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Herbal Supplement Writes Real Good

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Speaking of useless plutocrats, ever since Herb Spanfeller senselessly destroyed a profitable and very popular website on account of his world-historically large ego-to-competence ratio, his nameless cronies have been handling the STICKING TO SPORTS at a glacial pace. This is a problem because our private equity dipshit overlords think that writing isn’t a real job and anyone can do it. So the results of these bros trying to emulate the style of actual writers are like handing guitars to two grizzly bears and watching them try to play “Marquee Moon”:

Tanier’s volunteer editing goes on at highly entertaining length, and the best part is that in addition to telling you nothing you couldn’t find out watching the ESPN chyron in ghastly prose it’s a failure even at its only goal of being fodder for a content mill.

The next post written by the anonymous person — I can’t blame them for not including bylines, it’s like when Kennedy didn’t want his name on Bush v. Gore — is possibly even worse. It’s a post about football by someone who shows no evidence of having watched the sport before writing the post, written in the tone of a ten-year-old explaining that they’re running away from home because their parents won’t let them subsist on a diet of Snickers bars and grape Faygo:

The Cleveland Browns were unbelievably bad in their 24-19 loss to the Denver Broncos. Worse than Jets losing to the Dolphins bad.

Yeah, I know you have to link your own previous posts because nobody else is going to, but this is ridiculous. The Broncos are a not very good team with a popgun offense but a defense that can still be pretty formidable on the right night playing at home, and accordingly were actually favored over the overhyped and underachieving Silicon Valley Disrupters. The Dolphins are openly trying to lose and fielding one of the worst rosters of the post-merger era. Even after winning the Gase Bowl Miami’s point differential is 132 points worse (after 8 games!)

Coverage sucked. Play call sucked. Clock management sucked.

I dunno about soccer but in American football it’s “play calls” or “play calling.” Also you need to explain why they sucked or not bother; I can look at the boxscore and see that they lost.

With 3:23 remaining on the clock, down five points and facing a 4th and 4, they even managed to screw up salvaging the game by throwing to the receiver with double coverage not the open one.

Jesus Christ, cast that sentence into the fiery pits of hell.

The post then moves on to Jermaine Whitehead going on a not-very-hinged Twitter rant at fans, which reaches the following climax:

Threatening to kill your fans is not a good look.

This post is a totally proactive new paradigm, on steroids. Easy to see why they don’t think they need professional writers.

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