Will RFK Jr. cancel pumpkin spice latte season?

Or maybe he’ll just demand that stores restrict what they sell to girls.

U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced he will be requiring “proof of safety data” from Dunkin’ and Starbucks in his latest push for the Make America Healthy Again movement and scrutiny of food and beverage ingredients.

“We’re going to ask Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks, ‘Show us the safety data that show that it’s okay for a teenage girl to drink an iced coffee with 115 grams of sugar in it,’” Kennedy said at the Austin Eat Real Food Rally last week. “I don’t think they’re gonna be able to do it.”

Because only females drink those sugary coffee drinks, amirite bros? Oink oink oink.

Of course, it isn’t clear whether (or how) these companies would have data specifically for teen girls. But assuming he only mentioned teenage girls because that’s the best way to get Republicans’ attention, it isn’t clear whether these are the only companies that will have to provide the data. They certainly aren’t the only ones that sell coffee-based drinks. As for whether doughnuts will also become verboten, I guess we’ll see.

But Junior is not a details person. Or a knowledge person. Or a let experts figure this out while I stay in my lane person. He’s a my opinions are always right person and those people are shit at creating policy because everything has to be filtered through their ego. Even when the basis for the opinion is perfectly fine: There’s too much sugar in the average American’s diet, the journey through his brain makes it shitty.

Don’t mention the worm. He’s the only one who says he had a brain worm, and mercury poisoning, and he’s not a reliable source.

He is also an extremely privileged person of the most out-of-touch variety, who recently told people they should eat liver or cheaper cuts of steak if they can’t afford the type of massive steak that is pictured first on his newly released, visually chaotic, dietary guide.

The correct answer was to reel off other protein sources, including foods that aren’t animal based. But that would require details and considering other people’s points of view. He doesn’t want to do that. He wants to ride his food is medicine hobby horse, which involves telling people that if they eat the way he tells them to they won’t get sick. It does not involve helping people purchase the food he says they need to eat. I can’t find any sign he objected to Republican cuts to SNAP benefits. But it’s the ultimate version of the patient as consumer of health care model.

In this Massachusetts doughnut shop, two random customers showed a superior grasp of the problem the HHS Sec claims he is trying to address, possibly before their first cup of coffee.

“I think we have greater issues like food deserts and other things that are causing obesity. I don’t think Dunkin’s having sugary drinks is causing the problems,” Dunkin’ customer Amy Pattelena said.

“He’s micro-focusing, which is the worst way to do it,” Kelly Hartnett said. “It just shuts people off to change, period.”

But giving people good things, such as full access to nutritious food, makes Republicans sad. Taking things away from people, especially in a capricious manner, makes Republicans happy. Taking PSLs away this fall might have some negative repercussions, but they’ll never know if they don’t try.