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The Cheney Library


I know Cheney jokes are easy, but this is still awesome:

“The Cheney Museum offers a firsthand look at the life and work of our nation’s 46th vice president,” said head curator Jonathan Luddom, a 7-foot-tall blind cavern dweller with third-degree burns on his face and limbs. “From the Hall of Obfuscation, to the Pit of Yellowcake Uranium, to the interactive waterboarding exhibit for kids, this library is a stirring tribute to who Mr. Cheney is and what he believes in.”

“Now I must go and search for food and moisture,” continued Luddom, moments before being devoured by a swarm of ravenous bats.

The museum, which officials confirmed is under constant and comprehensive video and audio surveillance at all times, from all possible angles, will feature ceaseless cackling heard in the distance, noxious fumes, and a preserved recreation of Cheney’s office, including the former vice president’s desk, reportedly made from the skulls and femurs of over 4,000 dead Iraqi civilians.

Sources also reported that the library’s Quagmire Wing contains an endless, unannounced chasmic drop into total nothingness.

“The exhibit on how he created a sprawling security state is amazing—I learned so much,” said visitor Emma Moser, 29, as Black Ops agents tracked her every movement. “And it was so cool reading about what a huge part he played in destabilizing the Middle East for generations to come. What a fascinating life!”

“And I can’t believe that’s his original heart preserved in a glass case in the atrium!” Moser added. “It was neat how it was all charred and blackened.”

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  • What, no man-sized safe jokes?

    • Malaclypse

      That would lack the subtlety so clearly at work in the rest of the piece.

  • efgoldman

    Easy and funny are in no way mutually exclusive, or there wouldn’t be pie fights.

    • efgoldman

      And of course, the the best satire never veers too far from reality.

      • redrob64

        The problem is that reality so swiftly outruns satire these days. It’s far to easy to confuse it with documentary work.

    • Pie fights are indeed funny.

      • Although I hate to see delicious pie wasted.

        • witless chum

          That’s why they use crème pies, nobody can be that upset. If it was blueberry with crumb topping you’d just be thinking “you terrible nyuking bastards, how could you?”

          • timb

            THIS. It’s like you looked into my soul

  • Someone needs to send a link to W. He’ll die of jealousy.

  • calling all toasters

    “If you build it, they will fester.”

  • CaptBackslap

    The Sponsored Content from the KKK is also magnificent.

    • Is this the Atlantic?

      • rm

        Yes. Yes it is.

    • James Hare

      I’m thinking the folks from Scientology are mad jealous they didn’t hire a writer from the The Onion to gussy up their image. That KKK sponsored content was just magnificent — got the PR-speak down to a science and didn’t shy away from the message. I’m just waiting to hear about some folks in the KKK taking it seriously.

  • That was great but it really must be hard to be an Onion writer these days.

    • Warren Terra

      It’s like the (apocryphal) story of why Tom Lehrer retired …

  • Reagan proved libraries don’t matter.

  • joel hanes

    Opening soon: the “Bonfire Of The Evidence” hands-on exhibit, in which children can learn to pile incriminating materials in a replica of the Naval Observatory, and how to start a fire of “unexplained origin”.

  • Anonymous

    As it turns out, the Yellowcake Pit is an empty hole.

  • c u n d gulag

    What’s even scarier, is that the architects were informed to leave room for an even larger “Liz Cheney Wing.”

    It’s to be built after Congress and the nation repeals the 22nd Amendment, establishes a pure Monarchy, with none of those pesky Magna Carta/US Constitution limitations of powers, and she finishes her 6 terms as Queen President, before passing her crown to yet another Cheney – or, if none of them want it, another Bush certainly will.

  • Surreal American

    Cool! Now I know where I can go to view an original edition of the Necronomicon.

  • Are you sure this is from the Onion?

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