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ATTENTION: New Internet Tradition

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After spraining my entire back yesterday, I woke up in a mood this morning. So when I was assaulted on Facebook by a series of positive messages about how I should be optimistic about everything, and because I’m an asshole, I wrote:

Just so you know, every time you post one of those “inspirational” or “optimistic” quotations on Facebook, in my head I append “So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman” to the end of it.

But this should totally be a thing. Like so:

If you don’t know how to edit things on the Internet, well, all the better. The people who double-rainbow-with-wolf-and-moon these things don’t either. What have you got?

UPDATE: So:

So thank you laura:

Also:

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  • Malaclypse

    That man is the product of causes which had no prevision of the end they were achieving; that his origin, his growth, his hopes and fears, his loves and his beliefs, are but the outcome of accidental collocations of atoms; that no fire, no heroism, no intensity of thought and feeling, can preserve an individual life beyond the grave; that all the labors of the ages, all the devotion, all the inspiration, all the noonday brightness of human genius, are destined to extinction in the vast death of the solar system, and that the whole temple of man’s achievement must inevitably be buried beneath the debris of a universe in ruins — all these things, if not quite beyond dispute, are yet so nearly certain that no philosophy which rejects them can hope to stand. Only within the scaffolding of these truths, only on the firm foundation of unyielding despair, can the soul’s salvation henceforth be safely built. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.

  • Malaclypse

    For forty-three years of my conscious life I have remained a revolutionist; for forty-two of them I have fought under the banner of Marxism. If I had to begin all over again I would of course try and avoid this or that mistake, but the main course of my life would remain unchanged. I shall die a proletarian revolutionist, a Marxist, a dialectical materialist, and, consequently, an irreconcilable atheist. My faith in the communist future of mankind is not less ardent, indeed it is firmer today, than it was in the days of my youth. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.

  • Malaclypse

    You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who’ll decide where to go. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.

    • rm

      Dr. Seuss sounds remarkably like a hard-boiled detective in that passage. SJOTB,YTGDB

  • efgoldman

    When people make a contract with the devil and give him an air-conditioned office to work in, he doesn’t go back home easily. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamned Batman.

    I believe every…man remembers the girl he thinks he should have married. She reappears to him in his lonely moments, or he sees her in the face of a young girl in the park, buying a snowball under an oak tree by the baseball diamond. But she belongs to back there, to somebody else, and that thought sometimes rends your heart in a way that you never share with anyone else. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamned Batman.

    Why do I always feel like you’re trying to staple my umbilical cord to the corner of your desk? So jump off that building, you’re the goddamned Batman.

  • rm

    BATMAN: Let’s leave inconspicuously, Robin — through the window. (produces rope from utility belt)
    ROBIN: Let’s jump off the building. You’re the goddamned Batman.

    • efgoldman

      +2 for the late win.

  • SEK

    I don’t deserve y’all, yet here you are.

  • CD

    il n’y a pas de hors-texte. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamned Batman.

  • Malaclypse

    Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondsman’s two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said “So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.”

  • CD

    I do not know which to prefer,
    The beauty of inflections
    Or the beauty of innuendoes,
    Batman jumping,
    Or just after.

  • ChrisTS

    So, pedant here: why the apparent shifting between concern and unconcern for correctly using ‘your’ and ‘you’re’?

    • harmfulguy

      That, too, is an Internet Tradition.

  • John Protevi

    I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. So the least you could do is jump off that building, seeing as how you’re the goddamn Batman.

  • Malaclypse

    I may have fucked up my life flatter’n hammered shit, but I stand here before you today beholden to no human cocksucker, and holdin’ a workin’ fuckin’ gold claim, and not the U.S. government tellin’ me I’m trespassin’, or the savage fuckin’ red man or any of these other limber-dick cocksuckers passin’ themselves off as prospectors had better try and stop me. So fucking jump off that fucking building, you’re the goddamn fucking Batman.

  • harmfulguy

    I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, “So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.”

  • Darek

    The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll look down and whisper “Jump off that building, you’re all the goddamn Batman”

    • Darek

      Some variety:

      The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Jump off that building!”… and I’ll look down and whisper “I’m the goddamn Batman”

  • badjim

    And Moses went up from the plains of Moab unto mount Nebo, to the top of Pisgah, that is over against Jericho. And Jehovah showed him all the land of Gilead, unto Dan, and all Naphtali, and the land of Ephraim and Manasseh, and all the land of Judah, unto the hinder sea, and the South, and the Plain of the valley of Jericho the city of palm-trees, unto Zoar. And Jehovah said unto him, This is the land which I sware unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, saying, I will give it unto thy seed: I have caused thee to see it with thine eyes, but thou shalt not go over thither. So jump off the mountain, you’re the goddamn Batman.

    • Joseph Nobles

      Then the devil took Jesus to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the goddamn Batman,” he said, “jump off the building. For it is written: ‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. So jump off the building, you’re the goddamn Batman.’” Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Where’s your Messiah now, see?’ For, lo, I am the Messiah, not the goddamn Batman. Are you sure you are in the right graphic novel?” And the devil answered him, “Fair enough.”

      • badjim

        Luke, huh? I stuck Matthew somewhere upthread.

        It is a truth universally acknowledged that all happy families are alike. So what else is not to be overcome? Many are cooled, few are frozen. As you sew, so shall you rip.

        More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! So jump off the building, you’re the goddamn Santa.

        • Lee Rudolph

          There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands’ necks. Anything can happen. You can even jump off the building: you’re the goddamned Batman.

    • badjim

      I came, I saw, I conquered, and I jumped off that building, because I’m goddamn Batman. Of arms and the man I sing, because I can fly. The ants are our friends, they’re blowing in the wind.

      I sit in one of the dives on Fifty-second Street, uncertain and afraid, as the clever hopes expire of a low dishonest decade, but I’m going to take the elevator to the roof and jump off that building, because I’m a Gotham bad man!

      • badjim

        As Daedalus said to Icarus, jump off that building! Trust me, I’m you’re father. What’s the worst that can happen?

        How the Chimney-sweepers cry
        Every blackning Church appalls,
        And the hapless Soldiers sigh
        Runs in blood down Palace walls

        That’s why I jump off that building. Because I’m goddamn William Blake.

      • Origami Isopod

        because I’m a Gotham bad man!

        This is genius.

  • Incontinentia Buttocks

    Maybe you did fool the Philadelphia, rag the Rochester, josh the Joliet. But you never did the Kenosha kid. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman!

    • The Kenosha Kid

      :D

  • NBarnes

    A real post from my real Facebook, suitably edited

    “You were born with potential.
    You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness.
    You were born with wings.
    You are not meant for crawling, so don’t.
    You have wings.
    Learn to use them and fly.
    So jump off that building,
    You’re the goddamn Batman.” – Rumi

  • Manta
  • Breadbaker

    In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort. So jump off the building. You’re the goddamn Batman.

  • Uncle Ebeneezer

    Do, or do not. There is no try. So jump off the building. You’re the goddamn Batman.

    Ps this is pretty damn funny.

    • Uncle Ebeneezer

      Whoops accidental duplicate. Feel free to delete.

  • Joseph Nobles

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to jump off the building, I’m the goddamn Batman.

    • Gregor Sansa

      That’s a really good one, Batman.

      • Lee Rudolph

        We are all Batman.

        There is, however, only one goddamn building.

  • rea

    …I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish Wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will jump off that building because I’m the goddam Batman . . .

    • dn

      It really says something about the readership of this blog that two people separately thought of this one.

  • Gregor Sansa

    Hail to thee, blithe Linnet
    Bird thou truly art
    Who from on bush – or in it
    Poureth thy full Heart
    And lead the heav’nly choir in Song
    Taking the Treble Part.
    So off the Building thou must jump,
    Goddamnéd Man of Bat thou art.

    (It’s not Shelley, but Belvane. Props to anyone who knows where Belvane comes from)

  • Gregor Sansa

    Y cuando se despertó, el dinosaurio seguía tirándose del edificio, siendo el maldito Batman.

    …Also, I’m contractually required to do these two:

    After that, the three of them left the flat together, which was something they had not done for months, and took the tram out to the open country outside the town. They had the tram, filled with warm sunshine, all to themselves. Leant back comfortably on their seats, they discussed their prospects and found that on closer examination they were not at all bad – until then they had never asked each other about their work but all three had jobs which were very good and held particularly good promise for the future. The greatest improvement for the time being, of course, would be achieved quite easily by moving house; what they needed now was a flat that was smaller and cheaper than the current one which had been chosen by G, one that was in a better location and, most of all, more practical. All the time, Grete was becoming livelier. With all the worry they had been having of late her cheeks had become pale, but, while they were talking, Mr. and Mrs. S were struck, almost simultaneously, with the thought of how their daughter was blossoming into a well built and beautiful young lady. They became quieter. Just from each other’s glance and almost without knowing it they agreed that it would soon be time to find a good man for her. And, as if in confirmation of their new dreams and good intentions, as soon as they reached their destination Grete was the first to get up and jump off the building, for she was the goddamned Batman.

    Oh, shut up, you little fool. Praying for the Gods to have mercy on us all? The Gods have no mercy, that’s why they are Gods. My father told me that when he caught me praying. My mother has just died, you see. I didn’t really understand the concept of death. The finality of it. I thought if I jumped off the building, the Gods would return her to me. I thought I was the goddamned batman.

    • Gregor Sansa

      Asking only workman’s wages
      I come looking for a job
      But I get no offers,
      Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
      I do declare, there were times I jumped right off the building,
      Goddamned Batman, I was there.

      ….

      Ragz to richez or so they say
      Ya gotta-keep pushin’
      for the fortune and fame
      It’s all a gamble
      When it’s just a game
      Ya jump right off of the building this time
      Goddamned Batman you are, about fucking time

      ….

      Did you write the book of love
      And do you have faith in God above
      If the Bible tells you so?
      Now do you believe in rock and roll
      Can music save your mortal soul
      And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

      Well, I know that you’re in love with him
      ‘Cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym
      You both kicked off your shoes
      Man, I dig those rhythm and blues

      I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
      With a pink carnation and a pickup truck
      But I knew I was out of luck
      The day the Batman jumped.

      [Chorus]
      I started singin’ jump, jump, goddamned Batman you chump,
      Off that building you’ve been gilding like a lily in trumps,
      Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey on stumps
      Singin’ “When he lands he’ll make a big thump,
      When he lands he’ll make a big thump.”

      • Bartleby

        Well done, sir.

    • Gregor Sansa

      If it had not been for these things, I might have lived out my life talking at street corners to scorning men. I might have died, unmarked, unknown, a failure. Now we are the goddamned Batman. This is our career and our triumph. Never in our full life could we hope to do such work for tolerance, for justice, for man’s understanding of man as now we do by accident. Our words — our lives — our pains — nothing! The jumping off the building — the house of a good shoemaker and a poor fish-peddler — all! That last moment belongs to us — that agony is our triumph.

    • Gregor Sansa

      Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
      The proper study of mankind is man.
      Plac’d on this isthmus of a middle state,
      A being darkly wise, and rudely great:
      With too much knowledge for the sceptic side,
      With too much weakness for the Stoic’s pride,
      He hangs between; in doubt to act, or rest;
      In doubt to deem himself a God, or beast;
      In doubt his mind or body to prefer;
      Born but to die, and reas’ning but to err;
      Alike in ignorance, his reason such,
      Whether he thinks too little or too much:
      Chaos of thought and passion, all confus’d;
      Still by himself abus’d or disabus’d;
      Created half to rise, and half to fall;
      Great lord of all things, yet a prey to all;
      Sole judge of truth, from yonder building hurl’d:
      The goddamned Batman, the hero of the world!

    • gregor sansa

      I posted more than my share, but also got more than my share of enjoyment from others’ posts. SJOTBYTGB.

      • Gregor Sansa

        I mean, thanks.

  • N__B

    It was a close place. I took it up, and held it in my hand. I was a trembling, because I’d got to decide, forever, betwixt two things, and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself:

    “All right, then, I’ll go to hell. But first I’m gonna jump off this building because I’m the goddamned Batman.”

  • joe from Lowell

    When you think the night has seen your mind
    That inside you’re twisted and unkind
    Let me stand to show that you are blind
    Please put down your hands
    ‘Cause I see you
    So jump off the building; you’re the goddam Batman.

  • oaguabonita

    rather sad how all iterations after the first replaced “you’re” with “your”

    • Bartleby

      I think it’s actually going with the theme of frequently misspelled words/names in the inspirational quotes posted to Facebook. I just saw some word salad attributed to a “President Ronald Regan” so it’s much more common than you might expect.

      • Lee Rudolph

        Could have been worse. Could have been President Ronald Goneril.

  • Creature

    “We have learned that if a solution isn’t practical, it isn’t spiritual.” So jump of the building, your the goddam Batman!

  • Creature

    “We have learned that if a solution isn’t practical, it isn’t spiritual.” So jump off the building, your the goddam Batman!

  • Creature

    FYWP- so jump off the building, your the goddam Batman!

  • dn

    And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.

    There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.

  • The Kenosha Kid

    Someday girl I don’t know when
    we’re gonna get to that place
    Where we really wanna go
    and we’ll walk in the sun
    But till then batmen like us
    baby we were born to jump off the roof

  • Mungen Cakes

    With what blessedness does truth of affection invest our situation. It adds to the transitory life of man a heavenly certainty. It is the crown and the capital of all that we possess. So jump off that building, you’re the God damn Batman.

  • Mothra1

    I work in a middle school two days a week, and the hallways are full of signs that say “The Difference between Ordinary and Extraordinary is that little Extra” and “Your Attitude almost always determines your Altitude in Life”. At this point, it feels like the signs are breathing down my neck, or shouting at me, as I walk down the hall. Maybe this will help.

    Don’t Decide that You Can’t Before You Discover that You Can-so jump off that building, you’re the goddamn BATMAN!

  • mds

    Right well in heart they know thee for the goddamn’ Batman.
    Arise, go forth and jump off that building.

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    The courage to change the things I can,
    And the wisdom to jump off that building, since I’m the goddamn’ Batman.

  • mds

    “You promised me, Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
    But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
    Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

    The Lord replied,
    “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I was jumping off a building, because I’m the goddamn’ Batman.”

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  • Halloween Jack

    The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but jumping off that building and the goddamn Batman happen to them all.

    There’s a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation:
    Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the
    righteous man is beset on all sides
    by the inequities of the selfish and
    the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is
    he who, in the name of charity and
    good will, shepherds the weak through
    the valley of darkness, for he is
    truly his brother’s keeper and the
    finder of lost children. And I will
    strike down upon thee with great
    vengeance and furious anger those
    who attempt to poison and destroy my
    brothers. And you will know my name
    is the goddamn Batman when I jump off
    that building upon you.”

    THE GODDAMN BATMAN
    Get is straight, Buster. I’m not
    here to say “please.”I’m here to
    tell you want to do. And if self-
    preservation is an instinct you
    possess, you better fuckin’ do it
    and do it quick. I’m here to help.
    If my help’s not appreciated, lotsa
    luck gentlemen.

    JULES
    It ain’t that way, Mr. Batman. Your
    help is definitely appreciated.

    VINCENT
    I don’t mean any disrespect. I just
    don’t like people barkin’ orders at
    me.

    THE GODDAMN BATMAN
    If I’m curt with you, it’s because
    time is a factor. I think fast, I
    talk fast, and I need you guys to
    act fast if you want to get out of
    this. So pretty please, with sugar
    on top, jump off that fuckin’ building.

    Business bad? Fuck you, jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman. Place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.

    ‘Cause the good new is you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, all you’ve got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting with tonight. Starting with tonight’s sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody wanna see second prize? Second prize’s a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. Do you get the picture? Are you laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them! You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks, pal, and beat it ’cause you’re jumping off the roof, you’re the goddamn Batman!!!

  • Bobby Thomson

    One will rarely err if extreme actions be ascribed to vanity, ordinary actions to habit, and mean actions to fear. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.

  • Bobby Thomson

    God is dead. so jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.

  • Bobby Thomson

    Of all that is written, I love only what a person has written with his own blood. So jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.

    Yep, always works with Nietzsche.

    • Lee Rudolph

      He who fights with goddamn Batman should look to it that he himself does not become a goddamn Batman. And when you jump long off a building the building also jumps off of you.

      • rm

        I like this other translation:

        Battle not with Jokers, lest ye become a Joker. And when you gaze into the Batcave, the Batcave gazes also into you.

  • Halloween Jack

    Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how much I make a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. Do you know what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop going into work? A business big enough that it could be listed on the NASDAQ goes belly up. Disappears! It ceases to exist without me. No, you clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Alfred. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and jumps off the building and you think that of me? No. I am the goddamn Batman!

    • Gregor Sansa

      Well done. I was trying to work that one out, but I couldn’t; you solved it well, including the “Alfred”.

      But last night’s episode sucked. Such a strong episode a week ago, and then now they had nowhere left to take it. Oh well.

  • “I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something. What you know, you can’t explain. But you feel it. You felt it your entire life. That there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there. Like a splinter in your mind – driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I’m talking about? So jump off the goddamn building already! You’re the goddamn Batman!”

  • biggerbox

    LET us go then, you and I,
    When the evening is spread out against the sky
    Like a patient etherized upon a table;
    Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
    The muttering retreats 5
    Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
    And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
    Streets that follow like a tedious argument
    Of insidious intent
    To lead you to an overwhelming question….
    So jump off the building, you’re the goddam Batman!

  • Larry Lennhoff

    I am old, I am old,
    So I’ll jump off that building
    I’m the goddamn Batman, I’m told.

  • bekabot

    This is all wonderful, but it’s kind of unfair to Batman, who was never dumb enough to think he could really fly. That’s why he spent so much money on his toys.

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  • HOLDEN: You’re on top of a tall building walking along the edge when all of the sudden you look down —

    LEON: What one?

    HOLDEN: What?

    LEON: What building?

    HOLDEN: It doesn’t make any difference what building, it’s completely hypothetical.

    LEON: But how come I’d be there?

    HOLDEN: Maybe you’re fed up, maybe you want to be by yourself, who knows? Jump off that building, you’re the goddamn Batman.

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