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Hot takes on Clinton’s health


(1) It’s now obvious that a Clinton presidency will almost certainly resemble the final, ghastly days of Konstantin Chernenko’s brief reign. Although I was prepared to vote for Clinton, the fact that she’s not completely immune to viruses and/or bacteria reminds me that true progressives always have the option of casting their ballots for the crazy lady who thinks Wi-Fi causes brain cancer.

(2) Broadly speaking, human beings are fucking gross and should only touch one another for as little time as needed to maintain the demographic vigor of the species. As a veteran of sorts, Donald Trump possesses sound judgment on this issue, and while we can barely predict what he’ll do or say from one moment to the next, we can be sure that his personal aversion to normal-sized human hands will protect him from pneumonia, noroviruses, or enteric fever.

(3) This entire episode raises important questions, including “Do I really know what pneumonia actually is?” and “How long until the alien incubating in Clinton’s lungs destroys New York like the monster in ‘Cloverfield?'” The answers, of course, are “no” and “soon.”

(4) OMFG, this actually existed for real before I started writing a lame joke about it.

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