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Two Visionaries


I was in a hipster coffee shop in downtown LA earlier today and all people were talking about were how these clowns are the most inept ratfuckers in history:

A press conference intended to publicize sexual assault claims against Special Counsel Robert Mueller collapsed in spectacular fashion on Thursday, after the pro-Trump operatives behind the event failed to demonstrate a grasp of even basic details about their accuser or explain why they had repeatedly lied about their project.

Mueller has asked the FBI to investigate the effort from publicity-hungry Washington lobbyist Jack Burkman and pro-Trump Twitter personality Jacob Wohl, which has been dogged by accusations that they offered women money to accuse Mueller of sexual misconduct.

But the prospect of an FBI investigation was the least of Wohl and Burkman’s problems on Thursday.

Throughout their 45-minute press conference, the two men repeatedly contradicted themselves and each other, giving cryptic non-answers that convinced approximately zero people in attendance that their allegations were anywhere close to the truth.

It began much like it ended.


After initially promising that the accuser, a fashion designer named Carolyne Cass, would appear alongside them, Burkman and Wohl appeared to changed their minds by the time reporters assembled inside the dimly lit Holiday Inn in Rosslyn, Virginia.

And now, the punchline:

Burkman defended Wohl, 20, from charges that he doesn’t have enough experience to investigate such a serious charge against Mueller.

“I think Jacob is a child prodigy who has eclipsed Mozart,” Burkman said.

A heckler cut in, yelling that Wohl couldn’t even open an eTrade account—a reference to Wohl’s lifetime ban from futures trading, a penalty he earned in a previous career as a teenage hedge fund operator.

As a young Republican grifter he hasn’t even eclipsed Ben Shapiro.

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