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This Is Professional Political Writing

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Cue endless screaming
Cue endless screaming

It’s time for one of those columns in which Maureen Dowd reveals her legendary ear for satirical dialogue:

TRUMP I love Oprah but I think I look phenomenal.
I am really, really good looking. You look good, too. You’re a tall drink of water. Like a giraffe crossed with Eliot Ness. What are you, 6-foot-8, 6-foot-9? Central casting. But don’t let your head get too big. Don’t be a showboat. Don’t be a grandstander. That’s my shtick. Do you play golf? How far do you drive? Trump hits it strong and long — 285 yards. Have some salad. We got you creamy vinaigrette. I always do Thousand Island.
COMEY Isn’t Thousand Island the same as Russian dressing?
TRUMP I’m glad you brought that up. I would like you to pledge your ever-ending loyalty, in the immortal words of Luca Brasi. You know, I used to be called The Don and compared to John Gotti, but with more bling. I would like you to tell me three times, before the cock crows, that I am not under investigation for working with Russia to defeat Hillary. Because I certainly did not need help defeating Crooked Hillary. I have to know you’re my guy.
COMEY I am not your guy, Mr. President. I’m America’s guy. I can pledge my honesty to you.
TRUMP You should try truthful hyperbole or just make stuff up. Look how well that worked for me. Did it ever occur to you that your wacky, neurotic, dopey bouts of piety and vanity during the campaign broke F.B.I. rules and ruined your reputation? You’ll be lucky if I decide to let you stay.

It’s not just that this sounds absolutely nothing like the rather easily-imitated Trump — I mean, I know I’m not the one with the Pulitzer, but I would say that your satricial dialogue should contain at least 50% of words the speaker would conceivably speak. It doesn’t sound like any human being ever. All of which would be tolerable if it was funny, but woof.

I guess I should be grateful at the swipes at Comey, only I remember the last column of the campaign, a classic Both Sides Do It job that places the blames for EMAILS! solely at Clinton’s feet. Like so many pundits, she’s only capable of recognizing that Republicans are bad after they’re already in office.

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