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He works hard for no money! So hard for no money!

The New York Post understands that times are tough…and invites us to consult the nation’s finest minds in order to find solace, maybe even answers.

Some people might argue that using a cartoon character named Spongebob Squarepants to make an analogy about can-do bootstrappin’ it  is in poor taste. Some might argue that it’s batshit insane. These people are poopyheads. Truly there is no better person than Spongebob Squarepants to give voice to the millions of unemployed, underemployed and under-paid.

“But, bspen”, you’re surely saying now (because you’re a huge asshole and buzzkill who doesn’t get it) “Spongebob Squarepants is a fictional character who presumably doesn’t even have to work for a living and is best friends with a mentally-challenged starfish, and has a snail named ‘Gary’–who meows– as a pet. Furthermore, it’s difficult to keep the crabby patties crisp when you’re, you know, making them underwater.”

Oh, OK, I get it, naysayers. You’re saying that Spongebob lives in a fictional world where the laws of physics don’t even apply and that maybe he’s not the best example of happy happy wage-slavery one could find. Well, you know what? FUCK YOU. Spongebob Squarepants is an amazing worker with a wonderful, can-do spirit. He loves to laugh and he doesn’t smoke. And he doesn’t let a little thing like not getting paid stop him from reaching for the stars. So if you think there’s a better way to make a point about not Cadillacin’ and t-bonin’ your way to the welfare office, I’d like to see do it.

Jesus, next you’ll tell me there’s really no way for Sandy the Squirrel to plausibly live underwater. Or that plankton are not criminal masterminds. Assholes. All of you.

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