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Miami Vice

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Ocean Drive
Photo by Franck CHARLES on Unsplash

It is a little theory of mine that money is one of the things that will destroy the U.S. Right Wing Industrial Complex. More specifically, all of the natural born grifters fighting over it. And not just the grifters who have an official title like President or Reverend or Grand Dragon. Thanks to the wonder that is the Internet it is easy for anyone to reach out and touch some bank accounts without leaving the house.

And it’s no wonder that they do. They see the people they admire: senators and the president and the grand dragons and the reverends and the people who’ve scrounged up some sort of letters to stick behind their names getting rich and powerful by publicly pissing their pants about people who frighten them by being different and demanding money. “I like to piss my pants in public, I’m scared of my own shadow because it’s black, and I like money,” they think.

And so they give it a shot. And it works. Because a steady diet of even mild bigotry gunks up the reasoning processes something horrible.

Trump superfan Bill Mitchell is in hot water with his fans, after raising nearly $15,000 to move to Washington, D.C. to improve his online video show and then taking the cash and moving to Miami instead.

You probably haven’t heard of Mitchell, he’s just one of the thousands of right wing parasites vying for victims. His specialty seems to be adoration of the MAGAi, but once DT is out of office I’m sure he’ll adapt. It’s either that or get a real job.

Mitchell said the move to D.C. from his studio in Palm Beach, Florida would give him and his viewers access to senators, congressmen, and other assorted “movers and shakers.” He said he planned to make the trek within 90 days of May 5. But first, he needed to raise money to pay for the studio.

“All that stuff is very expensive, and if you want it, there’s a couple of ways you can do it,” Mitchell said on his show, before plugging a GoFundMe page to help raise $15,000 for his move. Mitchell also frequently discussed his move to Washington and the fundraising page on Twitter, claiming it would put him closer to “all my political friends.”

$15,000 is small change in the high-stakes world of the Grifters Own Party, but it’s a respectable start to what I am sure will be a long and illustrious career ripping off people who deserve to be ripped off.

Eventually, Mitchell raised nearly his entire fundraising goal, pulling in $14,280. But when his 90-day moving deadline came and went, he wasn’t anywhere near D.C.

Last Saturday, his fans began to get suspicious when he tweeted a picture of a Miami apartment complex that he described as “my new Miami home!” and when the Miami New Times reported that he had moved to the city. And now Mitchell’s fans and other right-wing personalities are starting to ask what that money was for in the first place.

It was for his move to Miami, dumb-nuts. Try to keep up.

“New Miami home,” tweeted one disappointed conservative Twitter user. “Didn’t you say you was raising money to move your voice America to D.C.?”

Maybe. So what? Also FAKE NEWS!

Speaking as a D.C. native, this is a win for the city and the entire region. We’ve got a surfeit of right wing assholes clogging up the place and pushing them into one of the rivers isn’t an option because the snakeheads complain about the smell.

Mitchell didn’t respond to requests for comment. But he announced this week that he was taking a position at Yippy.com, a little-known search engine based in Miami whose CEO, Richard Granville, has frequently courted conservative personalities like Mitchell.

A conman who courts conmen, how cute. Maybe he’s collecting conservative personalities like Mitchell — low-level cons no one would miss — for some sort of human centipede experiment. Or a turducken, only with a small conservative shoved inside a medium sized conservative, shoved inside a large conservative. And after looking at Granville’s picture, I’m sticking to that hope.

Quick aside about Granville because I look this crap up so I may as well pass it along. One of his earlier ventures was something called Jack 9 Entertainment, which appears to have wanted to be an online version of Spike TV. From the 2007 press release:

Unlike the thousands of mashups on viral video sites like YouTube, Jack9s www.jack9.com offers all-original content aimed at men who crave Mixed Martial Arts (MMA), Extreme Sports, Street Sport Biking and other mans man programming. With its highly-targeted content, Jack9s www.jack9.com is attracting demographics that represent an advertisers dream: 18- to 34-year-old males.

But that was then. If you go to the website now you see this:

Jack9 Intelligence Report

★ For God and Country ★
★ Digital Soldiers ★
★ WWG1WGA ★

That last one is to QAgnome what TNSTAAFL is to gibbertarians who’ve made themselves more unbearable by reading Heinlein. Visitors are invited to leave their email address to receive “patriot intelligence” that I suspect will lack in patriotism and intelligence.

But back to Mitchell, who seems to have settled on a tough, rugged, manly defense for failing to move to D.C.

The weather sucks.

He’s also been waging war on his haters on Twitter, arguing that he’s moving to Miami in part because it has better weather than Washington.

“DC gets maybe 4 nice months a year,” Mitchell tweeted. “Miami gets 10.”

Mitchell, who visited the White House in July as one of the right-wing personalities invited to Trump’s “Social Media Summit,” also claimed that Miami, rather than the capital of the United States, will be a much better place for him to cover the 2020 presidential race.

And it will remain so until he decides he wants to move to Key West. Or Oahu. But of course he’ll do it again, and of course it will work. He’ll have QAgnomes insisting that The Orangery is going to make Miami the new nation’s capital because it starts with M like Mar-a-lago and Melania. He’ll come up with a sob story about his hair plugs. He’ll mention that he’s been to the White House and spoke to His Adderallness himself. And it will work. It will always work. Just like all the other scams aimed at the right wing will work. And if we survive it will be fun to watch them compete with one another.

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