Home / General / Is it Festivus yet? Because I have some grievances to air.

Is it Festivus yet? Because I have some grievances to air.


Some days I find the perfect stock photography to accompany a story, and I think to myself, “SEK, what you published at 9:56 a.m. is awesome. You cropped that perfectly and rule.”

Then later that day, someone at a more heavily trafficked site finds the exact same perfect stock photography to accompany the exact same story, except this person crops improperly, so I think to myself, “SEK, what she published at 1:17 p.m. is not awesome. She cropped that terribly, failed to link to your article and does not rule.”

But then I remember that that is how cookies crumble on the Internet, and that I am a cookie and other people are monsters, so I think to myself, “SEK, who are you to complain?”

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  • OMG, my boss is currently in Germany. I hope he isn’t eaten by a cannibal. Last month when he went to South Africa he got car jacked. Ghana may be the only safe place left in the world.

    • Ronan


    • Gregor Sansa

      My step-father-in-law is currently in Germany. I don’t hope he gets eaten by a cannibal, his job is really important and he makes the world a much better place in general. But I do hope that in some crazy cannibal-related hijinks he somehow loses the stick up his a$$.

      • Gregor Sansa

        Or maybe I hope that he somehow gets on the wrong G-country-related airplane to go home, and ends up in Ghana, and learns to relax. And also some interesting facts about Maoist street names.

        • Maoist street names? We have streets named after African leaders like Lumumba and Sankara. There is also a street named after Tito, but he was not a Maoist.

        • Lee Rudolph


    • Tell him to dress up as a clown.

      Cannibals won’t eat clowns – because they taste funny.

      Also clowns are totally creepy.

      • Manta

        Clowns are like oysters: you have to open the hard outer shell and then you can eat the inside.

        • herr doktor bimler

          And they squirt water in your eye in the process.

    • InnerPartisan

      You Boss is probably save. I’ve lived in Germany my entire life, and I haven’t been eaten yet – not even once!

      • InnerPartisan

        An edit function. My fridge full of long pig for an edit function.

  • ruviana

    Just so long as he didn’t eat that dude with ketchup!

    • efgoldman


      • Sauerbraten.

        • Lee Rudolph


          • Lord Dunsany

            Two bottles of relish.

          • I coulda sworn it was carrot!

    • CD

      What *are* the acceptable condiments in this situation?

      • efgoldman

        What *are* the acceptable condiments in this situation?

        Based on the hundreds and hundreds of comments on this blog, something so hot and spicy that you can’t actually taste what you’re eating.

      • herr doktor bimler

        Analeptic Alzabo.

        • Mr Rogers


      • Graham Chapman

        A few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce ..

      • Scream cheese.

  • McAllen

    Detlev G. and his victim exchanged emails and text messages in which the victim expressed a desire to be killed and eaten.

    Although the two met via the cannibalism site, there is no evidence that Detlev G. actually consumed any of the victim’s body.

    You can’t trust anybody on the internet.

    • I really hope the search for evidence included the use of a boroscope.

  • Warren Terra

    I just want to point out that the dude in the photo is wearing a hat.

  • Ann Outhouse

    “SEK, who are you to complain?”

    I thought that was the whole point of blogging.

    • Anonymous

      “SEK, who are you to complain?”

      Well, your the goddam Batman, etc.

    • SEK must not be a man. A famed SciFi author says men don’t complain.

  • Jean-Paul Sartre

    I am a cookie and other people are monsters, so I think to myself, “SEK, who are you to complain?”

    My life’s work is finally understood.

  • efgoldman

    SEK, I don’t think you should be giving your crazy neighbor any ideas.

    • Yep.. Christianity really is all about the ritual cannibalism.

      • MAJeff

        People get a little freaked out when you point that out, though.

  • heckblazer

    “Online cannibalism forum”? WTF, Germany?

    • With a more thorough search, you might be able to find on closer to home.

      • herr doktor bimler

        Some wag in the Rawstory comment thread suggests Free Republic.

      • heckblazer

        Yeah, but is there an American one that matches facilitating two cases of consensual cannibalism?

        • Manta

          They should expand to US.

    • Pretty sure it’s not just a German thing, unfortunately.

  • herr doktor bimler

    I will not eat green eggs and Sam.

    • efgoldman

      +2, over medium.

      • Lee Rudolph

        Adam and Steve on a raft.

        • LittlePig

          Wreck ’em.

  • Morbo

    Wonder if Rammstein will make a song about it this time. The last one was pretty fun.

    • BigHank53

      Rammstein, despite their immense efforts, has never come close to equaling the world’s premier fat-suit video.

  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

    • herr doktor bimler


    • max

      If vegetarians eat vegetables

      If a vegan ate another vegan would it be cannibalism?

      [‘What if she/he fed it to her/his cat?’]

      • ChrisTS

        Actually, what do vegans feed their cats?

        • TribalistMeathead

          I know there’s vegan dog food, so there’s probably vegan cat food too.

    • Vance Maverick

      Is humanitables a word?

  • efgoldman

    I bet Loomis is somewhere chewing his nails over the Horrible Nike Fashion Statements. Hell of a game.

    • Karen

      I presume you mean Oregon – Oregon State, and if so, my Lord was that the Ugly Uniforms Bowl. Oregon State in head to two radioactive orange and Oregon in bright green jerseys and shiny yellow pants with green and yellow shoes. It nearly broke my TV.

      • ChrisTS

        Eye-popping to be sure, but I think our own Eagles take the win for most dull and ugly color combination.

    • You mean another dominating Oregon victory against the Beavers? Yes!

      • efgoldman

        Hardly “dominating.”
        Enjoy the Midas Muffler / Nasictalk / Dollar Store Bowl.

  • So, when you talk amongst yourself like that, do you pronounce it “sek” (rhyming with “met”) or “es ee kay”? Or perhaps some heretofore unthought of variation?

    • Gary K

      I would count “sek” rhyming with “met” as heretofore unthought. Rhyming with “dreck” perhaps?

      • There ya go. Long day and I’m stoned and nothing would come up. That short “e” sound, anyway, the “eh”.

        • Ahuitzotl

          You’re stoned? in New Orleans? how could that be?

          • ChrisTS

            Somewhere, a NSA computer is pinging.

    • Snarki, child of Loki

      If there is more than one SEK, does that mean we get to have SEKs?

      Just asking for a friend, of course.

      • Lee Rudolph

        There can be only one.

        • ChrisTS

          So, we’re looking down a short tube to extinction, then?

  • Pinko Punko

    Leaving the donut on there was the height of hack. She just playing you. Like a serial killer baiting the cops.

  • Das ist der Weg das Cookie bröckelt.

    • stickler

      So bröckelt die Kekse, wenn mann auf Hochdeutsch schreiben wollte.

      • InnerPartisan

        Der Keks. “Die Kekse” is plural. (Technically speaking, “Keks” is a natural plural – it’s actually a loan word, from the English “cakes”.)

  • I’d actually probably be more direct than you. I’d be hounding Gawker twitter’s feed over and over about them ripping off your article. Of course, I can bet set off like a firecracker.

    • Manju

      ripping off your article.

      donut = plausible deniability

  • Mr. Madame Psychosis

    So the non-complaining cookie is just cleverly saying to Gawker “Eat Me”?

  • Mr. Madame Psychosis

    On a more curious note –

    First let me say if I assume your cropped image is primarily meant to be funny and clever for the way it touches on some of the principal elements of the original news article, it succeeded nicely because I found it both funny and clever in this regard, at first glance.

    But in NFL vernacular, upon further review, isn’t the image more than a little misleading in that it places unwarranted importance on the fact that the killer/wannabe cannibal also just happened to work as a cop?

    The original article itself does this too with its headline and
    first paragraph. However it appears Detlef G.’s occupation had almost nothing to do with the relevant facts of the murder and dismemberment as reported.

    Now I declare I’m as anti-‘authoritarian/violent police state’ as they come but still to me there seems to be some unfair prejudice against cops baked into the way this story was reported. He presumably didn’t kill while on duty or use his job as leverage against the victim or in any other way to justify his actions.

    But I’m afraid your headline and the image suggests being a cop is an important aspect of this case. And it really isn’t. Cannibals need to work too.

    Anyway I know I can be kind of a wet blanket before the first java jolt, but I found the news article confusing and the subsequent re-posts more so and I felt like publicly dissecting why. Oh glorious internet, I thank ye.

    • Mr. Madame Psychosis

      And all that above of course does not excuse the highly probable, lazy cannibalism by Gawker of your Raw Story post. Their uncropped image makes no sense at all. Would not an editor get this? A simple doughnut aborts the joke before it’s even made.

      • Mr. Madame Psychosis

        After reading Shakezula (The Mic Rula) below, I retract my ‘lazy cannibalism’ above. There are quite a few links to other news outlets’ details and more copy.

        The image may have been lazily co-opted because I still don’t see how the full image has anything more than tangential pertinence – Look! Cop Licking! Funny!! It makes no sense in the context of article it’s attached to.

    • JakeInDk

      Mr MP, I admire your objectivity and share it. The man’s profession is irrelevant, the only reason the picture comes into play is because of the uniform. Well spoken.

      Assisted suicide is illegal in DE. But if it wasn’t this would make for a very interesting case – both parties fulfilled their parts of the agreement until Detlev failed to eat the victim. Could make for a good courtroom drama :)

      • Mr. Madame Psychosis

        That’s interesting. And I guess the victim would need to get a channeling lawyer to sue for breach.

        Or coincidentally if metempsychosis was in play. Ha!

        btw assisted suicide/euthanasia happens to be a topic I like to follow. Thanks for the link.

  • You know, when you said Gawker had run the “exact same story,” I was expecting to see the exact same story as yours.

    But what you really mean is the post is based on the same story you covered, but because the same shuttercock picture appears you leaped to the conclusion she cribbed from you, even though her story contains substantially more original copy.

    This is like the Washington Post accusing the NYT of plagiarism because both papers independently picked the same story off the AP wire. Except, not really because the Post would be really fucking careful before flinging that kind of accusation around. You certainly don’t have anything to complain about now. Maybe later?

    • Manju

      because the same shuttercock picture appears

      Say what you will about SEK, but dic pics aren’t his thing.

    • Mr. Madame Psychosis

      Good point. I concur with the analogy.

    • mark

      Nah, SEK didn’t accuse them of plagiarism, he just bemoaned that they came up with the same joke and thus making him look less brilliantly original. Even though he was first.

      The fact that gawker did the joke worse makes it unlikely that they copied IMHO.

    • SEK

      But what you really mean is the post is based on the same story you covered, but because the same shuttercock picture appears you leaped to the conclusion she cribbed from you, even though her story contains substantially more original copy.

      From the entire universe of stock photography, she happened to choose the same exact picture as I did? (Which I linked directly to at the bottom of my article, as per our agreement with Shutterstock.) I find that suspicious.

      As for the difference between our stories, I can tell you exactly where she got that additional information: the BBC article that came out a few hours after mine, in which it was revealed that he wasn’t an officer, but a forensic analyst. But that’s neither here nor there.

  • OK, what is WITH the cannibal cops? What is with this paraphilia?

    People so fucked up and weird, and not in the adorable Manic Pixie Dream Girl way.

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