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Tomi Lahren’s training pants

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Any similarities to Ralph Lauren ads are purely coincidental!

The latest in tag-team right wing scams involves Tomi Lahren and a company called Alexo Atheltica that produces Carrywear™. That is, concealed carry athletic apparel for women who need to have a gun jammed into their abs before they’ll exercise. And I thought I was lazy.

Lahren has teamed up with Alexo to produce her own line of athleisure wear, called Freedom.

An aside for those who are wondering — Athleisure wear is a type of clothing that looks like you are supposed to work out in it, but is far too poorly constructed and expensive to actually expose to anything associated with exercising including, but not limited to, direct sunlight.

Lahren’s declaration of independence from a cruel, freedom-hating world that regularly denies pretty famous blonde women their own fashion lines appeals to “those who love God, Guns and Country and are proud to show it.”

And who like to spend their time at the place all real, true-blue, down-to-Earth red blooded Americans go to escape a world of elitist liberals and relax: A yacht club.

I will say that the white stars on navy pattern makes me think of the American Flag. Because my grandmother kept my grandfather’s casket flag on display in the living room. I’m not sure Military Burial Chic is what Lahren was going for, but I could be wrong.

The other pattern, a pinkish, bluish hunting camfaux pattern says Here are some more clothes with a hunting camo pattern in colors that aren’t traditional hunting camo, that brings the total to 250 gabrillion. I assume it is supposed to make people think of guns, but the pattern has become so ubiquitous it’s like expecting people to think of Scotland when they see plaid.

I have no idea where or how God is invoked by the clothes.

The line includes a couple of $30 t-shirts, and two different bra tops that cost around $50 each.

It’s not a sports bra. It’s not a crop top. It’s a bra top. Perfect for lounging, layering and low impact activities.

A high-impact sports bra that costs $50 would be a steal. Demanding $50 for what is essentially a bikini top would be theft, but if someone is dim enough to give you the cash for one you can’t be arrested, so there.

But the stars of the show, literally in one case, are the $89 7/8th length Carrywear Lite ™ leggings — soon to be $10 7/8th leggings at Marshalls — with seams in some uncomfortable looking places and “extreme compression” to remind the wearer that God will strike a woman dead if she takes a deep breath, shows an unsightly bulge or is comfortable.

The leggings have three pocketses for its lipglossess and phoneses and identificationses, but NOT — please pay attention God, gun, country lover — its gunses.

This Carrywear™ Lite legging has two side pockets great for holding your phone, keys and lipgloss and one waistband pocket to hold passports, ID’s or a small self-defense tool.

Please note Carrywear™ Lite is not designed to carry a firearm. If looking for an option with a built in holster please see our Signature Carrywear™ items.

Actual exercise leggings with functional pockets aren’t as common as those without pockets, but they do exist, and for a lot less than $90.

What makes the pockets in these not-really-exercise bottoms different is that one pocket is a gateway pocket to exercise bottoms that can hold a gun.

As Lahren explains, they are for the youths of today who like the idea of having a gun holster in their pants that does not in fact allow the wearer to holster a gun.

“I believe there are a lot of young people out there that really aren’t ready to have a gun holster in their pants but they like the idea behind it,” Lahren said. “Whether or not they’re gonna put a gun in it, whether or not they’re gonna put their phone in it, it really doesn’t matter. It’s about freedom. It’s about the Bill of Rights.”

God, are you kidding me? Something, something, the Bill of Rights something pockets, hand over the cash. And your contact information. And prepare to be bombarded by solicitations from the NRA and its employers, sucker.

[Update. Thanks to Commentarian Davis for the reminder to include the punchline: Where are these clothes made? In China, of course.]

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