Home / General / Christians are terrible people

Christians are terrible people


SEK pulls his dirty, beaten, decade old Ford Taurus into a toll booth behind PORSCHE GUY from the Republic of FL. SEK’s listening, quite loudly, to the Replacements’ Tim, when he notices PORSCHE GUY seems to be having problems paying his $2.50 toll.

PORSCHE GUY: I only have fifty cents.

TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT: It’s a $57.70 fine.

PORSCHE GUY: I’m not going to pay that.

PORSCHE GUY exits his car and slowly looks around. He turns to SEK, who turns “Bastards of Young” up even louder.




SEK: (turns down music) What?

PORSCHE GUY: Can I borrow $2?

SEK: (looks at PORSCHE GUY’s Porsche while the fuel injector on his one-eyed Taurus sputters) Sorry. Don’t have it.

PORSCHE GUY: How were you doing the tolls then?

SEK: (realizing PORSCHE GUY knows some logic) I have $5 and change. Just enough to get me to work.

PORSCHE GUY: Can I borrow it?

SEK: I have just enough to get to work.

PORSCHE GUY: Great. You can pay it forward.

SEK: I don’t think that’s how that works.

PORSCHE GUY: Are you a religious man?

SEK: Not remotely.

PORSCHE GUY: Because I am. I believe in Christian charity.

SEK: (looking at PORSCHE GUY’s Porsche) I can tell.


PORSCHE GUY gets back in his car and talks to the TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT. Both point at SEK, who vigorously waves his arms in an improvised semaphore of “NO NO NO.” PORSCHE GUY sticks his head out his window and turns to SEK.

PORSCHE GUY: Jesus pays you forward! God bless!

PORSCHE GUY speeds off. SEK pulls up to the toll booth and is informed by TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT that he’d agreed to cover PORSCHE GUY’s toll. She also informs him that if he doesn’t pay the PORSCHE GUY forward, she’ll be docked for the difference. SEK hands over $5.00 and heads to class.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Google+
  • Linkedin
  • Pinterest
  • Colin Day

    What evidence did he have to give that you would in fact pay it?

    • SEK

      I think he just needed to convince her that he had enough evidence. Apparently my emphatic arm-waving and head-shaking didn’t have its intended effect.

      • sparks

        The difference between you and me: I would have been in the car behind you, watching the spectacle. I’ve witnessed many strange altercations (some even violent like one I saw today), but I never seem to be a part of them.

      • SV

        Have you not seen ‘Dumb and Dumber?’

      • cpinva

        “She also informs him that if he doesn’t pay the PORSCHE GUY forward, she’ll be docked for the difference.”

        SEK: oh wow, that really sucks, sorry to hear that. here’s my $2.50, for my toll. have a nice day.

        • Shalimar

          You also could have given her the $2.50 to cover what she would be docked, but make it clear you didn’t want it counted towards his toll.

          • Robbert

            And he would’ve still gotten the fine, right? That would have been the perfect solution.

            • Barry

              Good point. Of course, her options are (a) use the $2.50 to pay Porsche A-hole’s toll or (b) probably deal with a load of paperwork to punish PAH.

              OTOH, it’d be worth it.

              • Workers in those positions are often forbidden to take tips or gifts.

                • Dgie

                  It is isn’t a tip of gift. He would merely be “paying it forward.”

      • LuigiDaMan

        Should have rammed him when you had the chance. That would have ended it.

      • jemand

        you should have offered to switch cars as collateral ;)

        Though on second I would never have trusted him not to crash my car in 10 feet of driving from an excess of “not care for others”…

  • Thefax

    I would have made the toll booth attendant pay the difference…he fell for what indeed may be the oldest con in the book. That may be uncharitable of me, but then I won’t get paid forward.

    • Anonymous

      Who’s “he”?

    • It seems entirely possible to me that the tollbooth attendant dinged the Porsche guy the $57.70 fine and collected the extra $5 from you. Certainly any tollbooth attendant with any amount of experience would have memorized the license plate backwards and forwards the instant that Porsche guy announced an inability to pay.

    • mxyzptlk

      Could have asked the tollbooth attendant if she was Christian, and if so (quite likely), said that Porsche Guy said her contribution would pay it forward.

  • Bitter Scribe

    What a fucking douchebag!

    Altho even in Illinois, which has the most horrible, shitty, unfair toll system in existence anywhere, if you don’t have the cash they’ll hand you an envelope, tell you to get off at the next exit and mail in the payment.

    • SEK

      I actually called the toll road operators to complain, and was told that if I still had my receipt — which I did — that when I get to the toll booth again I should tell them that I overpaid that morning and they’d wave me through, which they did. I’ll also be receiving some sort of credit in the mail for my inconvenience.

      • howard

        so, big government works!

        • Linnaeus

          Those overpaid bureaucrats!

    • fka AWS

      Altho even in Illinois, which has the most horrible, shitty, unfair toll system in existence anywhere

      I do not believe this for a moment with all the contenders.

      • cpinva

        ” do not believe this for a moment with all the contenders.”

        clearly, you’ve never had the misfortune to drive around Chicago.

        • patrick II

          Not to mention the parking.

      • TribalistMeathead

        Yeah. Everyone on the East Coast knows that honor goes to Delaware.

        • cackalacka

          Runner up: New Hampshire.

          I love how both states are purportedly tax-friendly, yet have more tolls each in their collective 10 mile stretches than the 1000 miles expanse to the south of DC.

      • Green Caboose

        Actually Illinois does have a unique mix of way-too-may-toll-roads, way-too-high-per-mile-fees, way-too-frequent-toll-stops, and a number of insanely-inefficient toll road exit/entrance designs – at least in the Chicagoland vicinity. There may be other states that have higher per-mile rates, higher density of toll roads, more frequent stops, or even more absurd toll configurations (thinking Dulles-Airport-Access-Road stupid here), but ILL. scores very high on all categories.

        • wengler

          The most insanely inefficient toll booth stop was taken out awhile ago(94 and Lake-Cook Rd.) and nearly every toll area has open road tolling(half as much as the cash booths).

          So really, just get an IPASS and you won’t even notice it.

    • AuRevoirGopher

      I once didn’t have the money at a Illinois toll booth. I didn’t get no envelope. Toll booth guy started yelling at me. And I mean YELLING, with arm-waving, eye-popping and flusterization, that I was a LOSER! A NO-GOOD, NO-MONEY LOSER FUCK! After a few of the longest minutes of my life, he just let me go through. And no, it was not worth it. It sounds stupid now, but having beer-belly toll booth guy yell LOSER at me was quite humbling.

      • Brandon

        We’ve got all sorts of “Unpaid toll? 7 days to pay!” signs now.

        • Fourten

          And the system works, I once blew through an unmanned toll booth and got dinged with the fine by mail a couple weeks later. The next time I didn’t have $1.50 in change handy (can’t raise property tax on Rosemont or Glenco, oh no! Those are the JERB CREATERS!) I paid online letting them know when and where it happened and it works.

          (I don’t have an I-Pass for philosophical reasons)

          • Green Caboose

            I’ll give Denver’s Expresstoll system a lot of credit here. The rates per mile are among the highest in the nation but they make a lot of good decisions. One was to dump the cash toll collections altogether and have you pay via the electronic pass or via license plate toll. The latter is significantly more expensive because it requries manual logging based on photos, plus mapping in some cases to rental car accounts, plus significant account collections work. But they found that all that overhead is still cheaper than running toll collection booths.

            They also find that people are nuch more likely to pay the license plate toll in response to the first first mail request than pay a $150+ fine for skipping a toll – again the savings in administrative overhead far exceeds the reduction in fine revenue.

            In addition, if you go through without an express pass you call them up, they set you up with one for free and the license plate tolls will be mapped to your account.

          • Fred Fnord

            FYI, these days most toll plazas are taking pictures of all the cars that go through, not just offenders, OCR-ing the license plates, and collecting that information just as the collect iPass information. In some places (California) there are stricter rules about what can be done with the iPass information than there are about the license plate information.

            So if the philosophical reason has to do with privacy, you are fucked anyway. Might as well get an iPass.

      • mpowell

        So apparently they have an effective loss prevention system.

  • LoriK

    Porsche guy is obviously a colossal asshole. May birds with health problems build a nest above his parking space.

    That said, the toll booth attendant deserves to be docked for taking Porsche guy’s word for it that the person behind him would pay his toll. That was stupid, and also shitty of her. You should have pointed out for her future reference that “paying it forward” involves paying for the unknown person behind you, not the moronic wanker, rip-off artist in front of you.

    • rea

      “paying it forward” involves paying for the unknown person behind you, not the moronic wanker, rip-off artist in front of you

      If you think about it, it does seem like “paying it forward” would involve paying for the person ahead of you.

      • EH

        The phrase refers to forward…in time, i.e. the person who would get to the gate after you.

        • rea

          Oh, it’s one of those widdbly wobbly timey wimey things?

          • Johannes

            Which doesn’t mean the Doctor would fall for it. (Well, Eight might have, and Five. Four would have smiled beatifically and offered the toll clerk a jelly baby. Seven would have tricked her into blowing herself out of reality by preventing her parents from ever meeting.)

    • TT

      May birds with health problems build a nest above his parking space.

      And may karma look most favorably upon the idea of his Porsche getting keyed.

      • john

        I think SEK getting stuck with the toll was karma.

        Someone with out-of-state plates (so likely unfamiliar with the roads), ends up $2 short for a toll. The person behind him, knowing he faces a $57.50 fine, refuses to loan him the $2. Person behind him ultimately gets stuck for full price of the toll.

        That’s karma.

        • DocAmazing

          Yes, those poor impoverished Porsche owners. Never can catch a break.

        • LeftWingFox

          No, Karma is SEK paying for the sins of his past life. not the present one.

          The rest is hippy baristas invoking cosmic powers to encourage you to tip.

          Either way is bullshit. Karma in this life is just modern bullshit.

        • SEK

          I think SEK getting stuck with the toll was karma.

          You don’t know what “karma” means, do you? Because if you did, you’d realize I clearly deserved this further indignity for whatever genocide I committed in a past life … but that’s not what you mean.

          • john

            Actually, it was your buddy TT that doesn’t know what “karma” means, I was just playing off his/her post.

            But you really wounded me with that one, almost as much as LeftWingFox did when posting the exact same thing a couple hours earlier.

            • SEK

              Yes, you’re clearly a sophisticated reader of other people’s words. I mean, just look at how you’ve littered up this thread!

          • rea

            whatever genocide I committed in a past life

            Based on what happens to you, I suspecct that in a former life you were an unfunny comedian

            • Worse, probably a prop comic.

        • ironic irony

          Even if you are from out of state, toll roads are clearly labelled as such BEFORE you get on them.

          Your reasoning is lazy and weak, just like the Porshe owner.

          • Kevin

            I don’t know what state you are in, but my experience as someone who does a lot of business travel in the U.S. does not support your claim; I have more than once found myself on toll roads without warning.

            • Cody

              Chicago seems notorious for this.

              Toll Road RIGHT

              GHETTO one-way street exit in south side LEFT

              You don’t HAVE to go on the toll road…

              • Fred Fnord

                Imagine! You might end up in a neighborhood with BROWN PEOPLE IN IT. How perfectly dreadful.

        • ChrisTS

          Really? If I don’t have money for a toll, I (a) don’t try to push someone else into paying it for me and certainly do not (b)lie to the toll person and (c)stick someone else with my fee because I was both (1) too dumb to have 2 bucks with me and (2) too cheap to pay the fine.

          • john

            If you were $2 short of a toll and the fine was almost $60, you would certainly think to ask someone for help. SEK turned up the radio and tried to ignore Porsche Guy before he even had the chance to ask.

            • Ask, maybe. Or maybe, if I can afford a Porsche, I say “stupid me for not carrying cash, send me the bill” instead of badgering innocent bystanders, extorting money, and lying about it.

  • Malaclypse

    Wait, you’re clinically deaf, and you could hear their conversation from one car behind? I’m suspecting some dramatic license has taken place…

    • SEK

      I’m quite good at “hearing” conversations from the other side of a room.

      • Malaclypse

        Ah, sorry. I am an idiot…

        • SEK

          No worries. It’s one of the few advantages one acquires growing up deaf, and is especially useful in the classroom when students are supposed to be doing group work. When they know you don’t need to hear them to know if they’re staying on topic …

  • BigHank53

    What was his plate number? I believe in charity too.

    • SEK

      I got it. Unfortunately, he can’t be arrested for being an asshole.

      • LoriK

        Can he be fined the $57.70 for trying to stick you with his toll?

        • thebewilderness

          It does not make sense that the toll taker would tell the porche guy there was a fine and tell you they would have to pay. Should have fined porche d00d.

          • thebewilderness

            Sounds like the toll taker was no more honest than the porsche guy.

      • Steven desJardins

        Fraud is a crime. More realistically, he could conceivably be fined for going through the toll booth without paying.

      • Patrick Pine

        Instead he will be nominated as a GOP candidate and will promise to lower tolls…

        • Sev

          I was thinking dude was in finance.

          • You may both be right.

            Rick Santelli’s cousin was on his way to his first campaign planning meeting, but he hadn’t fleeced Sheldon Adelson for any suelto yet.

  • pseudonymous in nc

    This is one of those occasions where “No. Fuck off.” works better than “Sorry. Don’t have it.” And every other thing SEK said.

    • ckc (not kc)

      …and the improvised semaphore should have included a judicious finger

    • SEK

      This is one of those occasions where “No. Fuck off.” works better than “Sorry. Don’t have it.”

      I was raised to lie politely.

      …and the improvised semaphore should have included a judicious finger

      I’ve provided no evidence that it didn’t.

  • Bobbo

    Didn’t know “Christians” had taken ownership of “paying it forward.”

  • avoidswork


    Sounds like either the state needs to get some toll transponders or SEK’s lovely “Christian friend” needs to get one.

    What a DBag, though.

    In BayArea, our DBags are carpool lane violators with bonus points to the DBags that pull out from a dead stop into the moving carpool lane, often requiring carpool driver to have to hit the brakes. Then the DBag will wait until the very end to try to squeeze into the non-carpool lane. Which means carpool driver then needs to get into other carpool lane to go through the toll.

    And where do the cops sit? On the *other side* of the toll. (So they would have caught your Friend in the Porsche).

    • So they would have caught your Friend in the Porsche.

      Objection. Nothing was introduced in evidence even faintly suggesting that the said asshole Christian was, in fact, a Quaker.

      • ChrisTS


  • It would be completely wrong to release all of the information you have about this Christian and his car and I forbid you from doing so.

    • NBarnes

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  • Patrick Pine

    Lots of potential band names here: Asshole Christian Porsche Drivers; Toll Booth Bandits; No, You Pay It Forward Quartet; Toll Booth Pimps – just a few suggestions to get the party started…

  • Anonymous

    So the toll attendant bought that dude’s story? And didn’t buy your disavowal? That’s a combination of gullibility and by-the-rules hard-assed-ry that could only be attained on, like, your four point third to four point fifth day on the job. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen people attain that state, but it’s pretty fricking rare, and doesn’t last long.

    For next time: they’re not docking that person’s pay if you don’t pay for the guy in the Porsche. After all, they “waved you through” later in the day. Your schlemielery was entirely self-inflicted, here.

  • Barry Freed

    This reminds me very much of a certain French philosophy professor who now teaches where you grew up/did your BA. I could tell you slew of stories about him that would sound like they were ripped from your life. He was a very funny guy a notorious scofflaw.

    His father was some big rich muckey muck in the French diplomatic service (ambassador to at least one very important country in the Middle East, IIRC). When his son, the philosophy prof, got his PhD the father bought him a Porsche (not outright apparently, he only put the down payment on it and it later got repo-ed, but that’s another story). So this certain French philosophy professor (a specialist in Heidegger, if you must know) would always refer to his car as “my Porsche,” which in his heavy French accent sounded to our* ears like “ma Porsche,” and never as simply “my car.” So he actually used to say stuff like “Did you see where I parked ma Porsche?” “I cannot remember where I parked ma Porsche” “I have misplaced my Porsche keys, did you see them?” My friends and I used to joke that he would actually say, “My Porsche is dirty, do you know where I can find a Porsche wash? I must get ma Porsche washed.”

    He was also notorious for writing bad checks. He would pull up to a pizza joint (in his Porsche) and pay for his couple of slices with a check. That they would accept because, hey, Porsche. And that check would bounce. Every single time.

    I sublet his place for a summer**with two friends of mine, a couple – he was doing his PhD in the Phil dept there. We used to get calls all the time from local businesses and department stores and collection agencies asking after him (we loved to tell them that he’d gone back to France and no, we don’t know when he’ll be back).

    He was a very entertaining guy. Just don’t lend him any money, or give him your credit card (which at least one grad student did). In a way he was a true anarchist. And truly shameless. When we asked him why he didn’t just pay for the stuff he bought for he did not lack for money he said simply (in his heavy French accent), “Why should I give them the money, when I already have the thing?” Truly one of the strangest characters I’ve ever crossed paths with.

    My friend and I knew that his car must have had repossession papers out on it. He had left us the keys and the car had Connecticut plates so the whole summer long we planned to find out who had the paper out on it in CT, drive it there and pocket the money ourselves. Sure enough, that fall just a couple of months after he got back, two burly guys came to his office at the philosophy department to repo it. My friend ran into him a quite a few years later at a philosophy conference and told him our plan. I’m told he said, “Oh, you should have, we could have split the money.”

    There’s much more about this guy but I’d better stop there.

    *(“our” = including my friends in the philosophy department of the state u where he was teaching at the time)

    **We were on to him from the beginning and dealt with him strictly on a cash basis. Unlike some of his colleagues in the department one of whom I was told actually co-signed a loan for him that he was left

    BTW, I’m really wishing you guys had preview.

    And please, no names. I really don’t want to get sued for libel here. But it’s all true. As the department secretary used to say “There’s no fool like a [rhymes]. I know I’ve said far too much already.

    • Barry Freed

      Yes, preview would have been great, but you get the idea. Your guy sounds so much like that French philosophy prof. It must be the Porsche.

      • HP

        Many decades ago, as an undergraduate, I went to a party where there was a very attractive dark-haired girl visiting from another school. A big, burly acquaintance came up to me and said, “Hey, did you dig that cute girl with the curly hair? Check it out: She’s named after a car!”

        “After a car?”

        “Yeah, I forget which car, but it’s totally hilarious. A bunch of guys have talked to her, but she’s got this dorky car name, and she’s acting like she’s pissed off at everybody for no reason. She’s pretty cute. You should go talk to her.”

        So, she’s standing there all by herself looking like she’s trying to escape, and I walk up and say, “Hi, I’m Howard.”

        She sighs deeply, and says, “I’m Portia.”

        “Oh,” I say, “Cool name! Shakespeare! It’s from Twelfth Night, right?”

        Merchant of Venice,” she says, “But you wouldn’t believe how many idiots are at this party.”

        • You resisted the temptation to ask if she had a sister named Mercedes?

          • HP

            Well, a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, but let’s be coy and just say, “I am completely inept around women.”

            • ajay

              You resisted the temptation to ask if she had a sister named Mercedes?

              At least he resisted the temptation to make a Hummer joke.

              Mercedes is actually a car named after a chick. Mercedes Jellinek (for real), the daughter of the racing driver Emil Jellinek, who commissioned the first one from Maybach.

              • ironic irony

                And never mind that Spaniards have been using the name for centuries before that.

                • ajay

                  And never mind that Spaniards have been using the name for centuries before that.

                  Yes, but (follow me closely here) not for cars.

                • Yes. Which was sort of the point of my Merc joke, playing off the Portia story.

    • Jordan

      I truly enjoyed this comment.

    • daveNYC

      That guy must have a hell of a personality to make up for the fact that he’s basically a rich asshole who rips off pizza joints (and his grad students).

    • SEK

      Quit stealing my thunder. (Also, privately email who that was.)

      • Barry Freed

        Email is on its way soon. I’m surprised you haven’t figured it out.

        This will probably get me in trouble but said professor also had a thyroid condition so not only was he a Frog but he looked a bit like one too.

        There was the time we told him that he might have gotten a phone call from Interpol. Man, you should have seen him panic at that one.

        The phone bill was in my name, and the phone company screwed up and didn’t change it back after I’d moved out in the fall even though I’d notified them. That was around the time they deregulated 900 numbers and the advertisements were all over the TV that summer. So the next bill I got was filled with numbers like 1-900-THECOMEDIANS and others like that which was how I knew they’d messed up. This was before the sex chat lines took over so there was some really weird and quirky phone lines. There were about a hundred calls to them at least, all called within about a two week period. He obviously came back home from France, turned on the TV, saw all those advertisements which weren’t on the tube when he’d left and just called everything he saw. He was like a big unrestrained id. Of an 8 year old boy.

  • Barry Freed

    My God SEK, so much of your life is that Tom Waits supermarket story it’s uncanny.

    • mxyzptlk

      “and, uh, he looks absolutely nothing like me, in fact he’s Chinese.”

      Tom Waits gold.

  • Carol

    Out here in Cow Town Colorado we can use credit cards so that sort of stuff would be called bull puckey

    • blowback

      But introducing credit card payment would cost money and Republicans wouldn’t allow that.

      • Jay B.

        This, I assume, is for the “private” toll roads that scar Orange County. They could totally introduce credit card capable booths, but they want you to get FastTrak or whatever bullshit you are supposed to use so the government can track where you go [/tinfoil carcasm], but they’d rather just fine people without the funds.

        • mxyzptlk

          carcasm! I hope that wasn’t a typo.

          • SV

            He meant to type ‘cargasm’.

        • Fred Fnord

          That ship has already sailed. Most toll plazas hereabouts at least have cameras with automatic OCR which take pictures of your license plate, identifies the lettering, and then looks you up in the vehicle database and records your movements. The company involved in this is a private company, and interestingly the information is not protected by the same laws that protect the information gathered from the pass. (And of course these pictures are taken of everyone, not just the people with or without passes.)

          So yeah. Sorry. You’re hosed.

    • TribalistMeathead

      The Dulles Greenway has had credit card readers at exit booths for years.

      Pretty sure they’re on the Indiana Toll Road now, too.

      • Cody

        Yes, they’re in Indiana now. Also, they don’t even have toll booth workers 90% of the time now.

        This way, they can completely eliminate the overhead. They have like 0 expenses. They don’t spend money on employees OR road repairs now!

  • The toll attendant gets El Dickhead Grande prize here.

    He lets douche in the fucking Porsche skate and makes the schmoe in the Ford Suppository pay for him?

    (I am assuming a newer Porsche in decent condition, and not some beat 944, and considering what happened here, I’m going to guess it was a more expensive ride.)

    • Just a Rube

      Sounds like a classic con artist. I suspect if you’d said you were Jewish, he would have claimed to be one as well (and talked about Jewish charity), ditto if you said you were Muslim, Buddhist, FSM, etc.

      • He asked SEK if he was religious and SEK said no.

        Maybe he fancies himself a con artist, but he sucks at it if he’s racked up $50+ in tolls.

        • cpinva

          “Maybe he fancies himself a con artist, but he sucks at it if he’s racked up $50+ in tolls.”

          apparently not, he skated, conning the tolltaker into thinking SEK would pay. which con worked.

          • Then the con should have ended when SEK said the guy was a liar. Instead “My pay will be docked 2.50 and you have to do something about that.” He wasn’t clever the TA did all of the work for him.

    • Random

      A guy committed what is, at least in my backwards redneck state, an outright crime that will get the law-dogs on your butt in minutes and pulled over and ticketed.

      Why does the *toll attendant* pay for the crime? He should just radio the troopers to nab the guy and fine him.

      • Or shoot him and take his car.

      • Richard

        You think the cops are going to go out and arrest this guy for $2.50? Plus these toll roads in Orange County are very short and he’s going to be on another freeway or on city streets in a few minutes.

        The toll attendant is going to pay for the crime because the electronic records are going to show that two cars passed through but only one toll was collected

        • Chet Murthy

          The toll attendand will pay for the crime b/c he’s an idiot or a rube.

  • peorgietirebiter

    So the toll booth operator believed she wasn’t somehow docking your pay?

  • Uncle Ebeneezer

    “Where’s your Messiah now?” In the voice of Chief Wiggum really would have been the perfect response.

  • Anonymous

    I’m a Christian, and in all likelihood a terrible person (just ask my cats, who sometimes have to wait up to two hours to get fed) but I’m not a D-bag in a Porsche and I just threw six times the amount of a toll in the tip jar because I do in fact grasp the concept of “pay it forward.”

    Also, if the D-bag was actually a Christian and not just trying every handle he could, then fuck that guy for letting the side down.

    • Jordan

      ” I just threw six times the amount of a toll in the tip jar because I do in fact grasp the concept of “pay it forward.” ”

      Does that, in fact, actually let people behind you go through the toll booth for free?

      • Anonymous

        You just got to post to the site for free, didn’t you?

        • Jordan

          Wait, YOU are the one keeping this thing afloat, “anonymous” (if that is your real name)? Links for paypal donation site NOW.

    • HP

      Nony, do you have one of those fish things on your back bumper? Because you know that when we non-Christians see a vesica piscis in front of us, we pre-position our foot over the break pedal and wait for the inevitable moving violation.

      I’m not saying that all Christians are inconsiderate drivers, I’m just saying that most inconsiderate drivers are Christians.

      • Anonymous

        Nony, do you have one of those fish things on your back bumper?

        No, for the same reason I don’t have an Obama bumper sticker: When I’m having a bad day and driving like a jerk I want them to think “That guy is a d-bag” instead of “Christians/Democrats are d-bags.”

        Last election I seriously thought about putting a Romney sticker on my car and trying to cut off every driver in Dallas/Fort Worth at least once in the month of October.

  • So, Porsche douche turned a 10-second transaction into three minutes, made it all about his beliefs rather than the topic at hand, and screwed up your day.

    Sounds like you ran into a real-life spam toll.

  • Another Anonymous

    Christians don’t drive Porsches.

  • Jon H

    I would have noted his drivers license and stuck a lien on his ass for $2.50.

  • john

    Reminds me of a similar story in my own life. Like SEK, I am but a poor academic. While waiting in line at an airport ATM, I noticed that an obviously wealthy business traveler in front of me was having problems using his foreign card. He didn’t have any cash and needed about $10 in local currency. Here is where the story departs, however. I loaned him the $10. He took one of my cards and a few weeks later I received a letter with the money.

    It was only a couple bucks, just saying.

    • avoidswork

      That’s cool. There are genuinely good people out there.

      That is not who SEK dealt with.

      • john

        Based on this story as told by SEK, I’m inclined to think Porsche Guy wasn’t dealing with a genuinely good person, either.

        • SV

          Because he chose not to lend money to a stranger (who seems to be a dick, and rich, and not actually in need)?

          • john

            Because he chose not to give $2 to someone that (i) he knew was from out of town, (ii) who had rolled up on one of the only tolls in America that doesn’t take credit cards and, (iii) who was was about to receive a ridiculous $57.70 fine on a $2.50 toll charge.

            It was douchey behavior on SEK’s part not to give the $2, and he was paid back in kind.

            • cpinva

              “(i) he knew was from out of town,”

              he knew that how, exactly? could have been a rental car, for all SEK knew.

              “(ii) who had rolled up on one of the only tolls in America that doesn’t take credit cards”

              and it’s SEK’s problem that this guy is too stupid to be allowed out by himself why, exactly? I never take a trip with no cash in my pocket, for just this very possibility, only an idiot doesn’t. not SEK’s problem that this clown’s an idiot.

              “(iii) who was was about to receive a ridiculous $57.70 fine on a $2.50 toll charge.”

              again, this is SEK’s problem because, exactly? anyone able to afford a Porsche gets precisely zero sympathy from me, at any time or place.

              “It was douchey behavior on SEK’s part not to give the $2, and he was paid back in kind.”

              who designated you the arbiter of douchey behavior? SEK had enough cash to get to/from work, it’s not his responsibility to have enough on him to pay some Porsche driving dumbass’s toll also.

              • john

                >>SEK had enough cash to get to/from work,

                Actually, it seems he had enough to get himself to and from work AND to pay this guy’s toll. After all, he was able to get home and blog his tale of woe.

                I think it’s incredibly douchey to not give the guy a few dollars in this situation. If you disagree, fine. I guess I’m just glad I don’t know you other than through the internet.

                • Likewise.

                • Again, I don’t understand the moral calculus. When faced with someone for whom the toll would plausibly be an undue hardship or annoyance, he ponied up at possibly some inconvenience to himself. That seems to establish basic decency. I don’t get where when accosted by a rich entitled person thrusting their entitlement on you like crazy without the manners to ask in an appropriate way or gracefully take a refusal unto committing fraud, one is obliged to help them save money at some cost to yourself.

                • daveNYC

                  Right, so if I ask to borrow $10 from some stranger and they say no, it would actually be totally justified to reward their ‘douchey’ behavior by taking the $10 from them anyway?

                  You do realize that what this guy did to SEK was theft, right?

                • SEK

                  SEK had enough cash to get to/from work.

                  Actually, it seems he had enough to get himself to and from work AND to pay this guy’s toll. After all, he was able to get home and blog his tale of woe.

                  Please, john, work on your reading comprehension. It may be that I had the opportunity to go to an ATM between the time I went to work and the time I returned home. Also, as stated in the original post, I barely had enough money to get to work, I drive a shit car, and an asshole in a Porsche put me in a situation where I had to use every coin in my car in order to get to work.

                  I suspect you’re the asshole in question, trying to pretend to assuage the guilt you don’t feel because you realize you violated five kinds of decorum. I feel sorry for you, but I understand that privilege has its blindnesses.

                • Malaclypse

                  Did you notice the part where Porsche Guy doesn’t ever say “Can I borrow two bucks? I swear I will mail it to you when I get home.” but instead insists on being GIVEN two bucks?

                  John, I NEED a fiver for lunch today. Give me money, now.

                • Barry Freed

                  Typical rich dude, always expecting bailouts from the consequences of their own misbehavior.

            • DocAmazing

              “Out of town” cuts no ice here. In California, we get every kind of shithead from every state in the union. If Porsche Guy can’t familiarize himself with the stat he’s planning to visit, then he deserves whatever he gets.

            • Ummm….

              1) if SEK had exactly enough to get to work, he still has to cover this guy’s toll here (and incur a find elsewhere)

              2) the right way to solicit such help is to offer to pay it back, perhaps with some extra and to graciously accept the refusal. The misuse of “pay it forward (which was being used to justify a forced transfer from te poor to the rich) is sufficient evidence to justify the refusal.

              3) I don’t see how it’s A requirement of Christian charity to help a rich person avoid a small fine. Frankly, I wouldn’t think to put a quarter in their meter either. Whereas, I might do for SEK’s car.

              • john

                I don’t know or care about what the requirements of Christian charity are, I just thought it basic decency to give the guy a couple bucks. And I think it’s fitting that SEK ended up paying the whole fair in the end.

                • Terry

                  I don’t think it’s fare!

                • I’m not saying it wouldn’t have be a nice thing for SEK to do, but I really don’t see where it’s *basic* decency. I mean, what’s the principle here: one gives small amounts of money to arbitrary people in order to help them avoid what is for them a slightly larger amount of money regardless of how they treat you unto their lying to someone else to put you under an obligation?

                  Again, I don’t see it. It certainly would have been a kindness but it was not the sort of kindness that is required to meet the standards of basic decency. It would clearly be hugely supererogatory at best and, frankly, given the entitlement this guy put out, I feel it’s pretty acceptable to refuse on principle. Assuming SEK’s representation is fair, I don’t see that the guy behaved even remotely appropriately.

                  And really, the guy just simply stole from SEK. You’d have a slightly stronger case if SEK was caught at the next toll short and no one aides him,but even then whaa?

                • Mrs Tilton

                  John himself sounds like the kind of guy who drives a Porsche and likes to stick other people with his bills. And that’s fine; that there are dicks in the world is just a part of life the rest of us have to put up with. No, the sad part is that John expects other people to pay the bills of dicks because it would not be decent if they didn’t… and that he thinks it’s fitting when a dick gets over.

                • Hi Mrs Tilton,

                  That’s certainly one possibility, but Ahistoricality seems to be agreeing above (unless they’re saying that they are glad not to know John except over the internet).

                  I’m open to there being some argument here, but it surely isn’t obvious and it equally surely hasn’t been made.

                • SEK

                  I just thought it basic decency to give the guy a couple bucks.

                  You, like the asshole in the Porsche, also assume that everyone has a few bucks to give to strangers driving expensive European cars. Which means you’re an asshole too, and are, for some reason, proud of this fact.

                  I’m thinking of two words, one of which is “fuck,” the other “you,” but I’m not sure which order I should put them in so you could understand.

                • FLRealist

                  I think Ahistoricality was agreeing that it was nice he doesn’t know John in real life. Because if John thinks SEK was the bad guy in this, then John’s the same as Porche guy – a dick.

                • What FLRealist said.

                  Sometimes, even meeting someone anonymously online is more than you really need in your life.

                • Thanks!

                • ChrisTS

                  Is it basic decency to give money to everyone who asks for it?

                  Is it proper for everyone refused money to steal it from the refuser, as a return of ‘douchey-ness’?

                  Does it matter, at all, what the cause of one’s need for money is? Or what the respective financial situations are?

                • john

                  Yep, that’s it SEK, I’m the asshole because I wouldn’t roll up my windows and try to ignore the guy over two dollars. Can you imagine living in such a world — the horror.

                • Malaclypse

                  To be fair, you’re an asshole for calling your host an asshole not once, nor twice, but 50 times or so.

                • SEK

                  I’m the asshole because I wouldn’t roll up my windows and try to ignore the guy over two dollars.

                  No, you’re the asshole because you’re the guy who walks up to the panhandler and swipes $2 from his cup because you’re craving Chicken McNuggets, then goes on the internet and brags about it.

    • sharculese

      Well aren’t you just the specialest snowflake of them all!

  • CaseyL

    If you have his license number, you might be able to find out who he is, where he lives, and even where he works. Then you can spend some quality time making his life a living hell for a few days, even if all you do is call his office and let them know he’s a fraudster douchenozzle (though if they work with him, they probably already know that).

    • Terry

      I don’t think getting somebody in trouble at work because they are assholic in their private life is too cool. Bad solution.

      • john

        I’m like an assholic, but for booze.

        • Terry

          You certainly have seem assholic. Thanks.

    • Jon H

      “Tell him I want my $2.50”

      Every day.

  • Funkula

    I once hit a tollbooth with nothing on me. In my defense, I think it might have been the first time I ever drove on one and I simply didn’t know that there were periodic booths. Anyway, I sheepishly told the attendant that I didn’t have a dime on me and asked how I could deal with that. Her response was, “Well, I can write you a ticket for twenty-five cents, or you can floor it, we’ll take a picture of your plate, and you’ll get a twenty-five dollar ticket.”

    I was quite amused by the concept of a twenty-five cent ticket, particularly the fact that I had to write a check for it. My overall point is that if your local transit authority doesn’t offer to issue a ticket in the amount of the toll, they are completely full of fail.

    • Uncle Ebeneezer

      I once had the same problem on the Tobin Bridge in Boston. I was 16 and clueless and didn’t think there was a toll in the direction I was going. I asked the guy behind me and he was reluctant but realized that I was just a goofy teen and floated me the change. I was extremely embarrassed and I didn’t give him attitude. But he realized tossing me a couple quarters was the quickest way for him to get through the toll. There was no easy way for me to back up, turn around or whatever. That was the last time I ever travelled without at least a bunch of spare quarters etc.

      I would think a fairly easy solution would be for the toll operators to simply ask for your license and swipe it (like at a pharmacy) and have the DMV send you a $10 ticket or something.

    • rea

      I once hit a tollbooth with nothing on me.

      (1) I hope the toll attendant wasn’t hurt?

      (2) Why not wear clothes while driving?

  • montag2

    Here’s how to stop this sort of nonsense. I call it “Let’s Make a Deal.” The wealthy guy is caught short and demands that you bail him out. No doubt there were signs indicating the toll required and he had the opportunity to pull over before the toll booths or to turn around. He didn’t. Therefore, it’s his responsibility to extricate himself from the difficulty he created for himself.

    So, the proper reply is: “You need the money to get out of a jam? What collateral do you have? Looks like you have a car. Give the title to me. That way I know I’ll get my two bucks back.”

    Mr. Porsche-Driving Christian won’t be be amused. Fuck `im.

    • Chet Murthy

      Amen, brother.

    • Captain Bringdown

      I like the “Let’s Make a Deal” idea. I’m thinking more along the lines of, “how ’bout I’ll buy your Porsche right here on the spot for $2.50 plus my Ford Taurus as a trade-in.”

      • Citizen Alan

        I’d have just asked for his cellphone as collateral. Tell him when he gets his $2.50, call his own number and they can set up a time to exchange.

  • finestwines

    Pilgrim’s regress.

  • “Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
    The Christians drive Porsches; I must make amends.
    Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from the guy in front of me,
    so Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz.”

    • NBarnes


  • LeftWingFox

    Given the title, I was expecting worse.


    Warning, link will ruin your faith in humanity.

  • PeakVT

    You need a dash cam.

    • Given the remarkable record SEK’s amassed of bizarre and culturally fascinating events in his life, I would actually consider him a prime candidate for Google Glass, always on.

  • Jesus

    Sorry, man.

    • Cody

      You must really hold a grudge.

  • Chet Murthy

    I will merely echo others who have noted that any attendant that …. inattentive should be disciplined, and losing $2.50 would be a suitable punishment.

    Seriously, yeah, you were being kindly and all, but why not give your $$ to starving children in … oh, idunno, Japan? Or wherever?

    Next time Porsche Guy showed up, he’d sure be towed away, and that’s the outcome we all desire, eh?

  • mxyzptlk

    Although unlikely, you might have bumped him off to the next car if you were playing “White and Lazy” or “God Damn Job.”

  • Data Tutashkhia

    I don’t know why, but for some reason I have absolutely no doubt that the Porsche guy is also a racist, misogynist, and homophobe.

    • FLRealist

      I thought that was a given.

    • Tybalt

      It was you?

  • Mike Rapola

    SEK pulls his dirty, beaten, decade old Ford Taurus into a toll booth…

    “I have $5 and change. Just enough to get me to work.”

    FYI No toll booths:

    Colonial Dr
    Sand Lake
    Curry Ford


    • Warren Terra

      Your point is what, exactly? Am I to understand that you know more about how SEK can most efficiently get to work than SEK does?

      Good luck with that.

      • M. Showperson

        There’d be nothing efficient about those roads anyhow. Way to be disingenuous, Mike.

    • FLRealist

      Helpful info, if SEK lived in Orlando, but I don’t think he does.

      And the toll roads here in Florida take a picture of your license plate and bill you if you run a toll gate without paying.

  • Malaclypse
  • Unhinged Liberal

    Interestingly, SEK gets in a row with someone at a tollbooth and decides this guy represents all Christians. He then writes about his bad experience and titles the piece “Christians Are Terrible People”.

    Muslims bomb the Boston marathon, kill people, wound and disfigure lots, lots more and yet, we haven’t seen any piece titled “Muslims Are Terrible People”.

    I think the actual “terrible people” are the ones writing this stuff.

    • sharculese

      It’s almost as if the post title was designed to goad tantrummy idiots like you, and you fell for it, because you’re an idiot.

      • Uncle Kvetch

        It’s almost as if the post title was designed to goad tantrummy idiots like you, and you fell for it, because you’re an idiot.

        IOW, the troll got trolled. Karma’s a bitch, innit?

        • john

          As SEK insightfully paraphrased above, karma won’t get you until next life. But he probably won’t point that out to you because you area fanboy.

          • DocAmazing

            Ah, so you are capable of learning. That’s promising.

    • It could be that SEK genuinely believes all Christians are terrible people…or he was making a joke. Gosh, who knows?

      • Unhinged Liberal

        Yeah, I always joke about how Muslims suck in all my writings as well. There’s nothing like a broad brush to accurately portray an entire religion.

        The question at hand, is would Mr. Kaufman joke in the same manner in his writings about Muslims?

        Haven’t seen that humorous side of him yet…

        • Malaclypse

          Yeah, I always joke about how Muslims suck in all my writings as well.

          Yes, but you are not clever enough to be funny, Jennie dearest.

        • sharculese

          Yeah, I always joke about how Muslims suck scream and flail about my abject terror regarding anyone different from me in all my writings as well.


        • One Hand Typist Association

          The question at hand

          We are intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

          • Hogan

            We already do.

      • mxyzptlk

        Gosh indeed! Everyone knows satire and sarcasm work best when leveled at minorities and the powerful equally, and not just aimed from the bottom-up. There’s nothing funnier than laughing at those with less social power than you, amirite?

    • Malaclypse
      • sharculese


  • Jameson Quinn

    Beginning to suspect that “SEK” is just an amalgam where the other headliners post their funny stories.

    And, um, exegesees. Still working on that part of the theory.

    • Oddly, my life is not a Wes Anderson or Woody Allen movie.

      • Malaclypse

        Mini-Mal has informed me on many occasions that she wants to be in a Peter Jackson movie, so that she can marry Legolas. I fear my child will be disappointed on so very many levels…

        • rea

          Make sure she understands that she has to come up with a silmaril for King Thranduil if she reeally wants to marry Legolas.

          • Anonymous

            I’m thinking I was to keep her away from the Lay of Lethian until she is older and wiser, as Thingol is an awful father-figure, and holy crap that tale is a Freudian nightmare.

            • Malaclypse

              above was me.

      • Jameson Quinn

        What, not even a *groan* for “exegesees”?

        (Bad puns: the original trolling.)

        • mxyzptlk

          Exegesees gets an exegoose-egg, I exeguess.

  • Jon H

    Actually, this would be a fun case to try to get on Judge Judy, if you could identify him.

    • Warren Terra

      The driver didn’t defraud SEK; the driver defrauded the tollbooth operator (apparently), and the tollbooth operator may have defrauded SEK. But any liability of the driver with respect to SEK is very indirect.

  • Aardvark

    “Never do business with a religious son-of-a-bitch. His word ain’t worth a sh*t — not with the Good Lord telling him how to f*ck you on the deal.” — William S. Burroughs

  • Richard

    I know the other guy seems like a real jerk and his conduct was horrible, and I know that SEK is an underpaid academic, but its TWO DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS. Was it worth calling the toll people, law enforcement, etc and getting so anguished and outraged over two dollars and fifty cents?

    • Why not?

    • john

      Actually, it was just $2 to start. It was only because SEK was a douche that it ended up costing him $2.50.

      • SEK

        Yes, it’s my fault despite having fifty cents, he decided to leave me with the entire bill. You really are a terrible person, john.

      • Actually, it was just $2 to start a $2 hustle to start . It was only because SEK was a douche didn’t go for the con that it ended up costing him $2.50. with him being robbed of $2.50 and hectored in LGM comments by an tremendous douche.

        FTFY, as the kids say.

        • Oh, and really, the only reason SEK paid was because he’s not a douche. If he were, he could have said “Tough shit, tolltaker.” and moved on.

  • YankeeFrank

    This reminds me of “Ken Wins” from an early season of Breaking Bad — a douchebag, presumably “Ken”, steals Walt’s parking space at the bank, and then on line is talking loudly into his little bluetooth earpiece about what an amazing douchebag he is, and then tells his buddy on the other end of the phone conversation about the “hot chick” teller and what a cow some other girl is… of course everyone in the bank is quietly tolerating this guy… then at the end of the episode “Ken” yells at an old woman to “haul ass” or something as he pulls up to gas up his BMW, and Walt just so happens to be at the gas station. The guy goes in to pay and Walt pops the hood on the BMW and short circuits the battery with the wet squeegee and closes the hood and quietly walks away. In a few seconds the engine bursts into flames and “Ken” runs out whining and crying into his earpiece.

    If only life imitated art a bit more…

    • YankeeFrank

      Oh yeah, “Ken Wins” was the guy’s vanity plate.

  • After 207 comments, it occurs to me that maybe I don’t understand the phrase “pay it forward.” It refers to leaving cash on the dresser before you start, right?

  • Bishop Adhemar of LePuy

    ah, thats my cue!

    …. god knows his own.

  • Lee

    1) Genuinely religious people don’t believe in coercing charity. It has to come from the heart to be meaningful.

    2) Did anybody else notice the side of cultural sexism in this story? Man browbeats woman into doing him a “personal favor”. I don’t think he’d have been nearly as willing to try that shit on a male toll attendant.

  • Pingback: Feelings unknown and you’re all alone()

It is main inner container footer text