Friday Night Creature Feature: Racist Allosaurus

Allosaurus is interesting not so much because of its size–which, like all the big therapods, was impressive–or its skull or teeth, but because so many of the “monster therapods” we rhapsodize about were from the Cretaceous period. Not Allosaurus–it was from the late Jurassic!

(It did have nifty little horns over its eyes, however.)

But the reason I’m introducing you to Allosaurus tonight is because it allows me to talk about a bizarre and happy convergence of several of my interests…

Some things you should know about me:

• I love dinosaurs
• I am an atheist
• I, like your libertarian uncle, like to take “bold stances” that are sure to get tongues wagging at the dinner table. Fer instance I…don’t care for racism. That’s right, I said it. I am also on record as being against cat-juggling, a thing I have been assured is real.
• I’m pretty sure the last check I wrote to the Father ended this scourge. You’re welcome for that. But, anyway…racism: I oppose it.

So I’m sure you can imagine my excitement when I learned that “Ken Ham,” “curator” of The Creation “Museum,” was going  acquire a valuable allosaurus fossil from Michael Peroutka, a member of a Neo-Confederate organization called The League of the South.

Here’s the problem with Ham’s taking possession of the fossil: he wants to claim it is 4500 years old, which everyone knows is not true because then how did this photograph get taken?

Honestly, this doesn’t bother me so much, because everyone with two braincells to rub together knows that allosaurs are way older than 4500 years old. It’s the whole idea of a valuable fossil going to a Creation museum that bothers me. Something that we have the potential to learn from, to “ooh” and “ahh” over is being given over to a repository of willful ignorance. And the person who’s handing this valuable artifact over is a racist. Just from start to finish, the story is–sure, on one level–weird and funny, but on another level just sad. The whole thing is just a bad idea.

And, hey, I have some sympathy for people with bad ideas. I’ve had my share. My idea for Baby Thunderdome, which is exactly as awesome as it sounds, was roundly rejected. People said it was “inappropriate”  and “immoral” for babies to fight to the death. I was like “But Tina Turner sings at half-time!” And everyone was like “Even so.” And after enough objections, I finally listened and kickstarted my Toddler Ultimate Fighting Club. It’s worked out brilliantly and I’ve made a shitton of money. But this never would have happened if I hadn’t listened to my detractors first. So, Ken Ham, I’m imploring you to stop this madness. Get into extreme toddler wrestling. It’s at least as sane as any of your endeavors to date.