Conservatives’ Dumbest Beardo
By 
Matt Walsh is back on his bullcrap again and once again I’m struck by how weird and sad it must be to live inside the heads of modern conservatives. I’m struck by how exhausting it must be to worry about things like girls joining Boy Scouts. To be honest, I was unaware that anyone paid any attention to the organization at all, it being something of an anachronism. And I’m honestly flummoxed by the idea that man caves are anything other than proof of men taking up more space, not less. Yet, here is Matt, acting like these things portend the fall of Western civilization.
It’s fitting that the Girl Scouts are still the Girl Scouts while the Boy Scouts have changed their identity and now even their name to include girls. Girls can still have their own spaces and their own organizations in our culture. They are forced to allow boys into their locker rooms and bathrooms, which is insane and dangerous, but even in that case the boy has to pretend to be a girl in order to gain admittance.
Boys, on the other hand, are expected to include girls in everything. They are provided no area and no time to be boys, and do boy things, and be around other boys. We used to understand that boys need space apart from girls. Not anymore.
Look, I don’t like this article, but Matt may have a point here. I think that raising boys in enormous, plastic boy-bubbles where they must–alongside their surgically-attached government-sponsored girlfriend–roll around like a hamsters on the playground so as not to come into contact with other boys is terrible. Clearly the pendulum has swung too far. Let boys out of their bubbles–let them play with other boys!
It’s been trending this way for a while now. I remember when I played baseball as a kid and every team had a token girl or two. There was a perfectly fine girl’s softball league available, but some girls wanted to play with the boys. Nobody ever asked whether the boys wanted to play with the girls. Had they asked, and had we felt free to be honest about it, we would have all said no.
“We all would have said no.” claims Matt, the misogynist mind-reader.
There are times when my son is playing with his buddies and they clearly don’t want to involve any girls. I have no problem telling my daughter to give the boys space and let them do boy things. And there are times when my daughter is playing with her friends and they don’t want some smelly boy coming in and mucking things up.
Hey, uh, Matt…if your boy is smelly, why don’t you give him a bath?
Or maybe I’m simply acknowledging the fact that girls need time for female bonding and boys need time for male bonding. There’s a reason why boys don’t want to include girls in everything. Adding a girl into the picture changes the dynamic. They feel like they have to tone things down and feminize things for her sake. They will not be able to relax and enjoy themselves in the same kind of free and open environment that exists between boys. Worse, when you inject a girl into a whole group of boys, they feel pressured to impress her. Rather than bonding, they compete with each other for the girl’s attention and affection.
Look, everyone knows that boys and girls can’t and, indeed, shouldn’t be friends. It’s just simple science logic, which means that all the times I’ve watched my son play with two of his best (girl) friends were just hallucinations.
Often you’ll hear a girl say that she gets together with her guy friends and becomes “just one of the guys.” But she’s not. They don’t see her that way. They see her as a girl, because she is a girl. She will not have the same type of comradery with “the guys” that the guys have with each other. She will not understand them the way they understand each other. She is not one of them and never will be, just as a guy will never be one of the girls. Both groups need time apart to be their unguarded selves. For a boy, that is going to involve spitting and burping and wrestling around in the dirt. That’s a boy thing. It’s how boys act. They just need some space for it. Wow, I get it now. Boys need space for things like burping, something that girls have literally never done, which is why they’re frequently seen floating–aloft from all their built-up gas– above the spitting, wrestling boys.
Anyway, I think Matt expends too much effort and wastes too many words to write what he really wanted to write. So I will write it for him. I’m Matt now:
“Girls don’t fart.
Love,
Matt Walsh”