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Politicizing the Condiment Wars


Right-wingers are very sensitive that their idiot presidents love ketchup.

For the past 40-odd years, whenever ketchup is in the news, it’s because liberals are attacking the stuff. Long before Watergate, when Nixon was in the White House, I kept hearing his political enemies ridiculing him because he allegedly put ketchup on his cottage cheese.

I admit that sounds a bit off-putting to me, but who can blame someone for trying to jazz up cottage cheese, truly one of the most boring foods ever invented.

The next time ketchup made the news, it was Ronald Reagan trying to make a case for its being a vegetable. The Democrats never stopped making fun of him over that. It actually sounded like a joke when he first mentioned it. As I recall, he was trying to make a case for its being counted as a vegetable and therefore part of a balanced diet in school cafeterias.

Of course, we all know it’s not a vegetable, but a fruit, even though it apparently has some vague relationship to tomatoes. The way I can tell it’s not an actual vegetable is that ketchup tastes good.

Now it’s Donald Trump who’s caught in the crosshairs of left-wing elitists. If there’s anything that those morons hate more than a man with a plan to build a wall and cut our taxes, it’s a guy who confesses that his favorite meal is meatloaf and mashed potatoes and, worse yet, likes his steaks well-done and served with ketchup.

Well, yes, you people shouldn’t eat like children. None of the three cases this guy cites is remotely defensible. As to what Nixon was doing, I have no idea. Trump is of course the mental and emotional equivalent of a 6-year old boy so it’s hardly surprising he eats like one. As for Reagan, Democrats weren’t making fun of Reagan (or more specifically his Department of Agriculture). We were trying to ensure that kids eat healthy. That’s not “making fun.” That’s outrage for a horrible policy. I recognize that for conservatives, the only two policies that matter are a) tax cuts for millionaires and b) making liberals feel bad. So yes, Democrats were actually concerned about the health of children, a concept impossible for conservatives to understand. Meanwhile, Obama once ate Dijon mustard on his burger and the right-wing establishment went up in a collective ball of outrage smoke for his anti-American ways. The fact that Dijon mustard is objectively a better condiment than ketchup is only more evidence that like on every other position, Republicans are simply wrong on their food choices and they should be made to feel ashamed for it.

Still, at least they aren’t Canadians.

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