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Because I’m a Jew and my G-d enjoys a good spiting

[ 171 ] March 10, 2014 |

Who is the bigger asshole? The person I wrote about

  • in this story (about which I’m providing no information)

Or the person I wrote about

  • in this story (about which I’m also providing no information)

I’m The Management here, and I aim to make sure no one forgets it.

(Also, feel free to comment on the quality of the accompanying images in those stories, because I’m the visual rhetoric guy and all.)

WHAT? YOU THINK I CAN’T BE FRIENDLY?

[ 73 ] March 9, 2014 |

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: (standing beneath a tree, yelling into SEK’s window) HEY, ARE THESE YOUR STICKS?

SEK: (under his breath) Don’t say “they’re probably the tree’s,” don’t say “they’re probably the tree’s,” don’t say “they’re probably the tree’s.”

SEK: (out his window) THEY’RE PROBABLY THE TREE’S!

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: SO THEY’RE NOT YOURS? I CAN THROW THEM AWAY?

SEK: YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH THEM!

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: SO I CAN THROW THEM AWAY?

SEK: SURE!

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: BECAUSE I’M GOING TO THROW THEM AWAY!

SEK: GO AHEAD!

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: IN THE TRASH!

SEK: GOOD JOB!

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: THANKS!

SEK: YOU’RE WELCOME!

SEK’S NEIGHBOR: GOOD TALK!

JUST LOOK AT HER FACE! THERE IS NOTHING ADORABLE ABOUT IT!

[ 211 ] March 7, 2014 |

How do you think Twitter reacted to the recently released trailer of the Will Smith-produced Annie remake? Pretty much as you’d expect

Movie studio capitulates to Christians who complained about “historical inaccuracies” in Noah, a film about a man who fit all the animals ever into a single boat, sans provisions, and lived

[ 428 ] March 6, 2014 |

"God, why did you create so many fucking idiots?"

Given that I also write for The Onion, I feel I should point out that this article is not from The Onion. But if we were better people — did less of that awful sinning against the Lord and stuff — we could live in a world where it would be.

Jeff Goldstein stepped up his game, taken 110 percent to the next level

[ 161 ] March 5, 2014 |

Mere mortals bleg for money on occasion — and only in the direst of straits — but Jeff Goldstein does it every month, so he can handle the pressure. He’s been here before.

This month, however, he’s turned it up to eleven, and needs you to answer his call so he can hit it on all cylinders, because now he wants you to buy him a house.

The man is just putting on a clinic, I tell you, and he needs you to peak at his right time. He has a chance to do something special here, in terms of representing for the fiscally responsible.

I just hope he’s up to the task, because when it comes to payoffs, anything can happen.

Lucky for him, though, it doesn’t matter whether he wins or loses — he’ll go home.

Me on what Spike Jonze teaches us about him in Her

[ 12 ] February 20, 2014 |

My new “Internet Film School” column is up. Sample:

Typically, romances rely on a small stable of predictable-but-effective techniques that convince the audience it’s witnessing the first, chemical blush of fresh love.

The most basic of these techniques is the two-shot, in which the director places both prospective lovers in the same frame. A series of two-shots, stacked one after the other, has a cumulative effect on the audience, which begins to expect to see these two characters together in every shot. After a while, shots that only contain one of the lovers will strike the audience as oddly empty, even if the sole lover in it is centrally framed in a way that would make it impossible for the other to be in the shot. By manipulating audience expectations in this way, the missing lover becomes an absent-presence in the film, something the audience wants to see. If the director only includes one lover in shots for an extended period of time, the audience will begin to feel that something is “wrong,” because the director is confounding the expectation he or she created. When the director relents and fulfills that expectation with a two-shot of the lovers reunited, the frame suddenly seems somehow more “correct” to the audience.

The problem Jonze faced in directing Her becomes obvious…

 

At least he knows who’s more important

[ 83 ] February 14, 2014 |

GUY AT SEK’S DOOR: Hey friend, it’s windy, ain’t it?

SEK: I guess.

GUY AT SEK’S DOOR: Mind if I park in your driveway?

SEK: A little. I might need to use it.

GUY AT SEK’S DOOR: Thanks, I’ll just be a while.

SEK: I didn’t say “Yes.”

GUY AT SEK’S DOOR: You want me to park in the street?

SEK: It’s not a heavily trafficked road.

GUY AT SEK’S DOOR: It’ll just be a while. I won’t block you in.

SEK: You will, in fact, be blocking me in. And what happens when my wife gets home?

GUY AT SEK’S DOOR: Can’t she park on the street?

The head SEK doesn’t have explodes.

Finis.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and interracial families in America

[ 120 ] February 12, 2014 |

While at The Raw Story retreat last weekend in San Francisco, my colleague Arturo Garcia and I had a long conversation about the show that went something like this

I am become famous, destroyer of worlds…

[ 30 ] January 29, 2014 |

(this is another guest post from Steven Attewell of Race for the Iron Throne, the LGM podcast, and the comment threads)

So…who knew you could get paid for writing about this stuff?  Don’t worry, I don’t intend to forget all the people who got me to where I am today…they shall be the first targets of my intricately-planned revenge.

New Internet Film School post at the AV Club…

[ 23 ] January 23, 2014 |

…and I know I’m slacking here, well aware of the fact, plan to rectify it, etc. etc. etc. But you can read what I have written over here. No lasers, but will arrows suffice?

“Dear the Doctor, if you can read this tweet…”

[ 41 ] January 4, 2014 |

I may have enjoyed writing this piece too much, for obvious reasons. But it also works as a nice excuse to rejoin the LG&M community. I mean, if you don’t love me for Who-related scientific blather, why would you love me at all?

I could tell you long boring stories about why I haven’t been around as much as I ought to be, but it’s really because I’m The Office Jew and it was Christmas, so I picked up ALL THE SHIFTS.

More from me soon, as soon as I finish recuperating from drunken revelry with Brockington in the Big Easy.

Oddest Christmas tradition?

[ 19 ] December 5, 2013 |

I might have you trumped.

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