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“Let’s Try to Be More Insipid”

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Most people do not understand that a hate crime has just been committed here.

I can’t believe that someone conceived this article. I also can’t believe some editor gave it the green light.

The bubble culture war is far from over.

On dating apps, green-bubble users are often rejected by the blues. Adults with iPhones have been known to privately snicker to one another when a green bubble taints a group chat. In schools, a green bubble is an invitation for mockery and exclusion by children with iPhones, according to Common Sense Media, a nonprofit that focuses on technology’s impact on families.

“This green-versus-blue issue is a form of cyberbullying,” said Jim Steyer, the chief executive of Common Sense, which works with thousands of schools that have shared stories about tensions among children using messaging apps.

That means it’s now on us to do better and tamp down digital elitism. The solutions, including third-party messaging apps that work consistently between different phones, have been around for years. The rest is about modifying our behavior.

How about… no? This isn’t even just a case of “can you imagine writing this article with all the other shit that you could possibly write about in this world right now, December 1, 2023?” although it most certainly is that. It’s a case of a problem that’s not even a problem, and that no rational human should ever consider trying to solve, much less writing a long article in the paper of record explaining the social need for eliminating the harsh cruelty of blue and green bubbles.

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