Home / General / Crucial omitted detail: He was wearing bright red shorts and had tucked a yellow Polo shirt into them.

Crucial omitted detail: He was wearing bright red shorts and had tucked a yellow Polo shirt into them.

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SEK was driving to the Winn-Dixie, about a block away from his house, when a man ran into the street waving his arms wildly. SEK pulled over, thinking the man’d just chopped off some vital extremity with his lawnmower or something.

SEK: You need help?

MAN: Hey, you don’t live around here, do you?

SEK: I — are you all right?

MAN: I don’t know you.

SEK: I live just around the corner (SEK said, pointing to his domicile).

MAN: Your music was really loud.

SEK: I’m deaf, so sometimes it gets a little loud. Sorry about that, I’ll try to —

MAN: What’s with your hat? Is that a gang thing?

SEK: !?!

MAN: Well?

SEK: It’s a lazy thing. Didn’t feel like combing my hair this morning. I’ve gotta get back home soon, get to work, you know?

MAN:

And SEK drove off. On the way home, this Zimmermaning neighbor waved at SEK as he drove by.

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  • rea

    MAN: Your music is really loud.
    ALTERNATIVE SEK: So are your clothes.

    • rea

      Although, if you were playing your music so loudly he heard it in his house, causing him to run into the street to stop you, he might have a bit of a point . . . But I doubt that’s the case.

      • SEK

        He was on his lawn, I was in my car, passing by.

        • He was on his lawn, I was in my car, passing by and he wanted me to get off it.

        • KatWillow

          The bass beat from a car CAN sound very loud outside the car- louder than inside sometimes.

          • KatWillow

            The fellow may have let you know what the neighborhood gossip about you is. Better buy a keg of beer and invite the neighbors over for a house warming.

            • SEK

              I’d be amenable to that. I’m not sure he’d be, but I’ll olive-branch it.

              • efgoldman

                What would you say if one of your stoonts used “olive-branch” as a verb in a paper?

                • kgus

                  He’d probably birch-branch the kid.

                • SEK

                  I have a doctorate in English, I can do what I want to the language.

                • rea

                  “He words me, girls, he words me, that I should not be noble to myself”

  • Ah yes, the traditional mating plumage of Homo southernus.

    • Females will select a mate by determining which male most rigidly confirms to stereotypical notions of masculinity. The more garishly plumed males are assumed to have the least respect for concepts such as design, or color coordination.

      When conflict arises, males compete for dominance and the attention of the females by ostentatious displays of disdain for all things feminine, as well as an esoteric ritual experts refer to as ‘sports trivia.’

      • Although Homo southernus typically mate for life, paradoxically, acquisition of a long-term mate by one of the males may lead to loss of status or even ostracism from the pack.

        This male, having inadvertently revealed to absorbing his partner’s fondness for the television program Grey’s Anatomy, has been driven from the group with ritualized cries of ‘whipped’ and ‘queer.’ To regain his position, he must resort to out-sized displays of aggression, in this case by deliberately overcooking slabs of meat over an open flame.

        • The Dark God of Time, AKA DA

          Flavored with overpriced, oversugared, oversalted material known as BBQ sauce.

          • Lee Rudolph

            Or ketchup.

            • Barry Freed

              You need to reexamine your priorities and the meaning of your life.

            • Tony Montana

              Or vodka.

              • N__B

                Or cocaine.

        • Bartleby

          These are great comments. Well done.

          • Thanks, I had a whole series of these on facebook a couple years ago that I think are sadly lost to the mists of time. I just wanted to see if I could still do it.

        • Trollhattan

          A. Hey now, watch that “homo” stuff.
          II. I think I have a potential girlfriend for lawnwatch dude but she’s just an honorary Southerner, so there are geographical challenges to overcome.

          BILLINGS, Mont. (AP) — A woman is charged with felony drunken driving after police in Billings, Mont., say she called 911 and said she was too drunk to get out of her vehicle.

          The Billings Gazette reports (http://bit.ly/1ebGHK8 ) 55-year-old Carol Frances Omeara made an initial appearance in Yellowstone County Justice Court on Wednesday. She remained jailed Thursday on $3,000 bond.

          Omeara was arrested Tuesday night after a woman called dispatchers and said she couldn’t get out of her vehicle.

          The dispatcher asked if she was having medical or mechanical issues. Court records say the caller replied that she was too drunk.

          Prosecutors say Omeara’s blood-alcohol level was 0.311 percent, nearly four times the limit at which a driver is considered legally intoxicated. The Billings woman had the keys to the vehicle in her pocket.

          Court records say Omeara has three previous DUI convictions.

          • cpinva

            i’m amazed she was even conscious enough to dial 911. with that level of alcohol in he bloodstream, she should have been in a coma. the difference between an amateur and professional alcoholic, I suppose.

            • The Dark God of Time, AKA DA

              Indeed:

              Bulgarian doctors tested a man’s blood-alcohol level five times before accepting it was 0.914 – nearly twice the amount considered to be life-threatening.

              The 67-year-old man landed in hospital on Dec. 20 after a car knocked him off his feet in the southern Bulgarian city of Plovdiv, police and doctors said Tuesday.

              A breath test indicated blood-alcohol levels so high that police thought their equipment was broken, because the man remained conscious and talked with them.

              The head of Plovdiv police, Col. Angel Rangelov, said five separate lab tests taken the same day confirmed the man’s blood-alcohol level of 0.914.

              A blood-alcohol level of 0.55 is considered potentially fatal.

              In comparison, the Bulgarian man’s level was more than 11 times higher than the legal blood-alcohol limit for drivers in Canada, which is 0.08.

              • Trollhattan

                Zounds! Somebody in the Irony Department should contact the Guinness folks about a possible record.

                • N__B

                  You can’t get to 0.9 drinking Guiness. You’d die of flatulence first.

              • BruceJ

                Practice, lots and lots of practice, plus an ‘Avengers’-grade liver.

            • Trollhattan

              Definitely pro-level performance. That kind of BAC kills prospective fratboys during rush. Wonder whether she’s achieved the Boehner orange glow?

              • The Dark God of Time, AKA DA

                He probably has a tan to mask the broken blood vessels in his face.

                • Hogan

                  Working all day for a mean little man
                  with a clip-on tie and a rub-on tan

        • rea

          Homo southernus typically mate for life

          Close observation reveals this to be inaccurate; however, the male of the species is typically serially monogamous.

          • delurking

            …the male of the species typically claims to be serially monogamous.

            FTFY.

  • Mark

    I’m a lurker who never comments, but I must this time, just to complement SEK’s taste in music.

    • SEK

      And here I thought I was just dating myself.

      • Barry Freed

        The thought of you thinking that listening to Sleater-Kinney* dates you makes me feel old. I’ll be off in my basement now listening to Double Nickles on the Dime
        .

        *Who are awesome.

        • SEK

          The thought of you thinking that listening to Sleater-Kinney* dates you makes me feel old

          That album’s from 1999. I actually bought it when I was being courted by Indiana-Bloomington, an offer I turned down since it amounted to $14,000/year of debt. But they did have an awesome used CD store, at which I bought The Hot Rock.

          See? The entirety of that previous sentence dates us, dude.

          • Linnaeus

            Did you get a beer at Nick’s?

            • SEK

              I did not. I made it to that incredible vegan burrito place and the used CD store, but that was basically all the free time I had.

      • Sly

        I was going to object, since I saw Sleater-Kinney perform live and I don’t think I’m old. Then I remember that this took place 15 years ago. So… thanks. Asshole.

      • rea

        here I thought I was just dating myself.

        I used to do that before I had a boyfriend

        • efgoldman

          :::rimshot:::

  • Barry Freed

    SEK: I live just around the corner (SEK said, pointing to his domicile).

    I’m concerned for you, my friend. NOW HE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE!

    • SEK

      Unlike California, I’m in possession of an arsenal here. Let him bring it on: I know the key-code to the closet full of automatic weapons.

      • SEK

        Because nothing can possibly go wrong if I’m armed to the teeth. Nothing at all.

        • Hogan

          So go ahead and jump off the roof. Your the goddamn Batman.

          • Barry Freed

            +1

        • Absolutely.

          Guns are magical talismans that protect you from all possible harm.

          That’s why soldiers, police and gang members never get killed, ever.

          • SEK

            That’s why soldiers, police and gang members never get killed, ever.

            I’m not “soldiers” or “po-lice.” I’m the goddamn Batman.

            • njorl

              Batman ain’t used a gun since 1939.

              • Hogan

                Then it’s high time.

              • GFW

                Unless the gun is mounted in a vehicle.

      • KatWillow

        Keg of BEER. And maybe some Cheetos.

  • Linnaeus

    What hat were you wearing?

    • SEK

      Same one I always do: a black Mets cap turned backwards.

      • Linnaeus

        Ah, clearly a “gang thing”. Because, New York, you know.

        • SEK

          Also, Jew. (But not this kind.)

          • Linnaeus

            Hey, I saw the Sopranos episode about that!

          • Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.

            Question you are obviously not obligated to answer: Did you take a pay cut when you went from teaching to your current gig(s)?

            • SEK

              I’m making about the same — obviously, I have a few more jobs than I used to — but I’m working fewer hours (albeit much more exhausting ones, because new tasks require more intellectual energy and all) than when I was teaching, but my money goes a lot further.

              So, um, “no”?

              • Lee Rudolph

                Does the goingfurtherness of the money flow from anything besides the (I’d assume, enormous) difference between general expenses of living in Orange County vs. wherever-you-are-in-Lousiana? (I’d count less miles of commuting as not a “difference between general expenses of living”, but not cheaper gasoline.)

                • SEK

                  Yep. I’m renting half of a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 2 office house for a third of what my rent was in California. It’s significantly cheaper, even not counting the commute.

              • Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.

                but my money goes a lot further

                The South is cheaper than Cali?

          • liberalrob

            Do not underestimate the karate skills of Jews: http://youtu.be/CfNdovRsZYw

            • Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.

              There is also Jewdo.

              • Hogan

                And Jewjitsu.

                • efgoldman

                  Jew know hudo and hu hiTsu?

            • It’s as nothing as compared to ecky thump.

  • joe from Lowell

    What’s up with the hat and the music?

    You’re one of those riot grrl gangsters, aren’t you?

    • SEK

      If the hat fits, I’m wearing it, because why not?

  • Vance Maverick

    I’d like to single out the opening here for admiration:

    SEK was driving to the Winn-Dixie, about a block away from his house

    Could any framing be more concise? For this reader, “Winn-Dixie” is a pure genre signifier, like gas “fires” that take “shillings” in midcentury English novels, but it’s a flavorful one.

    • Rigby Reardon

      Seconded. My parents were too cheap / poor (they were intentionally vague about which) to shop at Publix when I was growing up, so the phrase “Winn Dixie” carries a lot of baggage and holds a lot of meaning for me.

      • joe from Lowell

        Interesting.

        I just read it as “lives in a Southern town.”

      • Cody

        I used to shop in a Winn-Dixie in southern Indiana…

        I guess that must have been as far north as it ever crept. The place was pretty gross.

    • Barry Freed

      Thanks for pointing that out for this native born New Yorker. And it’s a doubly potent signifier on account of the about a block away from his house bit.

      • Barry Freed

        On reading Sharculese’s comment below, maybe I just read that wrong.

        • Barry Freed

          Indeed. Nevermind.

          • Vance Maverick

            I made the same mistake, and thought, “none more American”.

    • GoDeep

      Still doesn’t have the punch of “Piggly Wiggly”.

      • catclub

        Jitney Jungle got its name from and advert typo.

        It should be Jitney Jingle.

        Plus Winn-Dixie means still refusing to shop at the Walmart Supercenter. Snob.

        • Ahuitzotl

          That was my first thought too – middle-class, not shopping at Sams Club or Walmart

      • J. R. in W. Va.

        Piggly Wiggly was a tiny food store in my home town, and I always thought they had gone out of business, but just a little while ago the older of the two grocery stores in my new home town renamed itself Piggly Wiggly from Galaxy…

        whoculdaknowed? still in business and close to home to boot!

  • What a stupid post. I can’t believe you’re wasting our time with this frivolous shit. You’re a front-pager? Geez, you should pack up your shit and quit blogging forever. You’re a terrible person. I hate that you took my hand and forced me to click on this post. I especially hate that you held my eyelids open with toothpicks leaving me no choice but read your idiocy.

    Oh wait. SEK is a dude? Oh, well, then nevermind. Carry on.

    • No, but, for reals, these posts always crack me up. bspencer is a fan of SEK’s wild and wacky “Welcome to MY World” posts.

      (No, really. They crack me up and I’m jealous more awesome shit like this doesn’t happen to me. Maybe I should leave the house once in awhile.)

      • You’re a mom, B. I suspect surreal just seems normal to you now.

        • You’ve got a point there.

          • BigHank53

            Usually when people start searching online for posts about nudity and bodily fluids they’re not thinking of toddlers.

            I hope.

      • I’m just impressed that the absurdity of his existence followed him across the country.

        • I know!

        • Kurzleg

          Which ought to tell us something about the kind of guy SEK is and high place in the cosmic hierarchy.

          • Kurzleg

            …his high place…

            • Kurzleg

              BTW, SEK made me omit that possessive pronoun. That’s the kind of cosmic power he possesses.

              • Ahuitzotl

                another sockpuppet, SEK?

        • NonyNony

          SEK is clearly a “weirdness magnet”.

          At some point we’re going to get a story about how he showed up at home and found Bigfoot sitting in his recliner, eating his Cheetos and watching football on his TV. This is to be expected. And in fact would be less weird that the whole “finding people having sex in his office” and its aftermath.

          • If Bigfoot shows up in the home of The Jew Kaufman, will that finally prove that SASQUATCH ISREAL?

            • ISRAEL, dammit

            • efgoldman

              will that finally prove that SASQUATCH ISREAL?

              It might prove that Sasquatch keeps kosher, and doesn’t eat that traef beef jerky.

        • Lee Rudolph

          It doesn’t follow him.

          He tracks it to its various lairs.

        • SEK

          I think I just have one of those faces, makes people want to absurd me.

          (But only because I prefer that to other more all-encompassing explanations.)

          • Anna in PDX

            Maybe you just have a keen grasp of the absurd? Maybe these things happen to us and we just don’t pay attention to them? Seriously though, I cannot express how much I love reading these stories and the text adventure game things.

            • The strangest thing that ever happened to me was that a mistaken for another person by a third person who didn’t know either of us.

              I am not making this up.

      • SEK

        My only (future) regret is now that I’m an actual news reporter-person, I won’t be able to write up my own utterly improbable death, which I’m sure will be awesome.

        • Jeffrey Beaumont

          Not to jinx you or curse you, but that thought has definitely occurred to me.

        • BigHank53

          ….why not? Write it up a couple different times. Post it, take it down five hours later. Why should that jerk Andy (any relation?) be the only person whose actual death resulted in thousands of people insisting it must be a prank?

      • Anna in PDX

        Maybe you should start writing up your thoughts as text adventure games. That would definitely make all the He Man Woman Haters sit up and take notice!

        Actually, fuck them.

        • efgoldman

          >>SEK gets into his car.
          >>He can go left, toward Winn Dixie, or right, to the moonshine stand.

          • Anna in PDX

            Love!

        • Ahuitzotl

          Actually, fuck them

          Please, dont, it’ll just encourage them

    • SEK

      +1

    • Barry Freed

      Touché. I think I’ve seen that same tired shit about half a dozen times at least.

  • See, real Southerners are friendly. They’ll chat you up before they shoot you. (Unless you’re black.)

  • Manta

    “Zimmermaning neighbor”: was he packing heat?

    • John (not McCain)

      Only a guitar and the truth.

      • Ahuitzotl

        “This machine kills absurdists”

  • I was in Springfield Missouri a while back.

    When I was eating dinner at a restaurant I noticed a large table full of young men, probably in their 20s.

    They were all dressed in jeans, work boots, a t-shirt with either a Harley Davidson logo or something hunting related and a baseball cap, likewise with a logo.

    They might as well all have been wearing a uniform.

    • GoDeep

      I was in Springfield, MO once. Saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that read: “Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Sounds like it should be a convenience store, not a government agency.”

      ‘Nuff said.

      • Helmut Monotreme

        In Wisconsin, the joke is that was what was needed for a good camping trip.

    • brettvk

      I live in Springfield, MO. You mean there are places where crowds of young men don’t wears jeans/workboots/camo/logos?

  • Sherm

    He should have yelled at you for driving one block to the store rather than walking.

    • joe from Lowell

      +1

    • It’s ambiguously worded, but I’m going to be charitable and assume SEK meant he was on his way to Winn-Dixie and had made it a block from his house.

      • Anna in PDX

        You are smarter than me! I read it as “wow, SEK is pretty much the laziest of bums” before remembering that going to the grocery store might be a lot easier than coming back fully laden…

        • Sherm

          Don’t be so hard on yourself — it was ambiguous. And your interpretation was supported by SEK’s admission that he was wearing a Mets hat because he was too lazy to comb his hair.

          SEK was driving to the Winn-Dixie, about a block away from his house, on his way to the Winn-Dixie, when a man ran into the street waving his arms wildly. SEK pulled over, thinking the man’d just chopped off some vital extremity with his lawnmower or something.

          • SEK

            My life is besotted with editors, it is, it is.

            • Vance Maverick

              s/besotted/beset

              • SEK

                No, I was going for the drunken effect.

                • Sherm

                  Since I’m playing editor, is it “drunken effect” or “drunken affect”? I’m leaning towards the latter.

            • njorl

              Better besotted than besodden.

          • No blood, no foul.

      • Sherm

        You’re probably right.

      • SEK

        The Winn-Dixie’s a mile or two from my house, I was just a block or two from said house when this encounter happened.

        Though, honestly, there’s nothing shameful about driving to the grocery store on a serious trip if you’re bringing back food for a few weeks, especially if it includes tubs of water.

        • ChrisTS

          Tubs of water? You don’t have water at this house?

          • SEK

            We do, but also hurricanes, so we have to keep stock, lest we dehydrate to death in a national tragedy.

            • Dude, this is America. It can’t happen here.

              • rea

                Not in Louisiana, surely

                • ChrisTS

                  Not with FEMA on the job. Oh… right.

              • David Hunt

                Dude, this is America. It can’t happen here.

                Dude, this is SEK. It can happen, and probably will, just so that SEK can return to his home after a full day of saving hurricane victims to find two Tulane University Students have sex in his living room.

                • DrS

                  Of course, the hurricane would only affect SEK.

  • Johnny Sack

    I grew up in Florida and yet I still think it’s hilarious that there’s a southern grocery store named Winn-Dixie. I’ll take a Pube Licks when I can.

    I don’t think I’ll ever move somewhere without a nearby Wegmans now. Growing up I never realized grocery stores were allowed to be that good, and I don’t want to lose it.

    • Lee Rudolph

      Where, oh where is the love for Piggly Wiggly???

      (ObThreadTie: checking the spelling, I learn from the corporate website that PW was “America’s first true self-service grocery store”. Wow.)

      • Anonymous

        This is true. There is a reproduction of the first ever PW in the Pink Palace museum in Memphis. The entire store would just about fit into a Costco shopping cart.

        • Joey Maloney

          Sorry, that was me.

          • Lee Rudolph

            It would have been perfectly reasonable to have made that comment anonymously.

            • Joey Maloney

              What do you mean?

              • Lee Rudolph

                An unsuccessful attempt at lighthearted snarkitude about the Pink Palace. Excuse my ineptitude.

        • Halloween Jack

          I love that exhibit, with its little signs explaining to customers that they couldn’t break up prepackaged staples like flour to buy just a cup of it or something. It’s my second-favorite exhibit at the PP, next to the mastodon skeleton that some kids found in a ditch up in Raleigh (IIRC).

      • efgoldman

        I learn from the corporate website that PW was “America’s first true self-service grocery store”.

        Loomis must hate them with the fire of a thousand Andouille Sausages.

    • ironic irony

      I’m a displaced Yankee in Florida, and having lived in the South during my enlistment (and my husband’s Army career), nothing beats Food Lion for grocery store nastiness. Nothing.

      • ChrisTS

        Oh god. There is one on Topsail Island, NC, and it is the worst of the worst. We don’t even go in there because the ‘vegetables’ and ‘fruit’ might reach out and consume us.

        • You must never have encountered a truly awful IGA.

          • Sherm

            Some IGA’s are excellent. Plus, where I grew up, the not so excellent IGA never carded us when we were 16, so IGA’s are generally ok in my eyes.

            • Barry Freed

              Thanks for that comment, this subthread was in danger of turning into the Four Yorkshiremen sketch.

            • Well yeah, the I part assures that IGAs are going to vary widely in quality. But the truly bad ones are the nastiest places I’ve ever seen.

              • The Dark God of Time, AKA DA

                We had one in my home town here in CA, but they’re not a chain like Safeway or Ralphs:

                IGA is a brand of grocery stores active in more than 30 countries. Contrasting with the chain store business model, IGA operates as a franchise through stores that are owned separately from the brand. Many of these stores operate in small town markets and belong to families that manage them. It was founded in the United States as the Independent Grocers Alliance. The headquarters are in Chicago, Illinois.[1]

                You probably just went to IGA stores that had shitty maintenance.

                • Yeah, I know they’re all independently owned. That’s what I meant by ‘vary widely in quality’.

                • Also, I should note the IGA I’m thinking of was previously a Piggly Wiggly.

                • But that was back before the really southern grocery chains started to disappear from Atlanta.

                • The Dark God of Time, AKA DA

                  Here in California there were chains like Mayfair, Brentwood, statewide, and in the San Francisco Bay Area there were some local chains, they usually had full deli service before it became the norm for the larger trans-state chains.

                  The IGA here had to compete with a large independent grocery store and a Safeway until the late 50s, so they had to be clean. Californians have a low toleration for filth, outside the political system.

      • Rigby Reardon

        All the HEB stores in Austin, Texas that I’ve seen are easily Food Lion-bad.

        • Shwell Thanksh

          I’m guessing you are probably completely unaware that the posh and upscale “Central Market” grocery stores here are HEBs too (or perhaps have never been inside one).

          To steal a quote from Bobby Hill, “Dad! Dad! They have eight kinds of ketchup, and three kinds of catsup!” Also too: very fresh arugula.

        • Shell Goddamnit

          This term “bad” applied to grocery stores…what does it mean, exactly? It’s like “drives nice” in regard to cars. People often mean, apparently, that the car is quiet and rides smoothly, while for me “drives nice” means that it moves fast and is agile, and fuck all that smooth and quiet shit. So I’m wondering if a lot of people want something entirely different from their grocery stores than I do, which is 1) decent produce, including the markers: kale and flat italian parsley and 2) adequate meat, including non-frozen fresh chicken and 3) a dairy case that doesn’t stink and keeps the dairy items cold. I just haven’t seen the HEBs as bad stores. Is it the lighting? Your fellow shoppers? What’s actually better that isn’t Upmarket Whole Central? I mean, I like Fiesta okay too, but it’s not much better than HEB.

    • Sargasso Sink

      What about Harris-Teeter? Since you said “Pube Licks,” I feel comfortable sharing that H-T makes me think “Harry T*ts.” That’s probably just me. Still, it’s a funny name.

      • cpinva

        rumor has it that piggly-wiggly and harris-teeter once considered merging, with the resulting entity to be named “Piggly-Wiggly Teeters”. fortunately, for the quality level of stand-up comedy everywhere, the merger never went through.

        i’ll go sit in the corner in shame.

    • Wegmans is the best place on earth. Srsly.

      Although I recently visited my first Whole Paycheck and kinda wanted to move in.

      • Lee Rudolph

        Sometime or other in the last decade, I had occasion to be put up in an extended-stay motel (for, as it happened, a not particularly extended stay) a few blocks away from the Whole Foods mothership.

        Dear god, it is huge. Providence has a small Whole Foods, and a large Whole Foods. The fresh produce section at the Austin store is larger than the large Providence store.

        Pity that the owner is such an asshole.

        • The Whole Foods I went to was small…but had some of the most gorgeous produce I’d ever seen.

          Wegmans has a ginormous produce section. That’s why it’s the best place on earth.

          • Sherm

            I stopped in there last Spring to pick up some organic jelly beans for my son (it was my first time in the store), and was pretty damn impressed. I wondered around inside thinking, “damn, I really need to reconsider my boycott.”

            • rea

              Do stay away from the inorganic jelly beans

              • Ahuitzotl

                but the Oppenheimer-purple ones glow so pretty!

          • Matt_L

            Wegmans is easily the best grocery store in the known Universe. I miss it terribly. They are far superior to any Whole Foods I have ever visited. I think of the emptiness of my life now that I do not live near a Wegmans. The absence of Whole Foods has never filled me with existential doubt.

            The Price Chopper in Binghamton NY is the best for people watching.

      • JoyfulA

        Yes, Wegmans. I went there yesterday for apples. The biggest selection and lowest price, in the nicest grocery store environment ever. (As I approached checkout, an employee dashed over to a closed register: “I can help you here!”)

        If only I had a Trader Joe’s closer than 60 miles north, 60 miles south, or 100 miles east.

        • I also visited my first Trader Joe’s and dug it a lot. (The Whole Foods and Trader Joes are right next to each other.)

          • sparks

            Around here, that rarely happens. Whole Foods tends towards placement in rich outlying suburbs, whereas Trader Joe’s tend towards rich inner suburbs.

          • Sherm

            Try their frozen Indian food, especially the veggie masala burgers.

      • News Nag

        I’ll share my pet name for it- Whole Foods Markup. If I had my druthers, every Whole Foods would be filled floor to ceiling with imported organic vomit.

      • Canandaigua

        Absolutely.

        Though it may lose a star depending on how the part timers
        make out on the exchanges.

  • njorl

    SEK: I live just around the corner (SEK said, pointing to his domicile).

    MAN: Your music was really loud.

    You have to play it really loud if you want to hear it out in your car. Even so, I get a 1/4 mile from home and I can’t hear it at all.

    • efgoldman

      :::ba-dum-dum:::

  • joe from Lowell

    Pro Tip: you can play Ministry as loud as you want, and nobody says shit to you.

    • BigHank53

      Except another Ministry fan…which is usually enough to keep one from repeating the exercise. Also recommended: Boss’s “I Don’t Give a Fuck”.

  • liberalrob

    I just love the fact that this gentleman thought flagging down a potential gangster thug for playing his music too loud while driving in the neighborhood would have no possible repercussions. That’s real Darwin Awards stuff, there.

    • zombie rotten mcdonald, shambling dog of the imperialists

      How was he to know he was flagging down the SEK Absurdity Wagon?

      • Barry Freed

        Does SEK drive a ’64 Chevy Malibu?

        • zombie rotten mcdonald

          find one in every car.

          • joe from Lowell

            What’s in the trunk?

            • John Revolta

              Oh…………you don’t want to look in there.

              • ljdramone

                Never broke into a car, never hotwired a car. Never broke into a truck. “I shall not cause harm to any vehicle nor the personal contents thereof, nor through inaction let the personal contents thereof come to harm.” It’s what I call the Repo Code, kid! Not many people got a code to live by anymore.

  • MAN: Hey, you don’t live around here, do you?

    If he was white, this would have been the point where my flight or flight reflexes kicked in.

    • Anonymous

      definitely fight.

      “and now you don’t neither muthafucker”

  • Halloween Jack

    Did he threaten to put All Hands On The Bad One?

  • In the neighborhood where I live, there was this inconsiderate chap who would impose the sounds of his automobile’s stereo system upon everyone within a mile radius. Even though he had no trouble walking, he would use his automobile to go to the store, only a mile away. I thought that had to be because he liked to impose upon others with excessively loud music, when an iPod would have sufficed for a pedestrian on a short walk. So I tried to talk to him and imply that he was not behaving as neighborly as he should be – I thought that if I simply commanded him to stop bothering everyone who had to live around his loud music, he would not do so. He acted as if I was the one with the problem. He told me the weakest of all possible excuses in the most condescending manner possible. I was taken aback with incredulity towards him. It shames me, but with such compulsion I subtly insulted his poor grooming and superfluous hat visor, which was worn towards the back in the stereotypical inconsiderate douche bro style. He didn’t get it.

  • LuigiDaMan

    One word: Move.

  • TapirBoy1

    On the one hand, I am very sorry things like this continually happen to you, since you seem like a nice man and I enjoy your writing.

    On the other hand, I am grateful things like this continually happen to you since I enjoy your writing.

  • Manju

    Crickets are chirpin’, the water is high
    There’s a soft cotton dress on the line hangin’ dry
    Strange fruit, Southern trees
    Bent over backwards from a hurricane breeze
    No word of hello, nothing of the sort
    Coming from the man
    In the bright red shorts

    Somebody seen him hanging around
    On SEK”s lawn, on the outskirts of town
    He looked into his eyes when he stopped him to ask
    If he lived around here, he had a face like a flask
    Somebody said, he answered to “Schwartz”
    He peed on himself
    And his bright red shorts

  • KadeKo

    South Park’s latest has a title referring to Zimmerman. Anyone seen it?

    I’m hoping someone can tell me it’s not a waste of my time, given Parker and Stone’s “non-agenda” agenda and low signal-to-noise ratio.

  • STH

    Do Suwanee Swifty stores still exist? I worked in one for a while when I was attending Florida State. Not the best job I’ve had, but not the worst, either.

    Had a conversation with my honey today about Southern food because we have a friend that’s in North Carolina doing a bike ride.

    Me: Hopefully he’s stocking up on Moon Pies and boiled peanuts while he’s in the South.

    Partner, who’s from the UK: I don’t have any idea what you just said; I’d starve to death in the South, wouldn’t I?

    Me: No, no, Southern people are proud of their rep for hospitality, they’d feed you.

    Partner: Then they’d shoot you.

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