Home / General / It’s now impossible to tell the diary of a warrior from that of a gamer.

It’s now impossible to tell the diary of a warrior from that of a gamer.

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Citizens of the civilized galaxy, on this day we mark a transition. For a thousand years, Our Republic stood as the crowning achievement of civilized beings. But there were those who would set us against one another, and we took arms to defend of way of life against the Democrats. In doing so, we never suspected that the greatest threat came from within.

The Democrat Party, and some within our own Senate, had conspired to create the shadow of racial animus using one of their own as the enemy’s leader. They had hoped to grind the Our Grand Republic into ruin. But the hatred in their hearts could not be hidden forever. As last, there came a day when our enemies showed their true natures.

The Democrat Party hoped to unleash their destructive power against the Our Republic by assassinating the head of shadow government – Breitbart – and acquiring control of the reserve forces But the aims of the would-be tyrants were valiantly opposed by those without elitist, dangerous powers, who never went to school. Our loyal know-nothing troopers contained the insurrection within the Jefferson Memorial and quelled uprisings across the planet.

The remaining Democrat conspirators will be hunted down and defeated. Any collaborators will suffer the same fate. These have been trying times, but we have passed the test.

The attempt on my life has left me scarred and deformed, but I assure you my resolve has never been stronger. The war is over. The Sepratist Democrats have been defeated, and the Decmocrat rebellion has been foiled. We stand on the threshold of a new beginning.

In order to ensure the security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the first Global Empire, for a safe and secure society, which I assure you will last for 10,000 years. An Empire that will be continue to be ruled by this august body and a sovereign ruler chosen for life. An Empire ruled by the majority, ruled by a New Constitution.

By bringing the entire galaxy under one law, one language, and the enlightened guidance of one individual, the corruption that plagued the Republic in its later years will never take root. Regional governors will eliminate the bureaucracy that allowed the Democract movement to grow unchecked. A strong and growing military will ensure the rule of law.

Under the Empire’s New Order, our most cherished beliefs will be safeguarded. We will defend our ideals by force of arms. We will give no ground to our enemies and we will stand together against attacks from with or without. Let the enemies of the Empire take heed: Those who challenge Imperial resolve will be crushed.

We have taken on a task that will be difficult, but the people of the Empire are ready for the challenge. Because of our efforts, the galaxy has traded war for peace and anarchy for stability. Billions of beings now look forward to a secure future. The Empire will grow as more planets feel the call, from the Rim to the wilds of unknown space.

Imperial citizens must do their part. Join our grand star fleet. Become the eyes of the Empire by reportingsuspected insurrectionists. Travel to the corners of the galaxy to spread the principles of the New Order to barbarians. Build monuments and technical wonders that will speak of our glory for generations to come.

The clone troopers, and proudly wearing the name of Imperial stormtroopers, have tackled the dangerous work of fighting our enemies on the front lines. Many have died in their devotion to the Empire. Imperial citizens would do well to remember their example.

The New Order of peace has triumphed over the shadowy secrecy of shamful magicians. The direction of our course is clear. I will lead the Empire to glories beyond imagination

I’m 90 percent sure that’s a video game, but am going to buy some extra water tonight just in case.

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  • paleotectonics

    -slow clap-

    Excellent, young SEKwalker.

    • SEK

      I honestly didn’t think anyone would catch that up until the last few paragraphs. It’s a brilliant piece of political rhetoric — much more savvy than anything we’ve seen on the trails this years.

      • c u n d gulag

        I got that at the end, but I also thought an earlier part was from Isaac Asimov’s “Foundation Trilogy.”
        But, it’s been decades since I’ve read it, so I wasn’t sure.

      • Murc

        … you didn’t?

        I knew something was wrong in the second paragraph, when the multiple uses of “the Our Grand Republic” began. That’s clearly the result of a sloppily done find/replace.

        • Anderson

          “Galaxy” + “Our Republic” was all it took.

          • Nathan of Perth

            Ditto

            • Njorl

              I suppose calling the clone warriors “dittoheads” might have been a bit much.

  • Andrew R.

    Dr. Kaufman, I do believe that you have managed to make Revenge of the Sith suck less. I am thus in awe.

    • you have managed to make Revenge of the Sith suck less

      Oh come on.

    • Making RotS suck more would be the real accomplishment.

      • BigHank53

        Be careful what you wish for.

        • superking

          It will be back in theaters in 3D soon enough . . .

        • Njorl

          My first thought was to make it a musical. Then I thought it would be even worse if only the middle third of the movie were done as a musical.

          • “Springtime for Palpatine and Coruscant,
            Winter for Alderaan and Naboo…”

            • Hogan

              If they could bring back Dick Shawn to play Palpatine, I would totally watch that.

              • paleotectonics

                I’d like to see Wallace Shawn as Palpy.

                “You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia,” but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go in against a Sithcilian when DEATH is on the line!”

                Sorry…

  • Is it strange that Emperor Palpatine comes off as a slightly more reasonable and practical President Gingrich?

    • Spud

      Is it strange that Emperor Palpatine comes off as a slightly more reasonable and practical President Gingrich?

      He was.

      Palpatine gave the Imperial economy a boost with a massive military buildup and 2 major public works projects, the Death Stars.

      Those things required entire planets worth of resources, must have employed thousands of people from contractors to build it, to the technicians and workers needed to keep them operational.Just keeping everyone fed, breathing and maintaining working toilets would have kept a small nation employed.

      Plus before the rebels came, the Ewoks didn’t worry about those armored interlopers on their planet. The Empire wasn’t bothering them, they weren’t bothering the Empire. After the rebels left, their planet was left with a huge cloud of metal and debris raining down upon them

      • chris

        Just keeping everyone fed, breathing and maintaining working toilets would have kept a small nation employed.

        The staff of the Death Star — either one — would have *been* a small nation, in numbers, at least.

        Its logistics train would have been a large nation — unless there were massive hydroponics tanks somewhere on board, the food imports alone would probably have been in the kilotons per day, and that’s before you start counting the replacement parts and whatever it uses for fuel. It’d be a miniature Trantor.

        • Spud

          Those pesky rebels wiped out a good chunk of the imperial economy with their shenanigans.

          So many people employed. So many jobs created. You didn’t hear about it being constructed with slave labor or illegal aliens from another galaxy. I bet those workers were unionized!

          Plus they had affirmative action in the stormtrooper program. They allowed huge numbers of people with no discernable marksmanship skills whatsoever to serve without discrimination.

          Sure some upstart Alderanians were killed, but all in all, the Empire was good to the working man.

          • Ben

            *withering sigh*

            The stormtroopers were clones bred specifically for that purpose, try to keep up

            Though if you intentionally blocked out all memory of the prequels, can’t say that was a bad move

      • firefall

        you say that like its a bad thing. With any luck, it’ll wipe the whole lot out

  • mds

    Wait, so now you’re mocking genuine Breitbart mourners, too? Cancel my subscription forthwith.

  • j_h_r

    I find your ideas intriguing, and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

  • The Pale Scot

    At the beginning I thought it might be Jerry Pournelle starting off the Second Age of Man after Sparta fell.

    • Dave

      It’s SEK, he’s going to go mainstream, not the classics.

      • Njorl

        It’s a shame the old Republic didn’t have Dr. Who around. He’d have straightened it all out in the first movie and spared us the later two.

      • SEK

        Hey! I teach Blow up, damn it. That’s pretty darn classic, if I do say so myself.

        • mds

          Hey! I teach Blow up, damn it.

          So does the Doctor. Better than anyone else.

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