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Reductio ad Derpum

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BERNIE DEAD-ENDER #1: “What have you done for the revolution today, comrade?”

BERNIE DEAD-ENDER #2: “I sent 50 BLISTERING tweets each to five women who remain unconvinced that the question of which liberal is the Democratic nominee for president and how far to the left of the median vote of a Republican House the next Democratic president is constitutes a question of apocalyptic significance. Some may even engage in the counterrevolutionary act of voting for Hillary Clinton.”

#1: “Brilliant! The end of capitalism is surely imminent!”

#2: “And, yet, I am tired by such intense intellectual labors. Perhaps we could try something a little more cheeky.”

#1: “I know!”

Philadelphia: Cheri Honkala, the leader of the Poor People’s Economic Human Rights Campaign, announced that her group was organizing the world’s largest “fart-in” to be held on July 28 at the Wells Fargo Center during Hillary Clinton’s anticipated acceptance speech for the Democratic nomination.

“We will be holding a massive bean supper for Bernie Sanders delegates on American Street in my Kensington neighborhood on the afternoon of July 28,” she said. “We are setting up a Clintonville there, modeled on the Hoovervilles of the 1930s where the poor and unemployed built shanty towns. The Sanders delegates, their bellies full of beans, will be able to return to the Wells Fargo Center and greet the rhetorical flatulence of Hillary Clinton with the real thing.”

Honkala said she would issue an invitation to Sanders to join the bean supper, which she is calling Beans for Hillary. She has asked donors to send cans of beans to 1301-W Porter Street, Philadelphia, Pa., 19148.

“Any remaining beans will be served to the homeless, although we will, of course, be urging Sanders delegates to eat as much as possible,” Honkala said.

Chris Hedges, an author and activist who is an ordained Presbyterian minister, will open the Beans for Hillary meal with a nondenominational prayer.

“I am happy to bless a meal that will be put to such effective political use,” Hedges said.

“The Democratic primary process, as Sanders supporters now realize, was rigged from the start,” said Hedges, a Pulitzer-prize winning former New York Times foreign correspondent. “The Democratic National Committee and the Clinton machine used a variety of mechanisms to game the elections including the appointing of superdelgates, the banning of independent voters from numerous primaries, purging voters from voting lists and using millions in dark money and from Super PACs to fund the Clinton campaign. Caucuses, as we saw in Nevada, were shamelessly manipulated on behalf of Clinton. Sanders never had a chance.”

#2: “Brilliant! If Chris Hedges thinks something is politically effective, you know it’s pure genius!”

#1: “And when people hear him explain how the DNC rigged everything by allowing the candidate who had far more votes and pledged delegates to become the nominee, surely they will rise up and depose the neoliberal Jill Stein agrees with 90% of the time for the hardcore socialist she agrees with 95% of the time.”

#2: “Indeed! Make sure people have plenty of practice using their armpits too.”

#1: “Oh, I think everyone’s already in fighting shape there.”

[Exeunt.]

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