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He is Boss

[ 84 ] August 22, 2012 |

What do the ladies want? Men want wide-hipped young sluts, while ladies want old men like me—that’s why the ladies love men my age even though I can’t stand the sight of them. That celebrity couple disgusts me—it disgusts me like it would another man my age seeing a woman our age wet and naked. Old women look old, and it’s cruel to make me look at them. There’s this one rich old bird who looks hot, but at her age she sags in all the wrong the places as any drunken frat boy knows and they wouldn’t bone her for all her money.

It’s a good thing Mitt Romney’s not a drunken frat boy.

You know why Mitt Romney’s awesome? Check out his stats: he has so much money he gives it away and when he touches things he rules them. He has kids. They’re boys. All of them. Science says that means he’s awesome. So does money. Rich people are mostly men. See that picture? No daughters. Barely any granddaughters either. When he goes to church he goes to church. He gets all up in that house.

Obama? All daughters. Mister Rogers was a pussy.

Science says Romney should have all the lady-votes. Even Obama’s bitch should vote for him. I’m not saying he’s a polygamist, but he could be if he wanted to. Like this rich guy who had 61 children and they were all boys. He can’t have a harem, but if he could bitches would be lining up to join it. He’s in charge. Because now that we don’t hunt it’s all about the money and Mitt has more. He’s more President than the last eight Presidents. If he paid taxes, he’d pay more a year than Obama’s worth. If he didn’t tap ass so expertly he’d have more money than the only wealthy black guy I can think of who’s a rapper.

It’s time for Romney to drop trou’ and show us his moneybags.

Some hippies think calling him “R-MONEY” is funny. The only wealthy black guy I can think of uses lowercase letters but R-MONEY’s capitalized. He drops can do what black rappers do only bigger. Rappers have money, but R-MONEY’s money has money and it lives in money. He has so much money it’s heavy.

Romney’s always saying that he loves money, and that we should love money, but the haters will hate. He celebrates people with money and how they got it. He even loves the little money so much he once didn’t give in a fight to protect it. He could’ve sued that guy and took his money but the point is he was on an airplane he didn’t own because he cares about the little money. He could buy his own airplanes and still have more money than an actress and a Senator. And the Senator can’t even remember how many houses he owns.

I suppose he’s frontin’ and good on him. Humility is next to godliness which is next to money. But he needs to stop frontin’ and start ballin’ like the player he is. He should show us his money. He should show us how awesome it is having his money. People will be like “I don’t hate you or your money! I love your money!” They sit on there couches without nearly the amount of his money and watch someone who only acts like he has money curb-stomping poor people. They don’t hate that guy with the 17 Italian cars because he has 39 other ones and they’re green. Lots of children of men like Romney don’t turn into R-MONEY. That Senator has more houses than he can remember but is his daughter going to turn into R-MONEY?

Romney should find out what happened to some other rich guy but not tell anyone about it because he voted for Obama. But he spent his money so hard nobody can even find him anymore. When someone asked that rich guy about his money he said he’d had it since the Puritans. Romney should follow his lead and talk about the rich history of his money all the time.

He’s always had money—his Dad was CEO and America—but he gave it Dad’s money away and started a school so people remembered Dad’s money. Why? Because he already had his money by the time Dad kicked. His Dad was a boss. So is Romney. Men want to be under him. He will curb-stomp poor people. His sons will curb-stomp poor people. Obama was never a boss until the democratic process made him one and only because when Americans travel to Europe they act like assholes. Obama made his little money in politics and by writing about himself. He’d be nothing without a foul-mouthed Jew.

Elections aren’t about issues. They’re not about our money. They’re about his money and what it took to get it: leadership. Romney rules and we don’t. Some former someone once had some uppity bitch try to teach him to be like Romney and she failed:

“Show us your big dick” she said. “A man is top dog” she said. Then she said “Everyone thinks you’re a pussy so prove you can man-up.” But she also said the opposite about another guy when she didn’t like him.

But she was right the first time—only a man with a dick that makes sons and grandsons who rape people is a man. Some lady told us that we need a lot of people and Romney made a lot of people and they’re men. A magazine called Romney a pussy, but look at the size of his money. Look at what his dick made. Look at his wife back when she was attractive and look at him smirking about the ass she lost to time. Why should he worry about people knowing about his money? I bet he doesn’t. He’s done everything right and should own it. And by own it I mean flash mad plastic and put it on a jet or something.

[This is a concept-for-concept translation of Kevin Williamson's glorious cover story in the new National Review. All leaps in logic and offensive ideas are the sole property of Kevin Williamson or the National Review or whatever I don't know their arrangement. Point is don't blame me. I'm just a lowly translator.]

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  1. liberal says:

    Mister Rogers was a pussy.

    Well, at least in retrospect, he did seem pretty gay if not a pussy.

  2. Matthew Stevens says:

    I read this just after hearing “Baby Got Back.” I think it would scan perfectly.

  3. SEK says:

    For the record, this is what happens when someone tells me something is “beyond parody.”

  4. Mea says:

    That picture is creepy. At first I thought there was at least The Slight Rebellion of The Striped Shirt, but then I realized it was just a striped shirt matching set. Do people do this? Get all matchy-matchy in multigenerational locked step?

    • Angry Geometer says:

      Do people do this? Get all matchy-matchy in multigenerational locked step?

      Every Mormon family does one of these. The more people in the photo, and the more ridiculously they are dressed, the more points you get.

      http://www.theculturalhallpodcast.com/2011/11/awkward-mormon-family-photos/

    • Uma Spankhurst says:

      Yes, they do. My family does it every year at Christmas, and we’re not even Mormon. Half of us are atheists. That you don’t get this is probably why you’ll be crying in your beer on November 7th, wondering how in the heck your side lost.

      The left has the ability to identify with the mainstream. They just spend a lot of time ridiculing it. But you need it to win elections.

    • thebewilderness says:

      Why are all the little boys wearing the same shirt?
      I get the whole color theme dealio, but what is up with all the same? Are they quintuplets or sumpin?

    • DFH no.6 says:

      As Uma Spankhurst noted (before turning hard right and off the logic cliff with the bullshit overgeneralization about “the left’s” alleged inability to identify with “the mainstream”) lots of non-Mormon families do this family picture thing with matching outfits, with Xmas probably being the most common occasion.

      My wife’s large and far-flung (and non-Mormon) family had a reunion a few years back in the ancestral homeland (Cleveland, OH), and one “activity” involved all of us going to a professional photographer and having a big group picture taken, with everyone (men, women, and children) wearing white shirts and jeans (there were more of us than in RMoney’s picture).

      Then most of us had additional subset “nuclear family” pictures taken in these harmlessly silly matching outfits (as my wife, myself, and our two grown children did).

      Come to think of it, though, I have always laughingly referred to that picture of us (displayed on our fireplace mantel) as our “Mormon” family picture, so there’s that.

      My own side of the family (also quite non-Mormon) did a similar (though much smaller) matching outfit reunion picture some years before that, with everyone wearing some version of a Cleveland Indians shirt.

      That picture, however, elicits only sadness, not laughter (well, maybe bitter laughter) at this point in the season. Pretty much at this point every season.

      Now I just bummed myself out. Back to work to cheer myself back up…

  5. Heron says:

    I finally understand what Artemis and Apollo must have felt after listening to Niobe.

  6. Sherm says:

    “He doesn’t always pay taxes, but when he does, he pays less than you. ‘Stay poor, my friends.’”

  7. Bill Murray says:

    evidently the green jello is taking the picture

  8. mark f says:

    Tasty tasty mangoes where NRO’s Katrina Trinko dares suggest that “it’s also great that Barack Obama has two daughters. What has always appealed to me about both men on a personal level is their obvious dedication to their children.”

    A sampling from the comments:

    He’s devoted to them because he wants to make sure they can have all the abortions they want

    Yep, he’s such a good father that he took them to a racist, anti-semitic church for years

    what evidence do you have that Obama is devoted to his daughters? I don’t think such devotion is particularly obvious.

  9. Oldmtnbkr says:

    The whole thing sounds like one of those Chuck Norris jokes.

  10. Dr.Truth says:

    At least he’s not a member of the Choom Gang and I would gamble that he’s never done cocaine.

    If he were elected, that would be a fundamental change…

  11. DrDick says:

    My great grandfather had three sons and a daughter, my grandfather had three sons, my father had a son and a daughter, I had a son, and my son had two sons. Does this make me an awesomely awesome manly man from a line of awesomely awesome manly men? Oh, and I am a for real commie socialist, not one of those imaginary ones like Obama.

    • Lurker says:

      Your story reminds me of another story:

      I’m a bachelor. It runs in the family. My grandfather was a bachelor, my father was a bachelor, I’m also a bachelor and I think my son’s going to remain a bachelor all his life, too.

  12. mark f says:

    Does this make me an awesomely awesome manly man

    Dude, it’s right in your name.

  13. jeer9 says:

    Completely Off Topic But Related to Earlier BB Thread:

    Since Stewart and Colbert are off this week, I decided to give Gilligan’s masterwork another chance and, while I enjoy the intellectual contrast between Walter and his drug associate which produces a lot of black humor related to chemistry, the plot holes remain a mile wide. The firefighters drive by a crashed RV on a lonely unpaved mountain road on their way to the brushfire and apparently never figure out that the RV was at the site of the fire. Meanwhile, there’s an abandoned car nearby whose plates once they’re traced reveal that it is owned by the brother of a recently released meth dealer. (And there’s probably more evidence inside the vehicle.) The county sheriff department never arrives or is never contacted and a Native American with a backhoe just happens to materialize to tow the RV out of the ditch. Later, when the former student is choking over the stench of the corpse, Walter’s wife arrives in the driveway, stands ten feet away from the body while admonishing Captain Cook, and never gets a whiff?! At this point, realism or naturalism as categories sort of seem beside the matter.

    Ohhh, and Romney and Ryan aren’t believable as human beings either. Who’s writing that script?

    • Hogan says:

      Ohhh, and Romney and Ryan aren’t believable as human beings either. Who’s writing that script?

      It’s like one of those movies where you know it’s going to suck because there are six writers in the credits.

    • DFH no.6 says:

      Related to Earlier BB Thread:

      I take back my reply to you in that thread, jeer9, encouraging you to give BB a chance.

      Please, for your own good, avoid the heartache and disappointment and don’t watch any more episodes – you will obviously not like them.

      I would, instead, suggest you find some other show to watch that won’t have any annoying plot holes that impede your enjoyment. There are so many to choose from.

      Back On Topic:

      Damn, SEK, fucking awesome is all I can say.

    • arghous says:

      But Romney’s not human. The OP indicates that Romney’s species is “Homo sap”. So many levels to unpack…

  14. MAJeff says:

    There’s something children of the corn/zombie/the wall fodder about the identically clad children.

    • Njorl says:

      I doesn’t help that three of them are named Malachai.

      Malachai Willard Romney
      Malachai George Romney
      and
      Malachai Mitt Romney

      • Hogan says:

        It’s a Toni Morrison thing.

        When the third one was brought and Eva said “Dewey” again, everybody thought she had simply run out of names or that her faculties had finally softened. “How is anybody going to tell them apart?” Hannah asked her.

        “What you need to tell them apart for? They’s all deweys.”

        When Hannah asked the question it didn’t sound very bright, because each dewey was markedly different from the other two. Dewey one was a deeply black boy with a beautiful head and the golden eyes of chronic jaundice. Dewey two was light-skinned with freckles everywhere and a head of tight red hair. Dewey three was half Mexican with chocolate skin and black bangs. Besides, they were one and two years apart in age. It was Eva saying things like, “Send one of them deweys out to get me some Garret, if they don’t have Garret, get Buttercup,” or, “Tell them deweys to cut out that noise,” or, “Come here, you dewey you,” and, “Send me a dewey,” that gave Hannah’s question its weight.

        Slowly each boy came out of whatever cocoon he was in at the time his mother or somebody gave him away, and accepted Eva’s view, becoming in fact as well as in name a dewey–joining with the other two to become a trinity with a plural name . . . inseparable, loving nothing and no one but themselves.

  15. SEK says:

    By the way, I tagged this post in a way that if it gets enough exposure it might replace Williamson’s original one as the top Google result. So “Like” it on Facebook! Put it into your Twitter machines! Share it through the Google! This could be fun!

  16. ironic irony says:

    Wasn’t there a study released recently that theorized that people who produce more daughters than sons are more attractive (and the reason they make more daughters is to “pass down the prettiness”)? Don’t know what that would mean to the Rmoney’s…..

    Ahem.

  17. tuna says:

    What’s with the blue shirts? Notice how Ryan has been wearing blue shirts? Is the blue shirt thing something Mormon?

  18. Increase Mather says:

    Mock all you want, but we’ll find put who’s right when the election results are in. If Romney wins all (nearly all) of the female vote, Williamson ill be proven right.

  19. bad Jim says:

    Sometimes it’s advisable to buy all the kids the same thing, so no one gets jealous, or so I’ve been told.

    The OP, however, is screamingly, painfully funny. I never want to read anything like that again.

  20. vacuumslayer says:

    Even though I am a gross girl, my father often assures me that was not a total waste of his man-juice.

    And now I am going to try to forget I ever put the words “my father” and “man-juice” in the same sentence.

  21. c u n d gulag says:

    That kid in the lower right hand corner, in the matching shirt, has probably been disinherited.

    He’s not smiling, like everyone else.

    Disinheritance – the Romney Clan was of saying, “I didn’t get a ‘HARUMPH’ outta that guy!”

    Manly-men, and their manly-man offspring, can smile on cue.
    How else do you lure in the unsuspecting?

  22. Is it just me, or does Mitt Romney’s head in this picture look big? Like “photoshopped in over someone else’s head” big. Photoshop Disaster fodder big.

    Just me, really?

  23. marc sobel says:

    You have a typo. The correct description of your translation is not “concept for concept” but “Legitimate” or “Forcible”

  24. Kevin D. Williamson says:

    Finally, an entertaining response. Well done.

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