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Tag: "nonsense"

Oh Sweet Jeebus

[ 23 ] August 27, 2010 |

Our last commander in Afghanistan was an avowed fan of Bud Light Lime. His replacement?

Despite admitting that he has not purchased a compact disc in years, General David Petraeus revealed Wednesday that he is “an Enya guy,” referring to the new-age Irish musician.

“I do like Celtic music. And Enya is among those,” the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan told Fox News Channel’s Jennifer Griffin in an exclusive interview.

Petraeus said he has not had the opportunity to enjoy his favorite artist in the battlefield, saying he has not listened to music since he’s been on the ground in Afghanistan.

“Maybe over time I’ll get to that,” he added.

Maybe the Taliban will decide that killing Enya fans isn’t worth the trouble?

UPDATE [by SL]:  I can’t resist once again quoting one of my favorite hatchet jobs:

Pondering the fate of post-September 11 pop, everyone predicted what they already wished for–Slipknot undone, Britney in hiding. What happened instead was the unthinkable–sales of Enya’s first album since 1995 spiked 10 months after release. (And she thought that movie where Charlize Theron fucked Keanu Reeves and died of cancer was a promotional coup!) Two years in the making with the artiste playing every synthesizer, the 11 songs here last a resounding 34 minutes and represent a significant downsizing of her New Age exoticism since 1988’s breakthrough, Watermark–it’s goopier, more simplistic. Yanni is Tchaikovsky by comparison, Sarah McLachlan Ella Fitzgerald, treacle Smithfield ham. Right, whatever gets folks through the night. But Enya’s the kind of artist who makes you think, if this piffle got them through it, how dark could their night have been? Like Master P or Michael Bolton only worse, she tests one’s faith in democracy itself.


And I am Also of the Opinion that the British Embassy Should be Burned…

[ 21 ] August 25, 2010 |

I note that yesterday and today constitute the 196th anniversary of the burning of Washington, D.C. by the hated British.  Since that time, not a single Anglican church has been erected upon the hallowed ground of our incinerated national capitol.   Never forget!  Moderate Britons would be well advised to restrain their radical brethren from any efforts to memorialize these tragic events, which have forever scarred the American national psyche.

If Selected, I Will Serve!

[ 7 ] August 16, 2010 |

In light of the news that Robert Gates will step down in 2011, I would like to announce my candidacy for the position of Secretary of Defense of the United States of America.  A non-exhaustive list of my qualifications:

  1. Attended a CNAS Christmas party.
  2. Can stand for several hours.
  3. Got lost once near the Pentagon parking lot.
  4. Knew a guy who worked in a defense related field, although we kind of lost touch a few years back.  I could probably still find his e-mail, though.
  5. Can list the names of every battleship since USS South Carolina from memory, as long as you don’t count the ones that were never built.
  6. Have watched Red Dawn 19 times,  Top Gun 26 times, and Hunt for Red October 45 times.

Now to make plane and hotel reservations for the Senate confirmation hearings…

Patterson NEEDS a Pre-Owned F-117…

[ 6 ] August 4, 2010 |

Visit your nearest Lockheed Martin dealer today:

Via Trimble.

Comment Hunting is the Lowest Form of Blogging…

[ 6 ] July 1, 2010 |

I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen a less appropriate invocation of Gramsci.

But No One Doubts that the Execution of Dennis Miller was Just…

[ 2 ] May 27, 2010 |

Absolute monarchy is an institution that humanity never should have given up:

After serving 12 years in the position, Motley, the official White House Jester, was beheaded Tuesday after delivering a poorly received jape about the spiraling national debt before President and Mrs. Obama…

Witnesses said Obama’s mood immediately darkened and, pounding on the arm of the Presidential Throne, he demanded new jesting. After nervously clearing his throat, Motley was heard to ask, “Wherefore is the National Debt like a sprouting leaf of spinach?” When a glowering Obama demanded the answer, Motley stated, “For it shall rapidly grow into something our children cannot bear.”

At this, Obama reportedly dropped the large turkey leg in his hand and signaled to nearby Secret Service agents, who seized Motley and dragged him, pleading, to the Executive Dungeon. The President exited the Hall in a fury, and within minutes had drafted an order of execution by beheading.

“The First Executioner completed his task in one true swing,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who presided over the assembled crowd of some 20,000 onlookers. “His head has been spitted on a pike and displayed facing E Street as a warning to they who would mock our most precipitously extended federal debt.”

In his career, Motley entertained three presidents, capered at five White House Correspondents’ Dinners, and hosted a season of Comedy Central’s Premium Blend. He is the first sitting White House Jester to be executed since the 1998 drawing and quartering of his predecessor, Dennis Miller, on the National Mall.

So This is England…

[ 19 ] May 12, 2010 |

I’m sitting in Plymouth, UK in the Americano Coffee House. The theme appears to be an English interpretation of a upscale American coffee house. There’s a picture of Che Guevara on the wall, for some reason. As you walk out, there’s a big sign saying “Adios Amigos!” On the menu are the following drinks:

Classic Americano (espresso and water, or what you’d expect)
Premiere Americano (an Americano with whipped cream)
Cuban Americano (an Americano with cane sugar)
Canadian Americano (an Americano with maple syrup)

There’s also a host of drinks filled with enough sugar to make Starbucks blush. On the downside, no drip coffee and no refills. On the upside, they appear to have the loosest wifi in town.

…and so apparently we remain in a Special Relationship. That’s lovely.

Trust Me. I am a Bearded Man.

[ 36 ] April 22, 2010 |

Seems pretty intuitive:

The way you gain people’s trust is to earn it over time by repeatedly proving that you deserve it. That, or grow a beard.

A recent study in the Journal of Marketing Communications found that men with beards were deemed more credible than those who were clean-shaven. The study showed participants pictures of men endorsing certain products. In some photos, the men were clean-shaven. In others, the same men had beards. Participants thought the men with beards had greater expertise and were significantly more trustworthy when they were endorsing products like cell phones and toothpaste.

This appears to be a evolutionary response to the self-evidently exceptional nature of men who can grow beards and choose to do so. In the hunter-gatherer period, the choice of toothpaste could mean life or death; those who failed to follow the advice of bearded men were “selected out.”

For example:


Not trustworthy

Try it yourself! Which person in this photo is more trustworthy? This one?

Via Dave Murphy.

Ad Generator Fail

[ 14 ] April 10, 2010 |

Dear Customer,

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At Least We Have the Shameful Joy…

[ 16 ] March 28, 2010 |

I don’t know if I could have taken a Tennessee championship.

There is No Problem that a Kraken Can’t Solve

[ 5 ] March 27, 2010 |

“Just imagine how incredibly dangerous that would be, for me, for the populace of wherever that is…”

It’s About Goddamn Time…

[ 2 ] March 18, 2010 |

Tennessee takes a stand against Leprechauns.

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