The Horrors of Parenting!
(Ben Shapiro stands atop a greased hill. He is surrounded by happy children.)
BEN: Follow me! I’m one of you!
THE CHILDREN: (Wander hither and thither without any clear plan like kids do.)
BEN: Do you not see? THIS HILL! IS GREASED!
THE CHILDREN: (Frolic and ignore THE YELLING MAN.)
BEN THE YELLING MAN: I WILL SAVE YOU!
THE CHILDREN: (Look at BEN THE YELLING MAN, then remember what Britney Baxter did last week and start screaming and kicking.)
BEN THE YELLING MAN: BUT I’M TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM YOUR PARENTS!
THE CHILDREN: (Start running near the edge of the greased hill and, one by one, begin sliding down it.)
BEN THE YELLING MAN: NO! (To his left.) YOU GOT THE GAY! (To his right.) NOW YOU’RE A MAN! (Falls to his knees and weeps.) AN IRANIAN? I COULD’VE SAVED YOU!
JESUS: (Descends from Heaven with lights and music and shit.) My child.
BEN THE YELLING MAN: (Too busy yelling.)
JESUS: Ben?
BEN THE YELLING MAN: (Too busy yelling.)
JESUS: BEN!
BEN THE YELLING MAN: (Shuts up. Turns around.) THIS IS YOUR FAULT HIPPIE!
(Pushes Jesus down the slippery slope and turns him into a gay. Transgenders him too. Because that’ll teach Him to love all His children.)
THE END
Do I need to click through, or were you merely transcribing an Ernie Kovacs episode?
If you click through, you’ll realize I’m not really exaggerating. But you can probably just take my word on that at this point.
Oh. My. God.
I suppose it would be too much to point out to ol’ VBen here that Chastity Bono’s dad was a conservative Republican?
Or that Oliver Stone is a Paultard?
Congressman Bono, too, followed by his widow, Congresswoman Bono, who was not Cher.
Click through? On a Breitbart site? No mangoes are worth that, sir.
In all likelihood, there is a genetic component to some of this behavior.
THAT’LL show those liberal fascists who the Nazis are.
OK, but when does Jesus have the gaybortion?
Not until Obama sends his jackbooted thugs to force a Catholic bishop to personally perform one.
Do they have to wear jackboots? AFAF.
I AM NOT AN OBAMA THUG. Stop looking at me!
FWIW, I do not believe that anybody with pink bunny ears can be described as living the thug life.
Oh please. I am the thuggiest thug that ever thugged.
Haven’t you seen those pictures of Tupac in pink bunny ears?
Tupac is all faux-thug next to Louise Belcher
Ralphie from A Christmas Story once shot a gun just to put his eye out, y’all!
You can wear Jill Boots VS.
Yes, an expert on parenting is clearly somebody who has earned nicknames like “The Virgin Ben.”
You do, however, know that Shapiro is an Orthodox Jew, don’t you?
Why do you think he gayed Jesus down the transgender hill?
Yeah, sorry, but beating up Jesus and calling him a hippie doesn’t really distinguish him from fundamentalist Christians.
Climbing up on Transgender Hill
I could see their frilly tights
Everyone’s ass was showing, time stood still
Santorum flew out thru the night
It was something to remember
Cum in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching my very member
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe in gay abortion
I just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
“Son,” he said, “Grab your thing, I’ve come to make you a homo.”
I sincerely apologize in advance
Don’t apologize, I got something new to sing on Tuesday night.
Also because of the crappy building of the page I thought that Chaz Bono was Oliver Stone’s son who was converting to Islam, or whatever I couldn’t make hide or hair of that writing
I’m bad at recognizing people. I’m not too good to have seen him on Dancing With the Stars, either.
I think it underlines the inherent flaws of his argument that he starts the article talking about the legitimately problematic act of someone supporting the Iranian government but then quickly pivots to focusing on “icky transsexuals” instead.
Right? One Muslim, two transgenders.
Makes a bad porn film.
One Muslim + 2 Transgenders= Kenyan Usurper something something
What’ll they do in the Third Act? Condemn each other some more?
Note also that the son converts to Islam because the father doesn’t value religion. Fnuh?
Maybe he heard about Ayatollah Khomeini issuing the fatwa urging homosexuals to undergo sexual reassignment surgery, so they would not be homosexual anymore.
Reading Ben Shapiro has negatively affected you playwrite skills.
Actually, I’m just out of practice. I used to bang out three or four of these a week. It’s time to get back on the horse, or start fucking that chicken, or whatever the kids are calling it these days.
most likely, mr. shapiro is 12 years old. most likely, mr. shapiro is gay.
what, what’s that you ask? how can i possibly know these things? i don’t, i was merely writing in the style of mr. shapiro. unfortunately, that’s pretty much the style of most conservative writers, if you have no facts, don’t waste valuable drinking time doing research, just make something up, or cover yourself by styling it as “opinion”.
sadly, that’s also quickly becoming the style of many progressive writers/pundits. rachel maddow comes quickly to mind.
in any event, i assume mr. shapiro is paid a wage proportionate to his skill level, by mr. breitbart. hmmmmmmmmm, that would mean that mr. shapiro actually pays mr. breitbart. that cannot possibly be good for either’s bank account.
I know! I was listening to Maddow just last week (involuntarily, as I assure you I am normally loftily above such matters), and she suddenly spouted something patently false, meant purely to catapault the propaganda. I’d share it with all of you, but as cpinva has already shown us, these comment boxes are too small to contain the actual examples which balance the ledger with Big Hollywood’s mendacity. The important thing is, both sides do it equally. Which is to say, one side does it constantly and shamelessly, and the other side … Look! A preschooler’s lunch is being confiscated! Michelle Obama’s behind it!
I actually clicked through. Eeesh!
I’m sure that the apparent number of celebrity kids with so-called “issues” is greater than the norm, and that it has nothing to do with the lack of media coverage of Jose and Jane Schmoe’s kids going through the same things.
Because celebrities are a unique species that bear no resemblance to the rest of the world. No non-celebrity has ever had a doubt about their sexual identity. Ever. No really, I never have.
Cher is androgynous? Shapiro must frequent some pretty butch transgendered hookers.
I was amazed at that description as well….I guess Ben actually came of age too late to see Cher’s “scandalous” days. He must have assumed Cher was always 70 with tons of plastic surgery
That video from the 80s, where she’s dancing around on a ship in black lingerie and a jean jacket, I think. I’m not sure of the song, but that image was fairly indelible to 12-year-old me. See also En Vogue’s video for Never Gonna Get It.
Who?