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Shorter Jeff Goldstein

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It pisses me off that people I attack without cause think I’m a jerk. If my former professor didn’t want to be associated with what I’m writing now, he never should have worked with me then. His request to have his name removed my site is political censorship. OUTLAW!

Goldstein’s old professor listed “a propensity for stifling opposition” as one of the reasons he wanted to distance himself from the site, but as Goldstein notes, that’s nonsense. Consider, for example, the condensed version of the rational arguments with which he and his commenters engaged my argument the other day:

Scott is a cartoon, a hack; a clearly clueless and remarkably dishonest bracketing brackety bracketer who stands on the sidelines cheering while Lady Liberty takes it in the cornhole. This pretentious character is a lying cock, a fucking pussy, and a fucking retarded scrotumless fuck wearing a hot-pink thong, or maybe white lace boyshorts, and he would not stop a rape in progress, but would instead go home and be so turned-on he’d write a paper about it. Effete attention whores like Scott Eric Robespierre are routinely beat up by bread and, like all leftist twatwaffles lusting for power, he is a haughty apparatchik with a lisp and a pedo beard who couldn’t find cool were he to stumble pantless into a caribou orgy. He roots for the Mets and is truly a prick.

Why wouldn’t an English professor want their name associated with the above? It’s a dazzling display of Oulipian restraint. After all, anyone can write a novel without the letter “e,” but writing in a way that attracts people who argue ad hominem and only ad hominemThat requires true literary talent.

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  • scythia

    You root for the Mets??? Have you no shame?

    • SEK

      You’ve got it backwards: because I root for the Mets, all I feel is shame.

      • NBarnes

        And pain. Don’t forget the pain.

  • Also shorter Jeff Goldstein: if only academe weren’t so politically homogeneous, more creative writing professors would recognize the intellectual merit of the important work we do at Protein Wisdom.

  • cer

    who couldn’t find cool were he to stumble pantless into a caribou orgy

    What on earth does this even mean? I mean, not that the previous vomit of homophobic/sexist pap is the height of literary genius but this is completely senseless. Almost as incomprehensible as being a Mets fan.

  • rea

    Looks like a case of Tourette’s Syndrome–babbling meaningless obscenities.

  • Mudge

    TBogg quotes ( http://tbogg.firedoglake.com/2010/03/26/a-screaming-comes-across-the-sky/) Tommy LaSorda:

    “…I certainly wouldn’t make them throw at a fucking .130 hitter like [Joe] Lefebvre…or fucking [Kurt] Bevacqua who couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a fucking boat. And I guaran-fucking-tee you this, that when I pitched and I was gonna pitch against a fucking team that had guys on it like Bevacqua, I’d send a fucking limousine to get the cocksucker to make sure he was in the motherfucking lineup because I’d kick that cocksucker’s ass any fucking day of the week. He’s a fucking motherfucking bigmouth, I’ll tell you that.”

    Goldstein is a piker on every level.

  • ignobility

    I believe it’s Godlstein.

  • Wes

    Wow. Why would you even worry with such a whacky site like his? It is so inconsequential and so far below your towering intellect, it just doesn’t make sense that you continue to subject yourself to such drivel and obvious racism, sexism, and every other -ism. Shouldn’t you be putting your super duper abilities to better use?

    • SEK

      Because these are where the Tea Parties start. That place is teeming with oppressed white people who are going to do something about their freedoms being stolen from them by people like this professor. Seriously, they’re all “When a professor requested his name be removed from a site he finds horrifying lest anyone mistake its presence for endorsement, I stood by and said nothing…”

      • Wes

        Well fuck, we can’t have that. If it is teeming with oppressed white people you better do all you can to shut it down. I mean, for the good of everyone else. Think of the children!

        • Mrs Tilton

          Thank you for your concern, Wes, which is duly noted. However (and this is a difficult and subtle concept, so you’d better sit down, and don’t be afraid to ask Mom and Dad for help), “mock Godlstein and his contemptible commenters” != “shut it down”.

          • Wes

            At least you’re being honest Mrs Tilton. Our country is lucky to have such prescient individuals as SEK and yourself to keep tabs on objectionable folks like Goldstein and his “contemptible commenters”. You all are doing yeoman’s work trying to keep the “oppressed white” libertarians from taking over and leaving everyone the hell alone.

            Surely you all can’t seriously see his blog and the commenters there as a threat to the country, can you? Because it sure looks to me like SEK just can’t quit Jeff, and as such, takes every opportunity to twist Jeff’s words & strike a superior pose. The thing that gets me is that there are a number of commenters here that seem to eat that shit up. If Jeff and his commenters are so bothersome, ignore them. I guarantee they’ll return the favor.

        • timb

          Wes is kind of a prick.

          Oh, no, in Goldstein’s world, I’ve oppressed Wes!

          • Wes

            No oppression, just your opinion. Perfectly acceptable, as I think you’re a prick, too, timb. You’re also either too dense or willfully ignorant to understand the real issue. Color me shocked.

            • What is the real issue, exactly? It certainly has nothing to do with free speech or censorship.

              • Anthony Cartouche

                Can I get in on this business of calling Wes a prick, too? Because if he isn’t a prick, he’ll do just fine until one comes along.

      • hv

        Great job with the collage, Jimmy! Before, when the poorly reasoned attacks of lesser wingnuts were diffused over several comment threads, we were helpless! Even your pal Superman doesn’t have powers over comment threads. But now that the ad hominems are condensed into a collage, the threat of Tea Parties can finally be laid to rest.

        Have you considered making a collage of the rhetorical errors of terrorists next? Really love to put that one to bed, too.

  • priceless

    Thank you for bringing this to my attention. This is the funniest thing EVAH!!

    Here is my favorite comment…
    #

    Comment by patriot #1 on 3/26 @ 6:48 pm #

    Good evening one and all,

    Am I understanding this correctly please? A gentleman that you have not talked to you for years would like his name removed from an about page on a blog that you state nobody links to anymore?

    Man up!

    Sheesh, what would happen if someone stopped following you on twitter?

    No wonder our side is having trouble winning anything.

    • timb

      Patriot does know that Goldstein is NOT on their side. He’s on the side of his weird ego and any assault on that ego is an assault on “his side.”

  • grouchomarxist

    So when does the cock-slapping start? That’s what I want to know!

    And yep, your condensed version definitely caught the authentic flavor of that thread. (shudder)

  • Obviously this means that Jeff has been blacklisted by academia. This also might explain why that job at the car wash never came through.

    • gmack

      As one of the many members of the Army of Academe, I can state that I nixed that I nixed that car wash job personally.

    • timb

      Can you imagine the disappointment in that family? She comes home everyday after working damn hard and he regales her with plans to be the next Mark Twain and Jason Bourne rolled up into one! And make trillions of dollars!

      She must roll her eyes and just be glad he lives his Mitty-ish ideal on the internet (complete with sidekicks like Pablo and gun nuts galore) and stays in the house.

      He is a sad and pathetic little man.

  • Archetype

    I thought he was going to a pay site. Does this mean nobody would pay?

    Will this be the final straw where he quits blogging for good? And really, really means it this time.

    This one really is funny. Please update when he challenges someone to a rassling match!

  • mds

    Scott Eric Robespierre?

    Well, I suppose that is a pretty snappy insult, targeting as it does your well-known propensity to call for physical violence against your political opponents. You monster.

    wearing a hot-pink thong

    Oh, wait, now I get it. Protein Wisdom have you confused with Scott Brown.

  • dadanarchist

    Jebus, Jeff Goldstein studied under Rikki Ducornet.

    Bizarre.

  • Just so we are clear, regardless of your personal opinion of Jeff Goldstein do you think the professor was right to ask Jeff to remove his name from his bio and pretend that the historical fact never occurred?

    • SEK

      I believe that he was within his rights, certainly; but I also believe that Jeff’s free to ignore said request if, as is his wont, he would rather be an ass. His former professor isn’t trying to “erase history,” he simply would rather not appear in any way, shape or form affiliated with a site that features cartoons like the one Click drew. That’s understandable: no one wants to be associated with material they find morally reprehensible. Moreover, the email the professor sent was unfailingly polite: he simply would rather not be associated with something he’d rather not be associated with, and said as much.

      Jeff’s response, on the other hand, was incredibly combative. For all he knew, his old professor might have found the Lord and not wanted his name associated with a site that frequently discusses the posthumous sexual fantasies of Corey Haim.

      • I am indifferent about the question, but I would again like to note that the request in no way impinges on free speech.

    • NBarnes

      the professor was right to ask Jeff to remove his name from his bio and pretend that the historical fact never occurred?

      I recall the message from the prof as requesting only that ‘his name be removed from the about page’ or words to that effect. The ‘pretend that the historical fact never occurred’ was added, apparently out of the whole cloth, by Goldstein.

      That Goldstein (and, apparently, you) cannot tell the difference is one of the many reasons that you’re being mocked in this thread, by the way.

  • SEK

    What I love about posts like this is that they enact their own argument. I note that Jeff’s commenters seem incapable of addressing actual arguments and default to ad hominem, and Jeff’s commenters fail to address actual arguments and default to ad hominem.

    Even better is watching the conniption fits that occur when LGM, now running on WordPress, automagically sends Protein Wisdom, which is “Powered by WordPress,” a trackback. You know, because that what WordPress blogs do when you link to other WordPress blogs. They are deeply and personally insulted by what the default behavior of our shared blogging platform, which now that I think about it, is really sorta sad.

    • They are deeply and personally insulted by what the default behavior of our shared blogging platform, which now that I think about it, is really sorta sad.

      I’m tempted to make a crack about what the implications would be if your blogging software automatically produced a Wordsworth poem, but the punchline eludes me. Something to do with axolotls.

      At one time I might have wondered, humorously, just how appallingly lacking in social skills you’d need to be to alarm even academics. Now, that joke, it’s not so funny.

      • Gus

        Fine if it’s “Resolution and Independence,” not so great if it’s “Peter Bell.”

  • I figure Goldstein is about six or seven months from evolving into what he was always meant to be: “one o’ those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism,” as Woody Allen so memorably put it. I’m kind of surprised it hasn’t already happened.

    And if I were Kitely I would have disavowed him long ago.

  • Thanks for the reply SEK. I don’t see how Goldstein is an ass for refusing to alter his bio but do appreciate the reply.

    It seems in this case like so many others people get hung up on “rights” vs. right and wrong.

    Of course the professor has the right to make the request and of course Goldstein has the right to refuse.

    I think the right thing for the professor to do would have been to put up his own post or ask Jeff to add something to his bio that stated he didn’t endorse Protein Wisdom or agree with many if any of his political opinions or sense of humor. He could even condemn him for his posts, cartoons etc. Asking to remove all historical reference to his ever having known or instructed Jeff is where he erred imho.

    btw Despite the animosity between you and Mr. Goldstein I enjoy your blog as well and I think the relationship you two have is yet another sad commentary on today’s political discourse.

    • “It seems in this case like so many others people get hung up on “rights” vs. right and wrong.”

      Well, that describes Goldstein perfectly, since he’s claiming that Kitely is somehow violating Goldstein’s right of free speech.

      “I think the right thing for the professor to do would have been to put up his own post or ask Jeff to add something to his bio that stated he didn’t endorse Protein Wisdom or agree with many if any of his political opinions or sense of humor. He could even condemn him for his posts, cartoons etc. Asking to remove all historical reference to his ever having known or instructed Jeff is where he erred imho.”

      I think you’re making too much of Kitely’s desire not to be associated with Goldstein. Goldstein doesn’t mention his kindergarten teacher, or his little league coach—is that an act of erasing history? Of course not. Your position seems to be that once someone chooses to associate their website with you, it is always wrong to ask them not to. I can’t see how that’s defensible.

      Of course what Kitely did was hurtful—anyone would be hurt to be repudiated by a former mentor—but that doesn’t make it wrong. I don’t see what other option Kitely had.

      • Its a little more than that. Goldstein is a writer. This teacher had an influence on his writing. That makes it relevant in a way his kindergarten teacher is not.

        And I think you are still missing the point; an English and creative writing professor wanting to pretend he never had one particular student because of something he wrote.

        • In no sense is Kitely pretending not to have had a particular student. That’s simply a canard.

          Goldstein is publicizing a connection, not only between Kitely and himself, but between Kitely and Protein Wisdom. It’s not only Kitely’s right to request that Goldstein not claim such a connection, it would be indecent of Goldstein to deny that request, though he is free to do so.

  • Julia Grey

    And I think you are still missing the point; an English and creative writing professor wanting to pretend he never had one particular student because of something he wrote.

    What pretending is being done here? He’s merely asking to be removed from the biography. Goldstein is essentially using Kitely’s name to promote himself, Kitely would prefer not to be used to promote cack.

    Again, both individuals have every right to feel the way they feel, and to make whatever requests and decisions they make about this matter, since there is no law to refer to. Whether it’s “morally right” of Goldstein to continue to use Kitely’s name to promote himself and his bilge after he’s been politely asked to stop is rather pretentious question for such a small matter, and of course, as we all know, whenever in any given ethical discussion, even murder can be made into a moral necessity.

    However, there is one thing on which I think we can all agree, and that is that publicly defying his former teacher’s polite request –making it, in fact, some kind of cause célebre — is gaspingly, hideously RUDE. It’s shitty and ugly and contemptible. And Goldstein attempting to defend his disgusting manners only goes to emphasize how VERY bad they are.

    Oh, he doesn’t care what normal human beings think of his interpersonal behavior? I rest my case.

    • “Goldstein is essentially using Kitely’s name to promote himself,”

      No hes not.

      “there is one thing on which I think we can all agree, and that is that publicly defying his former teacher’s polite request –making it, in fact, some kind of cause célebre — is gaspingly, hideously RUDE. It’s shitty and ugly and contemptible.”

      No we don’t.

      I tried.

      • Dogsbody

        No hes not.

        Yes, he is. If not, he wouldn’t have used the professor’s name.

        No we don’t.

        Fair enough, you also don’t have to agree that you are a twit.

        P.S. Prof. Brian Kiteley would like to point out that commas are great and apostrophes are popularly used in contractions.

        P.P.S. I tried.

        You can keep trying all you like. That said, I feel the neighborly thing to do is inform you that trying to push runny shit up a hill is a sisyphean task.

    • SEK

      You know, Jeff’s done this so many times now I’m desensitized to the offense, but only after I read this:

      However, there is one thing on which I think we can all agree, and that is that publicly defying his former teacher’s polite request–making it, in fact, some kind of cause célebre—is gaspingly, hideously RUDE. It’s shitty and ugly and contemptible. And Goldstein attempting to defend his disgusting manners only goes to emphasize how VERY bad they are.

      Did I realize that Jeff did it again: he published someone’s private correspondence in a public forum. For some reason, he seems to believe that any email he receives from anyone, about anything, is grounds for publication on the blog. If you’re a blogger or a commenter and familiar with a site policy, but he doesn’t have a site policy, so people like, say, his former professor send him an email expecting that the rules of decorum everyone else follows will obtain, only to learn that they don’t.

      • hv

        Good point.

        The sad part is how easy it is now to overlook this. Violations of decorum are becoming too commonplace.

        • Dogsbody

          Get yer damned feet off the coffee table!!

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  • Julia Grey

    “Goldstein is essentially using Kitely’s name to promote himself,”

    No hes not.

    Tell me, then, what purpose does a blogger’s posted biography serve?

    About Me

    “This is who and what I am.”

    It is self-evidently about telling the reader positive things about oneself (or things one hopes the reader will see as positive). It is meant to attract additional interest to one’s blog, or emphasize one’s knowledge or credibility as a blogger, or intrigue/fascinate the fans of one’s blog or…well, you know…PROMOTE one’s blog.

  • My gawd, but it’s a conglomeration of all the lefty assholes in the known blogosphere! SEK (aptly described by Jeff G, no need to elaborate; oh, but SEK, do find a cat to lick that scraggly face of yours, stat; timmah’s butt hairs are collecting) and tbogg, the guy who cried over his ugly dead dog (probably he ate the poor thing in lieu of Obama’s cock, when he had to pull out to give the rest of you girls, and Barrett Brown and Charles Johnson, a proper pop).

    Oh, and all of you can kiss my ass.

    Cheers~!

    • SEK

      For the record, yes, the person mocking a man for grieving over the death of a pet is calling someone else an “asshole.” You know, just in case future historians want to know when irony broke.

    • Twinky Tossberg500

      Strange, seems like just yesterday when serr8d was wailing over his own dead mutt.

      Did you buttfuck old Boone to death, serr8d?

      Yes, stupid, I know the name of your dead dog because you whelped, whined and whinnied over at PW when it died.

      You’re one dumb, wide-stanceing, hicktard faggot, serr8d, a pure teabaggering rump slurper.

    • SFAW

      Oh, and all of you can kiss my ass.

      We’d love to, girlfriend, just as soon as you extract your own head from it. (Or is it Jeff’s “other head” that’s up there? Since PW seems to be preoccupied with that and all, one can only guess.)

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