Let’s Check in on The Federalist

As always, the Federalist writers are having a normal one.

First, there’s Dave Carter, who is upset the show he’s watching is not a completely different show.

This is nowhere more apparent than in various dramatic series wherein leftist must check off a litany of boxes to deem the program gutsy and brave. So it is on one show that, fresh after a tense surgery in which a patient’s life hangs precariously in the balance, two young male surgeons check into the nearest supply closet to make out like rabbits, all for our viewing pleasure.

Do rabbits make out? More importantly, is it really that gutsy to simply acknowledge that gay surgeons exist?

Next come all the obligatory genuflections to this or that trendy cause, and no program genuflected more deeply or frequently than “Bluff City Law.” This is terribly distressing, given the stellar cast of the show, with the legendary Jimmy Smits leading the group as attorney Elijah Strait.

Set in Memphis, the series featured some prime views of local restaurants, hotels, music venues, and gorgeous panoramic shots of the city and the Hernando de Soto Bridge over the Mississippi River. In that respect, the program was like “NCIS: New Orleans,” which features incredible footage from the French Quarter and the Garden District. But the similarities end there.

It’s not like the thousandth iteration of NCIS? I’m out.

What started out as a program with the potential to highlight life in the Bluff City quickly degenerated into yet another effort to parody the church, large business, free speech, and anyone who fails to fall in line with latest leftist political epiphany. 

I don’t know how anyone parodies any of these things and I’m pretty certain Dave Carter doesn’t know the precise definitions of half the words he uses in this essay. No, that’s not it. He knows what the words mean, he just doesn’t know how to use them correctly.

What exactly is so “gutsy” about going up against an institution that nearly all popular culture routinely vilifies and mocks? That’s not gutsy. It’s banal. It’s underwhelming and overworked. It’s playing to tired stereotypes and is precisely the sort of predictable and platitudinous pablum that convinces people to reach for the remote.

Here he uses all his fancy “p” words correctly, yet still managed to make me regret the invention of the English language.

The problem for the iconoclasts of the left is that, having nearly run out of societal pillars to deface and destroy, they’re reduced to swinging their clubs and breaking the remaining rubble into smaller pieces. The result is that they’re no longer iconoclasts. They’re just boring.

It’s clear this guy is giving his well-thumbed thesaurus quite a work out and–god bless him–he is enjoying himself.

Want really gutsy programing? Try defending the rights of those who want to publish a cartoon of Muhammed. Show the relentless courage of upholding women’s rights to live free from beatings and assaults in communities where Sharia is prevalent. Show an intrepid legal team grappling with whether to defend Planned Parenthood against a lawsuit from the family of a young woman who died from a botched abortion.

Ah, yes, why doesn’t Bluff City Law talk about that about how Memphis is a city chockablock with Sharia crimes? And why not an episode centering on “botched abortion,” a thing that happens all the time.

Want to be edgy and audacious while taking on issues that matter in Memphis? Don’t just use the city as the backdrop. Instead, welcome real Memphis onto the program. When the characters take a walk in downtown Memphis to think deeply about court case drama, let the sounds of police sirens and fire truck airhorns jolt them back to reality as they ponder the existential question of where they might seek cover should they hear gunshots. When Jimmy Smits’s character goes strolling through Riverside Park, let him encounter a local thug who robs him and beats him within an inch of his life — just like what happens every day in Memphis.

OK, I for one, am horrified that someone is beating and robbing Jimmy Smits every day in Memphis. Tragic.

Meanwhile, Tristan Tate is imploring us to have Porn Star Story Hours with our kids. But, wait, there’s a twist. See, he doesn’t really want us to have to porn star story hours. He–I’m assuming–is crapping his pants because he doesn’t want his children attending compulsory Drag Queen story times. What? It’s not compulsory you say? Then it’s weird Tristan is melting down like this.

Now I know what some of you will say: “Wait a minute there, Mr. Tate — porn is entertainment aimed at adults.” Why, yes it is! But don’t be so stupid, mums and dads! They aren’t performing porn at the schools. They are simply reading stories. How can you possibly object?

“But, Tristan, won’t this raise awkward questions between the kids and their parents?” Won’t they ask “Mom, why is the lady dressed that way?”

Well, it’s your job to teach your kids not to be slut shamers or bigots. If you think it’s immoral to let your kids see such things, you’re slut shaming and should be punished. It is the porn actress’s prerogative to do what she wants with her body.

You see, parents, what the adult entertainment industry stands for is creativity and self-expression. Your moral problems with it don’t matter. I know these ideas are good for your kids. It can’t possibly affect your kids in a negative way.

After all, it’s just story time—nothing more, nothing less. The only difference is the story readers will be dressed in sexually explicit clothing. If you question this, you need to be more accepting.

Some will accuse me of having some agenda. Perhaps I am trying to promote the lifestyle so I can hire more webcam models in the future? Perhaps I am trying to sexualize the minds of children?

NO WAY. Guys. These are just stories! It doesn’t matter that these performers perform naked, or for adults, or in adult nightclubs, or in a sexual manner. Children need stories read to them. And sometimes teachers (who we all know, love, and trust to read stories to kids) just need a 30-minute break for no reason.

Wow, see how he flipped the script on us? Now, we cannot deny that porn stars and drag queens are the exact same people who do the exact same things. Lesson learned!