Because it’s Saturday night and there are (and soon will be) so many new faces around here, I feel the need to remind y’all of who I am and why I “matter.” This is a primer I wrote for prospective grad students back in 2007 when I had things like hope and a future. That it doesn’t reflect that says something. I won’t say what. You’re more than welcome to.
A is for Anxiety. Who are you, Derrida?
B is for the Bore you are, to all but Ma and Pa.
C is for the Coin you drop on Copies you deface,
D for the Despair you feel, producing at this pace.
E is for the Energy you wasted all these years,
F for Fraud, for Failure, Fake, whatever, these are tears.
G is for the Game you play, imagining you’ll finish,
H for Harry Potter. You fancy games of Quiddich.
I‘s for Isolation, you’re alone in this you know?
J‘s for all the Joy you’ll feel in this Hell when it snows.
K is for the grade you’d give, to see that student sob,
L‘s for Lucky, like you’ll be, to ever Land a job.
M is for the Money you’d be rolling in by now,
N for all the Notes you lost, although you’re not sure how.
O is for the wailing of your apoplectic fit,
P for all the Pressure, which you handle [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
Q is for the Questions, all the dumb ones that you ask,
R for the Revisions, Resubmissions in your past.*
T is for the Time spent, reading this instead of that,
U for Unproductive, like the time spent with your cat.
V is for the Virtues you can always cultivate,
When you have a real life, at some undetermined date.
X is for the ones you love, but avoided for your cause,
Y ‘s for you, you you you you, and working without pause.
Z is for the Žižek, he’s really rad, I hear,
And now you know Grad ABCs, who here wants more beer?
*S is for the Shit that you inevitably leave out.
(And also for how stupid, you feel foot firm in mouth.)