The Daily Caller: Copulating with the Dessicated Corpse of Parody

And you thought a wacko interrupting the president was the most embarrassing thing that would happen to The Daily Caller this week.

Not even close.

This is quite literally one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read.

Bryce Harper is a conservative hero. The star rookie for the Washington Nationals has woken up Major League Baseball, and watching it unfold has reminded me of nothing so much as the collapse of the old political paradigms and the inevitable and upcoming rebirth of conservatism in November.

This became clear to me on May 26 of this year. The Nationals were playing Atlanta, and in the fifth inning Harper, with his team leading by two, singled to right. The ball was hit to Braves right fielder Jason Heyward. Heyward strolled up to the ball as if he were walking to the corner for a paper.

Harper promptly headed for second base. Heyward suddenly woke up and fired to second base, but too late.

More than one sports writer has noted that this moment was no small thing for baseball. It was like the part in the movie “Awakenings” when the guy who was asleep for 30 years wakes up.

To me, the play carried even greater symbolic importance. Heyward’s bungle showed a complacency, if not indolence, that Harper threatens to destroy, but it also could be a metaphor for the collapse of the old liberal order. Heyward was like one of those public school teachers who, because they are a union member, can’t be fired and so are relegated to the “rubber room” to sit and read the paper and gather a check for the rest of their lives. Or even Obama, who went from Hawaii to Harvard to the White House and never seems to have had to slide head-first into a base his entire life.

Believe it or not, it actually gets much worse from there!!! Including this gem of a paragraph:

If America is to be solvent and healthy, we cannot keep doing what we have been doing since the Miracle Mets won the World Series in 1969. We have to do things differently, just as Bryce Harper is not playing baseball the old way. Harper is not going to sit back and accept what the status quo tells him to accept (where does he get off stealing home?). And conservatives are not going to expect to retire at age 65 or to send their kids to the college of their choice if it costs $50,000 a year. We are going to adapt. (In a strange way, conservatives are not only like Bryce Harper, but have become like the do-it-yourself punk rockers of the late 1970s and early 1980s. Don’t have a record label? Start your own. Are the old rock groups bloated and sloppy? Boot them off the stage.) Meanwhile, liberals occupy everything so that they can demand — what was it again? Oh yeah, peace. And taxes.

I have no expectations of good work from any conservative outlet in 2012. But even expecting this to be awful, I was completely blown away. I mean there is no way that the greatest comedy writer in America could create a parody of the conservative worldview better than this.

….In comments, Kathleen notes, “It would have been better if he said, “Heyward strolled up to the ball as if he were a young buck sidling up to the checkout counter to purchase T bone steaks with food stamps”. SEK said more or less the same thing. Showing that because my first impulse is to look for class bias, I can sometimes miss the obvious racism.

91 comments on this post.
  1. SEK:

    You should note that despite the fact that Heywood’s black and Harper’s white, this has nothing to do with racism.

  2. snarkout:

    This car is like punk rock!

  3. Kathleen:

    It would have been better if he said, “Heyward strolled up to the ball as if he were a young buck sidling up to the checkout counter to purchase T bone steaks with food stamps”. (Provided Heyward were “blah…”, of course.)

  4. Kathleen:

    Ah! Thanks, SEK. I didn’t see your post and I was too lazy to click “the googles” to confirm if Heyward was “blah…”. I just took a wild guess.

  5. Big Dry:

    I am unsurprised that a conservative would consider legalized stealing a virtue.

  6. Walt:

    The problem with this post, Erik, is that you will read something stupider next week, and something even stupider the week after that. There is no bottom here. Their capacity for stupidity far outmatches our capacity to imagine it.

  7. Erik Loomis:

    No, see I really don’t think it’s possible. I know I’ll say something is stupid. But it can’t possibly be stupider than this. It just can’t be. If that happens, I’m going to assume a black hole has opened up.

  8. Bay Lib:

    He must be right about one thing:

    “..conservatives are not going to expect to retire at age 65 or to send their kids to the college of their choice if it costs $50,000 a year.”

    Instead, they are going to work til they are 80 because they can’t afford medical insurance. Plus they don’t need no stinking elite colleges because they will home-school their kids so they can all be entrepreneurs and set up businesses making … er.. mm..er… making something or other …er… so they will all be millionaires.

  9. Linnaeus:

    Or even Obama, who went from Hawaii to Harvard to the White House and never seems to have had to slide head-first into a base his entire life.

    As opposed to that hard-knock life that Obama’s predecessor had…

  10. Erin W:

    This sounds like the time they tried to explain that The Who’s music was inherently conservative. I guess entertainment, like reality, has its bias.

  11. Erik Loomis:

    Not to mention Mr. Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps himself, Willard Romney.

  12. FlipYrWhig:

    Oddly enough, I don’t remember conservatives attempting to claim metaphorical credit for the emergence of Ichiro Suzuki, also known for a throwback style. I wonder why that would be.

  13. Hogan:

    I just took a wild guess.

    What luck.

  14. DrDick:

    The Doily Collar is where the rejects from Breitbart’s House of Poo go to decompose.

  15. SEK:

    You must link. It’s the law.

  16. greylocks:

    Harper was all hustle today against the Wankees:

    AB: 7
    R: 0
    H: 0
    RBI: 0
    BB: 0
    SO: 5
    LOB: 5

  17. Darkrose:

    And here I thought Bryce Harper was a convervative hero because he’s an arrogant, showboating jerk with a temper.

    (Disclaimer: For all a know, Bryce Harper is a perfectly nice young man. It’s just that when I compare him to other young amazing ballplayers–say, Madison Bumgarner–he comes off as kind of a douchebro.)

    (Disclaimer 2: And yes, I’m aware that the Giants have a stunningly transparent house in the shape of the number 25 when compiling lists of arrogant ballplayers.)

  18. Erik Loomis:

    That box score looks much like Bush’s foreign policy

  19. Linnaeus:

    Hey, he had to sell some stock just to get by!

  20. c u n d gulag:

    And Jeter, who has hustled every damn play for 17 seasons, is half-Nigrah like the President – so, I guess he doesn’t count.

    And so have countless other players – black, white, yellow, red, and in somewhere in between all of those shadings.

    Also too – this makes George Will and David Brooks writing about sports sound positively enlightening.

    Also three – I’d like this moron to explain his “subtext” about his race theories and hustling to Frank Robinson, and see how long it takes Frank to knock his rather empty head into the Centerfield bleachers.

    THIS IS EPIC!!!

  21. c u n d gulag:

    IOKIYAR hero.

  22. Darkrose:

    Bryce Harper steals home = challenging the status quo

    Gregor Blanco steals home = doesn’t count because…?

  23. Kathleen:

    I’m very good at reading between the lines of “winger speak”.

  24. c u n d gulag:

    Well, in all fairness, The Who DID destroy stages and hotel rooms – kind of like Conservatives destroy things like rights, economies, and laws, so I can see how they might think that.

  25. c u n d gulag:

    Except you’d need to add a whole bunch of zero’s to the LOB column.

    And SO = K, for killed, and that needs a whole raft of zero’s, too.

  26. tech98:

    And conservatives are not going to expect to retire at age 65 or to send their kids to the college of their choice if it costs $50,000 a year. We are going to adapt.

    It looks as if conservatives can no longer stomach the Reaganesque pretense that their ideology will increase living standards for the average person, and are now spinning to the rubes that not being able to retire or send your kids to college is MURKAN FREEDUMB.

  27. howard:

    i just spent 5 minutes looking up game accounts of the braves-nationals on may 26.

    to non-insane people, as several different writeups all said, harper hit a ball to right, heyward bobbled it and didn’t hustle after it, and harper took second and life continued on its merry way, in that taking second aggressively if the right fielder is slow pursuing a ball to him has been part of baseball for the 52 years i’ve been watching the game.

    of course, c u n dgulag, speaking of stats, the yanks started the game a brutal 0-14 with risp before finally breaking through there.

  28. Mike G:

    He forgot to mention how the transit of Venus symbolized the righteousness of upper-bracket tax cuts.

    Change the context from ‘conservatism’ to ‘Juche’ and this would fit nicely in the Pyongyang Korean People’s Daily. Authoritarian-follower right-wingers have more in common with dogmatic communists than they do with moderates.

  29. repsac3:

    That’s just so racist.

    All holes should be equally able to bring about teh stupidgeddon.

  30. c u n d gulag:

    I know, and to quote that great Formula 1 racer, and announcer, Jackie Stewart, “It’s a MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERACLE!!!”

  31. efgoldman:

    …because he’s an arrogant, showboating jerk with a temper.

    I haven’t seen that much of Harper (being in an AL city) but I certainly didn’t get any of that vibe when they played the Red Sox the other week.
    Plus Bumgarner is a pitcher, no?
    I’d sure take all his arrogance and showboating!
    Sometime in the 80s, Bill James wrote that (position) players who come up at 19, and are healthy, mostly become HOF-ers.

  32. greylocks:

    While I’m sure it wouldn’t count in any case for the reasons you hint at, I’m also pretty sure Mark Judge has no fkn clue who Gregor Blanco is.

    His ignorance of baseball screams from the article.

  33. Kyle Huckins:

    Considering how much power conservatives have gained since 1969 he is not wrong about how we cannot continue to do what we’ve done since 1969. They honestly don’t realize they’ve been in charge.

  34. thebewilderness:

    I thought stealing home was a metaphor for stealing elections, which he appears to think is exactly what is going to happen. Again.

  35. thebewilderness:

    That is absolutely priceless.11ty1

  36. The prophet Nostradumbass:

    It’s like, how much more stupid could this be? and the answer is none. None more stupid.

  37. R. Porrofatto:

    …conservatives are not only like Bryce Harper, but have become like the do-it-yourself punk rockers of the late 1970s and early 1980s. Don’t have a record label? Start your own.

    Better yet, start your own video game company! With a honkin’ big gubbmint handout!

    (Speaking of ballplayers and hustle.)

  38. R. Porrofatto:

    Yeah, bear in mind this is Mike Judge, the guy who youstabee a big civil rights advocate until an imaginary Negro stole his bicycle.

  39. thebewilderness:

    Any talk of supply side economics or trickle down is dangerous territory.

  40. John Protevi:

    Sometime in the 80s, Bill James wrote that (position) players who come up at 19, and are healthy, mostly become HOF-ers.

    Very interesting. The examples that spring most readily to mind include Ted Williams, Al Kaline, Ken Griffey Jr, and Alex Rodriguez. And didn’t Pudge Rodriguez come up at 19 too?

  41. Thlayli:

    That sound you hear in the background is John Lydon ROFLHAO at that quote.

  42. John Protevi:

    And while Bryce Harper bats left (hmmm), he throws right, so he’s not “left-handed” as the writer would have it in comparing him to his ancestor (who is probably rotating in his crypt).

  43. howard:

    i believe it was age 20, not 19, that james referenced, and the examples, as i recall, went back to mel ott.

    and if i further recall, the context was talking about reuben sierra, who turned out to be the exception to the rule.

  44. LeeEsq:

    Conservative and punk are two words which should rarely if ever share the same sentence.

  45. Scott Lemieux:

    He also spent a lot of time bitching at umpires while he was taking the platinum sombrero. Very Republican.

  46. Kyle Huckins:

    It’s fine as long as you put a negation between the two.

  47. Sockie the Sock Puppet:

    I think Mark Foley would disagree with that.

  48. Thlayli:

    Win.

  49. Incontinentia Buttocks:

    There’s something about arrogant white guys playing baseball that warms the cockles of rightwing hearts. Ever seen 4192, the official Pete Rose documentary hagiographic film?

    Turns out that Pete Rose pretty much is America.

  50. Anonymous:

    Yeah, Harper’s crybaby act was pretty nauseating. F.P. Santangelo, the Nats excellent TV color analyst, said that either Davey or a few of the veterans in the clubhouse will probably take Harper aside and tell him to apologize to Timmons ASAP, if they want to get any calls tomorrow.

    That said, Timmons did miss a huge call at home plate in the bottom of the 8th that likely cost the Nats the game. Moore was safe by a mile; Martin’s glove didn’t hit him until most of his forearm was across the plate. And I say that as a Yanks fan.

  51. Warren Terra:

    I thought the Conservative Hero Baseball Player was John Rocker.

  52. Warren Terra:

    I thought he had to sell the rights to Being America because of gambling debts?

  53. Anonymous:

    It does explain why they were, to a man, huuuge Thatcher fans.

  54. montag:

    Can’t fool me.

    That wasn’t about baseball.

  55. Furious Jorge:

    Or Mark Judge, even.

  56. Brien Jackson:

    You know, this actually does make some level of sense. First of all, it’s a very foolish thing to do, because the cost of getting thrown out at second far exceeds the value of taking the extra base. Secondly, even if successful, it basically never works again because it only succeeds because the opponent isn’t expecting it. So dumb, not worth much, and something you have to luck your way into. Sounds like a conservative idea to me!

  57. Scott Lemieux:

    That call was atrocious, but I’m also inclined to think that if you can’t score off of the decomposing corpse of Freddie Garcia you deserve your fate.

    It’s awesome that F.P. Santangelo is doing color; one of my obscure favorites.

  58. Joshua:

    It’s not just American freedom. It’s that doing stuff like educating your kids, retiring with dignity, and seeing a doctor when you’re sick is for those dirty libs and we aren’t dirty libs so we don’t do that. They’ve swallowed their bullshit whole. The suffering makes them better than those who demand more.

  59. Brien Jackson:

    “It’s awesome that F.P. Santangelo is doing color…”

    You know how I know you don’t live anywhere remotely close to the D.C.-Baltimore area?

  60. Edward Furey:

    To say nothing of errors.

  61. Haystack Calhoun:

    Chortles were elicited.

  62. NBarnes:

    As a passionate baseball fan, I am deeply offended by the ignorance of my beloved sport displayed in this piece of amateurish propaganda. I’m also offended by the calumnies perpetrated against my liberalism, but the way in which baseball is being abused by someone that neither knows nor loves it is simply infuriating.

  63. past contingent:

    There are certain physical limits on the wrongness collapse. See http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/cosmicvariance/2006/05/05/the-wrongness-singularity/ .

    I think my favorite comment is “I got a kick out of the implication that Reynolds’s blog is presently supported by wrongness degeneracy.”

  64. Tiny Hermaphrodite:

    dessicated s/b desiccated

  65. laura:

    No, first they go to Pajamas Media. If they get rejected there they go to Daily Caller.

  66. Walt:

    See, Eric, that’s the difference between conservatives and liberals. In the old days, liberals used to optimistic about America, and what America could do. It was Robert Kennedy who asked “I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”

    But since the 60s and the rise of environmentalism, it’s liberals who think that nothing can be done, that there’s only so much stupidity to go around, that we can never be any stupider than we are today. But conservatives know better. They know that thanks to capitalism and technological advance, that the future will be a cornucopia, that America’s greatest days are ahead of it. In the future, we will have stupidity too cheap to meter, my friend. Too cheap to meter.

  67. Incontinentia Buttocks:

    Insisting on proper spelling = Broccoli Mandate.

    Remember: the (grammar) Nazis were liberals!

  68. M. Bouffant:

    On the other hand, TBogg has BB’s residue lower than Tucker.

    Of course we could talk about Dead Andrew Breitbart’s Big Dead blogs but, whereas the guys at the The Daily Caller are like Fratboys Of A Lesser College, the folks writing for Breitbart are the kind of people who aren’t even cool enough to write for Tucker Carlson. That has to burn.

  69. Bijan Parsia:

    Have you ever know the crippingly uncertainty that you had nothing but your immense family wealth and connections to fall back on if something went wrong? To always be one revolution away from the dole?

    Really, Erik, your out of touch, elitist sneering from the comfort of your academic sinecure exemplifies the whiney hypocrisy of the unionized left.

    What about the rich people? Erik…who cares for them!?

  70. c u n d gulag:

    Yup, as a fellow Yankee fan, I have to agree – that was an awful call!
    The replay showed he was safe by a mile.

    From what I remember of the play, I thought he was out of position to make that call.

    As Moore started his slide, it looked like Timmons realizes he’s potentially in the way of his slide, and leaps away from his path. I think he might have turned his head for a split-second, and lost sight of either the ball, and/or where Moore’s hand was, and decided to call him out.
    Why?
    I don’t know.
    Ask him.

  71. c u n d gulag:

    Next time he’s up, BEAN HIM!

  72. c u n d gulag:

    Oh, right, he doesn’t play.

    And probably never has – or at least hasn’t since his older brother plunked him in the ribs in a backyard wiffle-ball game, and he went crying to his Mommy.

    He just took boiler-plate Conservative BS, and applied it to a great sport, and a potentially great young player.

  73. c u n d gulag:

    And why is this blithering Conservative feckin’ idjit writing about Baseball?

    Baseball is the Liberal’s sport!

    I thought Football was the Conservative sport?
    At least, as described by the late, GREAT, George Carlin:
    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80567818/

    And who doesn’t want a little Carlin on a Sunday morning?

  74. vacuumslayer:

    Demanding peace is so faggy.

  75. DrDick:

    It is admittedly a hard call, but I must respectfully disagree with the immanent Mr. TBogg. It is the bowtie that clinches it.

  76. Emily68:

    Willie Mays and Hank Aaron both got to the big leagues by the age of 20, which is almost 19, so they ought to be on that list, too.

  77. Ahistoricality:

    At the same time, stupidity was better in the old days, before all these uppity sorts started trying to be stupid in public, instead of respectfully, separately stupid, which was better for them.

  78. joe from Lowell:

    Batters advance to second base when they catch an outfielder sleeping many times over the course of a baseball season.

    This guy, who seems to think he witnessed something noteworthy, is a poseur who doesn’t know anything about baseball.

  79. Matt:

    And conservatives are not going to expect to retire at age 65 or to send their kids to the college of their choice if it costs $50,000 a year. We are going to adapt.

    Shorter Daily Caller: “And by ‘adapt’, we mean that the 10% of the party that actually benefits from their policies will laugh all the way to the bank, and the gobshites who make up the rest will suffer terribly while they continue to believe that it’s all the fault of ‘those people’ and/or the will of Sky Jeebus.”

  80. John Protevi:

    Some others (completely arbitrary looking on Baseball Reference): Roberto Alomar, Johnny Bench, Joe Morgan (albeit very short stays at 19 and 20 before sticking in the bigs at 20).

  81. vacuumslayer:

    Ayup.

  82. J R in WV:

    The Who owned a hotel in NYC so they would have a place to stay, because none of the other hotels would put them up. I learned this from my spouse who did labor negotiations, they rented a suite at the place because it was organized, and the union wouldn’t work with a non-organized hotel. I forget the name, darn it!

    They didn’t trash their own hotel, probably because they were growing up a little, as opposed to because it cost them money… it cost them more at other hotels who charged them a markup on the repair costs.

  83. Eli Rabett:

    0.1%

  84. Holden Pattern:

    Curt Schilling, rather.

  85. greylocks:

    Sometimes, too, they advance to second base even when the batter has yet to hit the ball and the pitcher, catcher, first baseman and second baseman are all paying keen attention.

  86. njorl:

    Nah. Too many black QBs now.

  87. njorl:

    The Daily Caller: Copulating with the Dessicated Corpse of Parody

    They thought it was a penguin.

  88. mark f:

    I think Rocker is actually a talk radio guy now.

  89. Anonymous:

    Harper has had issues with inappropriately expressing anger by doing things like slamming his bat into a wall and then being surprised when it bounces back and hits him in the face.

    Bumgarner is indeed a pitcher. He’s relatively quiet, low-key guy; more like Matt than Timmy. And despite being 22, the attention of being in the majors hasn’t made him crazy. He goes out and does his job, and goes home to his wife and their cow. From everything I’ve seen, he’s an utter sweetheart.

  90. Halloween Jack:

    Mike Judge did do The Goode Family, but it tanked quickly so we can overlook that little lapse in judgment.

  91. Do We Have a Term Like Aesthetic Stalinism to Describe Conservative Sports Writing? - Lawyers, Guns & Money : Lawyers, Guns & Money:

    [...] (typeof(addthis_share) == "undefined"){ addthis_share = [];}In the rich conservative tradition of declaring Bryce Harper a conservative hero because he plays hard unlike those black Democrats like J…, I bring you the brilliant Conservapedia entry on “Overrated Sports Stars.” Although [...]

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