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The Cheney Library

[ 24 ] May 1, 2013 |

I know Cheney jokes are easy, but this is still awesome:

“The Cheney Museum offers a firsthand look at the life and work of our nation’s 46th vice president,” said head curator Jonathan Luddom, a 7-foot-tall blind cavern dweller with third-degree burns on his face and limbs. “From the Hall of Obfuscation, to the Pit of Yellowcake Uranium, to the interactive waterboarding exhibit for kids, this library is a stirring tribute to who Mr. Cheney is and what he believes in.”

“Now I must go and search for food and moisture,” continued Luddom, moments before being devoured by a swarm of ravenous bats.

The museum, which officials confirmed is under constant and comprehensive video and audio surveillance at all times, from all possible angles, will feature ceaseless cackling heard in the distance, noxious fumes, and a preserved recreation of Cheney’s office, including the former vice president’s desk, reportedly made from the skulls and femurs of over 4,000 dead Iraqi civilians.

Sources also reported that the library’s Quagmire Wing contains an endless, unannounced chasmic drop into total nothingness.

“The exhibit on how he created a sprawling security state is amazing—I learned so much,” said visitor Emma Moser, 29, as Black Ops agents tracked her every movement. “And it was so cool reading about what a huge part he played in destabilizing the Middle East for generations to come. What a fascinating life!”

“And I can’t believe that’s his original heart preserved in a glass case in the atrium!” Moser added. “It was neat how it was all charred and blackened.”


Comments (24)

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  1. Thers says:

    What, no man-sized safe jokes?

  2. efgoldman says:

    Easy and funny are in no way mutually exclusive, or there wouldn’t be pie fights.

  3. N__B says:

    Someone needs to send a link to W. He’ll die of jealousy.

  4. calling all toasters says:

    “If you build it, they will fester.”

  5. CaptBackslap says:

    The Sponsored Content from the KKK is also magnificent.

  6. That was great but it really must be hard to be an Onion writer these days.

  7. Dilan Esper says:

    Reagan proved libraries don’t matter.

  8. joel hanes says:

    Opening soon: the “Bonfire Of The Evidence” hands-on exhibit, in which children can learn to pile incriminating materials in a replica of the Naval Observatory, and how to start a fire of “unexplained origin”.

  9. Anonymous says:

    As it turns out, the Yellowcake Pit is an empty hole.

  10. c u n d gulag says:

    What’s even scarier, is that the architects were informed to leave room for an even larger “Liz Cheney Wing.”

    It’s to be built after Congress and the nation repeals the 22nd Amendment, establishes a pure Monarchy, with none of those pesky Magna Carta/US Constitution limitations of powers, and she finishes her 6 terms as Queen President, before passing her crown to yet another Cheney – or, if none of them want it, another Bush certainly will.

  11. Surreal American says:

    Cool! Now I know where I can go to view an original edition of the Necronomicon.

  12. Shakezula says:

    Are you sure this is from the Onion?

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