Who should be in the next Democratic debate?

You’ve got four obvious top-tier candidates at this point: Biden, Harris, Sanders, and Warren. I’d say the odds that one of these people will be the nominee is about 97%.

So what about the rest of the crew?

John Delaney

Every time I see this guy on stage I get seriously irritated. A rando middle-aged white guy who looks like your CPA and sounds like a DNC position paper from 1997. Get out of here.

Andrew Yang

Totally unqualified tech bro with one idea. I do like the bold fashion statement though. Bye.

Julian Castro

Tough call here. I think there ought to be a Latino in the race until at least Iowa, and this is the only one. Had a great take on impeachment last night too. But he doesn’t seem to be getting any traction at all, so . . . OK you can stay.

Marianne Williamson

This is an insult to everybody’s intelligence, taste, and good judgment. In terms of qualifications, makes Andrew Yang look look Abraham Lincoln. Has already gotten the equivalent of tens of millions of dollars of free advertising for her new age gobbledygook publishing racket. Enough already.

Cory Booker

It’s not happening OK? Booker sounded like a potential formidable candidate on paper, but it hasn’t worked out. Better leave now, before too many people remember you ran this time.

Tulsi Gabbard

One Russian asset in the Oval Office is one too many.

Amy Klobuchar

See Cory Booker

Jay Inslee

He should stay in for now because somebody needs to talk non-stop about climate change, and he’s the guy.

John Hickenlooper

The most pointless campaign of all of them. I know you don’t want to be in the Senate, but there’s this little thing called creeping fascism, Hick. So saddle up for that, or get thee to a brewery.

Beto O’Rourke

It was cute for awhile but it isn’t any more. You got to know when to walk away, and know when to run. (He’s actually already qualified for the next debate, so he’s not going to quit now, but he would if he knew what was good for him).

Kirsten Gillibrand

She should have been a strong candidate, but the Franken thing killed her chances, quite unfairly, but it is what it is.

Tim Ryan

Still not sure who he is. Not a good sign at this juncture.

Pete Buttigieg

Eh. I guess . . . His qualifications are paper-thin, mainly because he’s way too young, and his main function seems to be provide a centrist option for people who don’t want to vote for another het white guy, but he clearly has a fan base.

Seth Moulton

Seriously?

Michael Bennet

Zzzzzzz. Sorry, what were we talking about again?

Steve Bullock

The Koch brothers really hate him. Other than that, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be running for the Senate, and that’s not reason enough.

Bill de Blasio

What is the matter with these guys? At long last, have they no sense of dignity? New York City hates you but it wants you back at your day job.

So that’s seven. Not a bad number.