Beezle,
    A super def hand with all the

    Weasels?

    Hang on…

    • Jeffrey Beaumont

      Ha!

    • CD

      Pleasel.

    • anthrofred

      “Wall Street weasels”? Right number of syllables for the hopelessly suburban rhyme scheme going through my head.

  • Helmut Monotreme

    Stay safe, this guy sounds unhinged.

    • Most of it just sounds kind of southern.

      • Helmut Monotreme

        I was raised Lutheran (it didn’t take) and that kind of talk is outside of my experience. It was my impression that if the Lutherans of my acquaintance were serious about trying to convert a person, there would be a never ending stream of invitations to church picnics, church softball games, church potluck dinners, church bake sales and church lutefisk dinners. I think the idea was to stun the unsuspecting with carb comas and the conversion would come well after being completely absorbed into the church food lifestyle. It was a slow and relentless process and totally unlike the low budget “Excorcist” experience SEK is getting.

        • DrS

          Authorities believe that Jell-O may have been involved

          • Bill Murray

            that’s for LDS conversion, assuming the jell-o is green

            • Malaclypse

              We do orange as well.

              • Lime jello with cream of mushroom soup, and shredded carrots.

                • DrS

                  Oh, a salad!

                • MAJeff

                  As long as that salad has no layers!

          • LittlePig

            That’s where the lutefisk comes in!

        • efgoldman

          and church lutefisk dinners.

          If they couldn’t convert you, I guess poisoning you would have been a reasonable alterative.

          • elizabeth

            Reminds me of one of my favorite MN Supreme Court cases. It involved a mink rancher whose mink died after he fed them lutefisk trimmings.

        • MikeJ

          I was raised Lutheran (it didn’t take) and that kind of talk is outside of my experience.

          I was raised Southern Baptist (it didn’t take) and that kind of talk is outside my experience.

          • JL

            I was raised an atheist Jew in an area filled with Southern Baptists, and this sounds like an adult version of some of the things that kids said to me when I was a kid.

            But they were, you know, eight and nine year-old kids. Little kids are rarely masters of subtlety, persuasion, or using brain-to-mouth filters. I would have expected most adults to master something less creepy.

        • Who in the hell are you going to convert with lutefisk?

          • Bartleby

            Perhaps any itinerant Scandinavian immigrants?

          • Oh I dunno. “Convert or we’ll force this plate of congealed demon scat down your throat!” could be a really effective tool in the fight to bring pagans and heretics to the lord.

      • Caroline Abbott

        We have ’em in Oklahoma, too. When I recently declined an offer for a macramé crucifix necklace from one of my clients, he gave me the side-eye and asked, “Burn your chest, won’t it?”

        • Warren Terra

          Did you explain to your interlocutor the differences between heathens and vampires?

          • Caroline Abbott

            No. I’d just as soon he think that I like my Type O+ with a twist.

      • There’s a difference?

        • Bartleby

          Was going to say something along the lines of “Isn’t that a distinction without a difference?” but then say you did this, so…

          +1

      • Adam Bradley

        I grew up in Nashville and went to Middle/High school with guys like this. If he’s old enough, SEK, you should ask him if he was surprised when The Rapture didn’t happen in 1989.

    • Thing is, this particular variety of insanity has so many exemplars in Mississippi, it probably counts as “sane” in some vicinities. Sanity being just a matter of context, right?

      Just to stir the pot, I would suggest pointing out to him that if there are going to be 144,000 Jews as in Revelation, then some Jews have to remain unconverted … but I see from the internet that the Evangelicals have convinced themselves that “from all the tribes of Israel” = “Christians.” Because the Bible has to be taken LITERALLY, except when it does not.

      • Anonymous

        The US and/or Britain are the new Israel, I’ve heard. Just like Russia is the new Gog and/or Magog.

        • JoyfulA

          Is this the same as the Three Secrets of Fatima? Russia has to be converted to the Immaculate Heart or else World War II, etc.!

      • Lurker

        Actually, this particular doctrine is not a novelty. Since the early church, many Christian theologians have taken the position that the Christian church is the actual Israel and that all the promises of Old Testament concern the Church, not the Jewish community. (On the other hand, in more extreme versions of this doctrine, the curses of Deuteronomy concern the Jewish community, becaused they have lapsed from faith by not accepting Christianity.) So, this is not a particularly evangelicalist aberration.

        • postmodulator

          This is, for instance, the Rastafarian belief, correct?

    • rea

      Just thank goodness the guy doesn’t think to Google you, and end up reading this stuff.

      • Lee Rudolph

        No problem there. I have it on good authority that, at the present time, SEK is living under the name of Sanders.

        • And his neighbor’s name is Trespassers William.

          • Bartleby

            I loved The Glass Menagerie, especially the one with John Malkovich.

          • Lee Rudolph

            Nah, that’s his brother. The neighbor himself (it has been establish elsewhere in the thread) is Eavesdroppers William.

  • Sly

    I’m just glad he gave me permission to live in my house

    That’s actually Evangelicalese for “God put you here so I can convert you.” Because, you know, these people are really humble and whatnot.

    • Royko

      Gotta make quota.

      Salvation is for closers!

    • Anonymous

      It could be worse–he could be into Missionary Dating.

      • postmodulator

        Did you find out about that from Slate’s Dear Prudence column too? That’s the most fucked up thing I’ve heard in a long time.

        For those who successfully resist the tight-assed teetotaler Emily Yoffe, the column had a letter from a guy who said his new wife had claimed she was an atheist while they were dating, then not long after the wedding came out as a right-wing evangelical and started working on converting him. Her friends confirmed to the husband, oh, yeah, that was an act for your benefit, she’s always been this religious.

        When Yoffe expressed disbelief that a human being could possibly act this way, people followed up, oh, no, Missionary Dating is a totally real thing.

        What a nightmare. You’ve got to figure she’s going to contest the inevitable divorce, what with it being a sin against God and all.

    • SEK

      That’s actually Evangelicalese for “God put you here so I can convert you.”

      Yep, my roommate found a note on the door this morning inviting me to come to his place for Thanksgiving to talk more about Jesus.

      And for the record, this is my hipster-mustache-hating neighbor, not the crazy-cop-calling one.

  • Maybe you should close your window when you are on the phone?

    • SEK

      I didn’t work it into the post, but noted it on Facebook:

      The funny thing is, I haven’t actually talked on the phone with anyone about Doctor Who recently. I think I must’ve been watching “The Day of the Doctor” too loudly while he was on his front porch watching the LSU-A&M game, and he mistook Tenant and Smith’s bickering for me talking. Which is, in its way, oddly flattering.

      • Dude. A hearing person thought a TV character was you participating in an argument?

        I’m telling my kid. Something to aspire to after many years of amplification: conversion attempts based on eavesdropping.

        Wow.*

        *Obvs if my assumptions are incorrect, correct me…but…wow.

        • Hogan

          A hearing person thought a TV character was you participating in an argument?

          If SEK had had the TV on, then he would have been watching the LSU-A&M game. Duh.

          • Lee Rudolph

            So? Are you trying to say that the color commentators on the game wouldn’t have been discussing Dr. Who?

          • SEK

            A hearing person thought a TV character was you participating in an argument?

            I’ve been told that when I’m home alone and don’t use captions, I tend to watch television very, very loudly.

            If SEK had had the TV on, then he would have been watching the LSU-A&M game. Duh.

            Actually, I taped it, watched “Day of the Doctor,” then watched the game sans commercials.

            • I’d imagine that your TV is really quite loud if you’re home alone. And turn off captions. Loud to me, I mean. (Ask me how I know.) My comment went more toward, Your speech has to be out-fucking-standingly clear if that was your neighbor’s misapprehension. Which is great.

              The kid’s new amps have a BT connection to the TV’s sound output, which means that it can be loud enough directly into her ears, while not so loud in the room that the dog hides behind the couch. It’s a technological revolution that the big dog rescue should have suggested, is how much the Great Dane likes it better.

              • Manny Kant

                SEK’s speech does not sound at all like that of a stereotypical deaf person. You can observe it in his various video discussions of Game of Thrones, etc.

                • That was in fact my point.

                  I wouldn’t know what Scott sounds like because I leave the sound off on the videos so that my deaf kid’s home schooling isn’t impacted by noise from my desk. (Also TV bores the fuck out of me.)

              • SEK

                Your speech has to be out-fucking-standingly clear if that was your neighbor’s misapprehension.

                Eight years of speech therapy makes me sound very comfortable with my words and what I say.

                • SV

                  Did it also give you a British accent?

                • That’s hilarious. And to be clear, I assumed you’d had quite a few hours of ST over many years; my kid just got properly working amplification, and has requested 6 sessions now that she can hear herself better. Hoping ACA requires coverage, because IIRC the good one wasn’t cheap.

        • JMP

          And he thought an English person was SEK (well, either an English person or a Scottish person pretending to be English). Do all non-Southern accents sound the same to this neighbor?

          • well, as an agent of The Satin, SEK can probably talk in tongues. Or at least accents.

            • Warren Terra

              Wait, this theory suggests much of Hollywoodisn’t servants of Satan, as they can’t do accents worth a darn.

              • fidelio

                I thought Satine died at the end of the movie.

              • Knights in White Satan vs. Knights of the White Camellia!

                In space!

          • BlueLoom

            I grew up speaking mid-Atlantic AmerEng. When I moved to the rural south for a while in my 20s/early 30s, my accent was often taken for British.

            Doesn’t excuse SEK’s neighbor for being an all-’round jerk in general, tho.

  • kindness

    Is this the same neighbor who thinks wearing a baseball cap backwards means your a gang member?

    I’d say sell and move fast but your neighbor definitely drops the value of your house.

  • Todd

    I just think it’s nice that the Satan bothered to get an advanced degree.

    • jim, some guy in iowa

      he wanted to be known as The Satan and figured that would distinguish him from all the run of the mill Satans

      but wait. wasn’t Satan a lady? or is that just a movie misremembered

  • DrDick

    May I say that you have some of the most “interesting” social encounters of anyone I have ever know? I am over 60, grew up in the Bible Belt, and have never had an encounter like that. Of course I have been teaching for 25 years and never had any students use my office to have sex in either.

    • Caroline Abbott

      I work with some really interesting and complex people, most of whom left classrooms long before they would have been eligible for yours.

    • Pat

      I think he must be special.

    • Ian

      I believe the term you want is weirdness magnet.

      • bexley

        I prefer strange attractor since he seems to be at the heart of chaos.

        • DrDick

          Well put.

    • Mike Schilling

      They might if its door said “SEK’s Office”.

    • rea

      I am over 60, grew up in the Bible Belt, and have never had an encounter like that

      I’ve had encounters that bad, but not that funny.

      Of course I have been teaching for 25 years and never had any students use my office to have sex in either.

      You need a more comfortable desk.

      • No, they just need more SEKs.

        • Barry Freed

          We all could use more SEKs.

          • I’m thinking SEK could do with a bit less SEKs.

    • ajay

      Of course I have been teaching for 25 years and never had any students use my office to have sex in either.

      AS FAR AS YOU KNOW.

    • SEK

      May I say that you have some of the most “interesting” social encounters of anyone I have ever know?

      As I hope is obvious from these posts, I also “bring it out” in people, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not — but mostly intentionally. I believe people are more interesting than they think they are, and I do try to encourage them to be more, rather than less, interesting. The results vary, but at the very least, I’m entertained.

      • rea

        Ah, so you are doing your neighbor a favor, bringing some interest into otherwise drab existance.

      • steverino

        Steve Allen once observed that a comedian is a person to whom funny things happen.

        At least, they notice it more.

  • James E. Powell

    Is this one of the posts that we will all refer back to right after we hear the news story “Police in Louisiana today arrested a man they charge engaged in the ritual murder of his sarcastic but otherwise harmless next door neighbor. Area residents reported the man had been babbling about the devil and lasers coming from peoples’ eyes.”

    SEK, I assume your exhaustive cultural education included Deliverance.

    • dexitroboper

      Lasers coming from the eyes? I think he’s possessed by Mr Flibble, not Satan.

      • The prophet Nostradumbass

        He is very cross.

    • Seriously, reading this stuff makes me nervous as hell. The guy sounds like he’s gonna bust the door down in the middle of the night with a fireaxe.

      • ChrisTS

        I’m with you. It is funny, in a way, but also deeply creepy.

        • SEK

          Have no fears. The worst that could happen is I start attending the Whitest Church in Whiteville, and that’s not about to happen. If anything, I’ll convert him into a Whovian. I have powers of persuasion, because of course I do, thank you, Satan.

          • James E. Powell

            Okay, but I’m seeing Kevin Spacey as you and Chris Cooper as him and then it’s raining and . . .

  • grouchomarxist

    You ever get the feeling that, for a lot of people, that whole rational world-view/Enlightenment thing is just too much work?

    Southern Baptists got their start defending slavery in the antebellum South, and it’s been pretty much all downhill from there. To be fair, though, they did apologize for that bit of unpleasantness — in 2009. So who knows how much progress they might make by the year 2163?

    • Ken

      I don’t think the problem’s the Enlightenment. I think it’s taking the pills according to the directions on the bottle.

    • Warren Terra

      I was reading an article on science education the other day, which contained an anecdote about a kid raised Christian in the South who refused to believe in planets, stars, all that heliocentric stuff.

      • ChrisTS

        So, what did he think he was seeing when he looked at the night sky?

        • God’s dandruff.

          • Barry Freed

            Not those Klingons, the other kind.

  • LoriK

    Seriously, is this guy armed and if so, should SEK be continuing to egg him on? When I lived in Guns ‘n Jesus-ville I found that it was generally best to refrain from poking the crazy with a stick.

    • Spokane Moderate

      If there is an expert on crazy, it’s SEK. The man knows what he’s doing.

      I hope.

      • Yeah. He’s a bee keeper toying with hornets.

        • LoriK

          Exactly. Experience doesn’t always imply expertise (no offense to SEK) and experience with regular crazy or mid-grade crazy doesn’t necessarily prepare one to deal with high-test crazy. Especially if the crazy owns a gun.

    • SEK

      Seriously, is this guy armed and if so, should SEK be continuing to egg him on?

      SEK is also armed, but really, if you watch the podcasts, you can see that I’m actually far less abrasive than I seem when I’m just recounting my words. The disconnect amuses me, but I assure you, for the most part, people find me find off-putting but charming.

      Plus, I’m a rank coward, so I’d never put myself into a dangerous situation.

  • Hogan

    I’m just glad he gave me permission to live in my house

    Does he know it’s bigger on the inside than on the outside?

    • LittlePig

      +1

  • Peter Hovde

    Satan has not spoken *to* me, but I have heard him speak wise words:
    “Saddam, you’re an asshole, and you’ll never be the friend that I want . . .”

  • STH

    So how do you end a conversation like that? I mean, is it worthwhile to try to explain the TV show to him? Or better just to play along? You might get some nice dinners and cakes and things out of it, if you don’t mind the soundtrack of evangelism going on at the same time.

    • Lee Rudolph

      SEK should hold out for a cake baked in the shape of a key.

      And a Bible, that’s important.

  • mike in dc
  • J R in WV

    I lived in Mississippi for a year or so, and grew up in WV, where a local radio preacher preached against my satan-worshipping godless family by name while I was in grade school. This was after my folks helped found a Unitarian-Universalist Fellowship. Preacher (Holy cow, I’ve forgotten!!!?) Armstrong (to assign an identifier without any historical connection) managed to make it impossible for me to take any religion seriously, as I knew that no one in my family believed in Satan!

    I’ve never heard any conversation(s) anything like the ones documented here by SEK. His neighbor (please pass along at least a first name or nickname, so we can have a common referent for this nutjob) truly seems to have no ability to follow a conversation that doesn’t adhere exactly to his world view. Leaving aside that his world view is crazed.

    Just WOW is all I can say…

    And BE CAREFUL, there’s no telling what a nutjob will do in response to any given strange or unexpected input.

    • JustRuss

      I feel a Name the Neighbor contest coming on. My entry: Hatophobe

      • anomomouse

        I suggest Jehosha Hat

        • Jeroboam V. Fedora.

          • LittlePig

            Lay-dees and Gentlemen! Tonight for our main event, right here in this very ring, the Juggernaut of Judah, the Lightening Levite, the Hebrew Haymaker, Jeroboam!

            Versus that well known contender, the Topper with the Chopper, the Horrifying Homburg, the Borsalino Bomber, Felt Fedora!

  • Jay B.

    On one hand, your death will be really sad. On the other, your obituary will kill.

  • oldster

    Add me to the column of those saying:

    This guy is a dangerous whackaloon, and you are endangering yourself by staying there.

    Get out in one piece, and get out soon. It ain’t going to get better; it’s going to get ugly.

    As much as I enjoy your funny anecdotes, I’d prefer not to hear them told of you posthumously, or recounted from your hospital bed.

    • Pseudonym

      On the other hand, this is leading up to the funniest seance ever.

    • Jordan

      No, no, have more faith in SEK. He is clearly deciding to create a masterful long-con worthy of Petyr Baelish on his evil neighbor.

      We eagerly await the coming penultimate episode in which said evil neighbor somehow deeds all his property to SEK due to masterful trickeration. The final episode will consist solely of eye lasers.

    • In my youth in Virginia, this would have been a totally normal everyday conversation with a significant fraction of the local populace.

      That Doctor is not Satan, though; I know because he was in the same pit with Satan at least once and they were clearly two different guys.

      • Rigby Reardon

        In my youth in Virginia, this would have been a totally normal everyday conversation with a significant fraction of the local populace.

        I’ve lived in Florida – in several of the non-crazy parts, even – for much of my life, and these interactions between SEK and his neighbor would be completely unremarkable. Funny, but not cause for concern.

        It’s just how things are down here.

      • …Of course he was just in the same room with himself and they were clearly at least three different guys, so I retract my argument.

  • Shouldn’t that be BEEZLE THE BUBBA?

  • Jordan

    This is what I visit LGM for…ruminations on absurdities in contemporary life? Is SEK an LGM experiment in brand diversification, or something? I just don’t get the appeal of any of his posts on this particular site.

    • I come for the laser eyes.

      • Jordan

        Speaking of which, it has been far too long since we’ve had a laser eye post.

    • Gregor Sansa

      There’s trolls. Jenbob, for instance. I’m happy to know Jenbob remains healthy. It makes me sad when it blows a gasket and starts posting as “knee grow”.

      There’s semi-trolls. Even more fun. J Otto, don’t ever change.

      And then there’s this. Doesn’t even deserve pancakes. Maybe some lucky charms?

      • Jordan

        It is from yesterday.

        Because you see these comments all the time for bspencer posts that are totally bspencer posts but don’t really have obvious correlations with everything else that happens here, but you rarely (but sometimes) see these posts for SEK posts that are totally SEK posts but don’t really have obvious correlations with everything else that happens here.

        • Bartleby

          +1, I thought it was well played.

        • Every time I see these posts from SEK, I wonder why he doesn’t get trolled, then I slap my forehead and remember he has a penis.

          (It should be noted I get a huge kick out of these posts.)

          • Walt

            You have a penis, bspencer. You keep it in a jar on your desk.

            • Oooh…a Robert Bloch reference.

            • No, it’s on this lovely necklace I’m wearing.

              • Lee Rudolph

                How’s it hanging?

                • Back, and to the left.

                  Back, and to the left.

                • Bufflars

                  Too soon?

          • Hogan

            I usually slap my penis and remember he has a forehead, but I think I’ll try it your way from now on.

          • Jordan

            Yeah, exactly.

      • Gregor Sansa

        Poe’s law is a harsh mistress. I see what you were going for now, and it’s a good one, but I certainly don’t feel stupid for not getting it on the first read. Maybe if you’d put something at the end, such as:

        Oh, wait. He has a penis? Forget I said anything.

    • LoriK

      Is there anything more special than a person who comments on a post to say what a total waste of time the post is? The combination of self-righteousness and total lack of self-awareness is truly magnificent.

      Have a pop tart.

      • Jordan

        No, no there isn’t.

        • LoriK

          Were you intending that as a burn? That’s adorable.

          Have another pop tart.

          • Jordan

            Sigh.

            • N__B

              Too subtle.

              • Jordan

                I’ll figure out these intertubes one day.

                • That’s why I believe humor should be a cheyneyesque shotgun blast in the face.

          • Rigby Reardon

            Read a little higher in this very thread. You’ll see a link to the comment Jordan was making fun of.

            This is why it’s a good idea to keep your mouth shut until you know the shot.

      • Walt

        Remember, every time somebody fails to get a joke on the internet, an angel gets its wings ripped off.

    • So far you’ve had the same complaint about two bloggers here. Perhaps you should go elsewhere.

      • Jordan

        Crap, so I fucked this up.

        The one from the previous thread wasn’t me. I was trying to make fun of that one being directed at bspencer, without an equivalent one being directed at SEK. But, obviously, I failed. My bad.

        • John Protevi

          Nah, I got it. I thought it was well played, actually.

          • Jordan

            Ha, well thank you!

            But the intent behind the comment wasn’t to troll more valuable commenters than I am, which is pretty much what happened, so I still messed up somewhere.

            • Manju

              I feel your pain.

              • Jordan

                Yeah, but you were quoting a Senator you have an obsession with, and which people couldn’t distinguish you from. Which is weird, because as far as I can tell you hate that guy.

                But more to the point: you were intentionally trolling and, I guess, succeeded. I was not, and so pretty much failed.

                But what is your contemporary political outlook? I can’t think it is all determined by 40 year old congressional votes and occasionally funny jokes.

                • Manju

                  But what is your contemporary political outlook?

                  I’m an unprincipled libertine libertarian who considers himself the perfect liberation for liberals. I vote Dem. Enough said.

                  That means i’m unprincipled on the one issue that defines libertarianism: property rights. better yet, I’m totally principled on the issue that you think we are all glib on: civil rights. But ironically, its the latter that has caused a schism between us.

                • Jordan

                  Ok. But so what is the point of all the 50 year old DW-nominates or whatever? Does anyone here disagree that there were lots of racist democrats back in the day? No. So why do you keep bringing it up?

                  (also, fun fact: usually a north-south dimension was a better predictor than a democrat/republican one even in the bad old days).

                • Manny Kant

                  I don’t ever fully understand Manju’s point, but I think he wants to argue against attempts to argue that segregationist Southern Democrats were right wingers in general. His argument is typically that, on non-civil rights issues, many of the segregationists were actually more liberal than most of the liberal Republicans.

                  I’m not sure what conclusions we are meant to draw from this.

                • sparks

                  I’ve learned to just ignore Manju, I’m not entertained by whatever game he’s playing.

                • Manju

                  Ok. But so what is the point of all the 50 year old DW-nominates or whatever? Does anyone here disagree that there were lots of racist democrats back in the day? No. So why do you keep bringing it up?

                  I like civil rights history. Fortunately for me, so do you guys. Hardly a day goes by without a reference to it. More often than not, someone will get it wrong…and almost always in a manner that whitewashes Liberal or Dem racism.

                  Telling liberals that they have civil rights history wrong is like telling conservatives that tax cuts don’t pay for themselves. Their respective identities are interwoven with these false narratives. The resistance is heavy. If you’re going to challenge them without getting banned, you need to bring the facts. Ergo, my long lists.

                  So, I’ve been told things like (and I quote) “You also forgot to cite the fact that most of the unrepentant segregationists (Strom Thurmond etc.) joined the GOP when the Dems grew a brain”

                  Manju’s response: drops a list of Strom Thurmond’s fellow segregationist senators.

                  I’ve been told stuff like; “What part of the word “most” do you not understand? The Dixiecrats represented over a dozen states and your list is not even long enough to cover all their senators, let alone the representatives.”

                  Manju’s response: drops an even longer list…using Segregationist Congressmen instead.

                  These false narratives keep popping up. I keep shooting them down when they do.

            • Ronan

              “wasn’t to troll more valuable commenters than I am”

              There aint no ranking on value, we’re all just big beautiful babies, each as good and bad as the other

          • I got it and laughed.

            • sparks

              I chuckled, but I was more surprised at how many here took it serious.

              • Well, I don’t retain everyone’s nick/persona connection, myself, and with nym jacking it can get even more confusing. I know Jordan and I myself parodied the very comment yesterdays, so I was tuned in.

  • SEC!

    As a recovering Baptist this is completely plausible. I remember youth lessons on abortion (I was 9?), lessons on salvation (you could die on the way home! Would God accept you?), and every other egocentric theology lesson you could think of. I even learned that while the Jews were the Chosen People, well, we still had to pray for you to find the right path.

    Honestly, I’m just surprised that after your faux pas, you didn’t try to correct his hearing by saying, “The all powerful SABAN”.

  • Not sure if that was more funny or scary. I’d consider moving.

  • ironic irony

    Please, please make this a TV show. I’d DVR it.

    • Dick dynasty? Divine dynasty? The patriarch next door?

      • Guess who’s coming to sinner?

        • rea

          Breaking Weird?

          • The Wire-haired.

            • ironic irony

              Love the puns. Keep them coming.

              Keeping Up with the Whitetrashian? Of course, I don’t know if SEK’s neighbor is white trash or not, so….

  • Manta

    Is it possible that the neighbor is playing a prank on you?

    • Hm. Maybe we should google for the neighbor’s own blogging of the encounter.

      • Manta

        I wonder if on his blog there are laser eyes.

  • Manju

    SEK: Because I’m a Jew?

    SEK’S NEIGHBOR: And yet you live right next door.

    Even though he’s not jewish, you’d think he’d be more aware…I mean, with a name like Zimmerman and all.

  • How in the name of The Doctor would he react to Hanukkah celebrations?

    Lighting a candle is obviously a prelude to funny business with goats and summoning le bub de beezle.

  • Manta

    Maybe the problem could be solved by changing your facial hair: it may seem silly, but the right choice can give you the air of authority and gravitas that you need.
    Also smoking a pipe or a cigar is useful (pipe goes with beards, cigar without).

    If you have enough white hair, a Krugman or a Bernake is the obvious choice.
    If not, a Stalin conveys the idea that you enjoy a vodka or two, but can also be ruthless in reaching your goals.
    A Hitler can work if you have black hair (but I don’t know how well it would go with your cultural heritage).
    I wouldn’t recommend a Castro: too hippie-looking.

    See also
    http://www.nationalbeardregistry.org/

    • JustRuss

      But Castro’s hat was distinctive….

  • MAJeff

    And when the neighbor got home and started chatting with the family:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3mDLsyn6ns

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