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What’s on Your Vagenda Today?

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A little levity for your Saturday

Also put this wonderful Sara Benincasa answer to “Why Am I So Fat?” on your vagenda.

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  • daves09

    We’re all going down.The country’s committing VAGINACIDE.

    • Origami Isopod

      We’re all going down.

      What you did there, I see it.

  • N__B

    This is probably the place to dump the following memory. I went on a 800-mile our so road trip while I was in college, in 1984. Since I don’t drive, I volunteered to (a) do all the navigating and (b) pay for the gas. (My friend was using her car, which was registered in Virginia)

    At one point, I paid for gas on some godforsaken road in the southern tier of NY using AMEX. The gas station apparently had a policy of writing down license plate numbers on the credit card receipts, and I got handed a slip of paper with the total charge and the license plate number with (VAG) written next to it. For one moment I was incensed that the gas jockey would do that just because a woman was driving, and then I realized he was abbreviating “Virginia.”

    • tsam

      That’s pretty much how I abbreviate everything. Also 80085

      • N__B

        If you abbreviate everything VAG how do you know what you meant?

        • tsam

          I only mean one thing, k?

          • N__B

            I dunno. We’re having steak tonight with VAG on the side, probably some combination of onions, carrots, peppers.

            • tsam

              Virginia isn’t a good steak pairing. Maybe try Baked Alaska?

    • keta

      Bumper sticker seen in Vancouver:

      “Vaginas are way cool.”

      “Yes,” I remember reflecting, “yes they are.”

      • efgoldman

        “Vaginas are way cool.”

        Especially in Canadiana.

    • Origami Isopod

      Huh. I wasn’t aware that “vag” was a slang term (Stateside, anyway) until, at the earliest, the 1990s. I recall seeing someone with that element in their license plate in the late ’80s and cringing, but nobody else seemed to find it funny, odd, or insulting.

  • georgekaplan

    “Vagenda of Manocide” sounds like the stage name for the lead singer of a really cool symphonic metal band. “Hildabeast Clinton” is the drummer.

  • Dilan Esper

    Somehow, HRC is going to carry Maine despite these folks.

    • Manju

      That’s because D-Money, Smoothie and Shifty are coming up from New York to rig the election.

      Then they’ll leave…but not before impregnating young white girls.

      • No, no, it’s the “socialist cocksuckers” who’ll rig the Maine results.

        • PhoenixRising

          Pretty sure the socialist cocksuckers are going to be D-Money, Smoothie and Shifty’s primary market for the drugs they’re running to contaminate the minds of the young white girls they plan to impregnate. Gas costs money, yo.

        • XTPD

          I’m a 20-something who’s rarely heard the term “cocksucker,” and I read a Vox article that termed LePage’s use homophobic. I’m well aware that said implication is present, but what I want to know is if:

          a) it’s an equivalent of “the other f-word” in being invariably and virulently anti-LGBTQ, unless it’s being used by someone who’s LGBTQ;

          b) the term wasn’t originally homophobic (I’ve heard it was really popular in the ’70s), but for whatever reasons usage has been restricted so that now virulent homophobes are the only ones who actually use it; or

          c) it’s like “butthurt:” The term always carries that implication, but the strength of the implication is variable and only clearly anti-LGBTQ if used with that intent (cf. Alec Baldwin and Anderson Cooper).

          • PhoenixRising

            I’m 20 years older than you, I suspect, and have also rarely heard this term. It was definitely being used by Page to insult the lawmaker in a way that feminized him, I would guess as a sub for ‘faggot’ that Page believes is a more acceptable way to deride a man as effeminate.

            Why a presumably straight man, or indeed anyone who owns and operates such an organ, would attempt to confer scorn and disrepute on anyone of any gender who was willing to perform the act in question is a deeper mystery. To me.

            • efgoldman

              I’m 20 years older than you, I suspect, and have also rarely heard this term.

              And I’m 30+ years older than you, went to college, summer camp, worked in the trucking business and both grew up and served in the Army, and am quite familiar with it as generic swear, like motherfucker, that didn’t mean shit to anyone.

              • PhoenixRising

                So you’re saying it’s Paul Page being polite* for ‘motherfucker’, not ‘faggot’.

                That would make a certain kind of sense.

                *where ‘polite’ means ‘these whiny ass sissies complain about how everything I say isn’t “politically correct” so I have to placate them with euphemism’. Really the more you think about the whole ‘cocksucker’ scandal the weirder it gets.

                • efgoldman

                  So you’re saying it’s Paul Page being polite

                  I might say, if I were so inclined, that Governor Mucilage is a motherfucking cocksucker, but it’s nothing personal, I just get tired of saying “evil and stupid.” It seems so ineffectual.

                  ETA: And no, I don’t think he can spell “polite.” He’s so deranged he makes Combover Caligula look almost reasonable. In fact, I’m still surprised that Orange Crushed didn’t pick Mucilage for his running mate.

            • daves09

              The correct reply is * but that’s not a bad thing.*

          • Hypothesis (b) is certainly wrong, unless indeed it was originally merely misogynistic (the first print citation of the word in the OED is to an 1890s slang dictionary that glosses it as “fellatrix”), but I greatly doubt that.

          • DrDick

            I am a 60-something and it has always been explicitly homophobic.

            • Its always been explicitly homophobic–even for the Romans. Irrumator has always been an insult. For some cultures the insult isn’t so much the act of sex between two men but that one is perceived to be the “receiver” or passive partner and the other is dominant. The dominant one is not tarred, as it were, with the insult. So not only can you call a man cocksucker, but you can engage in the at with him while insulting him for doing it with you, which seems just so cromulent.

            • cpinva

              me too, and this.

            • Hells Littlest Angel

              Hasn’t anyone here heard of Lenny Bruce?

              • John Revolta

                Yeah, I was thinking about this. Lenny basically said he never understood the use of cocksucker in a pejorative sense, since it described “any woman I would love or want to marry”.

                When I was growing up in Chicago in the 60s-70s it just meant “someone or something I don’t like”, same as motherfucker. If somebody you didn’t know called you either one (esp. motherfucker) it didn’t imply anyone actually had sex w/their mother or sucked a cock. It meant there was about a 90% chance that there was gonna be a fight though.

          • Gregor Sansa

            I think “butthurt” is about having been spanked. Which is not a thing you should be making metaphors about doing unconsensually, but it’s not as bad as anal rape.

            • XTPD

              Knowyourmeme has your back on this, and most of the usage I’ve seen is in that spirit.

              I’d add that – at least in my experience – calling someone “butthurt” co-dominantly conveys the idea that they’ve gotten their ass kicked: That is, not just that they’re thin-skinned, but that they’re so thin-skinned and petty that their reaction to a conclusive, predominantly justified throttling is to call the other side History’s Greatest Monsters (or, conversely, their reaction to something they dislike is so thoroughly unhinged that it’s completely self-discrediting ; think Jon Chait on political correctness).

            • Yeah, that is my impression too. But there is definitely some debate about it online. I think its also a regional dialect thing–I learned it from southerners, online, I’ve never, ever, heard anyone say it.

              • XTPD

                Just realized that the connotation I supplied is closer to “buttmad,” but that it’s now called butthurt because “butthurt” is funnier, presumably

                • Pat

                  Also confers the element of the person being called “butthurt” as a victim.

                • XTPD

                  @Pat: The anal rape connotation is much stronger in “buttdevastated”. For “butthurt,” my impression is that the claims to victimhood are much closer to a persecution complex than legitimate grievances.

            • Yeah, I like Jeb Lund but his argument is untenable without addressing the possibility of a “spanked child” origin, which is how I’ve always interpreted it.

          • Colin Day

            The origin of the other f word

            British school use

          • heckblazer

            My own reaction to hearing “cocksucker” is to think someone just finished binge-watching Deadwood.

          • los

            I thought of “cocksucker” as a slur applicable to somebody enthusiastically servile to an abhorrent master. Extreme sucking up.
            That’s why “KochSucker” (or “KochSucher”) instantly fit as a name for Scott Walker. Apparently, Kochsucking is Walker’s birthright.

            butthurt does sound sodominous, yet the way it is often used seems incompatible… So I tend to visualize somebody who has fallen off the back of a gocart or speeding sled: “now that’s gotta hurt.”

          • Pseudonym

            I’ll tell you what: I may have fucked my life up flatter than hammered shit, but I stand here before you today beholden to no human cocksucker.

          • Origami Isopod

            Speaking of butthurt, that Medium piece has no shortage of it in comments. This one got approved. I drink his delicious tears.

  • Manju

    HildaBeast is softening on Manocide. She’s gonna let the CunningLinguists live.

    • tsam

      Your reference game is strong.

    • Derelict

      Are you sure this isn’t just lip service?

      • Karen24

        Tongue in cheek.

        • N__B

          Something is going on right under our noses.

          • Gregor Sansa

            You mean, “going down”. But chin up, it’s OK to think inside the box sometimes.

            • Derelict

              I punish my cat for thinking outside the box.

              • I’ve missed you all, so, so, much.

                • efgoldman

                  I’ve missed you all, so, so, much.

                  We’ve been here. Where were you?

                • N__B

                  Since I didn’t get my pony, I’ll try wishing again: when the election’s over, will you come back?

                • I’m getting ready to run a huge 84th birthday party for my mother and then I start my MSW at a local University so I’m back to school full time plus working in my internship half time. I’m just run ragged.

              • Gregor Sansa

                There’s an obvious joke here using a word for felines, but … gross. I’m going to button my lips. Or vice versa.

                • PhoenixRising

                  Til the Latin interjection I thought you were sophisticated. Now I just think you’re the most mature 13 year old on this board. But in a good way. Literally LOLed.

                • los

                  lipped buttons are blissed buttons

              • cleek

                sometimes, our cats punish us by thinking outside the box.

                • (((Hogan)))

                  I don’t think that’s punishment so much as “you’re not the boss of me.”

                • Pat

                  And then yell at us until we clean it up.

    • Ask Me Gently

      Enrolling in the Tongue Exercise classes is a good way to get an early release from FEMA camp.

  • brad

    This is truly a thing of beauty.

    • Ahenobarbus

      That’s a pretty good “We can’t find the page” graphic, but I’ve seen better.

      • brad

        Fixored.

    • Tim Heidecker is a genius.

      • Do you watch the Decker Unclassified?

        • I haven’t had the chance yet but I must rectify that soon. I loved the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! And the Bedtime Stories, and basically everything they do.

    • I already liked him but now I like him more.

  • weirdnoise

    So if manocide is on ones vagenda, I’d think it would be a business opportunity for Gulf of Maine Gunsmithing.

    • PhoenixRising

      Oddly, my sister the midwife & I had a hilarious exchange on that very topic yesterday.

      -Hey, can we take a road trip? To Maine?
      -YES. Need rounds to fire out of my vagenda of manocide. Apparently they have a shop…
      -You can make them at home. Tampons left in past the manufacturer’s recommended timeline become toxic. So all you need to add…
      -Right. Denise’s Pilates class. And I’ll be firing my vangenda of manocide in controlled directions in only 1200 sit-ups.
      -She’s the sergeant in charge of maintenance of your weapon. Also, all our tests are positive, so…
      -I see. Only the beginning.

      We’re doing a visit to Gulf of Maine as soon as Gov. Page calls an end to hunting season on people of color. Wouldn’t want to cause confusion.

      • I would so very much like to meet you both.

        • PhoenixRising

          We’ll pick you up on the way to Maine. I didn’t know it had a gulf until yesterday!

          The ‘all our tests are positive’ cleaned up a bit for a non-medical audience. ‘Have you reported to the county health dept?’ is the more accessible version of what came after that.

          My sister is the junk doctor who responded to the Cavs naming their downtown (Cleveland) arena after the owners with ‘If you’ve got Gund Arena, we have a shot and 14 easy to swallow pills for you, but come back for a checkup in 3 weeks.’ It’s now Quicken Arena, and some fun has been had with that as well…

          • Obviously Maine doesn’t have a gulf. That was another vagina metaphor.

            • (((Hogan)))
              • PhoenixRising

                No, that was my ‘ignorant of Down East geography’ voice. While I had a babysitter from Maine when I was growing up, and had a girlfriend whose mom was from Maine it’s one of 2 US states I have never visited and know nothing about. As shown.

                Though now that we have another yuuuge national monument there, I was thinking of making it a destination even before this gunsmithing thing came up.

                • (((Hogan)))

                  I meant Aimai, who lives closer to the area than you do.

            • It was a joke.

              • (((Hogan)))

                Oh thank Legba. I thought you were losing your grip.

                • N__B

                  How can the IMDB quotes page not have a single line from the Ale and Quail Club? Bang bang.

            • Origami Isopod

              Fun fact: The Greek word element colpo-, which in medical terminology refers to the vulva, literally means “gulf.”

          • Davis X. Machina

            The Gulf of Maine Gunsmithing shop is in Raymond, ca. 20 miles from the nearest salt water. Just down the road, in North Windham, there’s a mini-strip mall with a gunsmith and a Montessori school.

            LePage voters and Elliot Cutler voters, side by side like the lion and the lamb.

  • (((Hogan)))

    Just don’t think about how much I still weigh, or your boner will invert itself and go into your pelvis, meaning you will have gone and fucked yourself. I would hate for you to go fuck yourself, sir.

    Oh dear. I may not live out the day.

  • tsam

    I know what’s on my vagenda lol know WUT I MEAN

  • Hallen

    The Benincasa piece was neat, but I have got to call bullshit on the “it took me only ten minutes to write this 3740 word essay” part, although if it ‘s true, that’s way more worth bragging about than her handsome housekeeper (which, frankly, is kind of weird thing to brag about).

    I mean, her typing speed alone would be something to be pretty proud of. You know, in the sense that it would be a world record and may prove the real-life existence of the Speed Force, which to date has only been posited as an abstract concept in The freaking Flash.

    (I only nitpick because it’s a little disingenuous to assert that this is an effortless call-out, that it doesn’t come from pretty serious emotional reaction, and it undermines the piece a lot more than I think she thinks it does, unless it was supposed to be naked hyperbole. Well, anyway, she’s still presumptively cool, and the guy is one more dick amongst many.)

    • (((Hogan)))

      I took the 10 minutes bit as intentionally false bravado.

      • weirdnoise

        Given that she promoted several of her works along with her wit (and I’m absolutely cool with that), it was worth a lot more than ten minutes of her time. But as for the jerk she cited as motivating the piece? Ten seconds would have been generous.

    • William Berry

      You might be having a little trouble with the concept of exaggeration for humorous effect.

      I mean, it is a sarcastic humor piece, with sarcasm, and humor, and stuff.

      • Hallen

        Didn’t think it (by which I mean that part) was funny; seemed like it was turning toward an unmistakable “I mean this now, and I think you suck” tone toward the end.

        Hey, I said she didn’t spend 10 minutes on it, not 10 hours, with workshopping.

        I’m not an idiot. It’s either a joke or meaningless, but in that section, trying to actively deny that the comment motivated a lot of effort is strange. And it’s the smallest thing, and maybe I oughtn’t have even mentioned it. Partly, I took it at something close to face value for a moment, and I said to myself, “If you can write something this long and coherent in 10 + X minutes, I hate you!”

    • Downpuppy

      SB is one of 2 people who I know blocked me on Twitter. Nice thing about Twitter blocks is that you don’t even realize it until you happen to look for something much later. She said something about JC, Superstar, & I quoted Herod’s Song. Makes sense – a woman with a lot of followers can’t be worrying about every asshole that asks her to walk across a swimming pool.

      The other was Billmon. He was limbering up a storm about how the NYT was in the tank for Clinton, and I mocked him with the actual Clinton Rules history.

      Probably been more, but you never know until you look.

    • BobBobNewhartNewhartSpecial

      I have got to call bullshit on the “it took me only ten minutes to write this 3740 word essay” part

      Much like the person who brought her to our attention, she tries a little too hard at seeming “empowered” for it to actually be believable.

  • TexRipples

    I’m sure this is old news to you hip folks, but someone bought vagendaofmanocide.com and it redirects to Hillary’s donation page.

    • tsam

      ,NO FUCKING WAY. YES!!!

      • PhoenixRising

        If you haven’t put a tip in the till…donation made at vagendaofmanocide.com is what I hope to see on my credit card statement.

    • I really hope the guy at Gulf of Maine Gunsmithing knows about this.

      Have there been any interviews with the guy since this went viral? I bet he’s amusingly furious about the whole thing…

      • PhoenixRising

        I would chip in gas money for whoever has it in them to interview him.

        I think it’s great that he has (probably unintentionally) made so many people laugh so hard. I admit that part of my joy came from the fact that he will no doubt be furious because we’re laughing at him.

        But a mindset that would cause one to believe ‘this message is needed by the community and welcomed by my customers’ is one that doesn’t tend to react well to being ridiculed, so I’m not offering to go myself. I don’t own a Kevlar vest.

  • I can’t wait for the Vagenda of Manocide / Burkini Kill double bill world tour.

    • tsam

      Also strong reference game. You guys are on fire today.

    • Gregor Sansa

      Don’t you mean, “double Hill”?

      • Double High, Double Dominance/Hitlery Clntoon Double Bill.

  • keta

    Vaggravated, vagitated vagitprop from vagonizing vagnostics.

    It must be awful to be so terribly afraid of at least half the human race.

    • weirdnoise

      Although some may be Vagnostic, I’m a believer. I’m even a communicant.

    • efgoldman

      It must be awful to be so terribly afraid of at least half the human race.

      After reading Sara Schaefer’s piece, I”m, almost afraid to go out of the house. I’ll have to stay home and secretly watch football for the next six months. Oh, wait…..

  • cpinva

    I’m afraid ms. benincasa needs a good editor. I’d have cut that down to “fuck off”. quick, pithy, gets right to the heart of the matter in words he can probably read.

    aside from that, pretty funny.

  • Julia Grey

    Vagenda Dentata?

    • LosGatosCA

      Vagenda delenda est

  • Matt

    There’s a shirt complete with metal logo available until September 15:

    https://teespring.com/shop/vagenda-of-manocide

    I’ve also seen a remarkable Magic-style card, but the link is currently eluding me…

  • ixnay

    We live about 20 miles up the road from the “Sociopathic Gunsmith”, as he’s been known amongst our friends for years now. He’s been kicking that sign for at least 20. It’s now commonplace to plan on opening the window on the way by in order to flip off the sign, and then call home, “you won’t believe…” He is of course a LePage fan. Funny as hell to see it go viral.

    • efgoldman

      He’s been kicking that sign for at least 20.

      Same sign, or just same kind of ignorant bullshit?

      • ixnay

        Yes

    • Davis X. Machina

      The signs change regularly.

      I’ve got hunter friends who refuse to bring their work to him, not because of politics, but because he’s expensive for what he does, and isn’t very good — I wouldn’t know– and there’s another gunsmith in No. Windham on Tandberg Train (the one with the Montessori school next door), and in Gray, and damned near everywhere else. (I wouldn’t know.)

  • Ken

    On my agenda today, I’m reading Burroughs’ Mars books. I’d like to nominate this sentence from Thuvia, Maid of Mars as the exemplar of great writing, Sad Puppies style:

    Thewed like some giant god was Cathoris of Helium, yet in the clutches of these unseen creatures of the pit’s Stygian night he was helpless as a frail woman.

    • Downpuppy

      Thuvia was working as a waitress in Beaumont
      Said I’m moving away, Cathoris ain’t what I want

      • Origami Isopod

        +1 for the Lucinda Williams ref.

    • Oh my god, I read all those books as a young person. All of ERB, basically. How I loved them. The awful writing just seemed kind of noble–he wrote the same tripe in his venusian series, and in a couple of medieval/knight errant books.

    • My seven year old recently asked me the difference between Tarzan and Mowgli, and I thought of bspencer’s post not long ago, but I did not tell her that.

    • Vance Maverick

      Stoppard’s Invention of Love starts with AE Housman in the underworld, about to cross the river with Charon. Looking about him, he says, “And this is the Stygian gloom one has heard so much about.”

      • Julia Grey

        Stoppard’s Invention of Love starts with AE Housman in the underworld, about to cross the river with Charon. Looking about him, he says, “And this is the Stygian gloom one has heard so much about.”

        Ha!

        • Julia Grey

          I had to look up the Stoppard play. They had to create a 30-page booklet for the audience to help them deal with all the literary and historical allusions in the text. That’s deep, man.

          Let’s go get a drink…

          ...Oh I have been to Ludlow fair
          And left my necktie God knows where,
          And carried half way home, or near,
          Pints and quarts of Ludlow beer:
          Then the world seemed none so bad,
          And I myself a sterling lad;
          And down in lovely muck I've lain,
          Happy till I woke again.
          Then I saw the morning sky:
          Heigho, the tale was all a lie;
          The world, it was the old world yet,
          I was I, my things were wet,
          And nothing now remained to do
          But begin the game anew.

          • My new band will definitely be named Sarcastic A. E. Housman.

  • libarbarian

    Getting a Man Bun is on my Man Vagenda

  • Alexander OConnor

    Neither the lead poisoned nor the stupid should portmanteau.

    • Ask Me Gently

      Better they should duffel bag?

  • Origami Isopod

    I have a feeling the gunsmith himself doesn’t run this Facebook page.

    People have been having fun with his business on Yelp, too.

    BTW:

    1:30 pm. Doctor’s appointment — ask about ‘pleasure abortions.’ Do they do group packages? Alison’s birthday is coming up.

    I’m sure John Fleming will be condemning pleasure abortions toot sweet.

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