Revelations

You’ll be happy to know that the fine folks at William Morrow has commissioned the not-at-all-discredited detective Mark Furhman to solve all our many unanswered questions about the mysterious death of Terri Schiavo. For those of you who can’t wait to get your hands on what is undoubtedly a masterpiece of literature and detective work, The General has the summary of his many new findings:

10. Schiavo lost the will to live when Howard Dean described her as being a white woman.

9. Tom Delay offered to give Terri half of his brain but was told that he couldn’t because greedy brown people had already offered theirs.

8. Michael Moore, Jeanine Garofalo, Tim Robbins, and Susan Sarandon pitched in to pay a hit man to murder Schiavo when they learned that she could pinpoint the location of Saddam’s WsMD.

7. Michael Schiavo was nowhere near Cambodia on Christmas Eve in 1968.

6. Hillary Klinton beat Vince Foster to death with Terri’s comatose body.

5. Jimmy Carter ordered Schiavo to be silenced because she knew about Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez’ plan to destroy Galveston Texas with his fleet of Vorgon battle cruisers.

4. Zell Miller’s bite was meant to heal not to kill.

3. How phone calls originating from a Fox News studio fueled Schiavo’s secret love for Bill O’Reilly.

2. Jeff Gannon performed a medical examination on Schiavo and determined that she could be saved if the ANWR was opened up for oil exploration.

1. Detective Fuhrman reveals that Schiavo was murdered “by her husband, who is secretly a brown person!”

Oh, and I think that this confirms that the answer to Atrios’ question is “No, nothing.”