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The Historical Verisimilitude of Orcs


Oh, hai. Remember thing I said about David French? About how he had written the dumbest thing on the Internet? I take it back. Vox Day now holds the honor.

I picture Vox Day crying hysterically as he explains why he is not allowing girls into his He-Man Woman-Haters club. I mean, he may not have actually been crying hysterically, but I’m pretty sure he was crying and possibly crapping his pants. And it’s just funnier to imagine it that way. Try it!

I am a game designer. I am designing and producing a game that does not, and will not, have a single female character in it. This is not because I am misogynistic. This is not because I do not [want] women to play the game. This is because putting women in the game makes no sense, violates the principle of the suspension of disbelief, and will not make the game any better as a game.

There’s pretty much nothing about the Vox Day treatise that is not 1000% awesome, but this is my favorite part!!!!!:

I am the lead designer of First Sword, a combat management game. The game has orcs and men, elves and dwarves. It has goblins and trolls. But it has no women.

Well, this makes perfect sense, because, on a daily basis, I run into many more orcs and trolls than I do women. What I take issue with is the idea that any given man is one orc-sighting away from transforming into Leonidas from “300.”

This is the “every man has an inner badass and one tango with a troll will unleash it” writ large. And I hate that I’m having to disabuse people of this idea again. But here goes: YOU ARE NOT A BADASS. It is not remotely realistic that you would make a good gladiator. 99.9% of men would fare POORLY in the ring. YOU ARE NOT A BADASS. YOU ARE NOT A BADASS. YOU ARE NOT A BADASS. You are just an ordinary person, living out your pathetic fantasies through a video game because you’re not BADASS enough to live them in real life.

Also, I had no idea that orcs reproduced asexually, but I’ve never read “Lord of the Rings.”

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