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The Indignant Glove-Slap on Christmas

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It occurs me that Santa Truthers are probably the same sort of people who hand out toothbrushes–or, worse, raisins–on Halloween.

As an atheist who celebrates Christmas, the idea of taking Santa out of the mix just, frankly, bums me out. To me, Santa is the best part of Christmas. Then again, I am pretty much everything that people who implore you remember “the reason for the season” abhor. For me, Christmas is all about pretty lights, pretty decorations, pretty cookies and not-so-pretty consumerism. I admit it: I love decorating the house and buying STUFF for people.

But I think it’s pretty hard to make the case that I am warring on Christmas. Or even being rude to Christmas. People say “Merry Christmas” to me and I say it back to them. (Although “Happy Holidays” is my preference because I’m aware that plenty of people don’t celebrate Christmas, for a variety of reasons.) I realize this is all anecdotal, yet I’m still confident in calling “bullshit” on the “War on Christmas.” So I don’t care if you are a dour Santa Truther or a hypocritical Christian who’s forgotten the reason…please know that the War on Christmas is as real as Santa.

And so it is in the spirit of mocking idiot Christians who say “Merry Christmas” just to spite you that I offer you an encore presentation of last year’s “War on Christmas” post. Enjoy:

My Dearest Love,

I write to you with the gravest of news. The War on Christmas continues, but I fear our side makes no inroads. The fearsome warriors of Fox and Friends and their mighty general, Billo the Blowhard, prove too strong a foe.

Darling, you know this weighs on me more heavily than most, as I am atheist. And, so, it is with an ailing heart that I inform you of this grim chapter in our righteous fight.

Last night, I awoke to find the house festooned with evergreens, gayly-colored balls, queer, tiny lights and garishly-wrapped gifts. There appeared to be at least one stocking hanging from the mantle. And it had clearly been hung with care. It was hideous sight, and I confess I felt a bit ill upon seeing it. Who had unleashed this Merry Mayhem? I searched for a culprit. Only to find she stared back at me from the mirror–it was I! Oh, the horror! It seems I had become manic with some sort of cheer…some sort of Christmas-induced spirit, and I had committed these atrocities myself.

War truly is Hell. Still, I fight on, my love.

Warm Regards,

Your Anti-Christmas Valkyrie

 

 

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