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Divine wrath for thee, nearer my God for me

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Tony Perkins, last seen making the RNC’s dog whistle orchestra work hard for the money, has taken a hit from that eternally angry, perfect (except for the poor aim and eternal anger), sky daddy he worships.

In 2015 he caused controversy when he agreed with a statement that natural disasters are sent by God as punishment for abortion and gay marriage.

Mr Perkins has revealed that he was forced to escape his property in a canoe with his family.

He shared photos on Facebook and discussed his experience in a podcast.

“This is a flood of near-biblical proportions,” he said in an interview with the Family Research Council.

Was it more evidence that God goes all Hulk Smash when people do things that Perkins doesn’t like? Has he finally been the Real Victim of the homoabortionist agenda? Of course not. When God tries to flush Perkins like an oily turd, it is a sign that it’s time to fleece the following some more Jesus loves him.

The man who has linked these kinds of catastrophies to an almighty being is himself at a loss for answers, he said.

“We’re gonna look for what God’s gonna do in this,” Perkins told FRC‘s Washington Watch radio show. “I’m asking those questions and I’m going to see.”

[…]

But all was not doom and gloom. The far-right Christian told listeners of the program about the silver lining of the flood, calling it an opportunity for Christians to celebrate the fact God considers them “worthy of suffering for His sake.” Louisiana should, in his words, “use this as an incredible, encouraging spiritual exercise to take you to the next level in your walk with an almighty and gracious God who does all things well.”

Offer not valid if you are queer, have had or otherwise support abortion rights, or fail to donate money to the Tony Perkins Disaster Relief Fund, one assumes.

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  • BobOso

    Tony Perkins in a canoe

    yuck. Sounds like a NSFW Urban Dictionary entry.

    • wjts

      Or a scene from the Psycho/Friday the 13th crossover movie.

      • so-in-so

        Add in Deliverance and some banjoes and it’s a sale!

    • Shantanu Saha

      Gives new meaning to the term “douchecanoe.”

  • Origami Isopod

    Shit, I can’t embed? Okay.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LM0CZZ9Uw8

  • Warren Terra

    I’m pretty sure that if you actually read the Bible, God decides once was enough with the whole Flood thing. I mean, technically, God only promises not to destroy the whole world with floods again, so God has the wiggle room to get peeved and submerge Louisiana, but if Perkins is looking for signs of divine wrath Floods are specifically contraindicated.

    • (((Hogan)))

      God gave Noah the rainbow sign
      No more water, the fire next time

      • Lurker

        While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease

        The apocalypse of fire is not biblical. None of the apocalyptic passages in the Bible has anything about it, though it seems to have been a popular belief in ancient Judaism. If you read the John’s Revelation, it just says

        And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.

        The new earth, the perfection of creation, just comes to being. The old earth and heaven just vanish away. At least in Biblical timescale. If you believe like me, that the universe was created 13 billion and Earth 5 billion years ago in a process described by science, and this is what the Bible means when stating simply: “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.”, you understand that the passage about new earth and heaven coming to being may mean whatsoever. We’ll see.

  • leftwingfox

    Can I donate to the flood instead? I’ve got a full bladder and a plane ticket to Louisiana.

    • los

      full bladder and a plane ticket to Louisiana.
      you free spending dirty hippie wimpy liberal.
      Kurt Schlictler says that The Wildman just goes intercontinental with divine incontinence.
      /s

  • Cheap Wino

    Hypocrisy from a prosperity gospel adherent respected religious leader? Say it ain’t so!

    • NonyNony

      Any religious leader so idiotic as to use natural weather events as signs of a god’s displeasure deserves all of the ridicule he receives. In centuries past he would have been torn to shreds as a sacrifice by his own followers hoping that they could forestall their deity’s wrath. Most religions that have survived until today have adopted a stance of “Bad stuff happens – nobody knows why. The Divine manifests itself in mysterious ways” and there are good reasons why they’ve evolved exactly that way.

      • efgoldman

        In centuries past he would have been torn to shreds as a sacrifice by his own followers

        Works for me

      • Lurker

        I think that Sweden got over the idea that catastrophes were God’s punishment for the sins of the nation in early 18th century.

        First, in 1695-98, there were three successive catastrophically bad crop failures. After that, the Great Northern War caused the loss of about half of the Swedish land area and a loss of maybe third of population in the remaining area. Enemy armies rampaged through land and male population was decimated by conscripted armies being destroyed one after another. For example, Pori Regiment was destroyed utterly and re-raised eight times.

        At some point, even the state church got tired of preaching that all this was a divine retribution, because it was such a hopeless message.

      • Lurker

        The destroyed Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church in Berlin has a memorial plate that is a pretty clear in its message: “In memory of the time when the punishing hand of God laid heavy on our people.” (If I remember correctly. It is over a decade since I saw that plague.)

        Considering what the Germans were doing at the time, the idea that the bombardments of Berlin were a just retribution is not really too far-fetched.

  • Peterr

    I think Tony Perkins never got the memo from Ezekiel 16 . . .

    From: The Almighty
    To: The Prophet Ezekiel
    Re: The powerful religious leaders in Jerusalem
    Date: long time ago

    Make known to Jerusalem her abominations, and say . . .

    Your elder sister is Samaria, who lived with her daughters to the north of you; and your younger sister, who lived to the south of you, is Sodom with her daughters. You not only followed their ways, and acted according to their abominations; within a very little time you were more corrupt than they in all your ways. As I live, says the Lord GOD, your sister Sodom and her daughters have not done as you and your daughters have done. This was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy.

    Hmmmm . . .

    Pride? Check.
    Excess of material needs? Check.
    Prosperous ease? Check.

    Failed to care for the poor and needy? Check, check, and a million times check.

    By my tally and that definition from Ezekiel, it would appear that Tony Perkins is a sodomite.

    • DrDick

      LOL! I love it!

    • Brad Nailer

      I’d bet money on it.

  • c u n d gulag

    I guess maybe God hates people who hate fags.
    And women.
    And Muslims.
    And other non-Christians.
    And Agnostics.
    And Atheists.

    And especially those who take His/Her/Its name in vain to fleece the rubes in the flock for money.

    • Warren Terra

      Really, what God hates is people who don’t have a second home somewhere else, a big SUV to take themselves and their stuff there, and plenty in the bank to tide them over until their normal pre-disaster life can resume/be reconstructed.

      • los

        a big SUV to take themselves and their stuff there
        despite the fleecing income, Tony Perkins’ ark[1] remain humble.

        tide them over

        _________
        1. Quoted BBC. “Mr Perkins has revealed that he was forced to escape his property in a canoe with his family.”

    • so-in-so

      Plenty of all those people are suffering too, so maybe it’s all good (in Perkins’s view). As long as his martyrdom is covered by insurance or a GoFundMe.

      • postmodulator

        I can’t donate unless I know whether or not his charcoal grill is tipped over.

  • Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

    • postmodulator

      If beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, then Tony Perkins is proof that God wants us to sometimes chuckle mordantly.

  • daves09

    Nice variation on classic abuser situation; *I’m only doing this because I love you, if you come back I promise I’ll keep doing it.*
    *Say, thank, say thank you.*
    I think God must have been my mother’s second husband.

  • c u n d gulag

    Why couldn’t God send a “Sharknado” to Perkins’ house?

  • dn

    I was sleepin’ like a rat
    When I heard something jerkin’
    There stood Rita
    Lookin’ just like Tony Perkins
    She said, “Would you like to take a shower?
    I’ll show you up to the door”
    I said, “Oh, no, no,
    I’ve been through this movie before”
    I knew I had to split
    But I did not know how
    When she said
    “Would you like to take that shower now?”

  • BiloSagdiyev

    Did G-d tell him to build in a flood plain?

    • DrDick

      I believe he did, but then Yahweh has always been a rather vindictive SOB.

  • koolhand21

    Canoe? Doth he not knoweth the length of a cubit? Or how to read a USGS topographic map and a weather forecast?i feel sorry for his neighbors. Because neighbors.

  • efgoldman

    Sometimes I almost wish I weren’t an atheist.

  • Davis

    …an opportunity for Christians to celebrate the fact God considers them “worthy of suffering for His sake.”

    Huh? That’s really fucked up. God the Sociopath.

  • Patick Spens

    It’s well, not surprising that the only reason anyone on LGM cares about thousands of people losing their homes is because they can use the event take potshots at assholes, but it is disappointing.

    • AstroBio

      Disappointing? You must be new here. The musical accompaniment to this post is an anthem to folks like us.

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