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My Daily Routine



  1. Wake up at 11 AM to the sounds of Alex Jones screaming at me that I need more vitality. He throws fake penis pills at my face. I have hired Alex Jones to scream me awake–it is surprisingly affordable.
  2. I dress to the soothing sounds of conspiracy theories. Alex Jones is still here– awkward but motivating.
  3. I need to eat something. It’s 6 Cheetos for me and not one Cheeto more, because 7 Cheetos will muddy my chakras.
  4. Time to work. I sit down at the computer and tweet moderately funny jokes for 7 hours and get pants-shittingly angry at people I will never meet.
  5. Snack time: the aged farts I left under my bed covers. They’re organic and cleansing.
  6. Work out time! I run from house to house, stealing door wreaths. Great cardio plus I get extra wreaths.
  7. Dinner: Almonds that have been activated with the blood of wolves. Biodegradable styrofoam packing peanuts–satisfying and a great source of styrofoam.
  8. At bedtime I quietly say a prayer of thanks to Kirk Cameron for showing me the beauty of banana’s divine design. I kiss a banana and put it under my pillow. In the morning, I will give it to Alex Jones.
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