All Bulwer-Lytton All the Time

A little trifle to start your Monday morning out right…

North Carolina’s former Transportation Secretary is also a former general and current “novelist,” if you can count anything you’re about to read as actual writing. Indyweek combed through his novels for some of the best lines. I compiled some of my favorites here.

• “I killed children smaller than you in Rwanda. I am Cheetah.”
• Sure he loved Asian women but there was no replacement for a girl-next-door American knockout such as the one standing in front of him right now.
• “If we’re going to one day get married like we’ve talked about, I don’t want you having all these man-hating feelings.”
• Mahegan noticed she had placed a gold necklace around her neck, which suspended a large gold C on the torn T-shirt above her moderate breasts.*
• “On the outside you’re this reasonably hot chick with quirky connections to the sheriff and other locals, plus in DC and the Pentagon.”
• Streaks of blood and muck angled across his face like a football player’s black eye. For a moment, he felt like a Croatan warrior, bare-chested, camouflaged, and defeating the scheming interlopers.
• His hand was so far up his ass he couldn’t see straight.
• The alcohol had flipped a switch in his brain, sending an electrical current to his penis, thereby relinquishing all control to the lower appendage for the time being.

*Now I know how I’m going to describe my breasts on my Ashley Madison profile. Thank you, A.J. Tata!!